Certainty in Uncertainty

You want to know why God doesn't grant wisdom as often as he used to? Solomon put a bad taste in his mouth, that's why.

I think I have the answers I was looking for... maybe not even what I was expecting them to be... and maybe they aren't the ones you are looking for...

So anyways, I hate life on Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday nights... Have to get up at a friggin early time the next morning... it just sucks...

I'm sitting in my room... bored... really friggin bored...

Wow... my life's changed. If I could talk to myself from a year ago, would I listen to myself? Or would I do what I did to everyone else... and blow myself off?

Definition

How do I define something that seems so abstract to me?

How do I explain something that doesn't even make sense to me? It's just a massive tangle of emotions and feelings all pointing me down the same path.

There are plenty of reasons why... but every time I am about to say anything, my throat siezes up, my mouth goes dry, and I'm left without words. So in the end what happens? Silence.

I'm excited and at the same time frightened... you think that you are at more of a risk than me? I have invested more in you than any other person I have ever known.

Everytime I'm with you, every single time, means its going to be that much harder if it ends. And I don't ever want it to end.

I've never had the "Sarah Complex" where I forget you 5 minutes after we stop talking... I'm in a constant state of panic-mixed-with-joy from the moment I wake up til the moment I lose myself in sleep.

There's so much I mean to say, wish I could get out, to put you at ease, to end your suffering... but in the end it's always the same.

Silence.

And I'm sorry, more sorry than I have ever been. I hope I can find the words soon.

Nothing Knew... Know That's Knot Write...

So... it's been awhile, days... but it feels like weeks. Funny how one event can change so much so quickly.

Let me just say this week has been the best week I can remember... Even getting my Integra last summer gets blown away. I'm at a loss for words to describe everything.


Even if you don't agree, that's okay.


I've done more thinking this week, more praying, spent more time in silence, then I can ever remember before in my life...

I've never been so confused in all of my life, I never have any idea what's going on, but I like it. I'm so lost all the time...

I wake up afraid that you're going to realize that you've been wrong and that you hate me. You're afraid of me hurting you... Why? I'm not intimidating or frightening... I'm just... me.

I've never been very complex, and I think you know me alot better than you think.

Why do you constantly need me to reassure you? No matter how many times I tell you, you always ask again... and for some reason it's never annoying, it's cute. I like being able to reassure you.

I can't explain or describe anything

How Did I Survive This Long...

Honestly... how can I even be alive and so stupid. Why do I always manage to screw stuff up. Everything...

I can't ever have anything good... cause God hates me. Otherwise I'd be more wise in what I say, what I do. I pray now... All the time, I'm constantly praying... in my head when not out loud.

Maybe God is helping me... but I'm such a colossal failure not even he has enough power to keep me from messing up.

Discouraging...

I just need to relax... the music is angry but it does the opposite for me... it kind of sucks the anger out of me...

I wish I could sleep, but I have homework to be doing. Homework that I won't do even if I don't sleep.

Can't Even Think of a Title...

I can't think of the right words to correctly explain how happy today has been...

None.

I have words but they sound plain, they wouldn't do the day any justice in description. Today was amazing.

Yesterday was cool, last night was hard and required more courage than I thought I possessed... but today was amazing. It's better. I feel better, happier, like I can't even explain any of this...

It's like I can't even wait for the next day to start so it could just keep going.

Noncommital and Unwilling to Let Go

I'm never sure of anything. Myself, others, random meaningless little decisions. Indecision is me. Lately I've been ruled by these feelings that have always felt foreign. I've always been pretty confident because I knew what I was, what I was capable of, and I thought I knew how my life would end up.

How do I feel? That question has been coming up alot lately. I've always been a thinker not a feeler. I tried to make everything logical... whenever the question comes up I run through my thoughts, whats happened to me recently, what could be leading to my feeling and my response begins, "I think it's because..." But how do I know that, I could just be making excuses to skate away from the truth.

Why am I trying to act like my emotion has any sort of logic?

I feel illogical.

I feel nervous, anxious, unsteady, unsure, kind of like falling down a pit and you never know when the bottom might suddenly appear and you could die.

When I experience emotion I embrace it, like at any point my life may end and I want to know I lived the human experience to the fullest. I let it consume me entirely until I don't exist and only the emotion remains. I lose myself in the torrent of rage, depression, and happiness... It's like I'm treading water in the center of a hurricane.

And you are the one that alters it. So in the end, my decisions don't matter, yours do. Choose carefully. I'll be with you no matter what you decide.

Acquaintance Application Form #33b-8

So... I've never had really close friends before. There's a reason, a good one I always thought. Mostly to keep from getting hurt.

When I talk to my friends about other people usually they talk about the people that annoy them, people who think they are friends with my friends, but who my friend hates with a passion they aren't aware of. An example:

Friend #1 is my friend. Friend #1 tells me about how much he can't stand Friend #2, but Friend #2 doesn't know that Friend #1 hates him. And in conversation and in person Friend #1 and Friend #2 seem perfectly fine. And because of the fact that Friend #1 seems to still like him, Friend #2 hangs around all the time, the whole time unaware of how much Friend #1 wishes he would disappear.


I'm always afraid that the way people casually talk about disliking another person, that they might talk the same way about me to another friend of theirs. Paranoia on my part no doubt. But because of that I'm never really close to anyone and I also kind of hate people for it. And I realize I'm guilty of the same crime myself, and I'm saying in no way is it someone else's fault. I suppose I just need constant reaffirmation of my status with the other person.

And before I was unwilling to wait patiently for that confirmation or didn't care. (Namely how even if Andy hated me I'd still show up at his house like clockwork if I was back in Idaho)

But I suppose for the sake of liking the friends I have now... I'm in a constant state of worry over if they like me or not. If I say this will they reject me? If I do this will they look at me differently?

I just need to breathe and take it easy. I suppose if someone didn't like me they'd certainly tell me, especially if I irritated them to the point of hating me. So thats what I bank on. The other person's honesty towards me... is it misplaced? Maybe, but don't expect to ditch me so easy either, I'll probably just avoid you for a couple days and let you cool down... then be all over you like a cheap suit all over again.

I guess you'll just have to learn how to cope... it builds character and it helps for the next time someone annoys you. You'll be able to keep your emotions in check for longer the next time it happens.

Weak with Boredom

30 minutes to go... the slow drawl of the prof's voice is lulling me to sleep.

I just decided to write this really fast because I just had a rage episode for no reason. It's so retarded... What's the point of freaking out like that. It's ridiculous and childish the way whenever I pass another person when I'm walking to class I tense up and expect to get hit from behind...

Who thinks that like?! Honestly... I'm losing my mind. I've even started day dreaming in classes about getting into fights... Maybe its the lack of any sort of conflict lately, I haven't been a jerk needlessly (well, compared to my previous record) for so long. I've been trying to be a good person, but its hard for me. Maybe its hard for everyone, I don't know I haven't asked anyone.

I'm so different from the way I was on the outside, but I'm still the same as I was on the in. No matter what I let out of my mouth, the initial reaction, my instinctual reaction of pure asshole-ness is always right there at the back of my mind, ready to be spat out. But I hold it in. Advancement maybe, adaptation. I'm only truthful to a handful of people, incredibly so to fewer people.

People are starting to grate on my nerves, nearly everyone, I only enjoy hanging around with a handful of people, and with those people I could probably hang around with them for days on end without a complaint from me. But as I've said before, no matter how much you wish you could live in the moment forever, its not possible. Just one more way God spites me.

I'm bored, angry, tired, frustrated, but I'm happy at the end of the day. My evenings are always what redeems me from the depths of the hell in my mind. They give me hope, happiness, a renewed love for people around me.

And so... after 25 minutes of writing, erasing, rewriting, deleting, rewriting, and editing I managed to make it down to 5 minutes left of class. And pass by the hardest, slowest moving time of the class by talking to you. Thank you.

Clinging to a dying thought...

I hate trying to bring back past conversations... whether they were unfinished or not. Makes me feel like I'm pushing the other person, or I think that they think I'm obsessing about something because I keep coming back to something over and over.

Most times I just let it go thinking, Hey if it's important at some point the conversation will start up again on its own.

So I don't bring it back.

This happens more times than I care to remember... does the conversation ever reoccur naturally? Rarely, if ever. So basically I have these nagging questions in the back of my brain... questions I'm not comfortable asking, or that I'm not sure of the other person's reaction so I just keep them to myself.

Maybe I stagger things in my mind so I feel more like an idiot than I appear. But as I think about what I've said or done during the day, right before I sleep, I always feel like a moron, all the stupid crap I did and regret doing... all of the stuff I regret not saying to someone for fear of how it will be accepted. I wish I wasn't such a coward sometimes.

I need sleep, only a few hours til my class in the morning...

Friggin Dead

"You can't treat everything like a life or death situation, cause you'll die a alot of times."
- Van Wilder

You have to think of that and smile, cause we do stupid things all the time, if you ever take one of them to heart, its not going to do anything but hurt you. You can't die of embarrassment, and people don't usually remember stupid little things, you just think they do.

I get nervous because of girls, classes, adults, just about anything... you can't avoid it. You just have to deal and move on.

The moment you start caring thats when you get screwed. So I continue, not caring, constant motion... using music to confirm feelings.

Taking a Break Against My Will...

So anyways, I've been writing this entry for 30 minutes, it was long, angry, and basically had I not just started over right here, I would have said 2 or 3 dozen things I would regret.

I'm just sort of frustrated right now, and everything is losing its luster for me. Stayed up talking with Amy and Lesley until after 5 this morning.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm tired of being put in the tool box.

Hask, sorry I've been a tool, I've been thinking irrationally as hell. You try to help me and I reject advice off hand.

Leap Day and Miserable Night

I no longer have the ability, or capacity rather, to pay attention or learn anything in class. I appear to pay attention, to listen to what they say and I am, I understand everything but comprehend nothing.

It makes classes miserable, I sit down in class, and fix an intense hawk-like stare at the minute hand on the clock, I hear every second tick.

I wait, for the class to end, unaware of anything that just happened, oblivious to homework or assignments, I just want to be out. I want to run. I'm a flighty person. Every day of my high school life I wanted to turn my car onto that freeway and drive, not caring about destination, just drive until I ran out of gas and money and that's where I would settle down.

The future is something that is impossible to plan for.

I'm down, melancholy...

Stuff in my life is different than how I want it, but I'm not brave enough... I lack the guts, courage, sand, whatever you want to call it, to rearrange it.
Because if I do even one thing wrong it blows up in my face... I'd almost rather leave it the way it is then what might happen, there's a million different ways it could end, but only 2 in my mind. And one of them would kill me (in a figurative sense).

So my life stays as it always has... a rowboat going over a waterfall. The rush is amazing though.

Maybe someday I'll wake up, feel refreshed and amazing, grab life by the throat with both hands and... everything will work out in the end.

Need to get ready for Comm now... Thanks for listening to me ramble, always helps to get my feelings out to some degree even if I've already shared the particular thought or feeling a hundred times before, it always helps.

Awkward and Dying for Sleep

What do you say? What do they say?

I hate the awkwardness, I want to fall asleep because when I'm asleep I don't think about it. You can't mess anything up if you're always asleep, unless its attendance.

Given the chance, and the right mindset, I'll screw over everything around me in a matter of minutes. But I keep trying to not screw up, try not to fail. I wish it was easy, but maybe if it was I wouldn't care about it, wouldn't want it, wouldn't appreciate it as much as it deserves.

But I can't sleep through it when I can't sleep. I go over everything in my mind, like looping a video over and over again. But I want it, every agonizing moment of it, because it's amazing. Amazing that for once I care about something.

I have changed, of that there is no doubt. No doubt in my mind or the people around me. Am I glad of the change? I don't know... we'll see.

depression...

Semester 2 Startup

Classes went good today, talked to Dirk Barram about switching majors, Have Vlad and Alex in 2 of my 3 M-W-F classes... but then I'm alone in Bible Survey, which is as boring as watching a stream of molasses ooze down a 15 degree incline....


Food is as terrible as I remember, it was nice sleeping in my bed again though. Hanging around with Big Dan, Sarah, Haskell, Bohl, and all the other Penn guys is always awesome.

Its amazing the clarity of vision when I wear my classes, its like looking at people through a blurred window... I have to recognize everyone all over again.

Everything feels so natural its like I never left at all. Like the last 3 weeks never happened, and I know that alot of people, myself included, wished that it didn't, in a way... I love being here, hate going to school here.

Went sprinting off across the grass covered my entire back with mud that kicked up offa my feet... soaked my white friggin Etnies in mud... but washed em pretty good I think... I trash my Etnies so fast.

Just means I'll have to do laundry a bit sooner than I thought. Need to get my books soon, just hate to see the money leave.

Well... Just gotta take it as it comes I suppose.

2 more classes tomorrow...


I just wish you could pause and live in the moment for a while...

Woke up at 7:31 this morning.

Rough and Ready You Son of a !@#$%

Anyways... I need... sleep... I owe Fox $560 bucks.. friggin lame... Feeling good though, way more happy than in recent memory, just happy for some reason. Good music, good mood, good food, good drink... I'm set...

And then in 24 hours I'll be in my room... surrounded in an aura of my awesomeness. Carrying around my little Bohl just like before the evil break from hell. Dan'll be back, everyone but that traitorous Ukrainian... but he'll get his...

I can't wait to be back in my own bed... my memory foam... hahaha...

Something else, I quit doing the "...." for a long time, but then I fazed back in, I don't even know why i started that in the first place. Its supposed to signify hesitation, but who thinks that when i use it like 5 times in a sentence.

I guess I'll talk to all of you tomorrow back in Penn.

Reap It

Battle Cry of "Back To The Dorms!"

I go back tomorrow and I got only one word to describe the feeling: Finally.

Been living with other people since I left, lived at my parents house, then at my brother apartment, now I get to return to my cell. Love it though I might, its still a cell. No use trying to dress it up with names that don't fit.

Back to friggin normal life, normal hassels, to the routine that I hate with ever fiber of my being but which is so much a part of me that without it I feel lost. How does society expect me to go from 16 years of classes everyday on a regular basis to nothing... to no rules... I'll lose my mind, society hasn't taught me to cope. So when the change comes I don't know what to do and turn instinctive, rage... rage turns into hatred, hatred to sullenness, and then to isolation.

That book got me to thinking... not good thoughts, kind of dissapointing things. Depressing.

Time to recede back into my thoughts.

Contemplation on Completion

I borrowed a book from Haskell last night and I do what I always do... devour it as fast as I can. So anyways... it was really good, more of a thought provoking read than I usually choose myself, but it was good. And now I have that "it's over" depression that I always get when I finish something... kind of like when you have a friend for years and then you turn your back and walk away. That's how it always goes, tv series, books, in some cases music. I'm left wanting, wanting to know what happened, if anything happened after.

And so sleep ensued, wrapping the young man in illusion, taking him to a place that he found safety, comfort, he felt home and more. But also a place that could convey the most frightening images imaginable... because it could read what he feared most and show him as reality. But he was brave and laid himself down, closed his eyes, feeling concealed in darkness, and relieved for his journey, the journey of life, of one more day of that life lived as best he knew how, over.

Like Everything Is In Balance

I feel good, first time in a couple weeks, I just feel amazing. I'm in a good mood, I haven't had any muscle pain or stiffness today, I'm perfect.

My last few posts haven't been that cheerful I realize, but like all things feelings pass.

So thats the way this post is gonna end, me feeling good. Good food cooking, good day passed and good evening coming on, I'm good and happy at the moment.

Happy Birthday Haskell. Them teen years are behind you now. No more of this uncertainty. Pick a path and run head long as fast as you can.

Depressed, listening to depressing music, avoiding people

Samson and Delilah... a biblical example of girls screwing over guys.

SlowTEC suffered because of Michelle just like I did. I don't understand how something pure and good like love can go so far amiss and turn into the must hurtful, seemingly evil thing ever devised.

As hard as I try... and believe me I do, it never works, and to plan for the future is like jinxing everything because it probably won't lead to anything even if something does happen.

But no matter how much the last time hurt, you can't stop. You can never stop, stopping is failure, its saying you aren't worth being loved or loving someone else.

And this is why we press on. This is why we try failure after failure, for the hope that just once, the scales get tipped in our favor by the big man upstairs.

The only other thought I have on the subject is that you should find a really hot girl, get her really drunk, and get her pregnant on the first try so she is stuck with you.

block

i do not really have anything to say i figure its been two days i should prolly put something alot of stuff has happened but i really do not know what to say or how to say it i went to omsi today and it was amazing it would take too much to describe so if you have been to omsi well you know otherwise you will just have to go and experience it for yourself i read part of one of my louis l'amours today and i am planning on reading more before sleep takes me i watched a movie with drew cary and kaylin then got home was really comfortable settling in feeling fulfilled i suppose for the first time in a long time when i get a phone call from lesley and she wants me to watch a movie at jana's with her amy alex aaron and some of her friends from high school i wasn't really into it but i figure why not i spent an entire semester going against everything i had known and socialized with people so i went and it was fun even though i may not have wanted to go and was irritated at the suggestion for some reason i am glad i did i am just really tired of everything all of a sudden and i cannot explain the feeling or the reason i just do not want to do anything i am stuck between what feels like obligations but i know that they are not i feel at a loss to describe things why i do things why i think the way i do like why did i just waste the effort the fuel to peel out through two gears in the penn parking lot did i have anything to prove no but why i cannot explain is a mystery too i think its mostly seeing people from penn again maybe makes me hesitant and i cannot explain why that would be so or even why that thought came into my head i have done alot of thinking about the future lately more so than probably a person my age ought to almost to the point where i quit living in the present which is never something a person should do i have dreams but do not remember them anymore nightmare or not the details are an immediate blur when i wake up living only a feeling when i woke up this morning i felt horrible like a pit of your stomach turns to lead horrible and i could not explain it and so this is how this will end with that kind of feeling the horrible insides turning to lead feeling

Shifting Passion into High Gear

Messing around with that Si last night has me so enthusiastic about cars again.

For the last couple months I've been getting out of the car craze, yeah they are nice to have to get you places but I was slowly growing out of the fast car dream...

But now it's back.

I wanna go blow all the money I have left on that car, make it faster. I didn't even race that kid in the Civic we were just playing cat-and-mouse/getaway from stop-light to stop-light on Murray. I had good music, NoTEC performed well, and I just had fun.

I think I'm gonna go get him washed and waxed today just as a reward.

Well, I guess all this planning for the car's future does give me something to do while everyone else is out doing stuff, Sarah's working, Vlad's working, who knows what Haskell and Eric are doing...

The speed was fantastic. I haven't driven like that since I got to Portland.

First things first... NoTEC needs a suspension tweak.

In other news... I just watched Grizzly Man... that guy was flippin insane. He was so off I couldn't even handle it.

I've had several things running through my mind lately, but I think we can let em wait for later date, eh?

Gonna go shower now... then... who knows... go crazy and black out

Time to Jazz Things Up a Bit, Eh?

First full day back in Oregon. Brother woke me up before 11... wouldn't let me go back to sleep. I got up, showered, and went to the Lucky F for some Chinese food. Something about Chinese food, for me Chinese food holds a feeling of laid-back movie-like nostalgia. It has a feeling that gives you well being...

Anyways, so I talked with Haskell a bit, went with my brother to Powell's books in Beaverton... got myself a few Louis L'Amour's to read. Setting myself up so I won't rot of boredom in the last few days of break.

After I got back from Powell's I talked to Haskell again. He asked me to go with him to Jimmy Mak's, since I'd never been I figured what the heck. And it was good, I really liked it. The music was good, different but good. Then afterwords Haskell took me to the Powell's in Portland... that place is enormous. It'd be sweet if I could stop time, sit down and just read books forever. That's one thing I regret, as a child, I should have spent more time reading books, I had the time and no responsibilities.

Then drove back to Haskell's Grandparents, he grabbed Hannah's car, and followed me back to Newberg to pick up Carey... had an interesting ride back though, took way less time, messed around with a kid with a Civic Si. The 96-98 model too... nice car. Needless to say it was stupid and incredibly bold of me, we hit speeds of better than 100 mph on NW Murray...

We got back to Newberg, stopped by Shari's had some hot chocolate and waited for Carey to show up.

Then I got back into my car and drove back to my brother's apartment.

So here I sit. The credits roll on The Ghost and the Darkness... and I am happy. I've been in a great mood since last night.

Until later my brethren, remember:

Life is no girls and broken cars. - Andrew Roache

This is my new motto for life.

After the fall...

Back in Oregon.

Boredom... for the first time since in a couple months I'm gonna watch some anime tonight and for the next few days. Got Chrno Crusade and Full Metal Panic!: The Second Raid, so now I have something to occupy my time, along with re-watching the Firefly series.

Somebody... come rescue me from boredom... if you try to IM me and I don't respond... I'm probably watching something on my laptop.

Sitting in my brother's apartment watching Batman Begins

My cellphone is on... you can always get me that way if its an emergency.