SlowTEC Pseudonym

2010

2010-01-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

Hello, it's been a long time since my last post. Too much has changed to fit into a single post so I am not even going to attempt.

Let's talk about the better things, and the more obvious things.

I am married, and although we are definitely going through those "bad times" financially and with the economy and all of that, it has been amazing.

I had a dream that we had a son about 4 months ago, and in the dream he was upset that Ian W. and Samuel T. were already doing science experiments in school and he wanted to be doing them too. Prophetic? Right now why not take it to be, by his age in the dream he was about 6 and Ian and Samuel were in grade school, probably about 10 and 9 respectively. Meaning that we will have our son in 2 or 3 more years. Sounds cool to me.

In the dream we were sitting on the front step of our house too, I am as excited to have a house as I am to have a child. So needless to say, it was a great dream.

I have been missing those friends as well. Maybe it's the Oregon winter weather of no sunshine and constant gray that makes me so depressed, but lately I have been feeling pretty disconnected.

I am out of time to talk for now, I will attempt to update more tonight, perhaps my New Years Resolution for 2010.

A New Hope...

2008-09-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

And yes I realize how cheesy the beginning is.

So my friend Manny at Fry's had a free mainboard. An ECS, but once again, it's free.

So I'm excited to start the research portion of assembling a new computer, something I've been dying to start again for years.

But I have $0.00 to spend on a computer. So I'll either have to save all my pennies and hope to afford one piece every great while, or get more free/discounted stuff. So now I start my search.

I'm leaving on a Jetplane...

2008-04-29T01:09:00.000-07:00

So... in 1:15 in the morning... I leave for the airport at 2:15 to arrive at the pre-determined 3:20 meeting time in front of the US Airways desk in PDX.

I finally got my apartment situation worked out, made the holding deposit today, I go in to work out the lease agreement before or on the 1st of June. So I have to try to cover rent for 3 months without Andy... that's gonna be spendy.

So back to the trip, now that my life when I return is more or less in order, I am leaving in an hour, I am mostly packed, though worried that my bag may way over the 50 lbs. that US Airways allows (and it charges $50 if you are overweight), what an unforgiving airway, or you could pay $25 and have two checked bags... once again... what an unforgiving airline.

But other than that worry I'm okay, I'm taking my laptop, Flip, video Nano (with about 3 hours of Yogi Bear cartoons I just bought off of iTunes for $10USD) [I'm going to start referring to things in USD from this point in the blog until I return from my trip as a way of differentiating between what things costs there. According to Yahoo! Finance, the Euro to Dollar is 1.5554 everything costs 1.5x what it does in the states. Yippee! With rent when I return! Crap...

Back to Europe again! I'm flying to Amsterdam... I'm leaving at 5 a.m. this morning and I get there at 8 a.m. WEDNESDAY MORNING! Just for those of you keeping track... that's 25 Hours of loss (not really because of time zones, but I'm not caring about time zones, this is my rant, I can have it be as miserable sounding as I want)... 25 Hours of sitting in a plane with babies screaming, but I have Yogi bear with me, and about 10 hours of Podcasts about European Travel, specifically Amsterdam and Parisian travel. Am I going to be bored? Doubtful, I like being able to watch old Yogi Bear cartoons and sleep and drink soda all day :)

ALAS! I doubt they'll let me just waltz into Northwestern France and buy an old sword and take it with me home... and that's a sad day. Someday I'll own a house in France and then I'll horde antiquities.... Swords and armor and I'll get into some sticky situations in town where someone got almost run through and I have to ride my horse/mule/pony/donkey back to my chateau/house/hut/shack and quickly tear out of my rusty armor before the police show up to question me...

But I want to rent a car, a Citroen or something that we don't have in the states, just for fun.

I'm also considering going to the Heineken factory in Amsterdam, Sarah thought it might be fun as well.

We'll see, I have my flip so I'll make an attempt to upload movies sometime this week if I get brave enough to take my laptop out into the sea of European pickpockets to find one of 2, YES I SAID 2!, internet cafes in the entirety of Amsterdam. What kind of country has only 2 internet cafes? Honestly... they would have an aneurysm is they saw the media-drowned existence I lead at home in the United States of America. Wi-Fi on every corner, 45 year old men playing World of Warcraft, talk about a culture shock.

But until then, Au Revoir!

I have a French Phrase book that is hilarious, has pickup lines and everything, we'll see how that goes. Haha.

Later Hombres.

Halfway into January 2008

2008-01-14T18:13:00.000-08:00

My researching has slowed to a halt unfortunately, due to a mix of Forza 2, Halo 3, Assassin's Creed, my Business classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and random stuff with Sarah.

I have started looking for a job though, applied at a place earlier today. I just want 20-30 hours a week, enough to make some money for playing when I'm not working.

I have pretty good classes this semester, only 3 of them during the day from 10:35 to 2:35 every Tuesday and Thursday, a 4 hour block! And then every other Wednesday I have a Juniors Abroad class which looks pretty simple.

So that's what I'm doing, I went to Cupcake Jones in Portland with Sarah last Saturday, it was pretty amazing, it's a great place, good date daytime activity, if your date is into good cupcakes.

And then we went to Powell's City of Books, where I bought "Life in a Medieval Castle" and "Life in a Medieval City" both by Joseph and Frances Gies, I'll tell you how they are if I ever get a chance to read them.

You want a rant? I'll give you a rant!

2007-10-29T19:14:00.001-07:00

I hate it when people won't just put their foot down... on either side of the line. You can't straddle the line forever.

You are either with me or against me, it's that easy, you aren't half with me, you are kinda with you, you are all with me or all against me.

Some moron walks up and starts talking to me like we're friends, we aren't friends... we aren't friends at all. I don't want him talking to me, I don't want to acknowledge his existence. He's cretin. And either you agree with me and don't like him too, or you can pick him over me, that's your choice, but you don't get to have both.

You can't be my friend and be the friend of the person I hate.

But it seems like everyone wants to straddle that line. Tell me this... when they all graduate next year and you are looking for someone to live with... where are your friends going to be? Who knows I'm not one of them. You chose them over me, you wanted to belong so you looked past the faults, you didn't want to lose any connections so you make excuses for their wrongdoings, you know them better than me so you are willing to be their friend instead of mine, even though you don't agree with anything they do or say or the way they act.

Explain that to me geniuses? Explain that you freakin private school kids? Where is the logic in that? This isn't a "Jesus ministered to the corrupt" situation, because you aren't trying to show him Christ, you just aren't willing to leave a ghost town. Everyone else already moved on, but you think it matters, you hold to it like it's all you've got, you could move on, belong to something new.

I'm so sick of this, he's a stalker, "yeah but, that's not that bad, lots of guys are like that..." No they aren't you moron, that isn't acceptable... why do you let believe him over me? YOU ARE A MORON

You all seem to believe him over me, what a suicidal idiot claims you believe like there is no other truth...

I'm tired of all of you.

New Goals

2007-08-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

So I usually don't set goals because of a more than likely chance that they will never come to fruition.

But here goes: By the end of the 2007-2008 school year I want to have:

Level 70 Paladin in World of Warcraft
Near straight A's (I'll accept 1 B per semester)
Attainment of a job (This one's a long shot)
I want to have properly budgeted my lifestyle for the entirety of the school year (Even longer shot)
And for good measure let's go ahead and go with: Being a better person in general.

Where I currently stand with those goals:

Level 55 Paladin in World of Warcraft (Only 15 to go!)
Already doing the near straight A's deal, got 1 B last semester (But 1 out of 6 ain't bad at a school like Fox)
No progress on the job front, I'm not in Oregon yet so job hunting is difficult
Never been able to hold to a budget in my life (Hence it been a very long shot)
I'm already pretty awesome, I just have to kick it up a notch!

So yeah... that's it for now.

Harry Potter... for the last time.

2007-07-22T17:31:00.000-07:00

I am sad. I'm not going to lie. I love reading books, stand alone, trilogy, or series. I love getting lost into character, letting my overactive(and hyperactive) imagination get lost and blurring the line of reality to the point where I begin to believe it may be real. I'm good at it, I've been doing it since I was little, it's why I'm so extreme about everything, I make my whole life about a single thing and become a fanatic. Like my secret desires to kidnap George Lucas and have him tell me Star Wars bedtime stories forever... that kind of thing. I just don't want the world that I've immersed myself into, the world that I feel like I've become a part of... to end.

And there begins my sadness. As I was telling Whatafreak over the phone not 2 hours ago, I feel like I have no direction now, for the last decade of my life, half of my life, there has been a new Harry Potter book shelled out every year and a half to two years. No more. Never again. Never again will Harry be a friend to comfort me. I can reread his pages, but his story doesn't go on. I always have a hard time imagining past the last page of a book, I feel it's a crime, it's stealing, to run away with someone else's story. So basically it is as if Harry has died. There were a lot of times growing up when I felt alone like Harry did in the book, like I was just me against everything else, and it gave me something to believe in, it gave me an example of courage and strength and similarity. It let me know that I wasn't alone, there were others like me, geeky, outcast, abnormal, and they too had their own world to belong to, their own adventures.

I really do feel as if I just spent the last 10 years with a person, really knowing a person, fictional or not, and now he's gone, it's like loosing an amazing friend. Whoever reads this can laugh if they want, they can call me a retard, idiot, pansy, what have you. But I'm not joking, I'm not trying to make you smile or chuckle or be a clown. I just have a hard time letting go. And it hurts to let go. And it sucks knowing that every book I read and every movie I watch, will end. And I know that every time I read a book or what a movie, I will get attached to the characters, feel their pains, be frustrated at their struggles, laugh with them, cry with them... it's a difficult thing for a child to endure for his entire life, all of the attachments and the endings and feeling that every time the book closing or the credits roll, he just lost a friend he trusted and believed in. And I must say, it puts in me the thought of never reading another book, never watching another movie, never getting involved with people because even in the real world, the one I seek to avoid by submerging myself in that wonderful world of fantasy and fiction, everyone I know, trust, believe in, and love... they will all go too someday.

Do I dare attach myself and set myself up for the eventual breakdown of my existence? Or do I distance myself from everyone and everything that I love and take pride in? It's a difficult question.

I often feel that I'm missing something, I feel like a hero that lost his villain, I don't understand my purpose but I feel like I'm missing something, some integral clue or plot point that should be pointing me down the correct path... I want power, the power to change people, to help people, to fight for something I believe in. I want to be a hero, but it seems that in this day and age, there's so much gray area that a true black villain no longer exists, there's good and bad. An evil businessman may employ an honest man... shutting down the businessman ends the honest man's ability to support his family... there are no evil men surrounded by other evil men, there is good and bad to everything it seems.

I wish that life were easier, simpler, more black and white. I wish that I was more realistic or cold. I wish that emotions didn't grab a hold of me so easily. I wish that I wasn't so weak willed.

I want badly to be a writer, though writing is my weakest skill, funny how life goes. But I don't want to write for profit or fame, I wish to write to finally complete one of the ideas that is clanking around in my ill-shaped head. My thoughts are so chaotic and in some cases tainted with other ideas I've heard or read, that organizing them and writing them down is the most ridiculously daunting task. I don't have the mental fortitude to complete a task such as that. And I would much prefer a collaboration on a work, create something with a friend, but my friends are never around when the desire strikes, nor would I care to waste the precious time I had with them on a pursuit such as that.

Maybe it's just due to my age. Maybe that's the empty feeling is just that so much of my life has yet to be lived, yet to be completed. Maybe my life is like when I was watching Windows XP install on the computer I built for the first time, it's sitting at 22% and I'm just sitting waiting for the bars to fill up so I can boot it up for the first time, maybe I'll get the same rush of pride I felt then, maybe I'll feel it complete and know that my life is over... that would be an odd sensation.

My life has drastically changed in just a few short years. I went from this pudgy young kid, knowing he was different from other people, that he didn't belong, that he wasn't normal, to a teenager who preferred to spend more time with books and computers than with people, to finding two of the most amazing friends in Whatafreak and Nicklaus, to going to a university on a whim because my brother went there and I didn't feel like filling out other applications, to meeting the most beautiful, dark-haired girl, to falling in love, and slowly start watching my past slowly crumble away, Whatafreak and Nicklaus move away, not feeling at home at home anymore, and uncertainty about my own future, and then this void was created... this huge terrible empty feeling... I once thought of myself as a smart person. My entire life people told me I was gifted, talented, not living up to my potential. And I was afraid to try... I didn't want to try my hardest and then realize that I wasn't as smart as I was made out to be. I am certain that I am glad I got away from here, else I'd end like Koda is now, struggling to make ends without any kind of a future in site...

I just don't know to go frankly. I want to get my next semester's books so I can begin studying, I want to try. I want to figure all of this out. I want to see what that last 4/5 of my life is going to be like...

There's so much that is riding around on my shoulders these days, so many thoughts haven't finished thinking themselves out, so many beginnings without endings... So many endings that I miss dearly. So many things that have come and gone and left me alone. What is left of me?

Block Off Plate

2007-07-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's finally on. I was going to change the oil today but went with my brother to Boise to help his girlfriend with her car (which we weren't able to do anything about after all), so I haven't gotten around to it yet.

So yeah... that's about it for today...

I hope you're feeling better this afternoon, Sarah.

Captain's Log Stardate 070718.539

2007-07-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

So, my brother built my block off plate... out of 1/4 inch steel. It's thicker than my engine block sidewalls. I bought gasket paper and cut out a gasket for it and now I just have to go back to the shop tonight and bolt it into place, drain the oil/gas it has sitting in it right now, and refill with the thicker 20W Pennzoil that's sitting next to it, and then I am going to replace the gaskets that are also sitting on the bench next to it.

Sarah, I hope you feel better honey, I love you so much. I miss you sweetie.

Append to Previous

2007-07-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately do to some unfortunate sizing issues and the unwillingness of companies to produce products for Toyota's read headed stepchild that is the 4A-C engine, my older brother is fabricating me a fuel block of plate.
I'm still waiting for that paycheck and it's grown some.
I got to spend all of 4th of July and even most of the week following with Sarah.

She loved her surprise.

Still deciding on the Electric Fuel Pump and Electric Fan I want to purchase.
Still waiting to get the block off plate on so I can drain the oil and run the heavier weight stuff through.
Haven't called the transportation department. (Want it to be running before I proceed.)
And I still need to check on getting some upholstery work done on it.

I am also working on getting a few of my dad's trucks painted.

And it's been really hot and crappy lately, but anyways, talk to you all later.

Just a few things.

2007-07-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

My fuel pump block off plate is due in at V & M tomorrow.
I have a paycheck coming soon.
I get to spend most of the 4th of July with Sarah.

Been working on a surprise for her, hopefully I get it planned and finished in time

I need to get the electric fuel pump ($42) and the F.A.L. Electric Fan ordered ($75-$100).
After I get the block off plate put on I need to drain the oil, replace the oil filter and give it heavier 20W oil to see if it'll smooth it out at all.
I need to call the Transportation Department about the title.
I need to check with some upholstery guys about getting the seats redone, and then I'm going to start scouring junk yards in Portland for similar cars for some parts.

That's about it. I need to figure out where I'm sleeping in Portland in the next few days as well... dangit...

AE86 Dream Come True...

2007-06-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

Hello the few that view this. My name is SlowTEC and this is my dream:

This is a 1984 Toyota Corolla SR5 Hatchback. In Japan, it's the equivalent to the 85, powered by a carbureted 1.6L SOHC 8-Valve 4A-C engine.

I rescued this car, it was a tragic story of an automobile headed for the crusher on trumped up charges of not being wanted... a lie simple and pure. But I found him. A diamond among dirt clods.

For as long as I've been into cars, and I'm afraid to say, my spurring into post 1970s automobiles was Fast and the Furious, though I have progressed since, so don't be afraid that I'm going to double clutch my Integra or my Corolla.

Now, let's talk about the car. The 4A-C creates over 70 horsepower, however, only 60 horsepower reach the wheels. Compared to the 4A-GE in the GT-S that puts nearly 100 horsepower to the road. But it can be brought to that level, and I don't see a reason why you should throw out a the car's engine, it's heart, it's soul, for the simple fact of wanting to be Mr. Dorifto.

The car's engine can be brought up to the GT-S performance with mild modification. Paradise Racing makes a 4A-C Power Pack that comes with a Weber 32/36 Downdraft carb, specially ground Schneider Camshaft, and double valve springs all for $650. And that should be enough to raise the cars performance considerably. And since I'm in Idaho where emissions laws aren't spoken of, I can issue black smoke out the exhaust in voluminous amounts and no one could care less.

The suspension can be set up on my SR5 the same as it could on the GT-S, so my car has the potential of identical handling and with the addition of a complete GT-S rear end in the car, I could have the rear-wheel disc brakes, LSD, and higher rear end gears.

Headers were made for the engine at one time, however because of lack of demand the company, S&S, stopped production, so headers are non-existent for this engine, unless you want to have your own made or are lucky enough to find some used S&S headers that someone is selling.

In the long run, I'd like to get the head ported and polished, get some upgraded pistons and rods, just beef this thing. It's all about enabling. Why would I want to change the car's engine, it's very personality, when it could run like a scalded cat with a little help?

And as far as aesthetically, I'm going to get the damaged interior panels and tears in the vinyl from sitting in the sun for too long replaced. Get the seats reupholstered, repaint the car in it's original paint scheme, Silver/Black, and just get this car back to it's former glory. It feels so good to set in and in the short times I've driven it, I've been in heaven.

I officially love this car. I can't wait to have kids so they can underestimate it in 16 years, haha.

It's exciting to see the beginning of construction of this car. Money permitting it should all be complete in a year or two.

That's all for now. Thank you.

May, Year 20, Current Status:

2007-05-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

So I got off work early, we didn't drive today, just did some mechanic work... came home, showered, and as I started to get dressed pulled on my headphones and flipped on a song I had but hadn't listened to, called Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top. I tell you what, any guy who has ever dressed up for anything in his entire life, be it any sort of social event, should be listening to that song as he got ready, that'll get you jacked up about whatever it is your about to do.

I have to drive tomorrow again, I want to do something tonight to relax before tomorrow, but there isn't anything, I don't like going to movies or watching TV because your time just disappears into the abyss that is the right side of your brain when you do that. If the only way to slow down time is to stare at the clock so be it, but I want it to slow down.

It's a strange thing waiting on a paycheck, I have MADE a lot of money, I don't have any of it yet, but I guess that helps keep me from spending.

Other than that, I need to go shave and comb my hair a load of other stuff.

Later...

Frustration

2007-05-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

Do you even know the meaning of true frustration? Frustration is knowing that the car you've always wanted is 10 miles away and not being able to do anything about it because you've been an idiot in the past...

Frustration is being 600 miles from the person you love more than anything because you are too much of a pansy to get a job back there...

Frustration is the definition of my life, when you have a comparable situation let me know... (Andy you need not apply, it's like the episode of Seinfeld where the survivor of the Titanic is crying because George told his life life story, that's like your frustrations compared to mine)

Putting the me back in Country...

2007-05-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm 2 decades old. I'm in my 20's now. Is it weird to feel nostalgic for a time period when I wasn't even born? Homesick for a place I've never been? I feel like a farm kid. I've spent days picking rock, I've spent most of my childhood around tractors and farm implements... my mom's family are cowboys, but I'm not them... I'm a Paulin. Paulin's are farmers. We are hardworking and blue-collar... have you ever felt that by getting an education you are betraying your family's history... the way your family is. We are a content people, we belong with other blue-collar people... down-to-Earth working people, not scholars... It's great that my grandparents and my parents want more for me, but that's not where my heart pulls. I dream of fields of hay, corn, grain... fields green as far as the eye can see, so far that the waving ocean of green meets the blue, white clouded sky.

I am a driver. My grandfather was a driver, he drove old Mercury's, he drove milk trucks, he was a tank driver in the Korean War, my father drove muscle-cars, hopped up trucks, silage trucks, and I feel a pull to cars, they speak to me... it's like a religious feeling. The closest I feel to God is driving down a road or being in the country. It's because I know I'm as close to heaven as I'll be on Earth.

The beliefs are stronger here. The people are better. I belong here, I understand this place. Portland, coffee other than black with cream and sugar, even the small import cars I'm fond of, feel totally out of place with me sometimes...

I've been wearing a John Deere hat constantly for the last week... And I find myself singing "Small Town" in my head while I drive...

"Well I was born in a small town
And I live in a small town
Probly die in a small town
Oh, those small communities

All my friends are so small town
My parents live in the same small town
My job is so small town
Provides little opportunity

Educated in a small town
Taught the fear of jesus in a small town
Used to daydream in that small town
Another boring romantic thats me

But Ive seen it all in a small town
Had myself a ball in a small town
Married an LA doll and brought her to this small town
Now shes small town just like me

No I cannot forget where it is that I come from
I cannot forget the people who love me
Yeah, I can be myself here in this small town
And people let me be just what I want to be

Got nothing against a big town
Still hayseed enough to say
Look whos in the big town
But my bed is in a small town
Oh, and thats good enough for me

Well I was born in a small town
And I can breathe in a small town
Gonna die in this small town
And thats probly where theyll bury me"

That's all, Happy Birthday to me...

Back in Idaho Part 2.86

2007-05-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

So I am working again, and it's hot outside and I'm tired.

But I worked all day and I made money and now I'm tired and showered and feeling like relaxing for a few hours, I was thinking about going into town and buying something to make for dinner, but thought better of it, I'm too tired, I'm just going to laze around for a bit and then start getting ready for bed.

And that's the end of Day 1.

I worked, drove home, showered, and now I have 6 hours until I have to sleep again.

Talk to you later, have a good evening.

The End #2

2007-04-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

It's the last week of my second year of college. Think about what I've lived through in the last 2 years. I've met dozens of people, fell in love with friends and THE girl. I've met some amazing people, one I'm sitting next right next to as I type, David Way, a genius, unkempt just like every one before him, with a mind that frankly astounds me, he just... knows everything. David is going to be gone next year, he's done, after 5 years, and I only counting him as a friend for one of them, he's going off to make his mark on the world. Parker is gone, he was only here for a year, probably the best year of my life, and then he was gone. My roommates this year, though at times they have bothered me, I've lived with them, shared 5% of my life with them, 10% if you count last year. Joe is gone now. I have memories of walking into my suite after walking down to her room at night, and even though it was 11, Joe would be there, WoW loaded on his laptop, Fox would be asleep, like always, by this late, but Joe would be there. It was like clockwork. It's like a summer memory, it's a warm memory.

In 3 days, George'll be gone. And that'll be the end of that chapter of my life, the Sutton chapter. Will I see George this much ever again? He was a roommate, quirky, but caring. And the next chapter will start, and to be honest, I'm not sure how it will go. Joe was overly opinionated, George under. It was a weird grouping of people, a thrown together situation because we were the rejects that no one else wanted to live with, so we got together, the way rejects do, and formed something out of nothing.

I've been dating the girl that I'm going to marry for over a year, 15 months now.

Andy and Nick are gone. Back to California, Koda is getting married. Slowly it seems like the fabric of my life is starting to pull apart the seams and separate.

Craig is graduating and going back home, it's like I can start to see the finish line myself and know that I'll have to provide for myself and for her, and there's a lot of growth and understanding that is going to have to happen before then.

Alex was thinking of moving to Arizona, but now he's talking of sticking around and going to PSU. But that was nearly one more relationship gone.

Haskell is living with me next year, Haskell, Chris, and Brian. Three more people I have a chance to know, to get closer to. Life is all about relationships Van Wilder once said, and you know what? That's something worth writing down.

Me and George have been playing WoW, new characters on a new server, but we only play together, we don't play unless we are both on, that way we stick together. And that keeps us accountable, we motivate each, we hang out, we talk. If all relationships in life were as simple and easy as me and George the world would be a happier place.

That's all for now.

Me and George are level 20 Blood Elf Rogues by the way. Very Bad-A.

WoW doesn't wow me, but it's all I got right now...

2007-04-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

So, like the title implies, I'm back in it. And it's boring as crap...

Especially since I'm alone.

I started on the Rivendare server. As a human priest named, you guessed it, Exon. I'm glad to be playing a priest again, I like healing people, being part of a community much more than grinding and playing straight through, and this gives me a chance to be in groups and hang around with people. So I'm going to be playing that for a while, not terribly much, but for a while, so if there's anyone out there wanting to try their hand at being a DPS helper or dedicated tank for me... that'd help a ton when there are no groups to be had...

Well that's all I have for now.

Until later...

From where I'm sittin

2007-04-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

Money bothers me.

It does.

I was sitting at my computer for hours last night looking the country over for my dream car, the 1984-1987 Corolla GT-S Hatchback. And it's agonizing. I found a couple of really clean ones, but by the time I have the money they'll be sold.

And it makes me really... uptight about money when stuff like that happens. I don't like not having enough. I don't like not being able to do what I want because I'm lacking.

I'll definitely have that much by the end of the summer, I've been crunching numbers for months while sitting in my classes about all the ways I can earn a little money. It seems so easy. But it's hardly that.

Money is fluid, it's earned almost as fast as it's lost.

I don't have very many liquid assets and that's a little disheartening. I wish there was more than there is.

But I'll try to be content. Today marks the beginning of my saving. My saving for multiple things. No more spending on frivolous things like fast food or DVDs. Just necessities.

And that is that.

It's all my fault that everyone is poor...

2007-04-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

So in my usual style I left a 7 page research paper until the morning it was due and then began feverishly working on it, even having woken up late too, I meant to start at 4:30 am, but wasn't up until 6 am, so that kind of got me nervous, but then after only a few hours working on it, I'm already completed with 4 out of 7, Intro and Conclusion both already completed, I'm just filling in the middle and have nearly half of that done.

I've been playing Ogame.org, it's a text based space exploring online game. And it's a game you can only play every 2 or 3 ours for 10 minutes because you just have to tell it what to set up and where to send your ships and then you have to wait 2 hours for them to get to where they were supposed to go, and that is a little frustrating. If any of you read this and want to play with me, I play on Universe 29.

But other than that, this is the second to last week of school and I'm just cruising steadily along.

I have 4 more photos to take for photography tomorrow evening and I need to develop 2 rolls of film before then as well. But I'll get it all done, no worries.

Until a little later, have fun.

165th Post!

2007-04-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

So, Spring Break is over. I made good money over break doing a dirty job. But that's all behind me now. I have class in an hour... how horrible that feels. There's no way I'm ready for classes again already. Break felt as short as a weekend.

I took back a box of stuff, so I have less junk laying around to worry about. I'm probably going to go ahead and box up another portion of it so I have less clutter, it'll make it easier to finish the semester that way.

Roommate woes as always...

But other than that, everything is okay. It was sunny this morning, now it's all overcast and pretty dim.

I have a class in 45 minutes. Then I need to run to the bank and read for History of the American West.

Have a good day everyone.

Idaho Again...

2007-03-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

Sarah, I love you. Here's what I did today:

Snake River Canyon (Downriver from Shoshone Falls)

Shoshone Falls, March 2007, low, low water year

Perrine Bridge over the Snake River from a spot down in the canyon next to Centennial Park.

Small waterfall in the Snake River Canyon

Doctrine, Spoil, Degree, and Break

2007-03-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, another day of criticism over my class schedule for next spring, mainly that FCSC class. So what if it's a class dealing with Fashion, it's also dealing with Merchandising. Inventory management, product acquisition, and the kind of information that could be an asset to a person with my major, it's always worth the practice.

I got my grade back on my Global Political Economy exam: 90%

And I am finished with my exam in Managerial Accounting, and I feel good about it. It'll be a high B or an A for certain.

So now the only thing left before I can enjoy spring break are 2 class periods (Christian Foundations and Intermediate Photography) and an 8-page research paper on my Denomination's History/Doctrine/and Personal Reflection.

And I have to pack tonight.

And I have to go to Stevens and fill out a housing contract.

And I need to start that paper.

Okay... bye.

Sloshing through...

2007-03-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

I've been managing to average about 7 1/2 hours of sleep a night for the last few weeks. That's amazing considering last semester and earlier this semester I was getting between 4 and 5 hours on average.

I have a test and term project bonanza this week. I had a News Journal Due on Monday for Global Political Econ, I have a project due in Photography Thursday that I've already managed to spend 2 hours in the process of and am only 1/3 of the way done, I had an exam in History of the American West, which I completed and passed, and another exam in Managerial Accounting tomorrow morning and an 8 page research paper on my Denomination due in Christian Foundations. So tonight:

Take second photo topic. Develop film and print.
Study for Accounting Exam, emphasis on Ch. 7, Budgeting.
Gather research materials for Research Paper
Complete Literature reading and Analysis
Read for C.F.

I'll be leaving for home on Saturday morning, around 8:00 A.M. My brother and sister will be flying back in from Italy on Saturday evening, so I'll meet my parents and siblings in Boise, before we drive home.

I'm super ancy to be getting back home for a little bit, it'll be a nice visit.

On another note, I have registered for my classes next fall. I have a few fluff classes, but for the most part, I'm going to have a leisurely semester. In the Fall I am currently signed up for:

Management (Taught by Greg Allen)
Information Systems (Technology in Business, that'll be a cinch for me)
Understanding Jazz (Fills a GEED requirement, and it's flipping easy)
Backpacking (To fill my last Health and Human Performance Activity credit)
Sociology (To fill my last Social Science requirement)
Life of Christ (Which fills my last BIBL credits)

In the Spring I am all Business though:

Marketing
Financial Management
Ethics in Business
Fashion Merchandising (Don't laugh, it's going to be easy upper division credits)
GEED365 (Juniors Abroad. Either Amsterdam to Paris or Spain to Portugal)

And I'm living in Weesner Village, that's going to be so awesome.

I have Global Political Economy now. I'll talk to you later.

The next step...

2007-03-19T21:29:00.000-07:00

I was walking to my room, bag slung on my shoulder, not so heavy, just it hanging about my waist made it noticeable, the way it would sway from side to side while I strode. tap. I listened to the squeak of my left shoe as my heel pressed to the ground and rolled onto the toe. tap. I wasn't thinking anything, just striding, confident in the previous half of my day. tap... tap... tap. I watched the dark spots form intermittently on the asphalt as I walked, staring down at my shoes. tap, tap, tap. As I watched my shoes, white, clean spots started appearing on their tongues. tap tap tap tap. When my foot left the ground it was firmly planted in the dirty pine smell, the smell of drying mud and asphalt, the smell of clouded humidity, but when it landed I was walking down a dusty, rutted road. Pieces of straw blew about me as I walked towards the old green pick-up parked just off the road. Oh the smell, the luxurious smell- never do you notice the smell of dust until you smell it suddenly mix with moisture- as the drop hits the ground, the crater of silt spews out in all directions and smell of water making everything clean drifts to your noise. You revel in it, you clothes your eyes for a minute and you dream of all the wonderful things on this earth, the good things God made, and you are confident that this smell is one of his greatest triumphs. It moves you to the core. You take your next step, your foot, dirty and hot and uncomfortable stomps the ground, sending more silt shooting off like ash from a volcano. The rain runs down the back of your neck, soothing the itch and grime and sweat left by the hay and the dust and the sun. That is the second you realize yourself a poet, a romantic, not one that is published in books or that is heard by people, but in your heart you know that you were created to create. Your heart beats faster to match the rain spattering the ground and the windshield. You feel alive like the roaring, beating engine. You smile at the earth being made clean, the dust becoming a rich brown, the dusty covering washed away to become the most vibrant beautiful colors, and you focus with all your might to embed it in your mind. And you yearn with a hopeful heart that you will have someone to share it with. Can you ever describe it in a way that does it justice? I think not, it's something that you have to see. It's not exotic or rare, at least to some. It's a gorgeous commonality. A perfectly ordinary but wonderful experience. And a place so close to my heart that no matter how many times I am displaced, I will always know home.

As I drove home, the straight, wide, yet somehow spindly, road tosses me, the whimsical boy, to and fro as I lose myself, dreaming of another. I wished I wasn't alone.

My eyes came back into focus at the clicking of the door as I swiped my card. I remembered her, I remembered that day, the thoughts, the feelings, the loneliness. And my mind finds it hard to wrap itself around the concept that she wasn't with me always. Because it feels like she has woven herself into the very memories of myself, down to the deepest level of what makes me... me. And I know that someday, it won't be mere descriptions, she'll experience it with me. The spring time air, the smell of dew on the tall sagebrush as you drive, slowly, through a dark desert morning.

The rush of cool air on a hot face as you drive through rolling fields of lava rock and high desert. The bite of a cool Sawtooth morning. The wind, forcing the tall, yellowed grasses to worship. And all of it with you.

Stress and Joy in Writing.

2007-03-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

I finished my research paper for American West about an hour before it had to be turned in, then didn't get a break because I had Literature and Accounting homework to do as well. And that was depressing... I just wanted a break.

I started reading good ol' fantasy again. And Andy's current situation with his wanting to finally write his book has me wanting to start mine again... so I say down, opened that dusty old file from the archives of my PC and read through what I had written in the past... not bad... not very good either.

But I think I'm going to try. I spent 20 or 30 minutes adding stuff to what I already had earlier today, and just generally trying to work out in my mind what more was to come.

Who knows, maybe I'll get somewhere, or maybe I'll get nowhere at all, but it's worth a shot. Books are a nice reprieve from daily life, it's like taking a mental vacation, and if I could give that to one person, even myself, it would be worth it to me to write.

And now I have to work on homework... the never ending grind.

Present Moment

2007-02-22T21:02:00.000-08:00

So like Whatafreak I attained a new mouse as well, the new(er) Logitech MX Revolution. The thing rocks. And the software bundled with it wasn't entirely retarded so I was okay.

Moving on...

I'm tired of sitting here... waiting.

I want to do something, I want to start something, I want life to continue even though I'm in college. But it seemingly does not. It halts. And I can't figure out for the life of me how to get it started again. Every idea seems so far fetched but inside me, I know that I can do it.

I want to start now but before I do that I need to have knowledge, which I lack. I need to know what I'm doing and I have no idea how to go about gaining that precise knowledge.

So I sit here, wasting time, wasting life, day dreaming. I have so many thoughts in my head, so many ideas... but they seem like schemes because I haven't thought them all the way out. I know for some reason, it would fail. And I don't want to put myself into financial woes because of a failure.

I can feel is wash over me... like a great Torrent of information!

2007-02-19T00:15:00.000-08:00

My torrents are working again! On Fox's connection! I can't believe it... it's slow and pathetic, a trickly compared to what I'm used to, but it's working, like ebbing life back into me a bit at a time.

I'm actually really excited again. To have that back at least, a tiny part of myself.

This week is looking up! I can't wait to find some new and interesting things to torrent.

But then again... that's kind of one reason I quit torrenting... there's was nothing to download that I was interested in.

Hooray!

Attitude, Mood, Reason, What have you...

2007-02-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

Is this it?

That is my reason for all the irritation all the attitude all the blank stares and daydreams I seem to have lately. Shouldn't there be a goal or something to give drive to attain/achieve? Something to spark or fuel ambition? No, apparently there isn't. And that's why I've been so unhappy lately. Don't get me wrong there's alot in my life that is very, very good. But I hope to attain more this... isn't that why I entered school?

But then why are those outside of school still moving along, attaining the things I want as I wait? I don't feel like I'm going anywhere, like I'm pedaling as hard as I can but the chain came off so I'm not moving anywhere...

I don't know what I need to do to succeed. I'm just... bored, I guess, and tired of waiting. I want to be doing. I want to be doing something. I need to find a hobby or something. Because this waiting is just boring work.

Reminiscing About The Future...

2007-01-14T00:50:00.000-08:00

So with the addition of another blog entry I have to assume that no one reads what I write anyways so anything I say is as good as still in my mind. But it's nice to be able to catalog thoughts so you can go back and remember how you felt.

I'm going to speak on some disappointments that I've felt recently.

Life at Fox makes me sad or depressed for the most part. I sat down in the Bon with David Way the day before yesterday and another girl was telling us how she hated it when people beat around the bush and tried to trick the teacher into saying what they wanted to say so they could agree. And you know what, that may look cowardly, but not when you view the alternative... have you ever said something controversial in a classroom at Fox? You get torn to shreds. And as I pointed this out, you could see from their expressions and nods of agreement that I was right, that is what happens. Commie Kyle, with no offense to Kyle, may generally be the way Kyle is: a badass, but I have never felt judged while in Kyle's presence, I've never felt uncomfortable or that I wasn't good enough, religious enough, smart enough. And that feeling of not being enough is a feeling I get while sitting in a classroom at Fox, listening to my peers answer questions or speak aloud about politically correct "Christian issues." I wonder how many care and how many are acting...

I may not be the strongest Christian, I may be mean sometimes, not love my neighbor as much as I should, but I realize that weakness, I don't try to convince people of my piousness, that is between me and the big man.

Fox is a Christian school, and it shouldn't be that I feel that my faith's less than it was before I came. I had hoped for a strengthening experience, and while there have been(a good deal thanks to Penn, and most importantly Haskell and Sarah), there's been way more instances or situations that deter or diminish what I have.

I know it's not my place to judge, and realistically I should be one of the last, but it's sad to see so much of the blatant disregard from others from what I'm no longer going to refer to as Christians, since there are a good group of people that are actually amazing Christians that I don't think should be grouped with those that I speak of, so I'm going to call those I don't like as "Fox Specials" as a way of capturing a group at once without overgeneralizing.

And with that, good night everyone.

Belated Resolutions

2007-01-06T13:28:00.001-08:00

So I've had a few days after New Years, almost a week, to decide some resolutions.

And I guess these are going to be a little bit more extravagant or unreal than what we've been accustomed to seeing resolutions as: Losing weight, Eating more healthy, Working out more, etc, etc...

Here are a list of mine:

1. Be happy with myself. Stop putting forth unreal expectations.

With that said here's the rest:

2. Draw more, sketch more, pursue the comic book that's been at the back of your skull all these years.

3. Work a little harder on school, less so on WoW / CoH/CoV

4. Be more open to stuff, responsibility is coming on swift wings, you're not going to be 19 forever.

5. Maybe take a break from my computer and read a book once in a while, or a comic book, okay e-books count.

6. Perhaps expand my horizons past cars and computer games. (Warning: Don't get too crazy. Cars and Computers are nice remember, you don't have to if you don't want too, I know you're an extremist... freak.)

7. Spend more time showing Sarah she's the most amazing girl on the planet.

8. Make Haskell and Bohl feel guilty for abandoning their radical anti-girl stances last year for girlfriends this year, and more so for abandoning me in the process (Haskell knows what I mean, in Portland for almost 2 weeks and didn't see him once... NOT EVEN ONCE! Bohl is okay though, he still makes time for friends, I love Bohl, I LOATHE HASKELL)

9. Talk to friends instead of merely nodding recognition at them as I pass by.

10. Stop being such a hermit, I know you, you just want to sit in front of your computer, and guess what, soon, when everyone hates you, you'll have plenty of time for that, so use this time wisely.

11. Hone my force powers beyond Force Speed and Persuasion, there's more to life than outrunning everyone and making everyone think you're awesome. You don't want to sell me deathsticks, you want to go home and rethink your life.

12. More organization, no more writing papers the night before or turning in assignments late. No more staying up all night, I'm not 18 anymore, I can't take that allnighter stuff anymore.

13. Don't be such a prick, everyone already hates you/fears you. Why don't you try to make a new friend, jerk?

14. Don't be so awesome, it makes everyone around you feel insignicant and worthless, tone down the awesome a little, okay?

15. Think of at least 15 new get rich quick schemes and market them on the internet in a book for the low low price of $195.98 (additional tax is buyer is from California).

I'm going to end on 15, because 15 is my favorite number.

So yeah, those are my years goals...

Wow... that's kind of a long list, how am I going to do that, I need to take some of those out... like 13, 13 definitely doesn't need to be there...

Out for Blood...

2007-01-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

Okay so honestly, I don't know what critics are understanding, but they are treating the entire movie Blood Diamond, even the conscience heavy message that the director, Edward Zwick, successfully presses on the audience, as fiction.

I watched the movie last night, the preview looked good, but what I saw was the Invisible Children message from a completely different standpoint. That of violence and immersion into the situation that nothing but the silver screen can produce.

And it provoked thoughts, as any movie pointing at real struggles does. My question is, Does this Hollywood treatment help or hurt the cause? They romanticize the struggle, give it heroes, but I'm unsure if it succeeded in motivating. There was so much more that could have been done I understand, but the message was clear: There are still over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa.

I believe that critics are reviewing the movie in the wrong ways. It's a big screen picture with a documentary message. And that message isn't making it to the public. The realities are harsh and the filmmaking and cinematography are never perfect, but the message is the important part. The message of the movie should be the focus, not the cinematography.

My only thought as I left the theatre was that I wanted to seriously injure anyone who said they didn't like the United States and didn't want to be here. Because they are a minority of the most priveledged people in the world, and if they don't want it, there are people that are literally dying to have that opportunity. If you don't like the freedom and the safety that our Nation has provided, then get out.

Friends

2006-12-29T23:01:00.000-08:00

People change. It's the natural way of things, we get older, learn, and we change because of what we've learned getting older. Original reasons you may have liked someone change. Maybe that trait is gone forever. Maybe you see something in them that you'd never noticed before. But for some reason or another you stop being friends.

This has happened to me. I'm reminded of it daily. And I remember the reasons. He lies, he cheats, he infuriates me with his self-rightness. But maybe half of that is my own stubborn pride, unwillingness to accept that I may have been wrong in trying to prove him wrong.

There's a load of reasons why I don't like him, but I still think back to a time when he was my best friend. How much fun we'd had that good 12 years that we were friends. There was fun aplenty. But there were problems too.

What happens when you have friends that aren't friends with each other. Where one side even hates the other? You have to pick a side and I had to pick, I was forced to pick a side because of the actions of one of them. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't had to choose and that I could sit down and just be friends again, but while he was my best friend, I was never his. That made the decision a little easier I suppose, but it's still hard. Sometimes I wish that we could go back 12 years and have the fun over again. But this time I'd be a little smarter I think, know what to do and not to do, maybe not get into so much trouble along the way... but without the chance of getting in trouble, where's the fun?

Nightmare before Christmas

2006-12-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

It's a dream. It has to be.

And I'm going to wake up soon. I know I will. This can't be real.

There's no way this is Christmas.

But what do I say? Is there anything I can say?

Life isn't going to return to normal now is it?

And there's nothing I can do.

Absolutely nothing.

God, are you going to let his happen? Why? Why don't you do something? I prayed so hard. Why can't you do something miraculous now?

A feud, but inside the family...

2006-12-20T22:20:00.000-08:00

I'm proud of my name, I'm proud of what it stood for. The man it stood for. That man is gone now. And without him the name is starting to look like a shell of it's original strength. That man is the reason I am not ashamed of my name, my size, my country roots, my blue-collar past. I was born to the field, for the field. I can turn a chunk of dry, arid, rocky desert into a lush, green plain. Green as the sun is hot.

That man was my Grandfather. He is my father, and he is me.

He held my world together with his bare hands, calloused and strong. At 70 years old he could pick up a boulder my size and tip it into bucket on the loader, he could work from dark to dark. He worked hard to give his children a chance, the same way my father worked for me, the same way that I'm going to work for my children.

I came from two strong families. My potential is great, though my work ethic lacks at times. I won't let it loosen any more. Not after what has happened.

That man didn't teach us about lying or deception. Especially not among family. There was no take in that man, just giving. He was about helping each other, what one had we all had. We didn't have wealth, but we had each other, and when wealth comes before each other, that's when we know they forgot him. Now I'm just raging. Fire like this hasn't burned in me in so long I forgot what it was like. Like the feeling of the steering wheel at 110, or the grip of a gun as it's fired, like the recoil of a bat as it connects with a ball, but all multiplied by a thousand.

And the only thought on my mind is payback. Revenge upon my family. And violence isn't the solution, the solution is success. It's the only way to win. And I will. I don't care how hard it is, I will.

He wanted school for me. He wanted it for his grandchildren like he wanted it for his children. And I'm going to finish and I'm going to succeed, I'm going to... I'm going to...

Steady Moving until 60...

2006-12-09T19:50:00.000-08:00

Got level 33 two days ago, yesterday reached 34, today reached 35, and tonight probably 36. I'm moving steady.

Blogging about it helps me stay motivated I suppose. I got my first PvP kills in Stranglethorn Vale today. Horde are morons.

More later.

Slow climb to 60...

2006-11-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

Me and Andy are playing WoW. We have decided to play to 60. No alts. We both started characters on the Dentarg server. I am a Dwarf Paladin, named Exon. And Andy is Megas, a Human Mage.

With the low server population it's hard to get groups for instances, but with us being the same level, we breeze through our quests and advance in levels fairly quickly with quest experience.

We don't play very much though, maybe 4 hours a day if you add up all the 1/2 hours I log in to play for a few minutes before a class.

Level progression is slow.

But we are progressing steadily, so maybe it's not so bad.

Halfway to 24... I'm gonna log on for about 1/2 an hour. Maybe I can get closer.

Lackluster Gaming...

2006-10-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

I'm really not liking playing WoW anymore. I don't like playing alone, which is how I feel since I dont' like the people I'm forced to play with.

I miss playing with Nick and Andy all the the time and I hope someday we can have that again.

I've been more enthusiastic about homework than gaming lately... that's how little I want to play anymore.

The game doesn't help me accomplish anything, and lately it hasn't even been fun or entertaining. The funnest I've had gaming was when me and Andy sent tells back and forth for 30 minutes.

I really miss Nick and Andy.

And Nicklaus, just so you know, I felt a swell of pride knowing that my accounting prof said that a Finance Degree from a state institution like yours would be better than one from Fox because they are more focused. You are amazing Nicklaus.

Andy, I'm going to hire you to be my Know-it-all. A Professional Know-it-all. It's perfect! How does $50,000 a year starting sound?

I miss talking about cars and computers and possible business ventures.

I miss alot of things...

You think you are so much better...

2006-10-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

You know those people, that you were friends with, who act like your friends, smile at you, ask how you're doing, but it's just a front, not who they really are.

I find myself surrounded by guys like that. Is it me that attracts "friends" like that? Those people who smile through their teeth, everything is a competition, show off, flashy fakes?

I know I'm smarter than them, but when they see their doing better this smugness crosses their face. Like they think they are superior... do they have any idea how meaningless they are to me?

If I were to give up my life and my personality, could I not perform that much better?

Such is my opinion... don't mistake my laziness for my actual intelligence. Don't mistake my manner for actual feeling... Don't mistake me again... ever.

Back to Basics

2006-09-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

School is not that hard... just keep telling yourself that, maybe someday you'll believe yourself.

Quizzes are dificult, though in the normal case of my life, not hard for anyone I'm friends with because by some turn of events they've had prior experience, so I have to work harder trying to understand, to catch up. Pisses me off.

Life in general is amazing, my girlfriend is the most amazing, beautiful girl I have ever known. And my roommates dont' grate on me that bad, life right now is pretty good.

It's just trying to keep up with all the homework and wanting to hang out and do things with my roommates, and really wanting to do things with my girlfriend.

I just get swamped sometimes. But I always pull myself back out. And that feeling of being finished with everything due, of being free for a few minutes... it's worth all the work and struggle.

I need to go turn in my paper now... anyone know where Sheridan House is?

Still Packing

2006-08-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

So I managed to get all my clothing packed away. It's already in the bag, zipped up, and ready to be carried to the car.

I limited myself to only 1 storage tub of misc items to take with me, and I finished that.

All thats left to do is my computer, I don't want to tear it down until I'm ready to leave, I want to be able to play with it tonight at least. I'm not ready to feel like I'm apart of the stone age quite yet.

I'm excited to get back to Oregon.

I guess I'll leave it at that,

good night, everybody

Express Packing

2006-08-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

So, I drove with my mother to Boise today and went to the mall and got clothes.

So now I have to begin packing my clothes, time to get ready to go to Fox.

I'm not taking as much stuff with me this year as I have previously, I want to keep it simply to my clothes, my computers, and a few misc (books, DVDs, PC Games).

I don't care what happens, I'm getting a bottom bed. I don't sleep on top.

Packing is a hassle, a big one. Packing to go home was awesome because Sarah helped me. But packing to go is a waste of time, and the process of beginning to pack has me wanting to leave for Oregon early. Once I have everything ready to go, it will be hard to motivate myself to stay.

And since my sister cluttered up the room with useless furniture it's an even bigger hassle that last year.

I hate my sister. She ran over my clothes bag and ripped one of the wheels off and a hole in it... so now I need to find another bag. Stupid girl.

Time to Start the Pickup and Packup

2006-08-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

First off, packing isn't going to be as fun without you, Sarah.

So, today was my last day of driving this year. I got the first load of Haylage in the spring and the last load in the summer... la-dee-frickin-da.

But until the day I leave, it's maintenance time! We have to clean/mechanic the trucks to peak physical condition before corn season. You get to be a mechanic for a couple weeks, Andy!

I have to decide what is worth taking back to Portland with me. I am taking clothes, my computer, and 1, count em 1, box of miscellaneous crap, no more 4 crates of junk.

My fridge, microwave, TV, XBOX, and all my movies are already at Craig's apartment, I'm going to ask him about that La-Z-Boy when we move over the fridge and stuff.

It's time that I need to start packing stuff up, but at the same time I can't leave for 5 days, so I can't motivate myself to do anything.

I'll just be lucky if I get all my Fox paperwork done before the 26th, they keep sending me more and more stuff to sign.

I should pack just in case something comes up and I can take off a little earlier... Don't hurt to hope.

Have a good day.

Preparation...

2006-08-09T17:43:00.001-07:00

Okay, so...

My first day back at home. I woke up and talked to the most beautiful girl in the world. Then I wandered over to my computer, played WoW for a few hours, talked to Sarah again, did my usual rounds over various websites, went downstairs and watched a movie, and now I'm back here...

I'm super tired, my head hurts, I haven't eaten yet today, and my ear is still plugged from swimming a few days ago. And in less than 12 hours I'll be getting ready for work. Frick I hate work.

So, I dislike the summer now. Have for as long as I can remember having to work. 5th grade. I want to go back to 5th grade and do it all over again, think of all the mistakes I won't make. It's like playing a game a for the first time and when you play again you know exactly what to do.

I feel so mediocre here.

Nick's going to run me through Deadmines... later.

Last Leg of the Race...

2006-07-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

So... what I was thinking...

actually not about cars this time, so I guess that'll be a little change of pace, a little excitement and all that.

I saw Miami Vice today, no real point to that movie... I mean there's not really much resolution and it starts in a random place and ends in a random place, but it's pretty rad from the beginning to the end.

I've also had a good bit of Helium run through my lungs these last few minutes, but I got Sarah to laugh, and at the end of the day it's all worth it to hear that.

Okay sorry, so a small aside about cars, Hooray for the Integra, boo for all the slow pedestrians walking in the middle of my lane that don't glance back until I go by them wrapped up to 7,000 RPM... Nicklaus, you would have been proud of me.

Tuesday I hop on a plane for Fresno, CA, which reminds me that I need to print out that frickin ticket. And then it's 7 days of 110+ degree glory with Nicklaus, Andy, and the Lima Bean Rocket. And come next Friday... Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

However, at the moment my mind is rampant, no that would imply spontanaeity and that is usually entertaining, my mind is ruled by boredom (see ruled sounds more orderly, and organization=boredom)

So I have a week in California, then a week of work, and then I take that paycheck and make a frickin mad dash for Portland, I can make it in 7 hours if I drive 10 over and only stop for that one gas-up in La Grande.

But Fox will be empty this year, we lost so many good men... Sang Wook Choi, The Black Kid, Firecrotch, S-double 'A'-vedra... Alex, Eric, and Beth were good friends, and Fox isn't going to be the same without them... but I know that someday I'll listen to the radio and hear Eric's voice coming through and then I'll be like, "I knew that guy once" and than I'll be like"Eric, give me free tickets and t-shirts and tell everyone that we're friends" and he'll say some smart-ass remark and then I'll have to stalk and beat him with a rubber hose. (True story Eric, if you're reading this) And my black kid is leaving, but at least I'll be able to say what I've always yearned to say, "I'm not racist, my roommate in college was black" giving me instant immunity. And Sang, well I hope someday I'll get to see him in his uniform. And then Beth, well actually I guess it's okay if I never saw Beth again... always trying to analyze me and get inside my head and "Get to know Bradley" Dear Lord that was creepy, hahaha.

Completely off on another tangent: I was driving home from work and I passed a stop sign way out in the country, 5 miles west of Jerome, honestly the last mile road before the countryside turns to desert, and someone had spray-painted "W-A-R" on the sign so it read "STOP WAR," and I was thinking, what stupid inconsiderate prick would do that? Our country has no patriotism anymore... too many different peoples have grouped in the US of A and they still cling to the beliefs they had before the came to this country. And you know what? That's okay, heritage is a great thing, not much understood by me because I don't care about race, I care about my name, because my name is my heritage, my pride. But at some point our nation lost our patriotism, because they became political, they lost trust in our government, they sat up one morning, and thought, "I could do it better." And from then on, nothing but criticism.

I'm not saying I'm not critical, because I am, I like to see rational excuses and logical plans and evidences as much as the next guy, but no matter how bad it gets, I've read the history books, I've watched the news, and it is not fair that those soldiers get a cold reception when they come home. It is not the soldier's fault what happens, they are trying as best as they can with the orders they are given. Those guys are putting their lives in danger, and if we don't care, than they start wondering why should they even try? Nobody cares about them, in fact people are even against them. My great-uncle was a Medic in Vietnam, he saw some messed up stuff, but he saved lives, he put his life at risk to protect others, to help others, he was a hero, and he deserved nothing less than a hero's welcome home, as they all did. And where some didn't, I believe that is one of the biggest injustices... I don't know... seeing anti-War protests, demonstrators, and propaganda, it just burns me up inside, I feel let down, I love this nation.

My ancestor came here with the hopes that his family would have a better life, and I believe he gave me that. There are few days when I don't miss my grandfather, how tall that man was, in height and character, and I remember that with one less Paulin on this beautiful Earth, I'm just going to have to dig in with both hands and work for both of us. He gave me a strong back so I could deal with life's larger burdens. And someday it's going to come time to see how much I can really take, how much I can lift without falling, and I pray to God that when it comes I'm strong enough that my Grandpa watching down doesn't see my steps falter.

I was born blue collar, and when I die, I hope I leave this pride and this strength in some strong sons and beautiful daughters.

And that's where I'll stop.

Time for a Summer Reflection I Suppose:

2006-07-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

So I move along in phases as most people who know me realize. I'll be big into computers, then games, then cars, then movies, then computers, then games, and so on and so on.

And right now is definitely not a computer phase, or a gaming phase (since I've only played about 1/2 hour of battlefront 2 since getting home). I read mostly I guess, watch a little TV, usually the Speed Channel or TLC when they have Overhaulin' or some such. I don't know it's just in my blood my Dad is into cars, but never really had the time or the money (as he was having to afford 3 children), and my brother is into cars (though in the older spectrum: American Muscle and Hot Rods), and even my sister is into cars, not that she likes to mechanic them or really work on them too much (though she enjoys tinkering with them now and again), and me well I like the newer ones... well newer than the 70's anyways.

And this age is hard for me, I'm not in an age where I have anywhere near the amount of time or money or experience to deal with cars as I've mentioned in blogs past, so I kind of watch with a tormented expression as I see good deal after good deal sweep past that long road of Life. There's so many cars I'd like to have, but it isn't the right time, if I had the car it would sit under a tarp behind my parents place, because there are other things I have to spend my money on: school, keeping fuel in my Integra, being able to visit Portland to visit Sarah and my other friends. Me owning another car would be an insult to that car, because there is no way my brother or my dad would go out there and waste time with my little sub-200 hp 4-banger, not when they have The Bird or Sheilah sitting around haha.

I have the money right now that I could get the B18C engine swap for NoTEC, or I could get a turbo and intercooler for the current B18B, or I could get a new exhaust system and a new intake, or I could just buy a 240SX in really good condition and leave it under a tarp at home, or find a nice CRX and leave that under the tarp. I have the money for the first step, but what's the point in taking that step when I can't progress for another 3 or 4 years?

My Integra runs good, it's clean, and is nicer than anything else I myself can afford at the moment, so I'm happy with it.

My dad is behind me 100% when I talk about getting a project car after I get out of college, he even suggested that I do the B18C swap for NoTEC when I get out of school, he thinks it would be a great idea, he likes the Nissan 240SX and the little CRX's and Honda hatchbacks (The EG and EK), he thinks that it would be a blast fixing one of those up.

And you know, from the way he's dived into The Bird, I think it'd be fun to get ahold of one when I get out of Fox. Like the CRX Andy used to have, that was a 1.5L and guess what? The Honda Fit is a 1.5L that most of the high performance car companies have jumped on and are making loads of bolt-ons for. You could replace that old CRX with a new Fit motor, it would require some work changing it over, but it would run strong.

So I wait, I just sit here, if a good enough deal ever came along, I would jump on it, but there hasn't been anything jaw-dropping for quite a while.

But to continue on with my reflection, this summer has been long and has been hard and depressing and hot. I've missed Portland, but it was good I came back. Got to see Nick and Andy graduate, got to make a chunk of change, it just turned out to be a good summer I guess.

The end is going to move pretty quickly though, in 6 days I'm on a plane to Fresno to spend a week with Nick and Andy, and then I have another week and a half of work, and then I'm driving back for another grueling year at Fox (and I say grueling because you'll understand when you see my schedule).

However, for now, I'm gonna go dink around, watch tv, read maybe, who knows. Talk to you later.

The Great Abyss That Is My Future

2006-07-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

So... the future is such an amazing thing. You can waste hours upon hours just dreaming about what it could be like, things you could do in it.

And what I want to do in it? P/R Performance (Standing simultaneously for "Paulin/Roaché Performance" and also "Personal Record Performance") The name is just a little something I've been working on for some time.

You know what? Even if it is never a business and just our little side project. Something for us to waste time on... that's enough for me.

But someday it'll happen dammit. Come Hell or high water.

I have a passion for those cars and it'll only grow. It'll happen, if I'm successful enough in other things, maybe I'll be able to support a small car shop too.

And with Andy and Nick ready to jump in as partners, I don't have a worry in the world that everything will work out fine.

4th of July

2006-07-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, freshly unloaded from the trip back from Oregon, the fantastic dream that was this last weekend fades into the background and reality once again rears it's ugly head.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, usually a happy holiday, but this year is very different. Throughout my childhood I remember laying out on my parents white flowered quilt watching as the massive explosions above kept me mesmerized and still for longer than my parents thought was ever possible by their seemingly possessed ADHD ingrained child. I remember my parents getting a bucket of chicken from KFC and watching my dad light up fireworks out in the street in front of our house on 20th Avenue. I remember the anticipation of the fireworks... how as soon as the fireworks stands started springing up you would try and spend as much money as you could amass and burn yourself a half-dozen times in the process.

As the years wore on our destructive capabilities, and wallets, grew. We no longer wanted sparklers and poppers, we wanted roman candles and firecrackers, bottlerockets and mortars.

My family, for the last near decade, has gone with the Maves to the fireworks display at CSI. But the Maves are gone. I used to run to Nick and Andy's Apartment and watch them light the mortars I helped them procure at Johnny's Country Store... But now they are gone too.

As I drove through the last several overpasses into Jerome I couldn't help shake the feeling that I was in the wrong place. I don't belong here.

I miss my friends in California. I miss my girlfriend and friends in Oregon. And I miss nothing about this place. This place, to me, is like my private getaway. Twin Falls is my hole-in-the-wall my little corner where no one can find me and I rule the world. I know it will always be here to fall back on if I need to, but I want to get out.

Happy 4th of July everyone. I have to work tomorrow, so I guess think of me when you see the fireworks explode, maybe I'll sit on the roof of my house and watch Jerome and Buhl and Twin's fireworks all at once. Or maybe I'll sit inside and just remember those days long passed where life was nearly perfect... at that beat up apartment with my best friends. The TV on but with the sound of Andy pounding on the keyboard clearly audible...

Andy and Nick... thank you. I can never repay you for how much you gave me. That beat up apartment was home to me. Everytime I go to Twin it still feels wrong not to drive straight to that apartment on Quincy... to know that neither of you guys are around and that I really am alone for once.

The Subject of a Trip...

2006-07-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

9 hours later and I'm laying on my bunk in my brother's apartment, thinking about seeing the love of my life in 12 hours... I lay there and rememeber her, how beautiful she is.

My computer desk at home is cluttered with slips of paper, cards, frames of pictures... all to remind me of her.

I miss her. Sarah, I miss you.

I couldn't wait to see her, pick her up from work at lunchtime and talk to her in person for an hour instead of on the phone for once.

And then I got to spend the entire next day with her, walking with her, talking to her, holding her. It was perfect.

And now I'm getting ready to leave again, my last night here... and I miss that girl. Those deep, brown, stunning eyes. That equally brilliant easy smile that plays across her lips every time I glance at her... So many things that I can no longer live without.

And I may not see it again for a long time, but I have a good memory. And there's only two more months to go...

How nice of the Lincoln County Sherriff's Department to pay for my bodywork...

2006-06-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting in the parking lot of Garibaldi's (A Mexican Restaurant) in Jerome, there was 3 other cars in the lot, a new blue Ford Explorer, a new white Subaru GTS wagon, and an old Chevy Cargo Van.

I was meeting my dad there for lunch.

I was a few minutes early so I was just sitting with the AC on, talking to Sarah, generally enjoying myself. And BAM! That oh so familiar crunch of sheet metal getting dented in reached my ears. And my initial reaction (expected from those that know me) was "No, the Subaru wagon killed another one! NOOOOO!" But WAIT! It was the new Explorer... and in big lettering on the side reads, Lincoln County Sherriff.

And so once again in a "Such is my life" moment. I had to go through the now common to me process of giving them my information and being nice to the guy that just crunched my car.

But as you knew, my front bumper on the Integra had some paint blemishes... so now they will be fixed and the cops are out hundreds of dollars, it's like CHRISTMAS!

I have a couple more photos, but I think these do enough justice on their own. So in summation:

Thank you Lincoln County Sherriff's Department for Pimping My Ride.

Douche bags.

Tokyo Drift?

2006-06-26T18:55:00.000-07:00

Is it some special kind of drifting? Some sneaky, underhanded, drift through a rice paddy to take the lead move?

No, it's a movie... the 3rd installment of the Fast and the Furious series, and easily the best of the three.

One thing that made me happy about this movie, they rarely showed the speedometer, well relatively compared to the others, it didn't show the cars screaming along in 6th gear going 40 miles an hour like in the first 2 movies.

The main character was stronger, more likeable, the way a hero should be. Cocky but understanding his strengths, but once angered he was balls to the walls no matter if he could win or not.

And I left that movie with a smile. When I heard that he put a Nissan engine into the Mustang before I went and saw the movie, I was furious. It's part of the Stock Rocket Jockey that I am, no matter how much a car is modified, no matter how fast it is, I still want to see matching brand emblems on the body and the block.(I like saying "My Honda beat the crap out of your car." Not, "My Ford-Nissan beat the crap out of your car." It just breeds confusion.) But then, as I sit in the theatre, glued to the screen, and watch as they are just scrambling to get it working (though I prefer a good paint job, it wasn't necessary in the fix-up process of the fastback) I no longer harbored resentment, because in a similar situation, I would find myself alot more open to suggestion, you know?

And God be praised it had a storyline. Straight, simple, uncomplicated, and entertaining.

I'm finally ready to buy a Fast and the Furious movie.

So now I am re-enthused about automobiles. Wishing life were so simple I could move away and just live... minimum wage, month to month, and own my dreamcar. In the end I would be unhappy but for a long while I would be on cloud 9, living my dream.

But maybe in the future, maybe I'll be able to gain what I want in the years to come, only 3 years until I'm out of school. Than I could get a steady job, steady income, and I could buy a car and invest in it, making it steadily more awesome.

Dreams... how can those without them survive? How do people without aspiration or ambition survive?

When I think of myself and the people I consider friends (The Lima-Bean Rocketeer and Andy)
I think, I myself look to be without drive or ambition, because I don't put time or money into what I have, though what I am doing is biding my time, 3 years and I'll be making money, I can support myself.
Nick, what can you say about the boy, an automotive Genius, he has something that you can never learn - Pure, God-given talent. He can drive anything, I've seen it.
Andy. Andy has a good bit of natural talent, but what makes him stand out is his intelligence. When he drives he knows what he's doing because he has already thought out what needs to happen.

And me... I'm the sidekick. I'm the reliable friend. I'm the kid that is going to go big with them. Someday...

Because you know what? Racing on a track... lame. Just keep running the oval, keep steering around the cones... The rush doesn't exist there.

The night Nick chased down those kids in that Accord with a full car of people... that was the night that I knew that anything Nick wants to move - MOVES, and FAST.

Andy, Andy doesn't do driving that often, but Andy is the guy that steps into a car for the first time and knows enough about that car and what he needs to do... that it happens.

And I'm the one that give them rides. Awesome by association.

The Bored Feeling Continues

2006-06-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

So the boredom is directly related to the fact that I have no direction in life, or a direction with no destination. I'm wandering and that annoys me. I want to have it figured out and just run headlong in that direction, but I can't...

I can't even make up my mind about what kind of car I want...

CRX or Civic? 240SX or 300ZX? Corolla or Supra(I know, I know, kind of a lofty hope)? Or maybe I want something completely different, like get a 180SX through an auction company in Japan and get it shipped over.

There's so much stuff that I can't figure out. That I'm not in the right location to figure out... I wonder if I'll ever be.

Boredom among nothing else...

2006-06-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

I am really bored right now. Like this undeniable, I have never, will never complete anything kind of boredom.

Where you want to be doing something but aren't sure what and everything suggested sounds lame. I can't think of anything I can do that won't make me feel even worse about my current predicament, at least nothing instantaneous... I wish I could drive to Portland or drive to Visalia or so something fun... Something spontaneous... I never do anything like that anymore. My life is one big reoccuring loop of events. Though sometimes this isn't all bad, like with the clockwork regularity that Sarah calls and rescues me from my dismal state of depressed boredom, that is the only reason I haven't lost my mind, sold my soul (and other various body organs), and run for a Vegas Loanshark so I can borrow a million dollars, buy a fast car, change my name, and drive hellbent for the Mexican Coast. Somewhere down on the Baja Peninsula sounds pleasant.

I just wish I could see my future, see that I won't be a complete screw up... then maybe I wouldn't be this depressed. But sometimes as I sit in this remote part of the country, cut off, for all intents and purposes, I feel like the world is moving on without me. Like while I work here on the surface of the sun, the world is advancing and I'm falling behind.

I've been looking at sand blasters and paint guns, want to start experimenting a bit, do a few small projects... maybe that will hold off the boredom for a time, but when it's hot like this, there isn't much to do but stay inside... so I have to think of something to pass the time.

Have a good day.

ADHD Error

2006-06-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

Whenever I finish a movie, book, story, magazine article, whenever I process any kind of information it stays in my head. I have an amazing memory. I always have, the reason I was able to do quizzing with my brother and the Roache's even though I was technically too young.

The information is always there, I retain everything, it's a matter of finding the right pathway to call the information back to the forefront of my consciousness.

Now, personally I believe that if technology is ever allowed to advance so far (which is only going to be able to happen if companies stop slowing down advancements by obtaining patents they then allow to expire because it's release would mean a decline in the utility of their own product [Ex. Oil Companies]) eventually computers are no longer going to be a physical thing, no that doesn't mean we are going to turn into the Matrix, but in some ways it could be similar.

Imagine, the human brain is the most complex thing in existence. The amount of data stored is astronomical. You could hear a song when you are 12 years old, 12 years later you hear the song again and the verses come without thinking, they just reappear as if by magic. Think of the benefit... with an operating system for the mind you could instantly search, find, and recall any memory, song, movie, book you've ever read/watched/listened to/lived and it would be there.

Games could become as real as the mind could portray them, hackers would simply be the people with the most mental strength or capacity, everyone would be trying to obtain the rainmain because he is the biggest file server in existence.

But with such advancement comes the problems with it, depending on the level of control the computer has on the person's mind, a hacker could steal an identity in entirety, they could steal your very personality. A virus released could devastate millions of minds, leaving large quantities of the earth's population as vegetables, the body survives but the mind is gone.

This was what I thought of today, and it kind of makes me excited to go outside because someday that farm ground may be gone, turned to a labyrinthine suburbia.

But as luck would have it, the operating system wouldn't work for me, I'd probably get an ADHD Error, a conflict error, trying to access too many random things at once.

Dreaming of being alone...

2006-06-03T06:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a dream of being alone? I did last night, and it was frickin wierd... oh man... but for now I need to get ready and head to work. Later.

Courage of a Hero

2006-06-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

Don't you ever wish you were a hero? Don't you ever dream of it, daydream of it, imagine what it would be like to be a knight, swordsman, mutant, gunslinger, soldier... the typical hero roles?

That seems to be what my thoughts are consumed by lately... though I haven't yet discovered the reason, it's an eerie feeling of knowing you have a purpose but not yet seeing what it is or how to go about fulfilling it.

It's like sitting in a 5 -way fork in the road and waiting for a little direction...

Don't shove it's not nice...

2006-05-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

So Rachel is moving in with my family for the next couple weeks, her parents are leaving for Portland today and she needed a place to stay while she works.

You know what that means? I get pushed out of the bathroom even worse than I already am. I don't keep any of my stuff in there, it's like being at school still, I live out of a bag, but now I won't even be able to get in there... 2 girls dear Lord... I've had a brother who was almost as bad as a girl and a sister at the same time, but never 2 girls... this is going to be hell.

The Great Depression Deepens

2006-05-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

I drive home and the rain spatters on the windshield, I look at the switch for the wipers, but I don't have the drive to turn it, the road blurs, I see the huge yellow circles of headlights moving towards me in the other lane, if I hadn't driven this road twice a day since I got my license it might be a little freaky, but I can close my eyes and see the road. I know the bumps and potholes before I feel the car reach them, my mind is in total chaos... the guy I thought I knew is nothing how I thought, the girl either, it's like I'm meeting two people for the first time. I'm so uncomfortable with it, but what do I say? I wish I could just fade out like I did exactly a year ago... Is there anything left for me here? Why did I come back? Thoughts just keep entering my head, questions to which I don't have answers.

Have you ever felt like the last person on earth that still holds the same values or ideals? Not surprising since my moral code was peiced together from dime-store western novels... makes life a little interesting though.

I miss Sarah and Alex and Parker and Haskell and Bohl and Craig and Felix. I miss Nick and Andy.

You know, sometimes it feels like there is no place to go but up. And then the rock beneath you crumbles and you find yourself a little lower than you were. I was low. I mean low, lying on my stomach swallowing dust low. And then... the ground beneath me collapsed, so now it's dark, damp and I'm choking on mud.

I went to X3 to get myself happy again, a pick me up if you will. NO! The opposite, there are few things that have ended with me feeling more depressed. The actual ending to the Hulk comics being one (Where the Hulk roams the desolate landscape that used to be Earth and Bruce Banner dies so the Hulk can never change back or else he too will die. The Hulk is forever alone until the end of time. The End.)

I've read the X-men comics, I've watched the cartoon series, I know what really happens. That what keeps me going.

My friend Koda got back from Virginia recently... for two weeks I had no one. I went to work, came home, talked to Sarah, went to sleep, and the cycle repeats at this point. And now I have a friend again, two actually because he has a girlfriend and like it or not, she's sorta stuck with me hanging around. And I don't want any sort of thoughts like "Oh, Brad doesn't have any friends." You want to know something, I never wanted, and still don't want, more than a few good friends, unfortunately with that comes a shortage of people to do stuff with.

Andy and Nick were the best to do stuff with, they were always up to do anything. Koda is pretty open minded about stuff too, but at the same time, I'm not that comfortable with him. I've changed and he hasn't. Or at least he seems exactly the same, I mean he has a girlfriend so that's a bit different. The way he talks, the way he acts, all exactly how I remember it.

My life is a shell now. I may not have liked Fox alot, but you know something, there was always somebody to talk to or something to do. I didn't get along with a lot of people at that school, a few I was vocal about, and many I wasn't. But I was happier in the bubble with my Black roommate. I don't know if Alex knows it, but I consider him one of my best friends.

And I'm so far away from all of it, everything that I have grown to love and appreciate. Sarah, my friends, heck even that frickin retarded school that I loathe with every fiber of my being sometimes.

I'm back here, doing the same thing I was a year ago, the year before that, and the year before that. I'm hanging around with Koda again... and it seems like life is moving super fast... backwards.

I have dreams about being back there, and then I wake and it's gone, like smoke.

I walked out the theater sad, on the verge of weeping? No, not quite, but the kind of sad where I just want to go home and sleep for a few days. And Sarah is busy tonight so I didn't want to bother her so I went through the contacts on my cell phone, calling everyone, no answers from any of them. Making me feel even more alone. It's like I'm on an entirely different planet.

So now I'm sitting here and every few minutes my phone rings so currently. Haskell was the first call back, followed closely by Alex.

Life is slow progressing, ever day the same until you don't know how long it's been, how long it'll be, what's happening in the world you knew without you in it... I sit in the cab of my truck thinking all day, sometimes simply about the task at hand, but my mind wanders, daydreams.

I work all these random thoughts, think of all these different scenarios for how my life could end up, wish I had more ambition or more motivation to succeed. My life, in the physical aspect has been perfect for a very long time. Amazing girlfriend, nice family, nice house, nice car. I have a job, I go to a good school, get good grades, I rarely do anything that's frowned upon and I never get myself into trouble. But I'm spoiled. I used to be such a prick I can't even convey it to you in words, and no one has seen me at my worst. I'm controlled enough not to let my thoughts see daylight. But I'm getting better. Fox was good for me, Sarah was amazing for me. Working this summer is good for me too, no matter how miserable it is.

I apologize for the length of this post, as I said before I sit in a truck and think all day, and this is one of the few times I can just let the thoughts flow out in a torrent.

Have a good night.

The Worst Day in Memory

2006-05-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

Nicklaus and Andy, you are the only two people that fully realize what I am about to explain.

"It's too stressful." Is what Nick said when I asked him why he quit driving for my dad. And I fully understood. Remember when Mike used to walk into his room after getting beaten at MLB 2K6 for the 10th time in a row on the easy setting and start throwing stuff at all the walls and making alot of noise? Well somedays, I feel like doing the same thing.

The day starts fine, nothing wrong, everything is boring and smooth. And then the problems start. We were supposed to be done chopping, Steve was supposed to take over, but he broke down again, so we get our chopper out into the field and we turn it on and we blow out the fuse for the header controls. Okay, we replace the fuse, and then blow it again. Chopper is out of commission for now. Steve's chopper is running again so we go again, I load and head into the pit, I back up to the pile hit the PTO switch and... nothing. PTO doesn't engage. Suck. I call my dad and he drives up and after messing with the wiring for the PTO he finally gets it running again, the power wire had a break in it so we fixed it. We thought good, problem solved. We back the truck up to the pile again and it starts unloading and then the gate starts coming off with the load. Crap! We turn off the PTO and slowly drive away from the pile. The gate has sheared off all but the bottom bolt on the side of the gat, it's barely hanging on the passenger side. We grab the loader and nudge it back into place, the loader shuts off and the loader starts rolling backwards. No brakes or steering while the engine isn't running. And it starts rolling straight backward right into my dad's pickup. Are you kidding me? What else can go wrong honestly? So after a long string of obscenities we grab the ladder and use the come-along and get it back into place so we can set a second bolt in it. Just enough so we can get it unloaded and driven back to park it. And that is how the day ended... friggin a load of crap.

I... hate it. It's friggin stressful. you are constantly worried about breaking it or something happening... and it sucks.

It's days like these that I wish I hadn't come back home. You know what Nick? It is stressful, but I didn't want you to quit because misery loves company, and once you left I didn't have anyone to sit around and talk about how bad life sucked with anymore.

I'm pissed off all day because it's dirty, I smell like the frickin dairy, It's hot, I have a headeache because it's so frickin bright that it's like the surface of the sun, and I'm tired. I've been driving for 9 hours and my back hurts, and my legs hurt, and my arms are tired of cranking that wheel, I just want to shoot someone.

Such is life... or mine at least.

Always having to start over at the end...

2006-05-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

I have a problem coping with the end of things, the end of books, tv shows, movies... I don't want them to end, I invest so much of myself into those things that when they end it does feel like a person I'm atually friends with has died, because I will never see or read about them again... they are, for all intents and purposes, dead.

The Da Vinci Code is an amazing book, no wonder it sparks so much controversy, it makes you want to believe what it's saying. You feel so much natural kinship to Langdon that you automatically want to just go with him in everything, you want it to be real.

So now it has ended, and I'm depressed... I love books, I love reading, it stems from a deep burning hunger for knowledge. Something that has been ever present as long as I can remember, I love to learn new things, trivial knowledge is my forte.

And within that trivial knowledge I find self-purpose. I know more about Star Wars than anyone I've ever met save Andy and Nick. And as geeky and nerdy as that is, I feel a sense of pride at that.

The purpose that I've chosen for myself is as a Protector of Trivial Knowledge, of the not so common conception of thought.

And now, with a somewhat depressed outlook on my day as a whole, I continue on, for the acquisition of knowledge is never ending.

Gnawing inside...

2006-05-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Why am I so lonely?

I mean I'm always around people and I'm still lonely.

It's like constantly eating but starving.

Thunder and lightning outside and in my head...

2006-05-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

So... let's run through how fantastic life is shall we?

It's hot, I'm in the middle of a dairy and I'm miserable... all day.

I've been having to work on my sister's homework so she can pass her stinkin classes.

On one drive through Jerome, I get hit almost a dozen times... that's how bad driver's are here.

I don't have any friends here, Nick and Andy went back to California, Sarah is in Oregon, and Koda is in Limbo for all I know...

Oh well...

I know that I have emotional extremes... I'm either super happy or super depressed, and lately life has been nothing but depressing.

It's like a hardcore overcast day, but every once in a while the sun breaks through for a few moments. That is how my life feels.

You want to know how depressed I am? I don't have dreams anymore. When I sleep I just close my eyes and then I open them again, feeling as tired as I did what seemed like only a moment before. But I don't have dreams as in life goals anymore either... I had some a week ago and now whenever I think about them I realize that I am done with them.

I can't game because I don't have time, I get to play maybe an hour or two a day if I'm lucky.

A little less than a year ago I got to George Fox, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't have any friends at Fox, I knew Haskell a little bit and I'd talked to Bohl and James before but... I was so sure that I was going to live in misery. I promised Andy that I wouldn't change, I told Koda that I was already as socially advanced as I would ever need to be.

I did change. Though the changes were so slow progressing that I can't discern myself now from myself then (besides some topical obvious ones).

I went to Fox hopeless. Lost. I went to Fox because my brother went to Fox, that's as little thought that went into the choosing process for me. I was only concerned about getting out of Jerome and having enough success to return in triumph a few years down the road and smear their white trash redneck faces in it...

Funny how life turns out. How what seemed like my ultimate goal wasn't really a goal at all but a revenge for some wrong that they had done me over the years. But you can't hold grudges liek that, and you can't be so rash, or so violent. Everytime I see a problematic situation my mind instictively leaps to a physical way of solving the matter... but when was the last time I actually resorted to a physical method? Obviously long enough ago that I forgot how much it hurts or there's no way I would be even thinking about it...

I was so burned out on life when I got to Fox... so ready for anything new, just for something new.

I never had to give my life story, I've never had to share so many things... I've never been able to tell an unbiased story though either so it would have ended up being "Bradley the Magnificent: An Autobiography."

I'm sorry for whoever has to read this... it's long and without end, just like in real life, there is no resolution so you can sleep easier at night.

Most of this is just coming from a guy who is nearly cut off... if not for technology I might not even exist... from a guy who is away from his girlfriend and from his best friends.

He sits in front of his computer for a couple hours everyday dreaming of being with any one of the people he cares about, just thinking about what they are doing at that exact instant. He closes his eyes with thoughts of his loved ones, opens them with the same thoughts renewed, and spends his light hours in a neverending daydream of memory. Sometimes in dreams of the future, but they feel so empty to him...

I don't even know where I was going, thoughts in my head are pretty chaotic right now... sorry to burden anyone else.

Have a good night.

The rest of my life is going to be this crappy? Suck...

2006-05-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a business major, sort of, but what's my goal? What am I going to do? I have no frickin clue.

I want to work on cars, sell cars, wash cars, be a pump man at a gas station... I don't care! I just want to do something with cars, because they are about the only things that make me happy.

What kind of life am I going to be leading?

Is it wrong that my dreams make me discouraged? No matter how much I want it, I'll never be in a position to do it, won't have the money, knowledge, credibility, experience, help, whatever... something always keeps me from it.

Such is life... well to be more specific such is my life... and Andy's life...

Maybe someday we can turn it around. Pray for us... because there ain't no other way... we tried everything else... and failed.

Monday the 1st of May

2006-05-01T13:08:00.000-07:00

So... my mom and sister are scrambling to ready themselves so they can get on the road to Boise... I'm just kickin' back... I waited until they started screaming, quickly packed and loaded my meager luggage in the Jeep just under 3 minutes. Am I good? I'm good.

So now they are still yelling at each other and I'm as a leaf on the wind... I'm just floating you know? hahaha

It's my parents anniversary today. Married 24 years today. But it's also the night of my Grandfather's viewing... so that's a heckuva way to spend an anniversary.

I still need to hit the mall in Boise... I need a black belt, black socks, a black shirt, and a black tie... so basically I need everything... frickin a...

And in other news:

I've started playing Star Wars Galaxies again... and it feels amazing. I'm still getting used to the feel of the game revamp... but I like some of the new stuff... though I hate alot of things. But I guess I have to stop living in the past.

Feels good to be back in Idaho. It's so easy to get around and do stuff compared to Portland... and everything is cheaper too...

Goodbye Urban... Hello Rural

I drove the Bronco this morning it was really nice, and it's friggin hot here... like 80s and such...

Oh well, I'll catch you guys on the flipside, maybe I'll update it from my hotel room tonight.

Who knows?

Why?

2006-04-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

Why can't I find the words?

And I can't cry either, I feel like I am but the tears don't come out... after holding it in for so long now I can't even do it...

I feel like part of me died, I want to just collapse and weep... why can't I? WHY CAN'T I?!

It was my fault, there's nothing I can do, no way to make anyone believe me...

I feel so helpless... I'm so pathetic that I'm not even human enough to cry. I feel the pain... enough to wish I were dead...

When I woke up this morning I was happy... when I fall asleep tonight I will be broken.

Why can't I just cry? All I want is to break down... be vulnerable for once... please... why can't you grant me even that...

It's hard to swallow, my breath is shallow and haggard... and I can feel the tears on the verge... but it won't come...

I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life...

Welcome to the worst week of my life...

One week to Dead Day

2006-04-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

I need to stop worrying what people are going to think of me. I need to stop trying to please everyone, I'm not entirely honest with myself and the way I feel how am I going to be honest with others.

We were raised not to be rude, not to be weird, not to be mean, or selfish, or arrogant.

But what I am wondering is if it's the act of not following that gives us power or simply the choice to act accordingly or not.

I have a final every day next week, with two on Wednesday. I'm tired and beat down and wanting to be done, but wishing at the end, we had a reprieve. Just a few days before we had to part, to spend with the guys, with Sarah, just being lazy and enjoying myself, no worries, just time.

But life keeps moving, even while we are here in the Fox bubble, the world keeps turning and we have to go back. Back to what I once knew as normality. Back to a life that seems like a nightmare to me now... how can I return to that after experiencing this?

I miss the days when I was younger, but I realize that I'm still young and that remembering is letting more time slip away.

I finally have a small arrow of direction, it's vague and I can't see far in that direction, but I'll move that way for as long as I feel I should.

I made it to Oregon, with a small wagon, no oxen, and only 1 spare wheel... beat that wench.

A tragedy... but perhaps also a comedy

2006-04-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

Drama either way.

It's interesting. Life at Fox can dull you to some degree. Something that shouldn't make a difference all of a sudden means everything. Influences all of your conversation and makes you rethink decisions.

How commonplace did such complications used to be? They were always solved so much simpler. Well actually they were dealth with nearly the same way but it was so... natural or normal that we really didn't notice.

I realize how much I have changed. I'm not confident. I've lost self-esteem since coming here. I used to be so cock-sure of myself all the time, I wasn't embarrassed because I was uncaring. And I didn't submit to anyone, I didn't feel like a sheepish child.

What has happened to me? It isn't humility I know that. It's something else.

Now it's time for sleep.

Good Night, Pennington. You are like a book of plays, both tragedies and comedies. What kind will tomorrow be?

How do I put into words?

2006-04-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

I feel really happy... Driving last night, it felt pretty natural. I finally feel that I can adequately drive it. I don't need to go fast anymore, I know I can and I know what I can do when I decide to.

As I sit here I listen to music, peruse the net, enjoy the overcast, gray lighting coming through my window.

And a song comes on that I totally connect with, something that I feel totally sums up the way I feel. And so I play the song over and over, everytime I hear it a little more a part of me it becomes.

I feel like a road trip... I just want to drift from town to town... no real direction.

Wow... life is really good right now.

Sittin, Thinkin, Cursin...

2006-04-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

So... as I sit here, working on the 2nd page of my 6 page paper I neglected until the night before (Man after your own heart, right Andy?) I was hit with the sudden realization of what life has become for me.

My room is dark, illumination comes mainly from the computer monitor, It's cold, both windows are open, every now and then glancing at the pictures on my desk of the girl I absolutely adore, worried, excited, and anxious over the work I have left to do before I can rest... and the smell of a spring night drifts through the window on a gentle breeze and it sparks memories, of the way life was.

And look at me... am I older than I was? I still feel young, I still feel like a 13 year old. In fact when I give my age, I stumble a bit... because it feels like I never matured, I mean, numbers changed but not the person.

I hate and love research at the same time, excited because every time I open a book my way of thinking is changed in some way, but I hate having to then exercise my new found understanding onto a blank page.

I have some other thoughts, but I'll wait til a little later on in the night before I extrapolate.

Have a good night, whoever stumbles across this.

Desperate....

2006-04-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

I had so little sleep last night...

I slept for stints of like 5 to 10 minutes... 5 to 10 minutes of nightmare... I gave up after about 2 hours and then after my alarm went off I slept for about 40 minutes of solid dreamless sleep.

And then I drove back to Portland. I could have let Dan drive I suppose but than what would I have done?

I need sleep so badly but it's like I forgot how... I'll lay down but I won't sleep... I just think...

And I've had enough time to think... I'm so... tired, sorry, confused, scared, depressed, anxious...

Fear overshadows the rest... and I'm scared spitless.

I'm a hick. Yessir, I am.

2006-03-31T09:16:00.000-08:00

So... I've spent the last week running around doing errands for my old man, drove for a few hours yesterday.

I can feel the rural seepin' back into my veins. But as much as I wanted to be home, I don't have it in me to stay put, I already wanna be back in my car driving away, not necessarily to be anywhere, just to get somewhere. It's raining outside, so no work today, fields are too wet and muddy, the trucks would get stuck trying to pull through 'em. (Though the trucks almost get stuck pullin through them when they're dry, that field is like a sand pit.)

I'm just sitting here, laptop sitting on the floor next to me, headphones on... listening to Tom Petty and Skynard.

I feel like I'm ready to head back, home was good for a bit, but now it's time to get back to Oregon.

I reaffirmed who I am, why I am the way I am. And now I can go back.

I was lucky that God made it rain, I stayed up way later than I should have because of some stuff going on. So I was really tired. But Fox has me ruined, unless I go to bed really late, I'll always wake up at least 3 times before 10. I can usually go back to sleep but... lately I haven't been able to.

Ok... well it's getting to the time of day where I should get up and do something.

Later

I remember back to a time... wait was that yesterday?

2006-03-30T19:30:00.000-08:00

So... I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Me and my brother are both back home. And we hung out today. How weird is that? It's like a bizarro world.

Driving the trucks, working on trucks, running errands, welcome to my life... 7 months ago. haha. Life is the same as it was, the last 7 months could have been a dream if Dan wasn't here to keep me from waking up.

Finding Truth In The Lie...

2006-03-29T10:15:00.000-08:00

So I wonder, when random people wander across my blog do I seem like the typical teenager? Angry at the world, at life, at how complicated my life is... is that I am? That certainly is my intent once in a while, but generally that's not my intent. I'm happy with the way my life is right now. I'm not perfect in any way and I know I'm not "old enough" to know how tough life can be... but then again, how old do I have to be before my past becomes life experience?

Are all teenagers angry at the world? No. I don't believe that to be true, I do believe they are naive and ignorant for the most part. I was naive. Only 7 months ago I was naive compared to now, not ignorant because I knew what was out there I saw both roads, but didn't see it for what it really was, it was sugar-coated. I'm still naive because of the path I've chosen, but those that took another road are naive to way life is for me. So it was a trade of one life for another... did I choose the correct path? That's something only a study into the long run will show.

I realize that I haven't blogged in a few days, but then again, not many people read this so... It's not like the world ends right? Right.

I hate it when people take things for granted. More angry because I hate it and I do it. That is infuriating.

I have an awesome family, an amazing girlfriend, a wicked car... I go to a good school... what else is there? How serious of a person am I, and how serious should I be? Should life be coming together at this point? Should everything suddenly fall into place like a perfectly played game of Tetris®? I don't know... life is confusing for me but I don't hate it or think that my life is more confusing than anyone else's... I have issues that might make things difficult in my personal case, but I don't think I'm more confused, beat-down, or angry than the next college kid. You know?

And with that I'll say good morning. Have a good day. And you know what? I really mean that.

Preparing to Run

2006-03-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

I'm heading back to Idaho... I'm heading home.

Me and Big Dan are leaving for Idaho at 4 AM tomorrow.

Long drive ahead of us...

The Half-life of Horror

2006-03-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

Can life exist without conflict? Every hero needs conflict... but the real question is am I a hero and is it something I need to exist?

A hero...

The world needs heroes just like a hero needs a conflict to arise victorious out of.

Is it strange that I zone out and my head is filled with these heroic daydreams?

Makes a person feel out of place. I was born in the wrong era... I can only be a hero through games and movies, through the media.

Oh well... I guess I wait until the right conflict arises. It seems that I'm always so far out of adventure's way.

But I guess that's what creates the hero, a situation, a conflict, and without one an ordinary person will remain an ordinary person. But is it the hero that seeks adventure or is that the villain's job?

Is the hero the happenstance victor, the person thrown in without choice and has to protect all he's ever known? That's what it seems like.

That makes me the villain. But a hero can't be born without a villain right? That is the villain's job... to create the hero.

So I create a hero, but what if the villain is the hero?

Life at 10:15

2006-03-20T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm not insecure. Or at least I don't believe I am. Am I unsure or doubtful of the future? Of course, what person my age isn't?

When did you become the sun? I can't even remember now, it feels so long ago... but it hasn't been long at all. I can't remember the time frame but I remember how it felt, how it happened.

Have I changed, am I not a fun guy anymore? Is everyone right... have I become soft, have I become too... serious? I don't remember the change... I don't even feel a change... or do I?

How much fun was it? I can't remember now...

I want to put money into my car, into my computer, into games... will I ever be able to again?

I wonder if I'll ever be in the position to do stuff as freely as before. My money has other demands now... like supporting me.

Oh well, maybe someday.

Blow Your Mind - Phase 1

2006-03-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, got the stereo installed in my car yesterday. I'm excited. The deck is awesome. I love it will all of my being.

And God said it was good.

I'm hoping to upgrade the speakers and maybe add an amp and a sub later this summer. Who knows... I never know what I'm going to do.

Random awesomeness and other stuff.

Alone, and alone, and alone, and alone and silence...

2006-03-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

So I've become accustomed to no one commenting on my blog entries anymore... for some reason, maybe intimidated by sheer amounts of my posts. That's what I thought because the comments stopped when I began blogging nearly every day... or maybe nobody cares about the blog, or nobody reads it... and that's cool... except now it freaks me out when I find out that somebody actually looks at it...

So now when I see a comment, like Whatafreak commented on my last post... that blew me away... Honestly, I was excited when I saw that... is that sad or what?

Anyways... I dunno... I'm gonna go... this class is boring... Good day to you.

ANGST!

2006-03-14T23:10:00.000-08:00

So as I read my friend Whatafreak's blog entry I'm suddenly finding it mirroring my own feelings, my own thoughts.

I have no motivation for what I am doing. I have no passion for something that I feel that doesn't mean anything to me. I just want to be away, you know? I want to be back in Idaho, without any care but getting to work on time and putting more money into my car. I want to be in another country doing something, anything. I want to be away. I don't feel that business is where I want to be, not because I feel I don't belong, and not because I feel I'm not good at it (I am good at it, I just have yet to apply myself in any class so far this semester), I just don't feel comfortable doing anything when I don't have a goal in mind. I have no idea where I am going to end up, what I am going to be doing, it's hard to choose a path in the school to follow without some plan for the future. I want to own a car shop, I want to work on cars, fix cars up, do modifications... But I can't, that dream is unattainable to me. I want to own a gaming shop, a computer business, so many goals and so little chance of any sort of accomplishment. Because I have no motivation.

I have no path. I am lost, like a wolf in a world of sheep and the wool is starting to slip off.

Life is never going to turn out. I am never going to accomplish anything. I need to pursue at least one dream...

My brother bought a brand new pickup tonight. I get more excited and enthused about cars than I do about anything else in the world... but I can't seem to find a way to bring it all together in my mind. School, Cars, and the Future... for some reason it never fuses into a feasible vision.

So where do I go from here?

Where do I go?

I am so... confused, lost, and tired. Tired of not knowing how anything is going to turn out. And angry too, I am angry that I don't know what I want to do, that I can't decide on anything.

And I'm angry that I can't make myself actually try in my classes, that I slip because I still don't care. In high school, I always told myself it's okay if you don't care about class, high school doesn't matter, College matters I'll actually pay attention in college... but I find myself doing the exact same thing, not paying attention, not doing my work all the time, not giving my best effort... and now I suffer for it. My GPA suffers, my future suffers.

I am tired of all of this trash...

I just want to work on cars and be happy... and have a clothing line maybe... I've always wanted that. Maybe I could fuse the two together... who knows.

I'm going to stop now... I'm tired and aggitated... and I'm likely to have an aneurysm if this continues...

I want to be motivated, I want to succeed, sometimes you just have to grab life by the throat and make it do what you want it to... Make yourself succeed.

In the beginning...

2006-03-10T14:38:00.000-08:00

What does it mean that it's only been 3 hours since I've seen Sarah and it feels like forever. Because I know I won't see her for 2 days, that's probably the reason for the feeling.

2 days? How much I already miss her, and how much more when I wake up Sunday morning... I can't even fathom what the summer is going to bring... I might not see her for a month at first.

How lucky am I that she makes time so that I can see her everyday?

How am I going to survive through the summer without being able to see her like this?

What seemed convenient never was to begin with, because I knew how hard it would be once the year was out. Even when I first started liking her it was a constant nagging worry: How am I going to deal with the summer if something develops? Well, now something has, and now I have to deal.

But I like her, more than I can explain, more than I even realize. And I wholeheartedly believe it's worth it.

9 hours of driving for a chance to see her? Heck yeah I'd do it, in a second, in a heartbeat...

On a different note: I played Guild Wars today, first time I've gamed since December, and even though it's a crappy game as far as MMOs go, it's better than nothing.

Better get back to reality for a while.

Blurring the Line...

2006-03-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

Is there a point where reality and fantasy cross? I believe so... at some point, it's the time between when you wake up and you open your eyes... for those few seconds, the world could potentially be anything you believe it to be.

I went to sleep at around 5:30 this morning... I am dead tired. But with being utterly exhausted comes this really great feeling of emotional distance. You feel like you aren't yourself, like you're watching yourself throughout your day. Able to persuade yourself to make decisions but a separate entity altogether.

How do I keep going like this? Easy. You can't stop. It's an impossible thing. To stop is to ultimately die. And I'm nowhere near ready to die.

How complicated life can be at 18 years of age. How much more so will it become, when you feel like you are overwhelmed, at your breaking point, all of sudden the burden seems to grow, in size weight and density.

Am I ready for any of the responsibility? How much do I think I can handle and how much can I actually take? Two entirely different amounts, my heart says to grab life and choke a torrent of joy from it's core, but the brain tells me to move cautiously... slowly... tries to uproot me with doubt and indecision.

But what is there to be indecisive about? I've made my choice already.

My blog started out with me... so angry, so mean, so crude... my first statement was to be devoid of this "sentimental crap." What have I become? Be honest... what do you see?

(Sidenote: Is it weird when other people can write your name better than you can? Even when you've been writing it for better than 15 years?)

The Morning of the Monday of the Week After...

2006-03-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

This last week was incredible.

Everything was incredible. Sarah met my family and she was wonderful.
And she went with me to Drew Maves' wedding and met alot of people that have been close to me for as long as I can remember. And she was perfect. My parents really liked her, which makes me happy because if they didn't I would ignore them and like her anyway, but it makes me feel a lot better that they don't disapprove.

Assassins started at midnight last night... excited? Not really, a little... I dunno, let down that they didn't try anything. Courtney is sitting 10 feet from 5 Penn men... I bet she's feeling uncomfortable at the moment... mwah hahahaha.

It's funny how every week lately has been a contender for the best week of my life. Every week is better than the one before it.

And then all of a sudden... I get this really nervous, flighty feeling. I want to run. I want to get away... from what? I don't know. Life. Responsibility. But I want to take her with me.

I have had 2 weeks to write my speech. I haven't done anything. I haven't researched or even thought about it basically.

And so this is how it ends, recognition of laziness, realization of fault.

It's been what 7 hours and 30 minutes since I've seen her... Weird that I realize this? That I think about it? Not really, I have a constant running commentary of memories and conversations... Makes me want the next time to happen that much sooner.

Lag.... LAAAAAAAG! Just kill me now...

2006-03-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

I decided to blog at 8:15, It's now 8:22... it took 7 minutes to login and create a new post. Need I say more about Fox's internet...

8 Minutes before I leave for class, can anything of value be uttered in that amount of time? Let's watch:

I hate the time before classes, it's horrible. It's never enough time to go and do anything, so you just have to sit and wait. I listen to music, check my email, maybe talk to someone on an instant messenger... just waiting for time to pass, feeling myself get older.

I'm so tired right now, I went to bed after 2:30 and wake up at 7:30. Was it worth it? It is always worth it.

3 classes today. A 6-page packet to get done before 12:40 that I haven't done yet and I need to have the Gospel of Mark read before 2:40, why do I put myself in these predicaments? Because, other things are more important.

2 more minutes:

I want sleep, but I won't ever get it. I can't sleep after class because Chapel is an hour away and an hour of sleep would leave me more trashed than I already am... and I have to do that stupid piece of crap packet and read Mark.

And so time is up... I'm going to walk to class.

My parents are coming down Thursday night and Sarah finally gets to meet them.

It'll be fun.

Listening to nostalgia... and remembering the good times.

I can't escape from the music... I can't escape from the music!

2006-02-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

So I'm hosting Eric's Myspace background for him. E to the P Music, its really good, his stuff is pretty mellow, it's pretty easy listening. But I'm glad I could help him out if in a pathetically small way.

I have a quiz in every class today. Yippee. I hate life. I don't feel so sick today though so that's a plus. My throat doesn't feel sore anymore. Hopefully I'm fine again in a day or so.

I got an Acura recall on my car that I'm super stoked about. They are going to replace a number of engine components on my Integra because it fell into a certain section of serial numbers. I'm really excited about it. But I'll probably have to wait until this weekend to get in to talk to an Acura dealer. I wish I could fix all the stuff on my car. And I wish I could finally fix it the way I want to. I want to fix is it as follows:

Fix the dent above the windows.
Fix the bowed out door
Replace the stereo
Replace the passenger door lock
Fix the dent next to the antenna
Swap the engine with a B18C (GS-R)
Install a turbo, intercooler, and all that jazz
Upgrade the suspension
Upgrade brake system
Tint windows (Not super dark but to a reasonable degree)
Upgrade the clutch
Volk TE37 Wheels
Toyo tread
Some audio modifications (Speaker, subs, amps and so forth...)

I'm really amped about my car right now... really excited and I don't have the time or the money for it so it really isn't a good thing. Okay well, I'm gonna study for my Macro quiz now... have a good day.

Positively Pessimistic

2006-02-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

I have a quiz at 12:40. Chapel is in 30 minutes, but I'm not going. Have to finish my homework and study for the test.

My throat is really sore, the sickness is finally on me.

You don't realize how much your comments cut do you? You don't realize how deep they bite? It's not like I have difficulty remembering what I've done or what I've said, but you make sure I remember. Is that fair? Maybe it's what I deserve. Makes me want to walk away, head hung low, feeling like death.

It just adds to my increasingly ever-present confusion. You mask your emotions as you speak, the tone is so flat, your expression is too. I'm lost.

Happy for the most part.

Not a secret but not freely given...

2006-02-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

God, grant me wisdom in what I do, and how I act. Help me to act not in my own interest but for your glory. Guide me Lord, because no plan or arrangement against you can hope to succeed. Give me wisdom, God, give me wisdom.

It's eerie. For the first time I can't talk to anyone. It makes me feel apart from them. For the first time since arriving at Fox I am alone. These people around me, they don't know who I am. They don't know what's happening. They are just faces. No one understands where I am. No one here could understand where I am, because I haven't told them, and maybe not even then. I am so alone. But you know, maybe not with full comprehension because I can't speak. Are you as lost as me? As scared as me? I am so confused I don't know where I'm going, the direction, the speed...

I'm eating with them and they are happy, I know the occassion and I should be happy too, maybe I am happy, but I can't feel the emotion. No emotion, just thought. I see smiles and it registers in my mind why, but I can't figure out how to smile. Please save me.

How did I get to be in this position? I was tired... but I wanted to stay, I didn't want it to end, I never want it to end. I wanted to stay...

I wanted to stay...

... and I'm sorry.

Neutral. Neutral? Screw that... put it in gear.

2006-02-20T08:06:00.000-08:00

It seems that lately, I only turn to blogging in cases of emotional extremes (anger, depression, frustration, elation, etc, etc...) so I decided to write a neutral one. No emotional ties or hidden meanings here.

I have a really light load in Bible Survey this week, almost no reading, like 4 or 5 handbook pages a day. Business is business, though I have a midterm for it on Friday. I already got my homework done for Macroeconomics, and so besides chapel I really don't have anything to do today. I have a speech I need to start researching for, but I have 2 weeks yet before it's due so I have some time.

My roommate's sick... but I've been getting enough sleep lately that my immune system is keeping it from me.

And that is about it... life is really good right now. I don't know if it can get any better... more like this is the best it's ever been and I can't imagine the capacity for it being better than it already is.

Anyways, have a good week.

Ambiguous Relating to Situation Blog Title

2006-02-18T22:42:00.000-08:00

So I left. To keep from saying something that I'd regret or you would. Though in all fairness it does prove that I don't talk often for a reason.

What I was meaning was far from what you understood, you are making me seem like an incredibly forward jerkoff. That is not the way I am, and that's the way it sounds. I'm the one that caused everything, everything is my fault. Who's there to defend me? No one.

That is what bothers me. And this makes me second guess myself, my intentions, my feelings... that is completely wrong.

I can't talk off-hand and I can't be blunt, look what happens... What do you want from me? You say you want one thing but you can't deal with the results. Where does that leave me, utterly confused, and usually, at the end of the night before I close my eyes, I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person.

This is how I get out what I'm thinking, I type faster than I think and I'll probably regret everything in the morning, but right now this is what's running through my head.

Alone

2006-02-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

No one to talk to. No one to understand. Surrounded by pitch black. Blink... blink... blink... The cursor doesn't change, it's steady, like a flashing light at the end of a tunnel that doesn't seem to end. It mocks me, mocks my thoughts. But at the same time it gives me something to focus on. A goal. I'm typing as fast as I can to catch it but never overtake it. And I never reach the end of the tunnel...

I'm alone... no one is around.

Prophetic Perspective

2006-02-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

Beebe Brethren... I dunno.

I don't plan for the future ever. I don't know whats going to happen.

I'm stuck between how ridiculously slow Fox internet is...

I just kinda wish this year would never end... I like how the living situation is right now, but at the same time I wish I could fast forward and already have this figured out... I really don't want to live off campus.

Tuesday the 14th...

2006-02-14T22:10:00.000-08:00

So... the earth is round?

Crazy...

I'm just sitting here... wishing some things could be taken back, like when you speak before you think or don't speak when you should. Those sorts of situations. And you never know.

Will it be a joke if I say it now? Or will they hold it against me... I'm just... I don't know.

I'm super happy. More happy, more content, just more...

Sarah, I wish I could be more straight forward with you, I wish I could vocalize thoughts and feelings better, and I'm trying, but I'm just not very good at it. I never have words sufficient enough to explain anything... I'm sorry.

I never know what to do though. Never.

Battery is about to die... I'll have to edit and re-put out there later.

Running out on Patience

2006-02-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

Bored, not disappointed. Expected, not irritated.

Why do I feel so alone, so uneasy, so uncertain, so uncontent? I talk with people for hours and it feels like I've accomplished nothing. Do I not place value in other people? I care for others, I take pride in others as much as myself, even boastful of others talents. But I still feel this... this gnawing at my insides for more, like my heart knows that my brain is wasting what time it's been given.

Why is it so difficult for me to explain and moreso for you to accept? Because it isn't what you wish it to be? Everyone says they understand but they are in a different world. Nothing about me can or should be changed, its because of everything that's happened that I turned out this way. Am I ashamed? No, never, and I refuse to be.

Why am I always left wanting after I finish a song, movie, or book?

Was I born in the wrong era that I feel more comfortable with a sword than a cell phone? A rifle rather than technology? A soldier rather than scholar?

Taken for granted. Why don't I yearn for knowledge? Why do I lose enthusiasm, where does the motivation come from?

I am uncertainty. I am irresponsibility. I am uncertainty.

But I am feeling more contented now. I'm not small, I don't understand you, but than again, none of you understand me either. You would be as lost where I have been as I am where you are.

Introvert.

Wishing for what I was, but wanting what I have.

Trying to Reconnect

2006-02-11T01:23:00.000-08:00

Felt good to talk about it with Aaron. The simplicity of the conversation, the texture, the openness of it, the understanding.

All I said was that she was amazing. And he said that it was enough.

That is what I've been missing.

It's 1:35, it's been less than an hour since I've seen you, but I miss you like it's been days. Now I'm going to lose myself in sleep, it's the only way I won't feel it.

Sleep well.

I wish I would have gone on that walk with you...

By any other name...

2006-02-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

Being bored is just that being bored. It's a measure of patience, how enduring can you be before you finally do something about your boredom. In my case the boredom is nothing I can solve, nothing seems to motivate me, play Halo? No thanks. Play a PC Game? Not in the mood. I'm just listening to music, sitting in the darkness, being bored.

I'm waiting of course, for my old man to call me and to give me an idea for an activity. But as he and Craig seem to be taking their sweet time... I'm stuck right here. My cell phone becoming a ball and chain. I can't start any activity cause I have the fear that I won't be able to complete it. That I'll be summoned right when I start to get into it. That's why I'm not in the mood for anything.

I'm alone though, for the first time in what seems like forever. There's no one here. I can't just walk into someone's room and talk because no one is around. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. In some ways I just want to lock my door, flip on all the lights, and play around on my computer for the next 12 hours or until my eyes bleed. But alas, those days are over, at least for a while...

I'm so... confused about tonight what will happen, how will it work...

If my dad wasn't in town I would probably put myself in the driver's seat and go to Sherwood and watch a movie. "By yourself?" You might ask. Of course, I used to do it all the time. Remember I didn't always have someone around to do stuff with... be like getting back to the norm almost hehe.

Well there's the call... and now I have instruction, I'll see you later.

Have a good night.

I'm not ready to move yet...

2006-02-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

3 months left? That's not possible... I've been in Penn for what seems like no time at all. It feels like nothing.

Just talking to Hask and my brother about Penn getting taken out in 5 years or so, and the new dorms going up... I feel a pang of sorrow/sadness and a bit depressed.

I don't want the year to end, this year has been the best year of my life. I'm going to miss it.

Every day is better than the one before it, and its easy to lose track of time, classes, life in general lately.

But I'm pulling it all together, changing my room back kind of gave me a renewed sense of organization. I spent a few hours rearranging files on my computer, organizing everything.

So now I'm sitting in my brother's apartment, listening to the dryer, wishing it would get done so I could get out of here...

I haven't really had a chance to see Sarah today and it's kind of depressing, if I think about it, I was with her more this morning than usual... and it was amazing, its always amazing. And now I just want to be with her and I'm stuck here... but I think I'm gonna take off early.

I'm bored, and depressed. I've been merging images of my high school with Fox lately, almost like I'm overlapping my high school memories with Fox.

Weird...

Doubt... No its Dought... Wait... Dout?

2006-02-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

I don't have any doubt now, no indecision.

So you don't have to worry anymore. (Though I know you will)

I hold stuff back so that when I say it, It'll mean something. Not simply words being thrown out to satisfy you, but words that hold meaning to me, for me.

Now I have a lot of work. Have an amazing day.

Pulling Everything Together...

2006-02-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

I just have to organize myself... something that happens ever few months... I kind of get everything back on track. I organize all the files on my PC and my laptop, organize things in my room, get everything done.

That day kind of feels like today. I'm overcome with this urge to just fix everything.

I choose to blame this "syndrome" on my brother. Friggin perfectionist neat freak...

Alright so... that's what I'm going to do.

Just thought... you know... someone out there might care, or be bored and so checking this for something new.

Other thoughts... Cullen Baker is bad a... and Bohl didn't do his hair today, which is kind of unnerving.

And I really hate Microeconomics because of the professors cultural allusions. Like that? I learned that in Intro to Communications.

And for a sidenote... I had a really really strong urge to Torrent today. I was just sitting at my computer, deleting, uninstalling, organizing... and I really wanted to be downloading... and it makes me sad that I lack the ability here.

But until next time time...

//.3nd 7r4n5m1551on..

I turned off the music

2006-02-06T22:21:00.000-08:00

"At least you know where you stand with people you hate." - Myself.

That is my view of things... maybe thats what was in the back of my mind all those years when I wanted nothing to do with people. When you know someone hates you, you never worry about that person ever again.

When you like someone and they like you back, this unsettling feeling lowers onto your shoulders and you ready yourself, because you know for an absolute fact that any minute now... they'll hate you. And so you prepare yourself for the blow. Never opening up fully because you don't want the attack to hit any of the vitals. I opened up... and at any time I could get knocked down... and not want to get back up.

And now I'm in turmoil. I feel this torrent in me. And I have no idea where I'm gonna get swept to. And I know, even if we were to talk... what would I say. My mind blanks and I forget the matter at hand.

The joke was crude, I understand. But not allowing a chance to explain myself or figure out why a friend would say something that I have no reason to expect isn't fair.

I want to say so much, but it makes me out to sound like it's not my fault, or that it's yours and that's not what I want. It was a misunderstanding.

I can't guess what's going to happen, or the reaction...

The only thing I can work on is prevention I guess in the end.

You can't gauge everyone's reactions the same. So don't try and imagine what another person is thinking, you won't do anything but cause yourself needless worry. Because people can be surprising.

I can't listen to music right now, I shut down my PC, turned off the speakers, and now I guess I just sit, I don't want to be like that.

I see other people and some are affected... others have no idea, its like watching through a window I guess.

This isn't the end... and editing will most likely come, first I need to talk it out.

Define:Culture

2006-02-06T18:26:00.000-08:00

What am I? I'm a geek, a nerd in some cases, but in more general terms just a freak.

Star Wars? Ask me... anything. I can even draw PPC and supply and demand curves for the economy of Star Wars Galaxies... sick? Maybe. But I look at it as a badge. A symbol of who I am... what I stand for.

I am gaming. I am technology, maybe not in full understanding, but complete in usage. Who can out perform me and Andy in any sort of game? No one.

I have more experience with NPC interaction than with real people.

And I regret none of it, its still apart of me. It's a skill set.

And as soon as I have another chance, I'm gonna throw myself headlong right back into it... why? Because I feel comfortable there. It is a society and I am part of it.

Andy taught me endurance, or at least I became more motivated to endure. He taught me about quality...

Andy, you are what kept me from being... the way I was. You saved me man. And I will always be your friend for that.

You gave me your computer for a summer... for a couple years if you think about it. And I can never repay you for that appropriately.

You are one of the defining factors for what I'm gonna call my success in my late teens. If you can look at me as a success.

Blew Up... And Then It Blew Over

2006-02-02T15:15:00.001-08:00

So my car was broken into, the body was dented above the door, the door bent outward, the lock screwed up by someone trying to pound a screwdriver into the keyhole...

And I think, why does this crap happen to me. There are BMW's in the parking lot, there's a WRX one street over. Why try on my Integra?

Douche bags... if I ever were to meet them, there would be no rage involved, simply me judging them. And by judging I mean a sharp object to the temple and then they're in hell.

And I blew up... after more than half a day since I found it, I finally blew up. Not as much as I remember I used to, and I can still control it. It's just a deep burning rage, and I stiff-leggedly walk back towards the building after cussing up a storm to my brother (something I haven't really done in months). I am so angry I can't even focus, my vision is blurred. And then I see you... and you're beautiful.

And my anger drops off for a split-second and I'm just seeing you. And I hear your voice and the moment ends and I feel the anger, but not as intensely as before. I retreat back to my room, tell my roommate to turn on the angriest music he has... and start losing myself in the screaming tornado that is my life.

And then you call... and I hear your voice, and there's no judgement there, just caring. It was like finding the eye of the tornado. It was relief.

And the anger was erased and I suddenly felt ashamed of the emotion that was controlling me. And I realize it's different now... I'm not alone in everything anymore. And so that is how I came to be at my current position.

I'm kind of elated. Yeah it was misfortune... but I guess it needed to happen so I could get over it, teach me how to deal with it.

You can't place value in material things... because they can be stolen, destroyed, or lost. Ironic how Sarah and I had had that very conversation about 6 hours before I found my deck stripped out of the dash.