Exercise in Willpower

This is gonna be alot of half-thoughts.

For starters... a warning. Haskell if you haven't seen Cold Mountain, don't, there's some stuff in their that is pretty hardcore (literally). So yeah... good movie though.

I used to think I knew what I wanted. A fast car, a fast computer, and a fast internet connection. That was my perfect life.

It has changed.



Alex's birthday is Friday.

My family sleeps early, everyone is out by 11. I'm up late some nights, just thinking, nothing to do, no one to talk to, I just stare at the ceiling, not wanting to sleep... just thinking. Same way I do in the Silage Truck in the summer... when you drive for upwards of 8 hours a day, there's alot of time to think. I think about everything... mostly I day dream.

During this time is mostly an over-analyzation of all the encounters and conversations I've had with people, what I said or did, what they said or did, what I should or shouldn't have said or done. Basically I read so far into things that I regret even talking/seeing that person at all.

That first semester of college went fast. Like I said earlier, when I look back everything is like a dream and thats what last semester is like to me now. It's had its good points and its nightmarish sequences.

Me and Haskell had a conversation about different levels of love we have for people. I had a few levels ascending in I'd fight with you, I'd fight for you, I'd kill for you, and I'd die for you. Since thinking about that, I've come to the realization I would die for quite a few people. My main criteria for that category is I believe that you have the potential to live a fuller life than myself or I want you to survive no matter what to fulfill your life... Mostly that category is full of people I know well and I know will succeed. No way am I gonna die for someone who's gonna be a failure, that's pretty pointless.

Most people are in those 4 categories if you know me at all, otherwise you're in the if I saw someone about to jump you I'd chuckle to myself and think Someone's about to get dealt some divine justice, and then walk away.

I had some other thoughts on death and purpose, but I decided that I haven't thought them through enough, so they can wait for another time.

And so I sit here, in the darkness, thinking, making myself feel darker than the room I'm in.

If anyone wants to talk... you have my cell number... or at least Haskell does.

Flicker, Flicker, Dimmer Fade to Black