I can't escape from the music... I can't escape from the music!

So I'm hosting Eric's Myspace background for him. E to the P Music, its really good, his stuff is pretty mellow, it's pretty easy listening. But I'm glad I could help him out if in a pathetically small way.

I have a quiz in every class today. Yippee. I hate life. I don't feel so sick today though so that's a plus. My throat doesn't feel sore anymore. Hopefully I'm fine again in a day or so.

I got an Acura recall on my car that I'm super stoked about. They are going to replace a number of engine components on my Integra because it fell into a certain section of serial numbers. I'm really excited about it. But I'll probably have to wait until this weekend to get in to talk to an Acura dealer. I wish I could fix all the stuff on my car. And I wish I could finally fix it the way I want to. I want to fix is it as follows:

Fix the dent above the windows.
Fix the bowed out door
Replace the stereo
Replace the passenger door lock
Fix the dent next to the antenna
Swap the engine with a B18C (GS-R)
Install a turbo, intercooler, and all that jazz
Upgrade the suspension
Upgrade brake system
Tint windows (Not super dark but to a reasonable degree)
Upgrade the clutch
Volk TE37 Wheels
Toyo tread
Some audio modifications (Speaker, subs, amps and so forth...)

I'm really amped about my car right now... really excited and I don't have the time or the money for it so it really isn't a good thing. Okay well, I'm gonna study for my Macro quiz now... have a good day.

Positively Pessimistic

I have a quiz at 12:40. Chapel is in 30 minutes, but I'm not going. Have to finish my homework and study for the test.

My throat is really sore, the sickness is finally on me.

You don't realize how much your comments cut do you? You don't realize how deep they bite? It's not like I have difficulty remembering what I've done or what I've said, but you make sure I remember. Is that fair? Maybe it's what I deserve. Makes me want to walk away, head hung low, feeling like death.

It just adds to my increasingly ever-present confusion. You mask your emotions as you speak, the tone is so flat, your expression is too. I'm lost.

Happy for the most part.

Not a secret but not freely given...

God, grant me wisdom in what I do, and how I act. Help me to act not in my own interest but for your glory. Guide me Lord, because no plan or arrangement against you can hope to succeed. Give me wisdom, God, give me wisdom.

It's eerie. For the first time I can't talk to anyone. It makes me feel apart from them. For the first time since arriving at Fox I am alone. These people around me, they don't know who I am. They don't know what's happening. They are just faces. No one understands where I am. No one here could understand where I am, because I haven't told them, and maybe not even then. I am so alone. But you know, maybe not with full comprehension because I can't speak. Are you as lost as me? As scared as me? I am so confused I don't know where I'm going, the direction, the speed...

I'm eating with them and they are happy, I know the occassion and I should be happy too, maybe I am happy, but I can't feel the emotion. No emotion, just thought. I see smiles and it registers in my mind why, but I can't figure out how to smile. Please save me.

How did I get to be in this position? I was tired... but I wanted to stay, I didn't want it to end, I never want it to end. I wanted to stay...


I wanted to stay...

... and I'm sorry.

Neutral. Neutral? Screw that... put it in gear.

It seems that lately, I only turn to blogging in cases of emotional extremes (anger, depression, frustration, elation, etc, etc...) so I decided to write a neutral one. No emotional ties or hidden meanings here.

I have a really light load in Bible Survey this week, almost no reading, like 4 or 5 handbook pages a day. Business is business, though I have a midterm for it on Friday. I already got my homework done for Macroeconomics, and so besides chapel I really don't have anything to do today. I have a speech I need to start researching for, but I have 2 weeks yet before it's due so I have some time.

My roommate's sick... but I've been getting enough sleep lately that my immune system is keeping it from me.

And that is about it... life is really good right now. I don't know if it can get any better... more like this is the best it's ever been and I can't imagine the capacity for it being better than it already is.

Anyways, have a good week.

Ambiguous Relating to Situation Blog Title

So I left. To keep from saying something that I'd regret or you would. Though in all fairness it does prove that I don't talk often for a reason.

What I was meaning was far from what you understood, you are making me seem like an incredibly forward jerkoff. That is not the way I am, and that's the way it sounds. I'm the one that caused everything, everything is my fault. Who's there to defend me? No one.

That is what bothers me. And this makes me second guess myself, my intentions, my feelings... that is completely wrong.

I can't talk off-hand and I can't be blunt, look what happens... What do you want from me? You say you want one thing but you can't deal with the results. Where does that leave me, utterly confused, and usually, at the end of the night before I close my eyes, I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person.

This is how I get out what I'm thinking, I type faster than I think and I'll probably regret everything in the morning, but right now this is what's running through my head.

Alone

No one to talk to. No one to understand. Surrounded by pitch black. Blink... blink... blink... The cursor doesn't change, it's steady, like a flashing light at the end of a tunnel that doesn't seem to end. It mocks me, mocks my thoughts. But at the same time it gives me something to focus on. A goal. I'm typing as fast as I can to catch it but never overtake it. And I never reach the end of the tunnel...

I'm alone... no one is around.

Prophetic Perspective

Beebe Brethren... I dunno.

I don't plan for the future ever. I don't know whats going to happen.

I'm stuck between how ridiculously slow Fox internet is...

I just kinda wish this year would never end... I like how the living situation is right now, but at the same time I wish I could fast forward and already have this figured out... I really don't want to live off campus.

Tuesday the 14th...

So... the earth is round?

Crazy...

I'm just sitting here... wishing some things could be taken back, like when you speak before you think or don't speak when you should. Those sorts of situations. And you never know.

Will it be a joke if I say it now? Or will they hold it against me... I'm just... I don't know.

I'm super happy. More happy, more content, just more...

Sarah, I wish I could be more straight forward with you, I wish I could vocalize thoughts and feelings better, and I'm trying, but I'm just not very good at it. I never have words sufficient enough to explain anything... I'm sorry.

I never know what to do though. Never.


Battery is about to die... I'll have to edit and re-put out there later.

Running out on Patience

Bored, not disappointed. Expected, not irritated.

Why do I feel so alone, so uneasy, so uncertain, so uncontent? I talk with people for hours and it feels like I've accomplished nothing. Do I not place value in other people? I care for others, I take pride in others as much as myself, even boastful of others talents. But I still feel this... this gnawing at my insides for more, like my heart knows that my brain is wasting what time it's been given.

Why is it so difficult for me to explain and moreso for you to accept? Because it isn't what you wish it to be? Everyone says they understand but they are in a different world. Nothing about me can or should be changed, its because of everything that's happened that I turned out this way. Am I ashamed? No, never, and I refuse to be.

Why am I always left wanting after I finish a song, movie, or book?

Was I born in the wrong era that I feel more comfortable with a sword than a cell phone? A rifle rather than technology? A soldier rather than scholar?

Taken for granted. Why don't I yearn for knowledge? Why do I lose enthusiasm, where does the motivation come from?

I am uncertainty. I am irresponsibility. I am uncertainty.

But I am feeling more contented now. I'm not small, I don't understand you, but than again, none of you understand me either. You would be as lost where I have been as I am where you are.

Introvert.

Wishing for what I was, but wanting what I have.

Trying to Reconnect

Felt good to talk about it with Aaron. The simplicity of the conversation, the texture, the openness of it, the understanding.

All I said was that she was amazing. And he said that it was enough.

That is what I've been missing.


It's 1:35, it's been less than an hour since I've seen you, but I miss you like it's been days. Now I'm going to lose myself in sleep, it's the only way I won't feel it.

Sleep well.

I wish I would have gone on that walk with you...

By any other name...

Being bored is just that being bored. It's a measure of patience, how enduring can you be before you finally do something about your boredom. In my case the boredom is nothing I can solve, nothing seems to motivate me, play Halo? No thanks. Play a PC Game? Not in the mood. I'm just listening to music, sitting in the darkness, being bored.

I'm waiting of course, for my old man to call me and to give me an idea for an activity. But as he and Craig seem to be taking their sweet time... I'm stuck right here. My cell phone becoming a ball and chain. I can't start any activity cause I have the fear that I won't be able to complete it. That I'll be summoned right when I start to get into it. That's why I'm not in the mood for anything.

I'm alone though, for the first time in what seems like forever. There's no one here. I can't just walk into someone's room and talk because no one is around. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. In some ways I just want to lock my door, flip on all the lights, and play around on my computer for the next 12 hours or until my eyes bleed. But alas, those days are over, at least for a while...

I'm so... confused about tonight what will happen, how will it work...

If my dad wasn't in town I would probably put myself in the driver's seat and go to Sherwood and watch a movie. "By yourself?" You might ask. Of course, I used to do it all the time. Remember I didn't always have someone around to do stuff with... be like getting back to the norm almost hehe.

Well there's the call... and now I have instruction, I'll see you later.

Have a good night.

I'm not ready to move yet...

3 months left? That's not possible... I've been in Penn for what seems like no time at all. It feels like nothing.

Just talking to Hask and my brother about Penn getting taken out in 5 years or so, and the new dorms going up... I feel a pang of sorrow/sadness and a bit depressed.

I don't want the year to end, this year has been the best year of my life. I'm going to miss it.

Every day is better than the one before it, and its easy to lose track of time, classes, life in general lately.

But I'm pulling it all together, changing my room back kind of gave me a renewed sense of organization. I spent a few hours rearranging files on my computer, organizing everything.

So now I'm sitting in my brother's apartment, listening to the dryer, wishing it would get done so I could get out of here...

I haven't really had a chance to see Sarah today and it's kind of depressing, if I think about it, I was with her more this morning than usual... and it was amazing, its always amazing. And now I just want to be with her and I'm stuck here... but I think I'm gonna take off early.

I'm bored, and depressed. I've been merging images of my high school with Fox lately, almost like I'm overlapping my high school memories with Fox.

Weird...

Doubt... No its Dought... Wait... Dout?

I don't have any doubt now, no indecision.

So you don't have to worry anymore. (Though I know you will)

I hold stuff back so that when I say it, It'll mean something. Not simply words being thrown out to satisfy you, but words that hold meaning to me, for me.

Now I have a lot of work. Have an amazing day.

Pulling Everything Together...

I just have to organize myself... something that happens ever few months... I kind of get everything back on track. I organize all the files on my PC and my laptop, organize things in my room, get everything done.

That day kind of feels like today. I'm overcome with this urge to just fix everything.

I choose to blame this "syndrome" on my brother. Friggin perfectionist neat freak...

Alright so... that's what I'm going to do.

Just thought... you know... someone out there might care, or be bored and so checking this for something new.

Other thoughts... Cullen Baker is bad a... and Bohl didn't do his hair today, which is kind of unnerving.

And I really hate Microeconomics because of the professors cultural allusions. Like that? I learned that in Intro to Communications.

And for a sidenote... I had a really really strong urge to Torrent today. I was just sitting at my computer, deleting, uninstalling, organizing... and I really wanted to be downloading... and it makes me sad that I lack the ability here.

But until next time time...

//.3nd 7r4n5m1551on..

I turned off the music

"At least you know where you stand with people you hate." - Myself.

That is my view of things... maybe thats what was in the back of my mind all those years when I wanted nothing to do with people. When you know someone hates you, you never worry about that person ever again.

When you like someone and they like you back, this unsettling feeling lowers onto your shoulders and you ready yourself, because you know for an absolute fact that any minute now... they'll hate you. And so you prepare yourself for the blow. Never opening up fully because you don't want the attack to hit any of the vitals. I opened up... and at any time I could get knocked down... and not want to get back up.

And now I'm in turmoil. I feel this torrent in me. And I have no idea where I'm gonna get swept to. And I know, even if we were to talk... what would I say. My mind blanks and I forget the matter at hand.

The joke was crude, I understand. But not allowing a chance to explain myself or figure out why a friend would say something that I have no reason to expect isn't fair.

I want to say so much, but it makes me out to sound like it's not my fault, or that it's yours and that's not what I want. It was a misunderstanding.

I can't guess what's going to happen, or the reaction...

The only thing I can work on is prevention I guess in the end.

You can't gauge everyone's reactions the same. So don't try and imagine what another person is thinking, you won't do anything but cause yourself needless worry. Because people can be surprising.

I can't listen to music right now, I shut down my PC, turned off the speakers, and now I guess I just sit, I don't want to be like that.

I see other people and some are affected... others have no idea, its like watching through a window I guess.


This isn't the end... and editing will most likely come, first I need to talk it out.

Define:Culture

What am I? I'm a geek, a nerd in some cases, but in more general terms just a freak.

Star Wars? Ask me... anything. I can even draw PPC and supply and demand curves for the economy of Star Wars Galaxies... sick? Maybe. But I look at it as a badge. A symbol of who I am... what I stand for.

I am gaming. I am technology, maybe not in full understanding, but complete in usage. Who can out perform me and Andy in any sort of game? No one.

I have more experience with NPC interaction than with real people.

And I regret none of it, its still apart of me. It's a skill set.

And as soon as I have another chance, I'm gonna throw myself headlong right back into it... why? Because I feel comfortable there. It is a society and I am part of it.

Andy taught me endurance, or at least I became more motivated to endure. He taught me about quality...

Andy, you are what kept me from being... the way I was. You saved me man. And I will always be your friend for that.

You gave me your computer for a summer... for a couple years if you think about it. And I can never repay you for that appropriately.

You are one of the defining factors for what I'm gonna call my success in my late teens. If you can look at me as a success.

Blew Up... And Then It Blew Over

So my car was broken into, the body was dented above the door, the door bent outward, the lock screwed up by someone trying to pound a screwdriver into the keyhole...

And I think, why does this crap happen to me. There are BMW's in the parking lot, there's a WRX one street over. Why try on my Integra?

Douche bags... if I ever were to meet them, there would be no rage involved, simply me judging them. And by judging I mean a sharp object to the temple and then they're in hell.

And I blew up... after more than half a day since I found it, I finally blew up. Not as much as I remember I used to, and I can still control it. It's just a deep burning rage, and I stiff-leggedly walk back towards the building after cussing up a storm to my brother (something I haven't really done in months). I am so angry I can't even focus, my vision is blurred. And then I see you... and you're beautiful.

And my anger drops off for a split-second and I'm just seeing you. And I hear your voice and the moment ends and I feel the anger, but not as intensely as before. I retreat back to my room, tell my roommate to turn on the angriest music he has... and start losing myself in the screaming tornado that is my life.

And then you call... and I hear your voice, and there's no judgement there, just caring. It was like finding the eye of the tornado. It was relief.

And the anger was erased and I suddenly felt ashamed of the emotion that was controlling me. And I realize it's different now... I'm not alone in everything anymore. And so that is how I came to be at my current position.

I'm kind of elated. Yeah it was misfortune... but I guess it needed to happen so I could get over it, teach me how to deal with it.

You can't place value in material things... because they can be stolen, destroyed, or lost. Ironic how Sarah and I had had that very conversation about 6 hours before I found my deck stripped out of the dash.

Certainty in Uncertainty

You want to know why God doesn't grant wisdom as often as he used to? Solomon put a bad taste in his mouth, that's why.

I think I have the answers I was looking for... maybe not even what I was expecting them to be... and maybe they aren't the ones you are looking for...

So anyways, I hate life on Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday nights... Have to get up at a friggin early time the next morning... it just sucks...

I'm sitting in my room... bored... really friggin bored...

Wow... my life's changed. If I could talk to myself from a year ago, would I listen to myself? Or would I do what I did to everyone else... and blow myself off?

Definition

How do I define something that seems so abstract to me?

How do I explain something that doesn't even make sense to me? It's just a massive tangle of emotions and feelings all pointing me down the same path.

There are plenty of reasons why... but every time I am about to say anything, my throat siezes up, my mouth goes dry, and I'm left without words. So in the end what happens? Silence.

I'm excited and at the same time frightened... you think that you are at more of a risk than me? I have invested more in you than any other person I have ever known.

Everytime I'm with you, every single time, means its going to be that much harder if it ends. And I don't ever want it to end.

I've never had the "Sarah Complex" where I forget you 5 minutes after we stop talking... I'm in a constant state of panic-mixed-with-joy from the moment I wake up til the moment I lose myself in sleep.

There's so much I mean to say, wish I could get out, to put you at ease, to end your suffering... but in the end it's always the same.

Silence.

And I'm sorry, more sorry than I have ever been. I hope I can find the words soon.

Nothing Knew... Know That's Knot Write...

So... it's been awhile, days... but it feels like weeks. Funny how one event can change so much so quickly.

Let me just say this week has been the best week I can remember... Even getting my Integra last summer gets blown away. I'm at a loss for words to describe everything.


Even if you don't agree, that's okay.


I've done more thinking this week, more praying, spent more time in silence, then I can ever remember before in my life...

I've never been so confused in all of my life, I never have any idea what's going on, but I like it. I'm so lost all the time...

I wake up afraid that you're going to realize that you've been wrong and that you hate me. You're afraid of me hurting you... Why? I'm not intimidating or frightening... I'm just... me.

I've never been very complex, and I think you know me alot better than you think.

Why do you constantly need me to reassure you? No matter how many times I tell you, you always ask again... and for some reason it's never annoying, it's cute. I like being able to reassure you.

I can't explain or describe anything

How Did I Survive This Long...

Honestly... how can I even be alive and so stupid. Why do I always manage to screw stuff up. Everything...

I can't ever have anything good... cause God hates me. Otherwise I'd be more wise in what I say, what I do. I pray now... All the time, I'm constantly praying... in my head when not out loud.

Maybe God is helping me... but I'm such a colossal failure not even he has enough power to keep me from messing up.

Discouraging...

I just need to relax... the music is angry but it does the opposite for me... it kind of sucks the anger out of me...

I wish I could sleep, but I have homework to be doing. Homework that I won't do even if I don't sleep.

Can't Even Think of a Title...

I can't think of the right words to correctly explain how happy today has been...

None.

I have words but they sound plain, they wouldn't do the day any justice in description. Today was amazing.

Yesterday was cool, last night was hard and required more courage than I thought I possessed... but today was amazing. It's better. I feel better, happier, like I can't even explain any of this...

It's like I can't even wait for the next day to start so it could just keep going.

Noncommital and Unwilling to Let Go

I'm never sure of anything. Myself, others, random meaningless little decisions. Indecision is me. Lately I've been ruled by these feelings that have always felt foreign. I've always been pretty confident because I knew what I was, what I was capable of, and I thought I knew how my life would end up.

How do I feel? That question has been coming up alot lately. I've always been a thinker not a feeler. I tried to make everything logical... whenever the question comes up I run through my thoughts, whats happened to me recently, what could be leading to my feeling and my response begins, "I think it's because..." But how do I know that, I could just be making excuses to skate away from the truth.

Why am I trying to act like my emotion has any sort of logic?

I feel illogical.

I feel nervous, anxious, unsteady, unsure, kind of like falling down a pit and you never know when the bottom might suddenly appear and you could die.

When I experience emotion I embrace it, like at any point my life may end and I want to know I lived the human experience to the fullest. I let it consume me entirely until I don't exist and only the emotion remains. I lose myself in the torrent of rage, depression, and happiness... It's like I'm treading water in the center of a hurricane.

And you are the one that alters it. So in the end, my decisions don't matter, yours do. Choose carefully. I'll be with you no matter what you decide.

Acquaintance Application Form #33b-8

So... I've never had really close friends before. There's a reason, a good one I always thought. Mostly to keep from getting hurt.

When I talk to my friends about other people usually they talk about the people that annoy them, people who think they are friends with my friends, but who my friend hates with a passion they aren't aware of. An example:

Friend #1 is my friend. Friend #1 tells me about how much he can't stand Friend #2, but Friend #2 doesn't know that Friend #1 hates him. And in conversation and in person Friend #1 and Friend #2 seem perfectly fine. And because of the fact that Friend #1 seems to still like him, Friend #2 hangs around all the time, the whole time unaware of how much Friend #1 wishes he would disappear.


I'm always afraid that the way people casually talk about disliking another person, that they might talk the same way about me to another friend of theirs. Paranoia on my part no doubt. But because of that I'm never really close to anyone and I also kind of hate people for it. And I realize I'm guilty of the same crime myself, and I'm saying in no way is it someone else's fault. I suppose I just need constant reaffirmation of my status with the other person.

And before I was unwilling to wait patiently for that confirmation or didn't care. (Namely how even if Andy hated me I'd still show up at his house like clockwork if I was back in Idaho)

But I suppose for the sake of liking the friends I have now... I'm in a constant state of worry over if they like me or not. If I say this will they reject me? If I do this will they look at me differently?

I just need to breathe and take it easy. I suppose if someone didn't like me they'd certainly tell me, especially if I irritated them to the point of hating me. So thats what I bank on. The other person's honesty towards me... is it misplaced? Maybe, but don't expect to ditch me so easy either, I'll probably just avoid you for a couple days and let you cool down... then be all over you like a cheap suit all over again.

I guess you'll just have to learn how to cope... it builds character and it helps for the next time someone annoys you. You'll be able to keep your emotions in check for longer the next time it happens.

Weak with Boredom

30 minutes to go... the slow drawl of the prof's voice is lulling me to sleep.

I just decided to write this really fast because I just had a rage episode for no reason. It's so retarded... What's the point of freaking out like that. It's ridiculous and childish the way whenever I pass another person when I'm walking to class I tense up and expect to get hit from behind...

Who thinks that like?! Honestly... I'm losing my mind. I've even started day dreaming in classes about getting into fights... Maybe its the lack of any sort of conflict lately, I haven't been a jerk needlessly (well, compared to my previous record) for so long. I've been trying to be a good person, but its hard for me. Maybe its hard for everyone, I don't know I haven't asked anyone.

I'm so different from the way I was on the outside, but I'm still the same as I was on the in. No matter what I let out of my mouth, the initial reaction, my instinctual reaction of pure asshole-ness is always right there at the back of my mind, ready to be spat out. But I hold it in. Advancement maybe, adaptation. I'm only truthful to a handful of people, incredibly so to fewer people.

People are starting to grate on my nerves, nearly everyone, I only enjoy hanging around with a handful of people, and with those people I could probably hang around with them for days on end without a complaint from me. But as I've said before, no matter how much you wish you could live in the moment forever, its not possible. Just one more way God spites me.

I'm bored, angry, tired, frustrated, but I'm happy at the end of the day. My evenings are always what redeems me from the depths of the hell in my mind. They give me hope, happiness, a renewed love for people around me.

And so... after 25 minutes of writing, erasing, rewriting, deleting, rewriting, and editing I managed to make it down to 5 minutes left of class. And pass by the hardest, slowest moving time of the class by talking to you. Thank you.

Clinging to a dying thought...

I hate trying to bring back past conversations... whether they were unfinished or not. Makes me feel like I'm pushing the other person, or I think that they think I'm obsessing about something because I keep coming back to something over and over.

Most times I just let it go thinking, Hey if it's important at some point the conversation will start up again on its own.

So I don't bring it back.

This happens more times than I care to remember... does the conversation ever reoccur naturally? Rarely, if ever. So basically I have these nagging questions in the back of my brain... questions I'm not comfortable asking, or that I'm not sure of the other person's reaction so I just keep them to myself.

Maybe I stagger things in my mind so I feel more like an idiot than I appear. But as I think about what I've said or done during the day, right before I sleep, I always feel like a moron, all the stupid crap I did and regret doing... all of the stuff I regret not saying to someone for fear of how it will be accepted. I wish I wasn't such a coward sometimes.

I need sleep, only a few hours til my class in the morning...

Friggin Dead

"You can't treat everything like a life or death situation, cause you'll die a alot of times."
- Van Wilder

You have to think of that and smile, cause we do stupid things all the time, if you ever take one of them to heart, its not going to do anything but hurt you. You can't die of embarrassment, and people don't usually remember stupid little things, you just think they do.

I get nervous because of girls, classes, adults, just about anything... you can't avoid it. You just have to deal and move on.

The moment you start caring thats when you get screwed. So I continue, not caring, constant motion... using music to confirm feelings.

Taking a Break Against My Will...

So anyways, I've been writing this entry for 30 minutes, it was long, angry, and basically had I not just started over right here, I would have said 2 or 3 dozen things I would regret.

I'm just sort of frustrated right now, and everything is losing its luster for me. Stayed up talking with Amy and Lesley until after 5 this morning.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm tired of being put in the tool box.

Hask, sorry I've been a tool, I've been thinking irrationally as hell. You try to help me and I reject advice off hand.

Leap Day and Miserable Night

I no longer have the ability, or capacity rather, to pay attention or learn anything in class. I appear to pay attention, to listen to what they say and I am, I understand everything but comprehend nothing.

It makes classes miserable, I sit down in class, and fix an intense hawk-like stare at the minute hand on the clock, I hear every second tick.

I wait, for the class to end, unaware of anything that just happened, oblivious to homework or assignments, I just want to be out. I want to run. I'm a flighty person. Every day of my high school life I wanted to turn my car onto that freeway and drive, not caring about destination, just drive until I ran out of gas and money and that's where I would settle down.

The future is something that is impossible to plan for.

I'm down, melancholy...

Stuff in my life is different than how I want it, but I'm not brave enough... I lack the guts, courage, sand, whatever you want to call it, to rearrange it.
Because if I do even one thing wrong it blows up in my face... I'd almost rather leave it the way it is then what might happen, there's a million different ways it could end, but only 2 in my mind. And one of them would kill me (in a figurative sense).

So my life stays as it always has... a rowboat going over a waterfall. The rush is amazing though.

Maybe someday I'll wake up, feel refreshed and amazing, grab life by the throat with both hands and... everything will work out in the end.

Need to get ready for Comm now... Thanks for listening to me ramble, always helps to get my feelings out to some degree even if I've already shared the particular thought or feeling a hundred times before, it always helps.

Awkward and Dying for Sleep

What do you say? What do they say?

I hate the awkwardness, I want to fall asleep because when I'm asleep I don't think about it. You can't mess anything up if you're always asleep, unless its attendance.

Given the chance, and the right mindset, I'll screw over everything around me in a matter of minutes. But I keep trying to not screw up, try not to fail. I wish it was easy, but maybe if it was I wouldn't care about it, wouldn't want it, wouldn't appreciate it as much as it deserves.

But I can't sleep through it when I can't sleep. I go over everything in my mind, like looping a video over and over again. But I want it, every agonizing moment of it, because it's amazing. Amazing that for once I care about something.

I have changed, of that there is no doubt. No doubt in my mind or the people around me. Am I glad of the change? I don't know... we'll see.

depression...

Semester 2 Startup

Classes went good today, talked to Dirk Barram about switching majors, Have Vlad and Alex in 2 of my 3 M-W-F classes... but then I'm alone in Bible Survey, which is as boring as watching a stream of molasses ooze down a 15 degree incline....


Food is as terrible as I remember, it was nice sleeping in my bed again though. Hanging around with Big Dan, Sarah, Haskell, Bohl, and all the other Penn guys is always awesome.

Its amazing the clarity of vision when I wear my classes, its like looking at people through a blurred window... I have to recognize everyone all over again.

Everything feels so natural its like I never left at all. Like the last 3 weeks never happened, and I know that alot of people, myself included, wished that it didn't, in a way... I love being here, hate going to school here.

Went sprinting off across the grass covered my entire back with mud that kicked up offa my feet... soaked my white friggin Etnies in mud... but washed em pretty good I think... I trash my Etnies so fast.

Just means I'll have to do laundry a bit sooner than I thought. Need to get my books soon, just hate to see the money leave.

Well... Just gotta take it as it comes I suppose.

2 more classes tomorrow...


I just wish you could pause and live in the moment for a while...

Woke up at 7:31 this morning.

Rough and Ready You Son of a !@#$%

Anyways... I need... sleep... I owe Fox $560 bucks.. friggin lame... Feeling good though, way more happy than in recent memory, just happy for some reason. Good music, good mood, good food, good drink... I'm set...

And then in 24 hours I'll be in my room... surrounded in an aura of my awesomeness. Carrying around my little Bohl just like before the evil break from hell. Dan'll be back, everyone but that traitorous Ukrainian... but he'll get his...

I can't wait to be back in my own bed... my memory foam... hahaha...

Something else, I quit doing the "...." for a long time, but then I fazed back in, I don't even know why i started that in the first place. Its supposed to signify hesitation, but who thinks that when i use it like 5 times in a sentence.

I guess I'll talk to all of you tomorrow back in Penn.

Reap It

Battle Cry of "Back To The Dorms!"

I go back tomorrow and I got only one word to describe the feeling: Finally.

Been living with other people since I left, lived at my parents house, then at my brother apartment, now I get to return to my cell. Love it though I might, its still a cell. No use trying to dress it up with names that don't fit.

Back to friggin normal life, normal hassels, to the routine that I hate with ever fiber of my being but which is so much a part of me that without it I feel lost. How does society expect me to go from 16 years of classes everyday on a regular basis to nothing... to no rules... I'll lose my mind, society hasn't taught me to cope. So when the change comes I don't know what to do and turn instinctive, rage... rage turns into hatred, hatred to sullenness, and then to isolation.

That book got me to thinking... not good thoughts, kind of dissapointing things. Depressing.

Time to recede back into my thoughts.

Contemplation on Completion

I borrowed a book from Haskell last night and I do what I always do... devour it as fast as I can. So anyways... it was really good, more of a thought provoking read than I usually choose myself, but it was good. And now I have that "it's over" depression that I always get when I finish something... kind of like when you have a friend for years and then you turn your back and walk away. That's how it always goes, tv series, books, in some cases music. I'm left wanting, wanting to know what happened, if anything happened after.

And so sleep ensued, wrapping the young man in illusion, taking him to a place that he found safety, comfort, he felt home and more. But also a place that could convey the most frightening images imaginable... because it could read what he feared most and show him as reality. But he was brave and laid himself down, closed his eyes, feeling concealed in darkness, and relieved for his journey, the journey of life, of one more day of that life lived as best he knew how, over.

Like Everything Is In Balance

I feel good, first time in a couple weeks, I just feel amazing. I'm in a good mood, I haven't had any muscle pain or stiffness today, I'm perfect.

My last few posts haven't been that cheerful I realize, but like all things feelings pass.

So thats the way this post is gonna end, me feeling good. Good food cooking, good day passed and good evening coming on, I'm good and happy at the moment.

Happy Birthday Haskell. Them teen years are behind you now. No more of this uncertainty. Pick a path and run head long as fast as you can.

Depressed, listening to depressing music, avoiding people

Samson and Delilah... a biblical example of girls screwing over guys.

SlowTEC suffered because of Michelle just like I did. I don't understand how something pure and good like love can go so far amiss and turn into the must hurtful, seemingly evil thing ever devised.

As hard as I try... and believe me I do, it never works, and to plan for the future is like jinxing everything because it probably won't lead to anything even if something does happen.

But no matter how much the last time hurt, you can't stop. You can never stop, stopping is failure, its saying you aren't worth being loved or loving someone else.

And this is why we press on. This is why we try failure after failure, for the hope that just once, the scales get tipped in our favor by the big man upstairs.

The only other thought I have on the subject is that you should find a really hot girl, get her really drunk, and get her pregnant on the first try so she is stuck with you.

block

i do not really have anything to say i figure its been two days i should prolly put something alot of stuff has happened but i really do not know what to say or how to say it i went to omsi today and it was amazing it would take too much to describe so if you have been to omsi well you know otherwise you will just have to go and experience it for yourself i read part of one of my louis l'amours today and i am planning on reading more before sleep takes me i watched a movie with drew cary and kaylin then got home was really comfortable settling in feeling fulfilled i suppose for the first time in a long time when i get a phone call from lesley and she wants me to watch a movie at jana's with her amy alex aaron and some of her friends from high school i wasn't really into it but i figure why not i spent an entire semester going against everything i had known and socialized with people so i went and it was fun even though i may not have wanted to go and was irritated at the suggestion for some reason i am glad i did i am just really tired of everything all of a sudden and i cannot explain the feeling or the reason i just do not want to do anything i am stuck between what feels like obligations but i know that they are not i feel at a loss to describe things why i do things why i think the way i do like why did i just waste the effort the fuel to peel out through two gears in the penn parking lot did i have anything to prove no but why i cannot explain is a mystery too i think its mostly seeing people from penn again maybe makes me hesitant and i cannot explain why that would be so or even why that thought came into my head i have done alot of thinking about the future lately more so than probably a person my age ought to almost to the point where i quit living in the present which is never something a person should do i have dreams but do not remember them anymore nightmare or not the details are an immediate blur when i wake up living only a feeling when i woke up this morning i felt horrible like a pit of your stomach turns to lead horrible and i could not explain it and so this is how this will end with that kind of feeling the horrible insides turning to lead feeling

Shifting Passion into High Gear

Messing around with that Si last night has me so enthusiastic about cars again.

For the last couple months I've been getting out of the car craze, yeah they are nice to have to get you places but I was slowly growing out of the fast car dream...

But now it's back.

I wanna go blow all the money I have left on that car, make it faster. I didn't even race that kid in the Civic we were just playing cat-and-mouse/getaway from stop-light to stop-light on Murray. I had good music, NoTEC performed well, and I just had fun.

I think I'm gonna go get him washed and waxed today just as a reward.

Well, I guess all this planning for the car's future does give me something to do while everyone else is out doing stuff, Sarah's working, Vlad's working, who knows what Haskell and Eric are doing...

The speed was fantastic. I haven't driven like that since I got to Portland.

First things first... NoTEC needs a suspension tweak.

In other news... I just watched Grizzly Man... that guy was flippin insane. He was so off I couldn't even handle it.

I've had several things running through my mind lately, but I think we can let em wait for later date, eh?

Gonna go shower now... then... who knows... go crazy and black out

Time to Jazz Things Up a Bit, Eh?

First full day back in Oregon. Brother woke me up before 11... wouldn't let me go back to sleep. I got up, showered, and went to the Lucky F for some Chinese food. Something about Chinese food, for me Chinese food holds a feeling of laid-back movie-like nostalgia. It has a feeling that gives you well being...

Anyways, so I talked with Haskell a bit, went with my brother to Powell's books in Beaverton... got myself a few Louis L'Amour's to read. Setting myself up so I won't rot of boredom in the last few days of break.

After I got back from Powell's I talked to Haskell again. He asked me to go with him to Jimmy Mak's, since I'd never been I figured what the heck. And it was good, I really liked it. The music was good, different but good. Then afterwords Haskell took me to the Powell's in Portland... that place is enormous. It'd be sweet if I could stop time, sit down and just read books forever. That's one thing I regret, as a child, I should have spent more time reading books, I had the time and no responsibilities.

Then drove back to Haskell's Grandparents, he grabbed Hannah's car, and followed me back to Newberg to pick up Carey... had an interesting ride back though, took way less time, messed around with a kid with a Civic Si. The 96-98 model too... nice car. Needless to say it was stupid and incredibly bold of me, we hit speeds of better than 100 mph on NW Murray...

We got back to Newberg, stopped by Shari's had some hot chocolate and waited for Carey to show up.

Then I got back into my car and drove back to my brother's apartment.

So here I sit. The credits roll on The Ghost and the Darkness... and I am happy. I've been in a great mood since last night.

Until later my brethren, remember:

Life is no girls and broken cars. - Andrew Roache

This is my new motto for life.

After the fall...

Back in Oregon.

Boredom... for the first time since in a couple months I'm gonna watch some anime tonight and for the next few days. Got Chrno Crusade and Full Metal Panic!: The Second Raid, so now I have something to occupy my time, along with re-watching the Firefly series.

Somebody... come rescue me from boredom... if you try to IM me and I don't respond... I'm probably watching something on my laptop.

Sitting in my brother's apartment watching Batman Begins

My cellphone is on... you can always get me that way if its an emergency.

Setting yourself up for failure...

Driving so fast the world is starting to blur, so late that there isn't a single pair of headlights in sight, music so loud that you're incapable of thought, the feel of the steering wheel getting more loose as you accelerate, the joy of realizing the pedal isn't to the floor yet, the tightness of your grip on the shift knob, your head glued to the headrest, the radar detector blaring, the fear of police....

perfect euphoric bliss

the ignition is like birth, acceleration like coming up for air.

I want to share it with you... with all of you... to have you see and feel what I do, that is when you would understand me.

Going 110 down the freeway at 3 in the morning, losing traction as you hit patches of black ice... at the time you are filled with this urge to go faster and faster, you feel invincible at that speed... but looking back... a time when I wasn't anything like I am now... I shudder and think what might have happened... crash... death... hell.

But I made it through, I survived my early teens, I have changed, adapted to new surroundings and social structure as best as I know how... but the old me is still there, with all the anger and rage that he had when I left him behind. And everytime I get angry he takes control, refusing to listen to reason and refusing to accept help from anyone. Like a blind rattler... he just strikes at anything, no warning, just action.

The longer I'm in this place the quicker the rage is at assuming control...

SlowTEC saved me from the rage. I miss him. Every road here holds a memory of an ignorant high schooler, red-limiting his red Honda, the V-TEC screaming as he drove faster. That was me.

Now its over.

All Day Long

Today was just a friggin blur of rage and sorrow... but as always the end is always calm and what happened before, all the emotion, seems like a dream...

Soon I can return to Oregon, this place was entertainnig for a week or so.. but now I'm ready to return... and so return I shall, after the 1st.

Gonna sleep now... wake up and watch something... maybe a western...

Sleeping through...

Meant to come home at Midnight last night... but about 11:30 passed out on my friends couch, woke up like 6 hours later to see him still awake playing UT... So after a bit I drove on home

Now I'm considering going to sleep again, its only 7:30 after all.

Sorry I ain't been online much of the time.. I'm always at my friend's apartment and then I get home late if ever. Best time to catch me... prolly 2-4 am Idaho time.

So now I'm going to watch a movie or something, haven't worked my way through all of the ones I got for Christmas yet...

"Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal... And A Happy New Year"

All I want for Christmas is...

Christmas was friggin wicked this year... got everything I asked for. I didn't ask for anything huge, so I didn't think that would be a problem. Mine weren't huge like the $400 digital camera my brother got.

My family has traditionally, since before I can remember, opened an early present the day before Christmas Eve. So this year on Friday I got the Widescreen Original Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. Now I have the VHS and the DVD versions.

My family opens all the rest of the presents on Christmas Eve, then on Christmas morning we get Santa gifts and what not. So here's what I got:

- Firefly Series on DVD
- Sky High (DVD)
- Batman Begins (DVD)
- Star Wars shirt
- Another friggin Gnome shirt (its turned into a trend for me to get shirts with gnomes)
- PJs
- Set of Nice Clothes
- Star Wars Trivial Pursuit DVD Edition (I owned my mom at it last night)
- Millenium Falcon Lego Set (Which I'm still in the process of building the instruction book is a friggin 100 page manual)
- A lot of socks
- Star Wars Battlefront II
- McLintock (DVD)
- 20 Questions game (that thing is Satan, Haskell)
- Big Jake (DVD)
- Blue Steel / Hell Town (DVD)
- UNDERWORLD (DVD) (Already watched it twice since yesterday morning)
- New Cologne
- The Hulk (DVD)
- Hackers (DVD) (The most amazingly cheesy hacker movie ever)
- Appleseed (DVD)

and a few other bits and bobs...

Making this my most enjoyable Christmas I can remember...

I got a full nights sleep the other night... ever since my nightmare I've been only getting 1 or 2 a night, I stay up as late as I can and when I sleep I'm too tired to dream... but last night I slept for 7 hours of dreamless bliss. I feel alot better.

Well, ya... I get my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow.

I have to go and pick up my friend Nick from the airport in Boise tonight at 11:30... but for now I'm gonna watch the Hulk and slip into some comic-book fantasy/sci-fi wonderful-ness.. and what not

The Endless Night in Retrospect... and then the following day until about 30 minutes ago.

Ok so anyways...

I was hanging out at my friend Andy's apartment, his brother, Nick, was takin off to California on a plane that left for Boise at 6... so he wanted to be there at 4 to make sure getting through security and everything went smooth. Well he left at 2 in the morning because it takes 2 hours to get to Boise and about 2:20 he calls Andy and tells us that his car quit on him. And so it begins...

I, at the time of the phone call, was now an hour gone immersed in World of Warcraft and was settling in for a long night of repetitive senseless killing with my newly created Tauren Warrior. But out of the goodness of my heart I gave up my night of well-deserved gaming goodness to help out a friend in need and picked up Nicklaus from the side of the freeway. I was thinking 2:40 in the morning, no cops I can get him there in good time... I was wrong.

At the first Bliss exit, while traveling 85, my car started slowly sliding sideways... I easily and quickly corrected due to my vast knowledge and unmatched experience in any situation with an automobile. Shortly after slowing down to the speed limit because of the lubricious road, fog started in. Not "cool things look kinda hazy" fog, but thick, "I can hardly see the lines on the road "fog, the "I'm gonna miss a turn and kill us all" kind of fog.

So after expertly navigating my vehicle through the fog, it cleared up. Leaving me a straight shot from Mountain Home to Boise, which I covered quickly and without incident. I dropped Nick off at the airport, switched out driving with Andy and we sped once more toward home.

The road was slicker on the way back.

We finally pulled into my drive way at 7 in the morning, I ran in and grabbed my phone charger, got back into the car and drove back to Andy's apartment and salvaged what was left of the dark hours of day playing WoW until 10 this morning. I drove home, showered, and slept.

I then returned to Andy's apartment this evening at 7 and played until about 30 minutes ago.

My Tauren Warrior is level 13 and very bad a.

I opened an early present earlier tonight, got the Star Wars Trilogy DVDs... and now my life is complete.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the eating and the presents and the Christmas. Christmas dinner is at 2 o'clock tomorrow afternoon at my Aunt and Uncle's house in Buhl...

All you Fox people. I miss you. It's much boring here. If it wasn't for my Tauren... I'd probably already have lost my mind.

"Merry Christmas to All, Now You're All Gonna Die!"

Endless Night...

I was out all night last night... just got home in fact. This one has a good story to it, but for now I need to shower and get some shut eye.

I just had the worst dream of my life.... I want to bury my head in my hands and sob, I want to never sleep again, I want to never think of it again... it was the kinda dream that changes the way you look at other people...

Exercise in Willpower

This is gonna be alot of half-thoughts.

For starters... a warning. Haskell if you haven't seen Cold Mountain, don't, there's some stuff in their that is pretty hardcore (literally). So yeah... good movie though.

I used to think I knew what I wanted. A fast car, a fast computer, and a fast internet connection. That was my perfect life.

It has changed.



Alex's birthday is Friday.

My family sleeps early, everyone is out by 11. I'm up late some nights, just thinking, nothing to do, no one to talk to, I just stare at the ceiling, not wanting to sleep... just thinking. Same way I do in the Silage Truck in the summer... when you drive for upwards of 8 hours a day, there's alot of time to think. I think about everything... mostly I day dream.

During this time is mostly an over-analyzation of all the encounters and conversations I've had with people, what I said or did, what they said or did, what I should or shouldn't have said or done. Basically I read so far into things that I regret even talking/seeing that person at all.

That first semester of college went fast. Like I said earlier, when I look back everything is like a dream and thats what last semester is like to me now. It's had its good points and its nightmarish sequences.

Me and Haskell had a conversation about different levels of love we have for people. I had a few levels ascending in I'd fight with you, I'd fight for you, I'd kill for you, and I'd die for you. Since thinking about that, I've come to the realization I would die for quite a few people. My main criteria for that category is I believe that you have the potential to live a fuller life than myself or I want you to survive no matter what to fulfill your life... Mostly that category is full of people I know well and I know will succeed. No way am I gonna die for someone who's gonna be a failure, that's pretty pointless.

Most people are in those 4 categories if you know me at all, otherwise you're in the if I saw someone about to jump you I'd chuckle to myself and think Someone's about to get dealt some divine justice, and then walk away.

I had some other thoughts on death and purpose, but I decided that I haven't thought them through enough, so they can wait for another time.

And so I sit here, in the darkness, thinking, making myself feel darker than the room I'm in.

If anyone wants to talk... you have my cell number... or at least Haskell does.

Flicker, Flicker, Dimmer Fade to Black

Manic Bi-Polar Depressant

Ok so generally speaking:

If you are ever having a really tough time emotionally and you feel like fuming to me that's awesome, because you trust (or at least like me enough) to tell me your problems, I never had friends like that growing up so its cool having people be open about whats irritating them.

However, if I ever start using humor that is innapropriate or insensitive to the situation I apologize, because humor is my defense mechanism. When humor fails, than comes anger.

I don't mean to be a jerk, I'm usually trying to be careful in the way I phrase things, but I do sometimes get flustered and thats when the meaningless word vomit comes spewing out of my mouth, and I begin talking faster than I can think. Please don't be offended, I honestly feel guilty for days after I upset people like that.

An example of the word vomit:

Sarah, I'm really, really sorry for cussing... I feel so horrible about it...

The Dismal Break...

import random

Its been 3 days from Fox... I'm friggin bored as crap... there is usually a bunch of people that are always willing to talk or hang out, Big Dan, Haskell, Sarah, Eric, Vlad, Lesley, Alex, Amy... and the random people always in the lobby to strike up conversation with.

Bad food aside, I like Fox even with all the stupid trash they make me put up with.

But I'm sure when I open presents I'll feel better, who know's, it usually makes me feel happy.

I just want to have the break be over, for the first time in my life I have friendships. I've had them before, but now they matter. I had Andy here and he's friggin awesome. Hanging out with him is the only way I can survive in this state. But Andy aside, the place is dull.

Haskell, dear friend, I swear we are gonna watch movies for days when I get back, even if I am doped up on pain meds...

I woke up this morning and ran on the treadmill for an hour, watched Unleashed, watched Out Cold, headed to Twin and then got back at 10:15...

And tomorrow is going to be similar.

More UT... Talk to you later... you friggin tools.

All it takes is one person to tell me to come back to Oregon... and I'm already back in my car.

End of .random

Back in the Deep North...

Idaho is no longer my home. The place feels foreign, I know all the roads, all the places, all the people. But it doesn't feel right.

Feels wrong... dead wrong.

I'm counting down the days to my trip back to Oregon. To school, to friends, to what has become my new home.

I miss everyone from back at Fox. They are my new family. It's wierd not having them around. Even the ones I hate.

Talked to Sarah tonight. It was cool. I didn't think I was going to talk to anyone from Fox for friggin weeks. But she put my worries to rest, at least some people still know what the internet is once they leave Fox.

But for now I am going to game, and I'll probably be wierd when I get back to Oregon because I haven't been able to game for months.

Here we go.

Goodbye Brother, Comrade.

Vladimir is our hero, our rock, our brother, our comrade, our Ukrainian. Now Vovka is leaving us. In a way. He's moving out of Penn. He's now Commuter Vlad.

Never have I had the priviledge of such a friend as Tkach. He is the textbook definition for the strong, silent type. And smart to boot.

All the girls talked about him and no wonder. And if they didn't it was because they were blind, stupid, or a combination of the two.

Vlad you will always been a Penn1 Man. And there's always a chunk of carpet in my room with your name on it.

I love you man.

The Looming Doomsday

So Haskell has decided that me and him should, if we still like the girls we like at this point by that date, tell them we like them on February 17, 2006.

We've also decided that we should probably write down all this crap into a friggin book and make millions with "Life As a Tool"

Me and Bohl are running back through Intitial D, the coolest cartoon ever devised.

So until tonight when something may or may not happen, the end.

Failed Attempt At Concentration.

I tried to keep from seeing that girl all day today as well...

That didn't work out, saw her at dinner and then hung around in the lobby for a few minutes.

I can't concentrate afterwards, I'm always wondering what she's doing or how she's feeling. Frick. I just gotta keep my mind on my classes for a few days.

Well thats about all I've been thinking about... wow I'm pathetic... and she doesn't even like me.

Vlad thinks I'm friggin crazy, I hardly know the girl... and all I want to do is hang around and talk to her.

Makes a guy feel like a total tool.

Oh well, no classes tomorrow, just time for studying.

Late to Bed and Early to Rise make Brad a very tired boy...

I have to get up an hour earlier than usual for my Final, and I'm honestly so pissed about it.

Found out I have friggin Engnell for Intro to Comm, that has me kind of pissed off too. Public speaking is not my strong point. My business stats class was cancelled, so now I have to find something else to take its place to keep me around 16 or 17 credits.

I took a break from liking a girl today, didn't see or communicate with her in any way shape or form all day, makes me proud.

I hate Computer Science with all of my body.

Sleep is going to come in short order.

g'night.....

The Story of the Deaf Apology Part Dos

So anyways, I talked to Michelle last night. We talked for a little over an hour and I had recieved some advice that I should probably apologize to her for some stuff concerning our relationship that I still felt guilty about. She listened to about the first 5 minutes of the apology, and from then she didn't accept any more.

So that was the end of it.

I got some things off my chest and I apologized.

Now its done for good, if she never talks to me again. I'll be fine. The number was erased, the emails were deleted the pictures were burned.

The Story of the Deaf Apology

Here's where stuff changes again.

I talked to Michelle. Oh goody. Extrapolations coming tomorrow.

For now I'm tired. I was gonna write it all out, but after thinking for about five minutes and realizing how long it would take to write it out. I've decided to instead sleep, so until next time.

-Brad

Hedgehogs, Centaurs, Fawns, Foxes, and Gryphons

Went to the midnight show of Narnia. Got back to the dorm around 3 in the morning and worked on my paper til 5:15, slept until 7:45 and went to class.

After class I worked on my paper for another half hour, then walked with Sarah to her bank and then into the Creature Cabana. How do you get ahold of a Fennec fox... that place is shady, they probably purchase off of the black market, how else would you have African Hedgehogs...

The hedgehogs were friggin awesome. I want one.

No more friggin CS, I can't even explain to you the relief, but the final is like a black cloud on the horizon.

No more papers, no more classes. Just time to hang around with other people who are gonna be uptight as crap studying for all their finals....

Feels like I'm back in grade school and I'm waiting for the clock to hit 3...

Tomorrow is the last day of classes.

I'm so psyched I can't even handle it.

I'm done with writing papers, I have to write a research paper tonight still, and then have Haskell correct it and then rewrite and get it turned in by tomorrow morning. I also have a programming assignment I should be working on, but I probably won't.

Rammstein really does make me angry, because as soon as I listen to something else I mellow out.

My card doesn't work at the Bon right now, so until lunch tomorrow, I'm just going to have to go somewhere and grab a bite. I hafta pick up a newly fixed card in the morning.

Talked to a guy I knew from high school from about 5:15 to around 7:45, just talking it was pretty awesome, he was one of the guys I knew and I really liked but we were never really close or nothing, just hung around occassionally, it was good catching up with him.

End.

4 Finals, 2 Papers, a Log, and a Blog - Sorting Out Priorities

I have two papers I still haven't gotten around to writing. One is due tomorrow and the other Friday. I know that I need to do it but I can't gather the amount of responsiblity or drive to start either one. So as all great papers before it, it will begin at midnight and run long into the morning. After all, literary genius cannot be planned.

So...

When asked to describe myself, how high school was, or how my life as been it always sounds like a sob story. I don't mean for it to happen, but it seems that the bad things seem to overshadow the good when they shouldn't, my life has been way happier than I make it out, bumpy but awesome.

And honestly, for the rest of my time knowing you I'll feel really guilty about complaining about my life problems to you for hours at a time. And even if you claim that you didn't mind or it was okay, I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable around you again. That is one of the reasons I don't talk to people. I know I either won't say what I want to say, I'll be misunderstood, or I'll say something so blatantly retarded that they you won't want to speak to me again.

Honestly, after talking to someone about myself, something I've done rarely and extremely carefully, I usually feed them a load of complete bullshit and then avoid them for a while, mainly because I feel so bad about it.
The difference is, in the last couple days I've been honest and now I feel so awkward because for once in as long as I can remember that person could insult me and have it actually hurt. I haven't had an actual self-esteem lowering insult since probably 8th grade. Because you learn to keep your head down and not let anyone know anything about you, it gets hard to bash someone you know nothing about.

I've prayed more this week than I have the entire 3 months of being here.

I've felt really self-conscious lately... more than usual. And I even had an axiety attack last night, that's the first time in a couple years. Yippee.

Besides those thoughts, this has been the happiest week I've had since being at Fox.

Being Honest is More Horrifying Than Any Lie

So anyways, I was honest for the first time in my life last night. I usually hide myself behind a very intricate mask of made-up stories or just one or two of the exciting real ones. Just enough that people don't question my credibility...

And I was open to someone I barely know. What I told her was a major part of the why I am the way I turned out. I just felt that for once I should be honest with someone. And honestly I feel awkward and embarrassed towards that person now. On top of already being nervous.

And I've come to a conclusion about the whole thing. Erase the number and burn the rest.

Only thing left to worry about is the conscience, I have an amazing memory for all the stupid crap I've done.

And it feels really weird to not have something to hide behind, after 4 years of criticism it's a very different thing to be freely handing out ammunition to someone. But I think it was good for me.

Took a drive last night, scary as piss. A combination of driving too fast, my poor vision, a very windy road, and fog it was pretty gnarly for a bit.




I feel better now.

Fuming

Circling the Penn parking lot for 15 freaking minutes, no parking spots, and nowhere else to go...

I just want to walk down the rows of cars and put a big basketball-sized dent in the side of every car I don't recognize.

Just take deep breaths and forget about the stupid wankers who bring a car to college and only drive it to Nap's once in 4 freaking months.

9 School Days To Go

My day has gone okay so far, felt like I did well on my quiz this morning in Intro to CS, slept until 12:37, ran to my 12:40 class and got to play Basketball for an hour, went back to my room, found out my Grandma was okay, called my Brother, and now I'm blogging.

Just finished a muffin and a frickin juice box, and I don't have any classes for the rest of my day.

Watched 10 Things I Hate About You with Sarah last night, that movie is friggin amazing, even if it is classified as a chick flick.

I have 2 essays to write this week. And a huge programming assignment.

My hair's friggin screwed up from sleeping too... I hate sleep. Waste of friggin time.

And now I'm going to leave and go to my brother's...

What the crap...

So I got a call from my mother tonight, apparently my Grandma Paulin had a heart-attack today. I'm not sure how to feel about this. Honestly, my Grandma is so ornery that she won't die until she feels like it. She's had strokes and heart problems forever, and that's why I don't know whether to shrug this off and be like, oh well it's happened before, she'll pull through no problem, or if I should really be worried about this.

Sometimes I have a hard time explaining things... or saying things to people when I'm there... or walking into a girl's hall for no reason other than to talk to someone.(I don't have Bohl's confidence)

Those are things that I either can't do or find it difficult to do.

So anyways, I'm tired again, didn't get my homework done, but I'm feeling pretty good. Bored as crap, if anyone reads this... save me.

Playlists, Pirates, and Paper Snowflakes

Hung out in the Study room in Penn with Sarah from 9:45 to 1:15 or something like that and it was pretty awesome. She tried to show me how to make snowflakes... mine sucked, hers were all lacy and frilly and mine were friggin jagged and tiger-looking, and then she spent 3 hours trying to construct a playlist and transfer music to one of her friends... and she is a hardcore music pirate... her and mytunes go together like white on rice. Hahaha.

I'm friggin tired and I have alot of work to get done in the morning...

.//End Transmission/

Being the Better Person... or Trying at Least

The internet is at 271 kb/s down... I'm so happy right now. I been working out with Haskell and Bohl, and where to most that isn't a big deal and where I might not even be doing much, I'm doing more than I was before. I'm trying at least. I'm tired. I'm unsure how my classes are going to end, probably in academic probation.

I'll try, but motivation to do work that I don't understand is in low supply. I'm just waiting for next semester when I can get into my business classes. That right now is the only thing that keeps me going.

I have 2 assignments due by Friday, one I have done, theoretically. The other... well, I dunno, I guess I just get together with some other people that need help too and hopefully I can get through it in time. And on top of that I have a research essay that needs doing also... I'm lost. Time management is screwing me over, I should have been more diligent in the beginning.

The past is past. Only the present and future hold any meaning now. Time to get ready for Bible Study....

Stoking the Fire of Hatred

Sometimes I wake up and want to see everyone in sight burned or hanged or shot. Today wasn't one of those days, but for no reason at all its warping into one of those. My classes were cancelled, I've had breakfast and lunch and neither were too bad. I am just angry, and it keeps building. I have this urge to say goodbye to a few people, step into my car, and disappear. The last time I felt this way was in high school, every day I would pass the freeway on the way to school and on the way home and I always wanted to turn my car onto the interstate and jet away.

I've already talked to my old man about next summer and it looks like I'm gonna be driving that truck again. I knew I wouldn't get away from it. But looking back, it was the best money I could make. And I'll have an extra month to make a little more this time, and I'll have a better idea of how much money I should be holding onto for the school year.

I like being able to refrain from a job during the school year so as I can have more time for homework if it was necessary. And driving allows me to do that.

Thanksgiving was good, lots of family was around. Good food and such, the drive was long though. I can't wait for Christmas but I figure I'll get bored being there for that long of a time frame.

Relationships are the friggin devil, you always wonder what that other person is doing after its over. Occupies your thoughts all the time, and then if you like someone you are always wondering what they are doing, and then that is whats occupying your mind, or both at once... relationships are just a friggin nightmare.

Friggin a... I'm bored...

Cell Number

I wake up every morning, and I soon as my eyes open and adjust I'm staring at this cell phone number on my whiteboard, should I call it?

Her Re-Entry

Not very many who are going to read this are going to understand but:

Michelle emailed me, told me stuff that was going on and also gave me her cell number, I responded (though haven't recieved a reply back yet)

I'm wondering why... wondering should I call her? What do I say?

I can already feel that this is gonna be awkward...

Oh well...

I'm also realizing that everyday, I see or hear people doing crap I don't like. Making me angry, making me never want to talk to them again, but I haven't quite found what I'm going to use them for so I just suffer through it.

Longing for a life I had, I lost, and that I'm likely to never have again...

So what can I say about Fox... it blows. Hard classes, bad food, bad mealtimes, annoying music-oriented floormates, Halo addicts, and then the mix match of things that I loathe.

Do I want to stay, yes and no. I want to leave pretty bad, but I'm compelled to stay. If I was to leave now I would have constant memory of my new family, Vlad from the Ukraine, Eric, the Dans, Joe, Bohl, Joel, Haskell, James, Little John and Josh (The Odor), Brian, Zebulun the Rocket, George Fox, Casey and Brandon, Bo and Luke, Chris, Sang, Nick, Tony, Alex the Halfrican, and Felix.

But I want to leave to return to the easy-going hardcore rural life I had. Back to Maves and the Roaches and fast cars. Back to high-speed internet and no crappy garage band or christian music. Back to my comfort zone. When people say you don't realize what you have until its gone... that isn't necessarily true, I knew what I had I just wanted to see if there was more.

Things that you forget to do screw you over and then haunt you for the semester.

People keep asking me why I came, why did I choose Fox? Because at the time of submission Maves was still here, and then after that I was too lazy to change. Too much hassle. My dreams are those of a small town person... the ones that pale in comparison to their more complex urban brethren.

2 Weeks are gone... 2 Weeks that can't be taken back or changed. The only thought I have is that in 4 years I'm gonna look back on this like a dream, yesterday time moved so slow from class to class, but today yesterday feels like nothing more than a dream, time isn't really a tangible thing, because time felt slow when we were 15 and now 15 feels like a short short collection of dreams. So basically I could wake up now and be 10 years down the road, in a minute what I just did a minute before will be nothing more than a dream.

When I would sit in the cab of my semi, half an hour in I would say this whole thing will be nothing more than a dream in 10 hours, and it was... so this is how I am going to live the next year.

Stage III: Newberg

So as a hero in a game I departed from my hometown, from my formal training(high school), to embark on a bigger journey. But as in most games once you get to the town you are lost.

Lost as in you can't find or contact any of NPCs you should ( in my case Haskell or Sam...) because they aren't in the spot they should be (or in my case Haskell not answering cell phone and Sam not responding to messages) but such is life.

So its 11 at night... usually the beginning of the usual long, drawn out night for me. But I have no activity to help weedle away the hours... Haskell I hate you, and not in a racist "I peed in your rice bowl" kind of way but in the "You didn't answer your cell phone you stupid prick" way.
And Sam... you can't hate Sam, he's like the special ed kid that kicks you in the balls and laughs, there's no point in getting angry with him... he wouldn't understand why.

So now I sit in my brother's apartment waiting for tomorrow to come... so I can find some activity... friggin bored... so... bored.....

The End of the Longest Driving Session

Tomorrow is my last day of driving. I've been driving for 3 years and did all the scale and billing for 3 years before that, I'm so sick of silage I can't see straight and want to gag everytime I smell it. Today was the perfect driving day. It was a cool 65 degrees, windy and overcast... but as luck would have it, the hay was too wet to chop so it extended our schedule to tomorrow being the last day and I just know that when I get up in the morning its gonna be a sweltering 95 degrees... man I hate my life... on the upside because all we have left is a mini-mini-pivot (4 pivot tracks to the pivot point) and 3 more rows out of the full pivot we finished today(they decided to swath the weeds on the edges....)

Anyways everyday driving with Joe I learn something new. Apparently he knew the Italian Mafia Hitman, Jimmy the Weasel. Jimmy the Weasel had 13 successful contract killings and there was no good evidence against him, he was good at what he did, but the government finally got him for tax evasion. So as soon as Jimmy got out of the pen he had to find and hold down a job for a little while, as fate might have it he got a job at the same wrecking yard as Joe. So Joe got to know Jimmy a little bit, said he was around 5'10" had thick glasses and was the nicest guy you'd ever meet, unless he had a contract on you then, "He wasn't afraid to use that piano wire." as Joe said.

Joe said that the Governor of California at the time was also an italian and was frequently getting in touch with Jimmy the Weasel at the wrecking yard, after claiming on television and during his campaign that he had no connection with the mafia. Joe said one day 2 brand new black cars full of men in suits got out, carrying several briefcases, talked to Jimmy by the office to the wrecking yard, went into the office, came out (lacking the briefcases) got into the cars and left. Joe said the next day found out that they had bought the wrecking yard...

Joe's been there and done that... said he's now lived through 8 wars. Friggin cool old guy, always talking about the way stuff used to be. Can't wait to tell kids my stories... "There I was... alone in my cubicle, when all of a sudden..." Doesn't sound as impressive as a mafia story...

Oh well, I should be coming up to Fox mid week, couple days before the dorms open, for the sake of getting the heck outa here.

Finished GTO today, great show, I'm prolly a little depressed its over but... I've gotta nother few series downloading right now, should be ready in a few days...

D0wn104ding H4rdc0r3

Knowing that the last thing I want to have to do this next year is spend all my money looking for entertainment... I started mass downloading at the beginning of the summer trying to amass enough cartoon shows to keep me busy for weeks if I was to watch them nonstop. So far I've probably already done that... but like every good role model I must continue on persevere even though its unnecessary.

So with that said, if anyone at Fox is looking for something in particular... let me know and I'll find it for you... or I'll decide that your request was stupid and say "Sorry Haskell, I can't find the entire series of Sailor Moon for you." Not to be specific or anything...

Once I get to my dormroom and show it to my mother... her bank account opens and she has to buy me all sorts of good stuff... bear in mind I'll point her in the right direction (I'll make sure she gets you some of those friggin awesome Terryaki bowls from Cosco, Hask).
So far she said she's buying me a Fridge and a Microwave... and knowing my mom (she went into withdrawls when my brother left for college and spent thousands of dollars in the first few weeks following his departure.) I should be able to hopefully extend that into more food and supplies...

Gonna have to buy a VCR too... DVD blows so hardcore, not saying that I don't have a few, I'm just saying I've never had a VHS tape crap out on me from rough handling in 2 weeks... Which is why I've had Bio-Dome and Ferris Bueller's Day Off on VHS for almost 8 years now... No DVD has that kind of staying power.

-<|Sam if you're reading this the next paragraph is a joke, if you're not Sam then this next paragraph is the most truthful paragraph on my blog|>-

Maybe its good that Sam isn't in Penn this year, won't have to lie and tell him his 280Z is cool. (Ironic name for that car since its quarter mile time is 28 seconds... hey there's another coincidence my silage truck does a 28 second too...)

Anyways... tomorrow is another day of driving, if we go long tomorrow (an extra 3 or 4 hours) then tomorrow might be the last day of driving for me for good. Otherwise tomorrow is just another normal crappy day in the cab. One of the dairymen's feed truck driver's cut a corner and scrapped the back end of my truck today too... geniuses every single one of them...

Bohl said he knows my roommate... Bohl's jealous cause that guy could be a better ninja than him. hehe...

Tired now... time to eat and then sleep.

The Breaking Off Part 1: Killing the already Dying Friendship

Koda called me today and wondered if I wanted to hang out before I took off for College, since he was gonna be going to Washington for the rest of the summer for a friend of our's brother's wedding.
So I agreed and I met up with him in Twin and we wandered for a bit, through Sam Goody, looked at the Anime and the T-Shirts and what not... Just basically killing time, and then we went to Mandarin House and ate and then we drove back to his car and went our separate ways.
And that was the end, may never see Koda again after I go to Oregon.

3 More days of chopping and then I'm done. Done with it all. Joe told me one of the crudest, most hilarious jokes I have ever heard, however as I know that religious affiliated people and Asians frequent my blog (By that I mean Haskell) I'll just keep it to myself until I can tell it in person.

Then I spend my last full week at home preparing to leave my home. Now whether I'm leaving for good is yet to be seen, but I hope its the former, I'd hate to be a failure and have to come home.

Been playing around with Google Earth a little bit... my Dad hijacked my computer for friggin 5 hours last night traveling around... looking at satellite photos of military bases... Google is like a terrorists best friend, I was looking at pretty high res photos of stealth jets take off and land at military bases all over the place...

Downloading like mad trying to amass entertainment for myself for the coming year, have about 6 series. I want another 5 or 6 more.

Time to sleep for now... Gotta get up again in the morning... bunch of crap right there.

End of Day 5, and the Vigil Continues....

Today was the 5th day driving, I'm getting more used to the early hours, I'm waking up two or three minutes before my alarm goes off, and am growing increasingly anxious to be done with work and be driving up to Oregon, at the current time I'm toying with the idea of making the journey a few days earlier and living in my brother's apartments til school starts... I know this won't happen, but it makes me happier thinking I might.

I "messed around" with my blog a little more, trying to learn the basics of CCS... I think it's a little more advanced than it was. Kept the same stock Blogger template and added an element and modified the others.

I'm running out of activities to do outside of work, I've watched every cartoon I could download and then some, and even started delving into the past months of bloggin by Haskell and Erin, and everyone else at Fox... Sad? Hell yeah it is... but as Joe (A 60-year old truck driver I work with who looks like he's from ZZ Top) says, I'm young, dumb, and full of cum.... and I have no idea how that pertains to the situation so don't ask, I was just giving you a little insight on the types of people I consort with.

Joe: Dude as old as the hills... literally. He's seen and done everything. Been working steady since the 6th grade. (Examples on everything= Seen a human foot still inside a shoe when they crushed a wrecked car at a wrecking hard. And he's seen brains splattered all over the headliner of a car (same wrecking yard job), He's also worked in a pencil slat factory.

Hot Rod Donna: Trucker lady, almost as old as Joe. She has muscles that would make most guys cringe in fear. She walks and talks like a man, and her husband (who uses a walker and can only mumble excitedly) thinks he is the best thing since the earth was created (but he sucks at everything) and is annoying as crap.

Mike: Mike's prolly around 30, drives the biggest truck, Mike is mostly there to make fun of everyone else. He's a pretty good guy, and has some pretty good material, though sprinkled heavily with profanity, he's pretty cool to hang around with while the chopper's busted or we're waiting for something. (Mike has been sharing his truck with this enormous rat for like 2 months, Donna jumped in and beat it to death with a hammer, that thing was more like a large cat...)

I mostly just mess around with this small collective all day every day... sometimes its entertaining, somtimes it sucks... just depends on the conditions and the weather.

Frick now I got to sleep, tomorrows day 6... dang I hate my life.

Crude Movie = $7, greasy Skipper's Seafood = $5, Realizing you have $70 in change in your room... priceless

Rounded up all the loose change in my room (only the silver fancy ones, no cheap pennies for me.) Took it into a Coinstar... Made 70 bucks... I shoulda done that this morning and just skipped work today... I drove a truck in the wicked heat for 7 hours for that much...

I figure I prolly have another 40 or so dollars in pennies too... I'll have to take those over later.

Only drawback is now my room is devoid of shiny objects, the pennies don't have much luster...

So I have to work up until next Wednesday, then I spend the rest of the summer throwing away my useless belongings, breaking off contact with most people, all that good stuff.

Well Haskell, since you are the only person that reads this... How are you today? How was the move into the dorm? You and Polits spoonin' up a storm? It's all about stamina...

frick I'm bored... Hey did I ever tell you about that time I had friends? It's a short story but a good one...

God likes Asians better...

I was going through my chat logs for messenger (mostly cause Maves lies alot, so you have to catch him that way, or he has a way of "forgetting" something he said) and I opened up my log of Haskell.... and a few times I had a crappy time at the end of the school year and Haskell said he'd pray for me and then I'd end up doing really good on whatever he prayed for. So apparently there's some affirmative action going on in Heaven, cause he listens to Haskell's prayers more than mine, though mine do tend to be of the "rushed prayer in my head right before capital punishment is announced" type. Or maybe God takes pity on Haskell's features (which don't resemble the Chinese or the Americans, he's like a mutant). Oh well, I'm a middle-class teenage caucasian male, making me as plain as a piece of lined paper(or so Haskell can understand "as plain as a grain of rice" hehe)... So to sum up what this is about, everybody should get themselves an Asian, makes miracles happen faster. (and the miracles tend to be of better quality, honestly have you seen the wierd flying in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, there ain't never been a flying white guy...)

Asian! Now in 3 unique flavors! (Japanese, Chinese, and Vietnamese!) Collect the whole set!

Convoy - Ag Style

I have to start driving again tomorrow and it'll run all the way to the beginning of the school year. 3rd cutting of Haylage... The continuation of collecting my meager and worthless belongings into boxes or the trash has kept me a little bit busy... Anything I can do to get my mind off of coming to Fox/driving my truck. Both seem equally unappealing.

I have a small fan in my cab, which does absolutely no good. 110 degrees outside and about 10 above that inside my cab and the fan does nothing but push it around. Seems that everytime I have to drive a record heatwave comes out of nowhere, it could be pouring rain but as soon as I start opening the door of that stupid truck, out comes the sun and dries up all the rain and then all over the radio the host is droning about how hot it is outside and how abnormal the temperatures are and how good his air conditioned station feels... The hay also itches, so when you load and sometimes when you unload its wise to have your window rolled up, trapping the heat in the cab with you... as my dad waves at me and smiles from his air conditioned chopper and my uncle laughs at my from the cab of his air conditioned ginormous packing tractor. I swear...

But then as you drive down the road you see manure trucks, piled high with cow crap and you think, Hey maybe my job isn't so bad after all, at least I don't smell.

I beat Theresa at Scrabble, with the words "Craw" and "Snow", she put the nail in her own coffin with the word "Raw" which I used to make both of those words to win the game. Dang I'm good.
Oh yeah. She never saw it coming.

Well Maves is out delivering Pizzas again. He seems pretty happy about his job (I think it's because he doesn't have to put that pizza hut sign on his car). Anyways, I'm gonna get back to cleaning up my stuff.

Lacking in all senses of the word

I decided to tinker with my blog's appearance a little bit, cause I've been watching cartoons all day and got bored and there wasn't anything else to do. Everyone I know is working, with family, or getting drunk... so I have nothing to do. So, you know, if any of you Fox people think to update your blog more than once every couple weeks, you could really help stem my boredom... Gonna go harrass Aaron at his new place of bidness....

End of a Long and Dreary Chapter...

I've been slowly placing things in boxes and plastic tubs, preparing for the final move away from the bedroom that I've known since the 8th grade and that I've shared with my brother until he moved to Oregon 3 years ago. I would suppose for most people who were spoiled, or for people who were the only child, the dorm life would scare them, having to live in a cramped room with another person for long periods of time. For me, it's merely a journey back in time. As I look around my bedroom, which is now a white box with a matress on the floor for a bed and a few full containers of belongings, I realize how little I have amassed in my 18 years of life. The only good investment I've ever made was my computer. But even with the little I have I know I've been blessed heavily, my parents have struggled their entire lives to make sure that when I leave their house in 3 weeks that I will have the skill set to survive in the real world.
I guess the reason I'm talking about this crap at all is because I am anxious as all get out about the fact that I'm 18 and that no matter what happens whether I go to college or not I have to move out of my parents house. For the last 18 years home was wherever my parents were and soon that won't hold true ever again. That feeling has me nervous, feels like I've just walked through a door and that door locked behind me. Soon what happens to me will be in my control, whether I tank or succeed will depend on me. And me in control of anything is a scary thought. And I know you guys are going to give me responses like "God will help you" and such so, not trying to sound harsh or anything, take into account I'm already aware of that.
Since me and Aaron were in Jr. High the dream was: When we get our Driver's License's we will be able to do whatever we want and hang around with each other all the time. Then that happened and that's just what we did. Then once we could drive we were like: We are going to college and we're gonna be roommates and no matter what happens it'll always be the two of us around to make sure the other doesn't die and so on. Well that won't ever happen now, the fact that next year is gonna be a inverse repeat of last year, him at Fox and me home, scares me pretty bad too. Aaron is going to be in Twin with Andy, while I'm going to be alone at Fox.
Or I would have been if it wasn't for Aaron. He introduced me to Haskell and Sam and all the other guys in Penn. I'd like to think that for everything Aaron's given me, taste in music, letting me play Nox and Diablo for hours on his computer and leaving him with nothing to do, giving me Lego pieces that he had double of, or for generally letting me hang around in the same vicinity, that I have given even one good thing to him (impossibly high standards of girls?), but I know I haven't. Aaron is the singlemost greatest person I've ever had the good fortune to meet, and for more than 10 years I've had to honor to call him my best friend. He is my brother in every sense and meaning of the word. And I am gonna miss his stupid ass next year at Fox.

What started as a chapter closing in my life twisted into a tribute of my best friend, while I haven't gained as many material things as most people I have gained a friend, and thats worth more than anything money can buy, red hair or no.

Sexy Sexy Hachi-Go

Me and my friend Andy returned from the land of Port, after stopping by Fox to turn in much much late paperwork, I was standing outside the stevens center and almost get run over, but not noticed, by Erin Kress... I was 2 feet from the tire and she didn't even glance, she was listening to her ipod and dead to the world. So after my near death experience I retreated back into the safety of the Stevens center, sprinted to my car, and took off like a bat outa hell... cause I know that she is still driving that Gator, and she might be about to destroy me at any moment. So I would like to apologize to anyone that had to see a chubby kid doing mission impossible movements out through the parking lot... You have to understand I was just scared for my life.

We got the CRX back home, so now for the next week or so we get it running back to peak performance. Break repair, Radiator replacement, and 1 ginormous cleaning job are on the way. For only have 90 hp, that car pulls hard, I seriously might not be able to beat him with my Integra. The back tires are bald to the extreme, looks like he put drag slicks on the back end. That car rules though. Once he finishes that car will be friggin amazing... but now I need to get ready to go see the car again so... screw you all... I like cars better.

Operation Pocket Rocket...

My friend bought a first gen CRX in Portland and now we have to retrieve it. So tomorrow night we depart for an all night drive to the land of Port spend an insane amount of time driving, then we get up there, strap that little pocket rocket onto the car trailer and make like hell back for the border before those liberal freaks ever see what hit em. My friend is gonna be slappin' a B-series VTEC into that little car, that thing will flat out fly.
While I want to go to Fox so that I can get an education helping secure a job so I can make money to pour into my car, I also am incredibly pained to leave now that this CRX has come from obscurity and puttered into the foreground of my existence with its 1.5 liter lawn mower engine. Had it not been for my conscience screaming that I would regret the decision later I would say screw college, apply at Dell and waste away my existence so as to watch the CRX slowly take shape into the drift/drag monster that my friend has planned. Would I throw away my entire college experience for a car? At the moment, yes, and prolly come finals time I'll have the same sentiments.
That punk Maves is gonna be able to hang around with that CRX all year... he's been trying to replace me for weeks, but he's a poor substitute.
If my Teg manages to make it through college with me, I'll start shoving money into it, put a B18C in it, turbo it, we'll see.

All this talk about cars... I gotta go drive something.....

The Bruox, will it push the Liger to extinction? That story and more coming up on the News at 10...

Well a few more weeks and I head down to Newberg, I was down a week or so ago... and I realized... Oregon blows, its cramped, crowded, and doesn't rain nearly enough... I want a monsoon season dammit.

Aaron left me to go spoon with Ty, backstabbin traitor...

The last few months... all I wanted was to leave this craphole state and these moronic people... but you know... I grew up around these moronic people, I know how these people tick... city people bah, stuck up whores and homos... I grew up in intolerance and I'm gonna be intolerant to everyone I was raised to be intolerant of...

Lamest excuse for a girl not liking you: Different political views - Honestly I can't remember the last time I have ever started any sort of flirtatious conversation with: (suavest voice you can imagine) "So what do you think of Bush's educational reforms?" (Girl tries wit, and fails, miserably) "Oh, really? Wow, How about the death penalty, personally I don't find it to be harsh enough."
Honestly, if this is the conversation you are having with a girl, you must have some sick and twisted motives in mind for when the candles start burning low...

Before computers... I had a group of friends, or at least I'd like to think I belonged... but then came my families first computer system... I spent hours pouring my heart and soul into my 56k internet... never getting anything in return, meeting random people from all over the place and slowly and surely I started to hate other people, all other people. My computer wouldn't stand you up, insult you, hurt your feelings, and most importantly the computer didn't have feelings or moods... thus no mood swings or exhibitions of violent behavior... But I digress, lately... computers have becoming increasingly frustrating to me at the sudden realization that I have absolutely nothing to do on them anymore... gaming has lost its gleam, the internet its luster(long ago I might add), the only use I can currently find for them is to heat my room... which gets little circulation as is it I sit in a puddle of sweat for hours at a time, afraid to open my door or windows for fear that the fresh oxygen will give me a headrush and make me pass out.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm bored as crap so if anyone has some tech related activity they would like to throw out there to occupy a few of my hours i would be obliged, and I don't want any "exercise or athletic" options either... the only reason one should participate in such activities is because they lack the academic brainpower to adequately perform in a more refineduse of their time.

Sidenote: Only a month Haskell then we can have a freakin hot sweaty network plugin sex extravaganza!