So Rachel is moving in with my family for the next couple weeks, her parents are leaving for Portland today and she needed a place to stay while she works.
You know what that means? I get pushed out of the bathroom even worse than I already am. I don't keep any of my stuff in there, it's like being at school still, I live out of a bag, but now I won't even be able to get in there... 2 girls dear Lord... I've had a brother who was almost as bad as a girl and a sister at the same time, but never 2 girls... this is going to be hell.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Great Depression Deepens
I drive home and the rain spatters on the windshield, I look at the switch for the wipers, but I don't have the drive to turn it, the road blurs, I see the huge yellow circles of headlights moving towards me in the other lane, if I hadn't driven this road twice a day since I got my license it might be a little freaky, but I can close my eyes and see the road. I know the bumps and potholes before I feel the car reach them, my mind is in total chaos... the guy I thought I knew is nothing how I thought, the girl either, it's like I'm meeting two people for the first time. I'm so uncomfortable with it, but what do I say? I wish I could just fade out like I did exactly a year ago... Is there anything left for me here? Why did I come back? Thoughts just keep entering my head, questions to which I don't have answers.
Have you ever felt like the last person on earth that still holds the same values or ideals? Not surprising since my moral code was peiced together from dime-store western novels... makes life a little interesting though.
I miss Sarah and Alex and Parker and Haskell and Bohl and Craig and Felix. I miss Nick and Andy.
You know, sometimes it feels like there is no place to go but up. And then the rock beneath you crumbles and you find yourself a little lower than you were. I was low. I mean low, lying on my stomach swallowing dust low. And then... the ground beneath me collapsed, so now it's dark, damp and I'm choking on mud.
I went to X3 to get myself happy again, a pick me up if you will. NO! The opposite, there are few things that have ended with me feeling more depressed. The actual ending to the Hulk comics being one (Where the Hulk roams the desolate landscape that used to be Earth and Bruce Banner dies so the Hulk can never change back or else he too will die. The Hulk is forever alone until the end of time. The End.)
I've read the X-men comics, I've watched the cartoon series, I know what really happens. That what keeps me going.
My friend Koda got back from Virginia recently... for two weeks I had no one. I went to work, came home, talked to Sarah, went to sleep, and the cycle repeats at this point. And now I have a friend again, two actually because he has a girlfriend and like it or not, she's sorta stuck with me hanging around. And I don't want any sort of thoughts like "Oh, Brad doesn't have any friends." You want to know something, I never wanted, and still don't want, more than a few good friends, unfortunately with that comes a shortage of people to do stuff with.
Andy and Nick were the best to do stuff with, they were always up to do anything. Koda is pretty open minded about stuff too, but at the same time, I'm not that comfortable with him. I've changed and he hasn't. Or at least he seems exactly the same, I mean he has a girlfriend so that's a bit different. The way he talks, the way he acts, all exactly how I remember it.
My life is a shell now. I may not have liked Fox alot, but you know something, there was always somebody to talk to or something to do. I didn't get along with a lot of people at that school, a few I was vocal about, and many I wasn't. But I was happier in the bubble with my Black roommate. I don't know if Alex knows it, but I consider him one of my best friends.
And I'm so far away from all of it, everything that I have grown to love and appreciate. Sarah, my friends, heck even that frickin retarded school that I loathe with every fiber of my being sometimes.
I'm back here, doing the same thing I was a year ago, the year before that, and the year before that. I'm hanging around with Koda again... and it seems like life is moving super fast... backwards.
I have dreams about being back there, and then I wake and it's gone, like smoke.
I walked out the theater sad, on the verge of weeping? No, not quite, but the kind of sad where I just want to go home and sleep for a few days. And Sarah is busy tonight so I didn't want to bother her so I went through the contacts on my cell phone, calling everyone, no answers from any of them. Making me feel even more alone. It's like I'm on an entirely different planet.
So now I'm sitting here and every few minutes my phone rings so currently. Haskell was the first call back, followed closely by Alex.
Life is slow progressing, ever day the same until you don't know how long it's been, how long it'll be, what's happening in the world you knew without you in it... I sit in the cab of my truck thinking all day, sometimes simply about the task at hand, but my mind wanders, daydreams.
I work all these random thoughts, think of all these different scenarios for how my life could end up, wish I had more ambition or more motivation to succeed. My life, in the physical aspect has been perfect for a very long time. Amazing girlfriend, nice family, nice house, nice car. I have a job, I go to a good school, get good grades, I rarely do anything that's frowned upon and I never get myself into trouble. But I'm spoiled. I used to be such a prick I can't even convey it to you in words, and no one has seen me at my worst. I'm controlled enough not to let my thoughts see daylight. But I'm getting better. Fox was good for me, Sarah was amazing for me. Working this summer is good for me too, no matter how miserable it is.
I apologize for the length of this post, as I said before I sit in a truck and think all day, and this is one of the few times I can just let the thoughts flow out in a torrent.
Have a good night.
Have you ever felt like the last person on earth that still holds the same values or ideals? Not surprising since my moral code was peiced together from dime-store western novels... makes life a little interesting though.
I miss Sarah and Alex and Parker and Haskell and Bohl and Craig and Felix. I miss Nick and Andy.
You know, sometimes it feels like there is no place to go but up. And then the rock beneath you crumbles and you find yourself a little lower than you were. I was low. I mean low, lying on my stomach swallowing dust low. And then... the ground beneath me collapsed, so now it's dark, damp and I'm choking on mud.
I went to X3 to get myself happy again, a pick me up if you will. NO! The opposite, there are few things that have ended with me feeling more depressed. The actual ending to the Hulk comics being one (Where the Hulk roams the desolate landscape that used to be Earth and Bruce Banner dies so the Hulk can never change back or else he too will die. The Hulk is forever alone until the end of time. The End.)
I've read the X-men comics, I've watched the cartoon series, I know what really happens. That what keeps me going.
My friend Koda got back from Virginia recently... for two weeks I had no one. I went to work, came home, talked to Sarah, went to sleep, and the cycle repeats at this point. And now I have a friend again, two actually because he has a girlfriend and like it or not, she's sorta stuck with me hanging around. And I don't want any sort of thoughts like "Oh, Brad doesn't have any friends." You want to know something, I never wanted, and still don't want, more than a few good friends, unfortunately with that comes a shortage of people to do stuff with.
Andy and Nick were the best to do stuff with, they were always up to do anything. Koda is pretty open minded about stuff too, but at the same time, I'm not that comfortable with him. I've changed and he hasn't. Or at least he seems exactly the same, I mean he has a girlfriend so that's a bit different. The way he talks, the way he acts, all exactly how I remember it.
My life is a shell now. I may not have liked Fox alot, but you know something, there was always somebody to talk to or something to do. I didn't get along with a lot of people at that school, a few I was vocal about, and many I wasn't. But I was happier in the bubble with my Black roommate. I don't know if Alex knows it, but I consider him one of my best friends.
And I'm so far away from all of it, everything that I have grown to love and appreciate. Sarah, my friends, heck even that frickin retarded school that I loathe with every fiber of my being sometimes.
I'm back here, doing the same thing I was a year ago, the year before that, and the year before that. I'm hanging around with Koda again... and it seems like life is moving super fast... backwards.
I have dreams about being back there, and then I wake and it's gone, like smoke.
I walked out the theater sad, on the verge of weeping? No, not quite, but the kind of sad where I just want to go home and sleep for a few days. And Sarah is busy tonight so I didn't want to bother her so I went through the contacts on my cell phone, calling everyone, no answers from any of them. Making me feel even more alone. It's like I'm on an entirely different planet.
So now I'm sitting here and every few minutes my phone rings so currently. Haskell was the first call back, followed closely by Alex.
Life is slow progressing, ever day the same until you don't know how long it's been, how long it'll be, what's happening in the world you knew without you in it... I sit in the cab of my truck thinking all day, sometimes simply about the task at hand, but my mind wanders, daydreams.
I work all these random thoughts, think of all these different scenarios for how my life could end up, wish I had more ambition or more motivation to succeed. My life, in the physical aspect has been perfect for a very long time. Amazing girlfriend, nice family, nice house, nice car. I have a job, I go to a good school, get good grades, I rarely do anything that's frowned upon and I never get myself into trouble. But I'm spoiled. I used to be such a prick I can't even convey it to you in words, and no one has seen me at my worst. I'm controlled enough not to let my thoughts see daylight. But I'm getting better. Fox was good for me, Sarah was amazing for me. Working this summer is good for me too, no matter how miserable it is.
I apologize for the length of this post, as I said before I sit in a truck and think all day, and this is one of the few times I can just let the thoughts flow out in a torrent.
Have a good night.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
The Worst Day in Memory
Nicklaus and Andy, you are the only two people that fully realize what I am about to explain.
"It's too stressful." Is what Nick said when I asked him why he quit driving for my dad. And I fully understood. Remember when Mike used to walk into his room after getting beaten at MLB 2K6 for the 10th time in a row on the easy setting and start throwing stuff at all the walls and making alot of noise? Well somedays, I feel like doing the same thing.
The day starts fine, nothing wrong, everything is boring and smooth. And then the problems start. We were supposed to be done chopping, Steve was supposed to take over, but he broke down again, so we get our chopper out into the field and we turn it on and we blow out the fuse for the header controls. Okay, we replace the fuse, and then blow it again. Chopper is out of commission for now. Steve's chopper is running again so we go again, I load and head into the pit, I back up to the pile hit the PTO switch and... nothing. PTO doesn't engage. Suck. I call my dad and he drives up and after messing with the wiring for the PTO he finally gets it running again, the power wire had a break in it so we fixed it. We thought good, problem solved. We back the truck up to the pile again and it starts unloading and then the gate starts coming off with the load. Crap! We turn off the PTO and slowly drive away from the pile. The gate has sheared off all but the bottom bolt on the side of the gat, it's barely hanging on the passenger side. We grab the loader and nudge it back into place, the loader shuts off and the loader starts rolling backwards. No brakes or steering while the engine isn't running. And it starts rolling straight backward right into my dad's pickup. Are you kidding me? What else can go wrong honestly? So after a long string of obscenities we grab the ladder and use the come-along and get it back into place so we can set a second bolt in it. Just enough so we can get it unloaded and driven back to park it. And that is how the day ended... friggin a load of crap.
I... hate it. It's friggin stressful. you are constantly worried about breaking it or something happening... and it sucks.
It's days like these that I wish I hadn't come back home. You know what Nick? It is stressful, but I didn't want you to quit because misery loves company, and once you left I didn't have anyone to sit around and talk about how bad life sucked with anymore.
I'm pissed off all day because it's dirty, I smell like the frickin dairy, It's hot, I have a headeache because it's so frickin bright that it's like the surface of the sun, and I'm tired. I've been driving for 9 hours and my back hurts, and my legs hurt, and my arms are tired of cranking that wheel, I just want to shoot someone.
Such is life... or mine at least.
"It's too stressful." Is what Nick said when I asked him why he quit driving for my dad. And I fully understood. Remember when Mike used to walk into his room after getting beaten at MLB 2K6 for the 10th time in a row on the easy setting and start throwing stuff at all the walls and making alot of noise? Well somedays, I feel like doing the same thing.
The day starts fine, nothing wrong, everything is boring and smooth. And then the problems start. We were supposed to be done chopping, Steve was supposed to take over, but he broke down again, so we get our chopper out into the field and we turn it on and we blow out the fuse for the header controls. Okay, we replace the fuse, and then blow it again. Chopper is out of commission for now. Steve's chopper is running again so we go again, I load and head into the pit, I back up to the pile hit the PTO switch and... nothing. PTO doesn't engage. Suck. I call my dad and he drives up and after messing with the wiring for the PTO he finally gets it running again, the power wire had a break in it so we fixed it. We thought good, problem solved. We back the truck up to the pile again and it starts unloading and then the gate starts coming off with the load. Crap! We turn off the PTO and slowly drive away from the pile. The gate has sheared off all but the bottom bolt on the side of the gat, it's barely hanging on the passenger side. We grab the loader and nudge it back into place, the loader shuts off and the loader starts rolling backwards. No brakes or steering while the engine isn't running. And it starts rolling straight backward right into my dad's pickup. Are you kidding me? What else can go wrong honestly? So after a long string of obscenities we grab the ladder and use the come-along and get it back into place so we can set a second bolt in it. Just enough so we can get it unloaded and driven back to park it. And that is how the day ended... friggin a load of crap.
I... hate it. It's friggin stressful. you are constantly worried about breaking it or something happening... and it sucks.
It's days like these that I wish I hadn't come back home. You know what Nick? It is stressful, but I didn't want you to quit because misery loves company, and once you left I didn't have anyone to sit around and talk about how bad life sucked with anymore.
I'm pissed off all day because it's dirty, I smell like the frickin dairy, It's hot, I have a headeache because it's so frickin bright that it's like the surface of the sun, and I'm tired. I've been driving for 9 hours and my back hurts, and my legs hurt, and my arms are tired of cranking that wheel, I just want to shoot someone.
Such is life... or mine at least.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Always having to start over at the end...
I have a problem coping with the end of things, the end of books, tv shows, movies... I don't want them to end, I invest so much of myself into those things that when they end it does feel like a person I'm atually friends with has died, because I will never see or read about them again... they are, for all intents and purposes, dead.
The Da Vinci Code is an amazing book, no wonder it sparks so much controversy, it makes you want to believe what it's saying. You feel so much natural kinship to Langdon that you automatically want to just go with him in everything, you want it to be real.
So now it has ended, and I'm depressed... I love books, I love reading, it stems from a deep burning hunger for knowledge. Something that has been ever present as long as I can remember, I love to learn new things, trivial knowledge is my forte.
And within that trivial knowledge I find self-purpose. I know more about Star Wars than anyone I've ever met save Andy and Nick. And as geeky and nerdy as that is, I feel a sense of pride at that.
The purpose that I've chosen for myself is as a Protector of Trivial Knowledge, of the not so common conception of thought.
And now, with a somewhat depressed outlook on my day as a whole, I continue on, for the acquisition of knowledge is never ending.
The Da Vinci Code is an amazing book, no wonder it sparks so much controversy, it makes you want to believe what it's saying. You feel so much natural kinship to Langdon that you automatically want to just go with him in everything, you want it to be real.
So now it has ended, and I'm depressed... I love books, I love reading, it stems from a deep burning hunger for knowledge. Something that has been ever present as long as I can remember, I love to learn new things, trivial knowledge is my forte.
And within that trivial knowledge I find self-purpose. I know more about Star Wars than anyone I've ever met save Andy and Nick. And as geeky and nerdy as that is, I feel a sense of pride at that.
The purpose that I've chosen for myself is as a Protector of Trivial Knowledge, of the not so common conception of thought.
And now, with a somewhat depressed outlook on my day as a whole, I continue on, for the acquisition of knowledge is never ending.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Gnawing inside...
Why am I so lonely?
I mean I'm always around people and I'm still lonely.
It's like constantly eating but starving.
I mean I'm always around people and I'm still lonely.
It's like constantly eating but starving.
Thunder and lightning outside and in my head...
So... let's run through how fantastic life is shall we?
It's hot, I'm in the middle of a dairy and I'm miserable... all day.
I've been having to work on my sister's homework so she can pass her stinkin classes.
On one drive through Jerome, I get hit almost a dozen times... that's how bad driver's are here.
I don't have any friends here, Nick and Andy went back to California, Sarah is in Oregon, and Koda is in Limbo for all I know...
Oh well...
I know that I have emotional extremes... I'm either super happy or super depressed, and lately life has been nothing but depressing.
It's like a hardcore overcast day, but every once in a while the sun breaks through for a few moments. That is how my life feels.
You want to know how depressed I am? I don't have dreams anymore. When I sleep I just close my eyes and then I open them again, feeling as tired as I did what seemed like only a moment before. But I don't have dreams as in life goals anymore either... I had some a week ago and now whenever I think about them I realize that I am done with them.
I can't game because I don't have time, I get to play maybe an hour or two a day if I'm lucky.
A little less than a year ago I got to George Fox, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't have any friends at Fox, I knew Haskell a little bit and I'd talked to Bohl and James before but... I was so sure that I was going to live in misery. I promised Andy that I wouldn't change, I told Koda that I was already as socially advanced as I would ever need to be.
I did change. Though the changes were so slow progressing that I can't discern myself now from myself then (besides some topical obvious ones).
I went to Fox hopeless. Lost. I went to Fox because my brother went to Fox, that's as little thought that went into the choosing process for me. I was only concerned about getting out of Jerome and having enough success to return in triumph a few years down the road and smear their white trash redneck faces in it...
Funny how life turns out. How what seemed like my ultimate goal wasn't really a goal at all but a revenge for some wrong that they had done me over the years. But you can't hold grudges liek that, and you can't be so rash, or so violent. Everytime I see a problematic situation my mind instictively leaps to a physical way of solving the matter... but when was the last time I actually resorted to a physical method? Obviously long enough ago that I forgot how much it hurts or there's no way I would be even thinking about it...
I was so burned out on life when I got to Fox... so ready for anything new, just for something new.
I never had to give my life story, I've never had to share so many things... I've never been able to tell an unbiased story though either so it would have ended up being "Bradley the Magnificent: An Autobiography."
I'm sorry for whoever has to read this... it's long and without end, just like in real life, there is no resolution so you can sleep easier at night.
Most of this is just coming from a guy who is nearly cut off... if not for technology I might not even exist... from a guy who is away from his girlfriend and from his best friends.
He sits in front of his computer for a couple hours everyday dreaming of being with any one of the people he cares about, just thinking about what they are doing at that exact instant. He closes his eyes with thoughts of his loved ones, opens them with the same thoughts renewed, and spends his light hours in a neverending daydream of memory. Sometimes in dreams of the future, but they feel so empty to him...
I don't even know where I was going, thoughts in my head are pretty chaotic right now... sorry to burden anyone else.
Have a good night.
It's hot, I'm in the middle of a dairy and I'm miserable... all day.
I've been having to work on my sister's homework so she can pass her stinkin classes.
On one drive through Jerome, I get hit almost a dozen times... that's how bad driver's are here.
I don't have any friends here, Nick and Andy went back to California, Sarah is in Oregon, and Koda is in Limbo for all I know...
Oh well...
I know that I have emotional extremes... I'm either super happy or super depressed, and lately life has been nothing but depressing.
It's like a hardcore overcast day, but every once in a while the sun breaks through for a few moments. That is how my life feels.
You want to know how depressed I am? I don't have dreams anymore. When I sleep I just close my eyes and then I open them again, feeling as tired as I did what seemed like only a moment before. But I don't have dreams as in life goals anymore either... I had some a week ago and now whenever I think about them I realize that I am done with them.
I can't game because I don't have time, I get to play maybe an hour or two a day if I'm lucky.
A little less than a year ago I got to George Fox, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't have any friends at Fox, I knew Haskell a little bit and I'd talked to Bohl and James before but... I was so sure that I was going to live in misery. I promised Andy that I wouldn't change, I told Koda that I was already as socially advanced as I would ever need to be.
I did change. Though the changes were so slow progressing that I can't discern myself now from myself then (besides some topical obvious ones).
I went to Fox hopeless. Lost. I went to Fox because my brother went to Fox, that's as little thought that went into the choosing process for me. I was only concerned about getting out of Jerome and having enough success to return in triumph a few years down the road and smear their white trash redneck faces in it...
Funny how life turns out. How what seemed like my ultimate goal wasn't really a goal at all but a revenge for some wrong that they had done me over the years. But you can't hold grudges liek that, and you can't be so rash, or so violent. Everytime I see a problematic situation my mind instictively leaps to a physical way of solving the matter... but when was the last time I actually resorted to a physical method? Obviously long enough ago that I forgot how much it hurts or there's no way I would be even thinking about it...
I was so burned out on life when I got to Fox... so ready for anything new, just for something new.
I never had to give my life story, I've never had to share so many things... I've never been able to tell an unbiased story though either so it would have ended up being "Bradley the Magnificent: An Autobiography."
I'm sorry for whoever has to read this... it's long and without end, just like in real life, there is no resolution so you can sleep easier at night.
Most of this is just coming from a guy who is nearly cut off... if not for technology I might not even exist... from a guy who is away from his girlfriend and from his best friends.
He sits in front of his computer for a couple hours everyday dreaming of being with any one of the people he cares about, just thinking about what they are doing at that exact instant. He closes his eyes with thoughts of his loved ones, opens them with the same thoughts renewed, and spends his light hours in a neverending daydream of memory. Sometimes in dreams of the future, but they feel so empty to him...
I don't even know where I was going, thoughts in my head are pretty chaotic right now... sorry to burden anyone else.
Have a good night.
Monday, May 08, 2006
The rest of my life is going to be this crappy? Suck...
I'm a business major, sort of, but what's my goal? What am I going to do? I have no frickin clue.
I want to work on cars, sell cars, wash cars, be a pump man at a gas station... I don't care! I just want to do something with cars, because they are about the only things that make me happy.
What kind of life am I going to be leading?
Is it wrong that my dreams make me discouraged? No matter how much I want it, I'll never be in a position to do it, won't have the money, knowledge, credibility, experience, help, whatever... something always keeps me from it.
Such is life... well to be more specific such is my life... and Andy's life...
Maybe someday we can turn it around. Pray for us... because there ain't no other way... we tried everything else... and failed.
I want to work on cars, sell cars, wash cars, be a pump man at a gas station... I don't care! I just want to do something with cars, because they are about the only things that make me happy.
What kind of life am I going to be leading?
Is it wrong that my dreams make me discouraged? No matter how much I want it, I'll never be in a position to do it, won't have the money, knowledge, credibility, experience, help, whatever... something always keeps me from it.
Such is life... well to be more specific such is my life... and Andy's life...
Maybe someday we can turn it around. Pray for us... because there ain't no other way... we tried everything else... and failed.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Monday the 1st of May
So... my mom and sister are scrambling to ready themselves so they can get on the road to Boise... I'm just kickin' back... I waited until they started screaming, quickly packed and loaded my meager luggage in the Jeep just under 3 minutes. Am I good? I'm good.
So now they are still yelling at each other and I'm as a leaf on the wind... I'm just floating you know? hahaha
It's my parents anniversary today. Married 24 years today. But it's also the night of my Grandfather's viewing... so that's a heckuva way to spend an anniversary.
I still need to hit the mall in Boise... I need a black belt, black socks, a black shirt, and a black tie... so basically I need everything... frickin a...
And in other news:
I've started playing Star Wars Galaxies again... and it feels amazing. I'm still getting used to the feel of the game revamp... but I like some of the new stuff... though I hate alot of things. But I guess I have to stop living in the past.
Feels good to be back in Idaho. It's so easy to get around and do stuff compared to Portland... and everything is cheaper too...
Goodbye Urban... Hello Rural
I drove the Bronco this morning it was really nice, and it's friggin hot here... like 80s and such...
Oh well, I'll catch you guys on the flipside, maybe I'll update it from my hotel room tonight.
Who knows?
So now they are still yelling at each other and I'm as a leaf on the wind... I'm just floating you know? hahaha
It's my parents anniversary today. Married 24 years today. But it's also the night of my Grandfather's viewing... so that's a heckuva way to spend an anniversary.
I still need to hit the mall in Boise... I need a black belt, black socks, a black shirt, and a black tie... so basically I need everything... frickin a...
And in other news:
I've started playing Star Wars Galaxies again... and it feels amazing. I'm still getting used to the feel of the game revamp... but I like some of the new stuff... though I hate alot of things. But I guess I have to stop living in the past.
Feels good to be back in Idaho. It's so easy to get around and do stuff compared to Portland... and everything is cheaper too...
Goodbye Urban... Hello Rural
I drove the Bronco this morning it was really nice, and it's friggin hot here... like 80s and such...
Oh well, I'll catch you guys on the flipside, maybe I'll update it from my hotel room tonight.
Who knows?
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