You want a rant? I'll give you a rant!

I hate it when people won't just put their foot down... on either side of the line. You can't straddle the line forever.

You are either with me or against me, it's that easy, you aren't half with me, you are kinda with you, you are all with me or all against me.

Some moron walks up and starts talking to me like we're friends, we aren't friends... we aren't friends at all. I don't want him talking to me, I don't want to acknowledge his existence. He's cretin. And either you agree with me and don't like him too, or you can pick him over me, that's your choice, but you don't get to have both.

You can't be my friend and be the friend of the person I hate.

But it seems like everyone wants to straddle that line. Tell me this... when they all graduate next year and you are looking for someone to live with... where are your friends going to be? Who knows I'm not one of them. You chose them over me, you wanted to belong so you looked past the faults, you didn't want to lose any connections so you make excuses for their wrongdoings, you know them better than me so you are willing to be their friend instead of mine, even though you don't agree with anything they do or say or the way they act.

Explain that to me geniuses? Explain that you freakin private school kids? Where is the logic in that? This isn't a "Jesus ministered to the corrupt" situation, because you aren't trying to show him Christ, you just aren't willing to leave a ghost town. Everyone else already moved on, but you think it matters, you hold to it like it's all you've got, you could move on, belong to something new.

I'm so sick of this, he's a stalker, "yeah but, that's not that bad, lots of guys are like that..." No they aren't you moron, that isn't acceptable... why do you let believe him over me? YOU ARE A MORON

You all seem to believe him over me, what a suicidal idiot claims you believe like there is no other truth...

I'm tired of all of you.

New Goals

So I usually don't set goals because of a more than likely chance that they will never come to fruition.

But here goes: By the end of the 2007-2008 school year I want to have:

• Level 70 Paladin in World of Warcraft
• Near straight A's (I'll accept 1 B per semester)
• Attainment of a job (This one's a long shot)
• I want to have properly budgeted my lifestyle for the entirety of the school year (Even longer shot)
• And for good measure let's go ahead and go with: Being a better person in general.

Where I currently stand with those goals:

• Level 55 Paladin in World of Warcraft (Only 15 to go!)
• Already doing the near straight A's deal, got 1 B last semester (But 1 out of 6 ain't bad at a school like Fox)
• No progress on the job front, I'm not in Oregon yet so job hunting is difficult
• Never been able to hold to a budget in my life (Hence it been a very long shot)
• I'm already pretty awesome, I just have to kick it up a notch!

So yeah... that's it for now.

Harry Potter... for the last time.

I am sad. I'm not going to lie. I love reading books, stand alone, trilogy, or series. I love getting lost into character, letting my overactive(and hyperactive) imagination get lost and blurring the line of reality to the point where I begin to believe it may be real. I'm good at it, I've been doing it since I was little, it's why I'm so extreme about everything, I make my whole life about a single thing and become a fanatic. Like my secret desires to kidnap George Lucas and have him tell me Star Wars bedtime stories forever... that kind of thing. I just don't want the world that I've immersed myself into, the world that I feel like I've become a part of... to end.

And there begins my sadness. As I was telling Whatafreak over the phone not 2 hours ago, I feel like I have no direction now, for the last decade of my life, half of my life, there has been a new Harry Potter book shelled out every year and a half to two years. No more. Never again. Never again will Harry be a friend to comfort me. I can reread his pages, but his story doesn't go on. I always have a hard time imagining past the last page of a book, I feel it's a crime, it's stealing, to run away with someone else's story. So basically it is as if Harry has died. There were a lot of times growing up when I felt alone like Harry did in the book, like I was just me against everything else, and it gave me something to believe in, it gave me an example of courage and strength and similarity. It let me know that I wasn't alone, there were others like me, geeky, outcast, abnormal, and they too had their own world to belong to, their own adventures.

I really do feel as if I just spent the last 10 years with a person, really knowing a person, fictional or not, and now he's gone, it's like loosing an amazing friend. Whoever reads this can laugh if they want, they can call me a retard, idiot, pansy, what have you. But I'm not joking, I'm not trying to make you smile or chuckle or be a clown. I just have a hard time letting go. And it hurts to let go. And it sucks knowing that every book I read and every movie I watch, will end. And I know that every time I read a book or what a movie, I will get attached to the characters, feel their pains, be frustrated at their struggles, laugh with them, cry with them... it's a difficult thing for a child to endure for his entire life, all of the attachments and the endings and feeling that every time the book closing or the credits roll, he just lost a friend he trusted and believed in. And I must say, it puts in me the thought of never reading another book, never watching another movie, never getting involved with people because even in the real world, the one I seek to avoid by submerging myself in that wonderful world of fantasy and fiction, everyone I know, trust, believe in, and love... they will all go too someday.

Do I dare attach myself and set myself up for the eventual breakdown of my existence? Or do I distance myself from everyone and everything that I love and take pride in? It's a difficult question.

I often feel that I'm missing something, I feel like a hero that lost his villain, I don't understand my purpose but I feel like I'm missing something, some integral clue or plot point that should be pointing me down the correct path... I want power, the power to change people, to help people, to fight for something I believe in. I want to be a hero, but it seems that in this day and age, there's so much gray area that a true black villain no longer exists, there's good and bad. An evil businessman may employ an honest man... shutting down the businessman ends the honest man's ability to support his family... there are no evil men surrounded by other evil men, there is good and bad to everything it seems.

I wish that life were easier, simpler, more black and white. I wish that I was more realistic or cold. I wish that emotions didn't grab a hold of me so easily. I wish that I wasn't so weak willed.

I want badly to be a writer, though writing is my weakest skill, funny how life goes. But I don't want to write for profit or fame, I wish to write to finally complete one of the ideas that is clanking around in my ill-shaped head. My thoughts are so chaotic and in some cases tainted with other ideas I've heard or read, that organizing them and writing them down is the most ridiculously daunting task. I don't have the mental fortitude to complete a task such as that. And I would much prefer a collaboration on a work, create something with a friend, but my friends are never around when the desire strikes, nor would I care to waste the precious time I had with them on a pursuit such as that.

Maybe it's just due to my age. Maybe that's the empty feeling is just that so much of my life has yet to be lived, yet to be completed. Maybe my life is like when I was watching Windows XP install on the computer I built for the first time, it's sitting at 22% and I'm just sitting waiting for the bars to fill up so I can boot it up for the first time, maybe I'll get the same rush of pride I felt then, maybe I'll feel it complete and know that my life is over... that would be an odd sensation.

My life has drastically changed in just a few short years. I went from this pudgy young kid, knowing he was different from other people, that he didn't belong, that he wasn't normal, to a teenager who preferred to spend more time with books and computers than with people, to finding two of the most amazing friends in Whatafreak and Nicklaus, to going to a university on a whim because my brother went there and I didn't feel like filling out other applications, to meeting the most beautiful, dark-haired girl, to falling in love, and slowly start watching my past slowly crumble away, Whatafreak and Nicklaus move away, not feeling at home at home anymore, and uncertainty about my own future, and then this void was created... this huge terrible empty feeling... I once thought of myself as a smart person. My entire life people told me I was gifted, talented, not living up to my potential. And I was afraid to try... I didn't want to try my hardest and then realize that I wasn't as smart as I was made out to be. I am certain that I am glad I got away from here, else I'd end like Koda is now, struggling to make ends without any kind of a future in site...

I just don't know to go frankly. I want to get my next semester's books so I can begin studying, I want to try. I want to figure all of this out. I want to see what that last 4/5 of my life is going to be like...

There's so much that is riding around on my shoulders these days, so many thoughts haven't finished thinking themselves out, so many beginnings without endings... So many endings that I miss dearly. So many things that have come and gone and left me alone. What is left of me?

Block Off Plate

It's finally on. I was going to change the oil today but went with my brother to Boise to help his girlfriend with her car (which we weren't able to do anything about after all), so I haven't gotten around to it yet.

So yeah... that's about it for today...

I hope you're feeling better this afternoon, Sarah.

Captain's Log Stardate 070718.539

So, my brother built my block off plate... out of 1/4 inch steel. It's thicker than my engine block sidewalls. I bought gasket paper and cut out a gasket for it and now I just have to go back to the shop tonight and bolt it into place, drain the oil/gas it has sitting in it right now, and refill with the thicker 20W Pennzoil that's sitting next to it, and then I am going to replace the gaskets that are also sitting on the bench next to it.

Sarah, I hope you feel better honey, I love you so much. I miss you sweetie.

Append to Previous

• Unfortunately do to some unfortunate sizing issues and the unwillingness of companies to produce products for Toyota's read headed stepchild that is the 4A-C engine, my older brother is fabricating me a fuel block of plate.
• I'm still waiting for that paycheck and it's grown some.
• I got to spend all of 4th of July and even most of the week following with Sarah.
• She loved her surprise.
• Still deciding on the Electric Fuel Pump and Electric Fan I want to purchase.
• Still waiting to get the block off plate on so I can drain the oil and run the heavier weight stuff through.
• Haven't called the transportation department. (Want it to be running before I proceed.)
• And I still need to check on getting some upholstery work done on it.
  

I am also working on getting a few of my dad's trucks painted.

And it's been really hot and crappy lately, but anyways, talk to you all later.

Just a few things.

• My fuel pump block off plate is due in at V & M tomorrow.
  
• I have a paycheck coming soon.
  
• I get to spend most of the 4th of July with Sarah.
• Been working on a surprise for her, hopefully I get it planned and finished in time
• I need to get the electric fuel pump ($42) and the F.A.L. Electric Fan ordered ($75-$100).
• After I get the block off plate put on I need to drain the oil, replace the oil filter and give it heavier 20W oil to see if it'll smooth it out at all.
• I need to call the Transportation Department about the title.
• I need to check with some upholstery guys about getting the seats redone, and then I'm going to start scouring junk yards in Portland for similar cars for some parts.

That's about it. I need to figure out where I'm sleeping in Portland in the next few days as well... dangit...

AE86 Dream Come True...

Hello the few that view this. My name is SlowTEC and this is my dream:

This is a 1984 Toyota Corolla SR5 Hatchback. In Japan, it's the equivalent to the 85, powered by a carbureted 1.6L SOHC 8-Valve 4A-C engine.

I rescued this car, it was a tragic story of an automobile headed for the crusher on trumped up charges of not being wanted... a lie simple and pure. But I found him. A diamond among dirt clods.

For as long as I've been into cars, and I'm afraid to say, my spurring into post 1970s automobiles was Fast and the Furious, though I have progressed since, so don't be afraid that I'm going to double clutch my Integra or my Corolla.

Now, let's talk about the car. The 4A-C creates over 70 horsepower, however, only 60 horsepower reach the wheels. Compared to the 4A-GE in the GT-S that puts nearly 100 horsepower to the road. But it can be brought to that level, and I don't see a reason why you should throw out a the car's engine, it's heart, it's soul, for the simple fact of wanting to be Mr. Dorifto.

The car's engine can be brought up to the GT-S performance with mild modification. Paradise Racing makes a 4A-C Power Pack that comes with a Weber 32/36 Downdraft carb, specially ground Schneider Camshaft, and double valve springs all for $650. And that should be enough to raise the cars performance considerably. And since I'm in Idaho where emissions laws aren't spoken of, I can issue black smoke out the exhaust in voluminous amounts and no one could care less.

The suspension can be set up on my SR5 the same as it could on the GT-S, so my car has the potential of identical handling and with the addition of a complete GT-S rear end in the car, I could have the rear-wheel disc brakes, LSD, and higher rear end gears.

Headers were made for the engine at one time, however because of lack of demand the company, S&S, stopped production, so headers are non-existent for this engine, unless you want to have your own made or are lucky enough to find some used S&S headers that someone is selling.

In the long run, I'd like to get the head ported and polished, get some upgraded pistons and rods, just beef this thing. It's all about enabling. Why would I want to change the car's engine, it's very personality, when it could run like a scalded cat with a little help?

And as far as aesthetically, I'm going to get the damaged interior panels and tears in the vinyl from sitting in the sun for too long replaced. Get the seats reupholstered, repaint the car in it's original paint scheme, Silver/Black, and just get this car back to it's former glory. It feels so good to set in and in the short times I've driven it, I've been in heaven.

I officially love this car. I can't wait to have kids so they can underestimate it in 16 years, haha.

It's exciting to see the beginning of construction of this car. Money permitting it should all be complete in a year or two.

That's all for now. Thank you.

May, Year 20, Current Status:

So I got off work early, we didn't drive today, just did some mechanic work... came home, showered, and as I started to get dressed pulled on my headphones and flipped on a song I had but hadn't listened to, called Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top. I tell you what, any guy who has ever dressed up for anything in his entire life, be it any sort of social event, should be listening to that song as he got ready, that'll get you jacked up about whatever it is your about to do.

I have to drive tomorrow again, I want to do something tonight to relax before tomorrow, but there isn't anything, I don't like going to movies or watching TV because your time just disappears into the abyss that is the right side of your brain when you do that. If the only way to slow down time is to stare at the clock so be it, but I want it to slow down.

It's a strange thing waiting on a paycheck, I have MADE a lot of money, I don't have any of it yet, but I guess that helps keep me from spending.

Other than that, I need to go shave and comb my hair a load of other stuff.

Later...

Frustration

Do you even know the meaning of true frustration? Frustration is knowing that the car you've always wanted is 10 miles away and not being able to do anything about it because you've been an idiot in the past...

Frustration is being 600 miles from the person you love more than anything because you are too much of a pansy to get a job back there...

Frustration is the definition of my life, when you have a comparable situation let me know... (Andy you need not apply, it's like the episode of Seinfeld where the survivor of the Titanic is crying because George told his life life story, that's like your frustrations compared to mine)

Putting the me back in Country...

I'm 2 decades old. I'm in my 20's now. Is it weird to feel nostalgic for a time period when I wasn't even born? Homesick for a place I've never been? I feel like a farm kid. I've spent days picking rock, I've spent most of my childhood around tractors and farm implements... my mom's family are cowboys, but I'm not them... I'm a Paulin. Paulin's are farmers. We are hardworking and blue-collar... have you ever felt that by getting an education you are betraying your family's history... the way your family is. We are a content people, we belong with other blue-collar people... down-to-Earth working people, not scholars... It's great that my grandparents and my parents want more for me, but that's not where my heart pulls. I dream of fields of hay, corn, grain... fields green as far as the eye can see, so far that the waving ocean of green meets the blue, white clouded sky.

I am a driver. My grandfather was a driver, he drove old Mercury's, he drove milk trucks, he was a tank driver in the Korean War, my father drove muscle-cars, hopped up trucks, silage trucks, and I feel a pull to cars, they speak to me... it's like a religious feeling. The closest I feel to God is driving down a road or being in the country. It's because I know I'm as close to heaven as I'll be on Earth.

The beliefs are stronger here. The people are better. I belong here, I understand this place. Portland, coffee other than black with cream and sugar, even the small import cars I'm fond of, feel totally out of place with me sometimes...

I've been wearing a John Deere hat constantly for the last week... And I find myself singing "Small Town" in my head while I drive...

"Well I was born in a small town
And I live in a small town
Probly die in a small town
Oh, those small communities

All my friends are so small town
My parents live in the same small town
My job is so small town
Provides little opportunity

Educated in a small town
Taught the fear of jesus in a small town
Used to daydream in that small town
Another boring romantic thats me

But Ive seen it all in a small town
Had myself a ball in a small town
Married an LA doll and brought her to this small town
Now shes small town just like me

No I cannot forget where it is that I come from
I cannot forget the people who love me
Yeah, I can be myself here in this small town
And people let me be just what I want to be

Got nothing against a big town
Still hayseed enough to say
Look whos in the big town
But my bed is in a small town
Oh, and thats good enough for me

Well I was born in a small town
And I can breathe in a small town
Gonna die in this small town
And thats probly where theyll bury me"

That's all, Happy Birthday to me...

Back in Idaho Part 2.86

So I am working again, and it's hot outside and I'm tired.

But I worked all day and I made money and now I'm tired and showered and feeling like relaxing for a few hours, I was thinking about going into town and buying something to make for dinner, but thought better of it, I'm too tired, I'm just going to laze around for a bit and then start getting ready for bed.

And that's the end of Day 1.

I worked, drove home, showered, and now I have 6 hours until I have to sleep again.

Talk to you later, have a good evening.

The End #2

It's the last week of my second year of college. Think about what I've lived through in the last 2 years. I've met dozens of people, fell in love with friends and THE girl. I've met some amazing people, one I'm sitting next right next to as I type, David Way, a genius, unkempt just like every one before him, with a mind that frankly astounds me, he just... knows everything. David is going to be gone next year, he's done, after 5 years, and I only counting him as a friend for one of them, he's going off to make his mark on the world. Parker is gone, he was only here for a year, probably the best year of my life, and then he was gone. My roommates this year, though at times they have bothered me, I've lived with them, shared 5% of my life with them, 10% if you count last year. Joe is gone now. I have memories of walking into my suite after walking down to her room at night, and even though it was 11, Joe would be there, WoW loaded on his laptop, Fox would be asleep, like always, by this late, but Joe would be there. It was like clockwork. It's like a summer memory, it's a warm memory.

In 3 days, George'll be gone. And that'll be the end of that chapter of my life, the Sutton chapter. Will I see George this much ever again? He was a roommate, quirky, but caring. And the next chapter will start, and to be honest, I'm not sure how it will go. Joe was overly opinionated, George under. It was a weird grouping of people, a thrown together situation because we were the rejects that no one else wanted to live with, so we got together, the way rejects do, and formed something out of nothing.

I've been dating the girl that I'm going to marry for over a year, 15 months now.

Andy and Nick are gone. Back to California, Koda is getting married. Slowly it seems like the fabric of my life is starting to pull apart the seams and separate.

Craig is graduating and going back home, it's like I can start to see the finish line myself and know that I'll have to provide for myself and for her, and there's a lot of growth and understanding that is going to have to happen before then.

Alex was thinking of moving to Arizona, but now he's talking of sticking around and going to PSU. But that was nearly one more relationship gone.

Haskell is living with me next year, Haskell, Chris, and Brian. Three more people I have a chance to know, to get closer to. Life is all about relationships Van Wilder once said, and you know what? That's something worth writing down.

Me and George have been playing WoW, new characters on a new server, but we only play together, we don't play unless we are both on, that way we stick together. And that keeps us accountable, we motivate each, we hang out, we talk. If all relationships in life were as simple and easy as me and George the world would be a happier place.

That's all for now.

Me and George are level 20 Blood Elf Rogues by the way. Very Bad-A.

WoW doesn't wow me, but it's all I got right now...

So, like the title implies, I'm back in it. And it's boring as crap...

Especially since I'm alone.

I started on the Rivendare server. As a human priest named, you guessed it, Exon. I'm glad to be playing a priest again, I like healing people, being part of a community much more than grinding and playing straight through, and this gives me a chance to be in groups and hang around with people. So I'm going to be playing that for a while, not terribly much, but for a while, so if there's anyone out there wanting to try their hand at being a DPS helper or dedicated tank for me... that'd help a ton when there are no groups to be had...

Well that's all I have for now.

Until later...

From where I'm sittin

Money bothers me.

It does.

I was sitting at my computer for hours last night looking the country over for my dream car, the 1984-1987 Corolla GT-S Hatchback. And it's agonizing. I found a couple of really clean ones, but by the time I have the money they'll be sold.

And it makes me really... uptight about money when stuff like that happens. I don't like not having enough. I don't like not being able to do what I want because I'm lacking.

I'll definitely have that much by the end of the summer, I've been crunching numbers for months while sitting in my classes about all the ways I can earn a little money. It seems so easy. But it's hardly that.

Money is fluid, it's earned almost as fast as it's lost.

I don't have very many liquid assets and that's a little disheartening. I wish there was more than there is.

But I'll try to be content. Today marks the beginning of my saving. My saving for multiple things. No more spending on frivolous things like fast food or DVDs. Just necessities.

And that is that.

It's all my fault that everyone is poor...

So in my usual style I left a 7 page research paper until the morning it was due and then began feverishly working on it, even having woken up late too, I meant to start at 4:30 am, but wasn't up until 6 am, so that kind of got me nervous, but then after only a few hours working on it, I'm already completed with 4 out of 7, Intro and Conclusion both already completed, I'm just filling in the middle and have nearly half of that done.

I've been playing Ogame.org, it's a text based space exploring online game. And it's a game you can only play every 2 or 3 ours for 10 minutes because you just have to tell it what to set up and where to send your ships and then you have to wait 2 hours for them to get to where they were supposed to go, and that is a little frustrating. If any of you read this and want to play with me, I play on Universe 29.

But other than that, this is the second to last week of school and I'm just cruising steadily along.

I have 4 more photos to take for photography tomorrow evening and I need to develop 2 rolls of film before then as well. But I'll get it all done, no worries.

Until a little later, have fun.

165th Post!

So, Spring Break is over. I made good money over break doing a dirty job. But that's all behind me now. I have class in an hour... how horrible that feels. There's no way I'm ready for classes again already. Break felt as short as a weekend.

I took back a box of stuff, so I have less junk laying around to worry about. I'm probably going to go ahead and box up another portion of it so I have less clutter, it'll make it easier to finish the semester that way.

Roommate woes as always...

But other than that, everything is okay. It was sunny this morning, now it's all overcast and pretty dim.

I have a class in 45 minutes. Then I need to run to the bank and read for History of the American West.

Have a good day everyone.

Idaho Again...

Sarah, I love you. Here's what I did today:

Snake River Canyon (Downriver from Shoshone Falls)

Shoshone Falls, March 2007, low, low water year

Perrine Bridge over the Snake River from a spot down in the canyon next to Centennial Park.

Small waterfall in the Snake River Canyon

Doctrine, Spoil, Degree, and Break

So, another day of criticism over my class schedule for next spring, mainly that FCSC class. So what if it's a class dealing with Fashion, it's also dealing with Merchandising. Inventory management, product acquisition, and the kind of information that could be an asset to a person with my major, it's always worth the practice.

I got my grade back on my Global Political Economy exam: 90%

And I am finished with my exam in Managerial Accounting, and I feel good about it. It'll be a high B or an A for certain.

So now the only thing left before I can enjoy spring break are 2 class periods (Christian Foundations and Intermediate Photography) and an 8-page research paper on my Denomination's History/Doctrine/and Personal Reflection.

And I have to pack tonight.

And I have to go to Stevens and fill out a housing contract.

And I need to start that paper.

Okay... bye.

Sloshing through...

I've been managing to average about 7 1/2 hours of sleep a night for the last few weeks. That's amazing considering last semester and earlier this semester I was getting between 4 and 5 hours on average.

I have a test and term project bonanza this week. I had a News Journal Due on Monday for Global Political Econ, I have a project due in Photography Thursday that I've already managed to spend 2 hours in the process of and am only 1/3 of the way done, I had an exam in History of the American West, which I completed and passed, and another exam in Managerial Accounting tomorrow morning and an 8 page research paper on my Denomination due in Christian Foundations. So tonight:

• Take second photo topic. Develop film and print.
  
• Study for Accounting Exam, emphasis on Ch. 7, Budgeting.
• Gather research materials for Research Paper
• Complete Literature reading and Analysis
• Read for C.F.

I'll be leaving for home on Saturday morning, around 8:00 A.M. My brother and sister will be flying back in from Italy on Saturday evening, so I'll meet my parents and siblings in Boise, before we drive home.

I'm super ancy to be getting back home for a little bit, it'll be a nice visit.

On another note, I have registered for my classes next fall. I have a few fluff classes, but for the most part, I'm going to have a leisurely semester. In the Fall I am currently signed up for:

• Management (Taught by Greg Allen)
• Information Systems (Technology in Business, that'll be a cinch for me)
  
• Understanding Jazz (Fills a GEED requirement, and it's flipping easy)
• Backpacking (To fill my last Health and Human Performance Activity credit)
• Sociology (To fill my last Social Science requirement)
• Life of Christ (Which fills my last BIBL credits)

In the Spring I am all Business though:

• Marketing
• Financial Management
• Ethics in Business
• Fashion Merchandising (Don't laugh, it's going to be easy upper division credits)
• GEED365 (Juniors Abroad. Either Amsterdam to Paris or Spain to Portugal)

And I'm living in Weesner Village, that's going to be so awesome.

I have Global Political Economy now. I'll talk to you later.

The next step...

I was walking to my room, bag slung on my shoulder, not so heavy, just it hanging about my waist made it noticeable, the way it would sway from side to side while I strode. tap. I listened to the squeak of my left shoe as my heel pressed to the ground and rolled onto the toe. tap. I wasn't thinking anything, just striding, confident in the previous half of my day. tap... tap... tap. I watched the dark spots form intermittently on the asphalt as I walked, staring down at my shoes. tap, tap, tap. As I watched my shoes, white, clean spots started appearing on their tongues. tap tap tap tap. When my foot left the ground it was firmly planted in the dirty pine smell, the smell of drying mud and asphalt, the smell of clouded humidity, but when it landed I was walking down a dusty, rutted road. Pieces of straw blew about me as I walked towards the old green pick-up parked just off the road. Oh the smell, the luxurious smell- never do you notice the smell of dust until you smell it suddenly mix with moisture- as the drop hits the ground, the crater of silt spews out in all directions and smell of water making everything clean drifts to your noise. You revel in it, you clothes your eyes for a minute and you dream of all the wonderful things on this earth, the good things God made, and you are confident that this smell is one of his greatest triumphs. It moves you to the core. You take your next step, your foot, dirty and hot and uncomfortable stomps the ground, sending more silt shooting off like ash from a volcano. The rain runs down the back of your neck, soothing the itch and grime and sweat left by the hay and the dust and the sun. That is the second you realize yourself a poet, a romantic, not one that is published in books or that is heard by people, but in your heart you know that you were created to create. Your heart beats faster to match the rain spattering the ground and the windshield. You feel alive like the roaring, beating engine. You smile at the earth being made clean, the dust becoming a rich brown, the dusty covering washed away to become the most vibrant beautiful colors, and you focus with all your might to embed it in your mind. And you yearn with a hopeful heart that you will have someone to share it with. Can you ever describe it in a way that does it justice? I think not, it's something that you have to see. It's not exotic or rare, at least to some. It's a gorgeous commonality. A perfectly ordinary but wonderful experience. And a place so close to my heart that no matter how many times I am displaced, I will always know home.

As I drove home, the straight, wide, yet somehow spindly, road tosses me, the whimsical boy, to and fro as I lose myself, dreaming of another. I wished I wasn't alone.

My eyes came back into focus at the clicking of the door as I swiped my card. I remembered her, I remembered that day, the thoughts, the feelings, the loneliness. And my mind finds it hard to wrap itself around the concept that she wasn't with me always. Because it feels like she has woven herself into the very memories of myself, down to the deepest level of what makes me... me. And I know that someday, it won't be mere descriptions, she'll experience it with me. The spring time air, the smell of dew on the tall sagebrush as you drive, slowly, through a dark desert morning.

The rush of cool air on a hot face as you drive through rolling fields of lava rock and high desert. The bite of a cool Sawtooth morning. The wind, forcing the tall, yellowed grasses to worship. And all of it with you.

Stress and Joy in Writing.

I finished my research paper for American West about an hour before it had to be turned in, then didn't get a break because I had Literature and Accounting homework to do as well. And that was depressing... I just wanted a break.

I started reading good ol' fantasy again. And Andy's current situation with his wanting to finally write his book has me wanting to start mine again... so I say down, opened that dusty old file from the archives of my PC and read through what I had written in the past... not bad... not very good either.

But I think I'm going to try. I spent 20 or 30 minutes adding stuff to what I already had earlier today, and just generally trying to work out in my mind what more was to come.

Who knows, maybe I'll get somewhere, or maybe I'll get nowhere at all, but it's worth a shot. Books are a nice reprieve from daily life, it's like taking a mental vacation, and if I could give that to one person, even myself, it would be worth it to me to write.

And now I have to work on homework... the never ending grind.

Present Moment

So like Whatafreak I attained a new mouse as well, the new(er) Logitech MX Revolution. The thing rocks. And the software bundled with it wasn't entirely retarded so I was okay.

Moving on...

I'm tired of sitting here... waiting.

I want to do something, I want to start something, I want life to continue even though I'm in college. But it seemingly does not. It halts. And I can't figure out for the life of me how to get it started again. Every idea seems so far fetched but inside me, I know that I can do it.

I want to start now but before I do that I need to have knowledge, which I lack. I need to know what I'm doing and I have no idea how to go about gaining that precise knowledge.

So I sit here, wasting time, wasting life, day dreaming. I have so many thoughts in my head, so many ideas... but they seem like schemes because I haven't thought them all the way out. I know for some reason, it would fail. And I don't want to put myself into financial woes because of a failure.

I can feel is wash over me... like a great Torrent of information!

My torrents are working again! On Fox's connection! I can't believe it... it's slow and pathetic, a trickly compared to what I'm used to, but it's working, like ebbing life back into me a bit at a time.

I'm actually really excited again. To have that back at least, a tiny part of myself.

This week is looking up! I can't wait to find some new and interesting things to torrent.

But then again... that's kind of one reason I quit torrenting... there's was nothing to download that I was interested in.

Hooray!

Attitude, Mood, Reason, What have you...

Is this it?

That is my reason for all the irritation all the attitude all the blank stares and daydreams I seem to have lately. Shouldn't there be a goal or something to give drive to attain/achieve? Something to spark or fuel ambition? No, apparently there isn't. And that's why I've been so unhappy lately. Don't get me wrong there's alot in my life that is very, very good. But I hope to attain more this... isn't that why I entered school?

But then why are those outside of school still moving along, attaining the things I want as I wait? I don't feel like I'm going anywhere, like I'm pedaling as hard as I can but the chain came off so I'm not moving anywhere...

I don't know what I need to do to succeed. I'm just... bored, I guess, and tired of waiting. I want to be doing. I want to be doing something. I need to find a hobby or something. Because this waiting is just boring work.

Reminiscing About The Future...

So with the addition of another blog entry I have to assume that no one reads what I write anyways so anything I say is as good as still in my mind. But it's nice to be able to catalog thoughts so you can go back and remember how you felt.

I'm going to speak on some disappointments that I've felt recently.

Life at Fox makes me sad or depressed for the most part. I sat down in the Bon with David Way the day before yesterday and another girl was telling us how she hated it when people beat around the bush and tried to trick the teacher into saying what they wanted to say so they could agree. And you know what, that may look cowardly, but not when you view the alternative... have you ever said something controversial in a classroom at Fox? You get torn to shreds. And as I pointed this out, you could see from their expressions and nods of agreement that I was right, that is what happens. Commie Kyle, with no offense to Kyle, may generally be the way Kyle is: a badass, but I have never felt judged while in Kyle's presence, I've never felt uncomfortable or that I wasn't good enough, religious enough, smart enough. And that feeling of not being enough is a feeling I get while sitting in a classroom at Fox, listening to my peers answer questions or speak aloud about politically correct "Christian issues." I wonder how many care and how many are acting...

I may not be the strongest Christian, I may be mean sometimes, not love my neighbor as much as I should, but I realize that weakness, I don't try to convince people of my piousness, that is between me and the big man.

Fox is a Christian school, and it shouldn't be that I feel that my faith's less than it was before I came. I had hoped for a strengthening experience, and while there have been(a good deal thanks to Penn, and most importantly Haskell and Sarah), there's been way more instances or situations that deter or diminish what I have.

I know it's not my place to judge, and realistically I should be one of the last, but it's sad to see so much of the blatant disregard from others from what I'm no longer going to refer to as Christians, since there are a good group of people that are actually amazing Christians that I don't think should be grouped with those that I speak of, so I'm going to call those I don't like as "Fox Specials" as a way of capturing a group at once without overgeneralizing.

And with that, good night everyone.

Belated Resolutions

So I've had a few days after New Years, almost a week, to decide some resolutions.

And I guess these are going to be a little bit more extravagant or unreal than what we've been accustomed to seeing resolutions as: Losing weight, Eating more healthy, Working out more, etc, etc...

Here are a list of mine:

1. Be happy with myself. Stop putting forth unreal expectations.

With that said here's the rest:

2. Draw more, sketch more, pursue the comic book that's been at the back of your skull all these years.

3. Work a little harder on school, less so on WoW / CoH/CoV

4. Be more open to stuff, responsibility is coming on swift wings, you're not going to be 19 forever.

5. Maybe take a break from my computer and read a book once in a while, or a comic book, okay e-books count.

6. Perhaps expand my horizons past cars and computer games. (Warning: Don't get too crazy. Cars and Computers are nice remember, you don't have to if you don't want too, I know you're an extremist... freak.)

7. Spend more time showing Sarah she's the most amazing girl on the planet.

8. Make Haskell and Bohl feel guilty for abandoning their radical anti-girl stances last year for girlfriends this year, and more so for abandoning me in the process (Haskell knows what I mean, in Portland for almost 2 weeks and didn't see him once... NOT EVEN ONCE! Bohl is okay though, he still makes time for friends, I love Bohl, I LOATHE HASKELL)

9. Talk to friends instead of merely nodding recognition at them as I pass by.

10. Stop being such a hermit, I know you, you just want to sit in front of your computer, and guess what, soon, when everyone hates you, you'll have plenty of time for that, so use this time wisely.

11. Hone my force powers beyond Force Speed and Persuasion, there's more to life than outrunning everyone and making everyone think you're awesome. You don't want to sell me deathsticks, you want to go home and rethink your life.

12. More organization, no more writing papers the night before or turning in assignments late. No more staying up all night, I'm not 18 anymore, I can't take that allnighter stuff anymore.

13. Don't be such a prick, everyone already hates you/fears you. Why don't you try to make a new friend, jerk?

14. Don't be so awesome, it makes everyone around you feel insignicant and worthless, tone down the awesome a little, okay?

15. Think of at least 15 new get rich quick schemes and market them on the internet in a book for the low low price of $195.98 (additional tax is buyer is from California).

I'm going to end on 15, because 15 is my favorite number.

So yeah, those are my years goals...

Wow... that's kind of a long list, how am I going to do that, I need to take some of those out... like 13, 13 definitely doesn't need to be there...

Out for Blood...

Okay so honestly, I don't know what critics are understanding, but they are treating the entire movie Blood Diamond, even the conscience heavy message that the director, Edward Zwick, successfully presses on the audience, as fiction.

I watched the movie last night, the preview looked good, but what I saw was the Invisible Children message from a completely different standpoint. That of violence and immersion into the situation that nothing but the silver screen can produce.

And it provoked thoughts, as any movie pointing at real struggles does. My question is, Does this Hollywood treatment help or hurt the cause? They romanticize the struggle, give it heroes, but I'm unsure if it succeeded in motivating. There was so much more that could have been done I understand, but the message was clear: There are still over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa.

I believe that critics are reviewing the movie in the wrong ways. It's a big screen picture with a documentary message. And that message isn't making it to the public. The realities are harsh and the filmmaking and cinematography are never perfect, but the message is the important part. The message of the movie should be the focus, not the cinematography.

My only thought as I left the theatre was that I wanted to seriously injure anyone who said they didn't like the United States and didn't want to be here. Because they are a minority of the most priveledged people in the world, and if they don't want it, there are people that are literally dying to have that opportunity. If you don't like the freedom and the safety that our Nation has provided, then get out.