Setting yourself up for failure...

Driving so fast the world is starting to blur, so late that there isn't a single pair of headlights in sight, music so loud that you're incapable of thought, the feel of the steering wheel getting more loose as you accelerate, the joy of realizing the pedal isn't to the floor yet, the tightness of your grip on the shift knob, your head glued to the headrest, the radar detector blaring, the fear of police....

perfect euphoric bliss

the ignition is like birth, acceleration like coming up for air.

I want to share it with you... with all of you... to have you see and feel what I do, that is when you would understand me.

Going 110 down the freeway at 3 in the morning, losing traction as you hit patches of black ice... at the time you are filled with this urge to go faster and faster, you feel invincible at that speed... but looking back... a time when I wasn't anything like I am now... I shudder and think what might have happened... crash... death... hell.

But I made it through, I survived my early teens, I have changed, adapted to new surroundings and social structure as best as I know how... but the old me is still there, with all the anger and rage that he had when I left him behind. And everytime I get angry he takes control, refusing to listen to reason and refusing to accept help from anyone. Like a blind rattler... he just strikes at anything, no warning, just action.

The longer I'm in this place the quicker the rage is at assuming control...

SlowTEC saved me from the rage. I miss him. Every road here holds a memory of an ignorant high schooler, red-limiting his red Honda, the V-TEC screaming as he drove faster. That was me.

Now its over.

All Day Long

Today was just a friggin blur of rage and sorrow... but as always the end is always calm and what happened before, all the emotion, seems like a dream...

Soon I can return to Oregon, this place was entertainnig for a week or so.. but now I'm ready to return... and so return I shall, after the 1st.

Gonna sleep now... wake up and watch something... maybe a western...

Sleeping through...

Meant to come home at Midnight last night... but about 11:30 passed out on my friends couch, woke up like 6 hours later to see him still awake playing UT... So after a bit I drove on home

Now I'm considering going to sleep again, its only 7:30 after all.

Sorry I ain't been online much of the time.. I'm always at my friend's apartment and then I get home late if ever. Best time to catch me... prolly 2-4 am Idaho time.

So now I'm going to watch a movie or something, haven't worked my way through all of the ones I got for Christmas yet...

"Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal... And A Happy New Year"

All I want for Christmas is...

Christmas was friggin wicked this year... got everything I asked for. I didn't ask for anything huge, so I didn't think that would be a problem. Mine weren't huge like the $400 digital camera my brother got.

My family has traditionally, since before I can remember, opened an early present the day before Christmas Eve. So this year on Friday I got the Widescreen Original Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. Now I have the VHS and the DVD versions.

My family opens all the rest of the presents on Christmas Eve, then on Christmas morning we get Santa gifts and what not. So here's what I got:

- Firefly Series on DVD
- Sky High (DVD)
- Batman Begins (DVD)
- Star Wars shirt
- Another friggin Gnome shirt (its turned into a trend for me to get shirts with gnomes)
- PJs
- Set of Nice Clothes
- Star Wars Trivial Pursuit DVD Edition (I owned my mom at it last night)
- Millenium Falcon Lego Set (Which I'm still in the process of building the instruction book is a friggin 100 page manual)
- A lot of socks
- Star Wars Battlefront II
- McLintock (DVD)
- 20 Questions game (that thing is Satan, Haskell)
- Big Jake (DVD)
- Blue Steel / Hell Town (DVD)
- UNDERWORLD (DVD) (Already watched it twice since yesterday morning)
- New Cologne
- The Hulk (DVD)
- Hackers (DVD) (The most amazingly cheesy hacker movie ever)
- Appleseed (DVD)

and a few other bits and bobs...

Making this my most enjoyable Christmas I can remember...

I got a full nights sleep the other night... ever since my nightmare I've been only getting 1 or 2 a night, I stay up as late as I can and when I sleep I'm too tired to dream... but last night I slept for 7 hours of dreamless bliss. I feel alot better.

Well, ya... I get my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow.

I have to go and pick up my friend Nick from the airport in Boise tonight at 11:30... but for now I'm gonna watch the Hulk and slip into some comic-book fantasy/sci-fi wonderful-ness.. and what not

The Endless Night in Retrospect... and then the following day until about 30 minutes ago.

Ok so anyways...

I was hanging out at my friend Andy's apartment, his brother, Nick, was takin off to California on a plane that left for Boise at 6... so he wanted to be there at 4 to make sure getting through security and everything went smooth. Well he left at 2 in the morning because it takes 2 hours to get to Boise and about 2:20 he calls Andy and tells us that his car quit on him. And so it begins...

I, at the time of the phone call, was now an hour gone immersed in World of Warcraft and was settling in for a long night of repetitive senseless killing with my newly created Tauren Warrior. But out of the goodness of my heart I gave up my night of well-deserved gaming goodness to help out a friend in need and picked up Nicklaus from the side of the freeway. I was thinking 2:40 in the morning, no cops I can get him there in good time... I was wrong.

At the first Bliss exit, while traveling 85, my car started slowly sliding sideways... I easily and quickly corrected due to my vast knowledge and unmatched experience in any situation with an automobile. Shortly after slowing down to the speed limit because of the lubricious road, fog started in. Not "cool things look kinda hazy" fog, but thick, "I can hardly see the lines on the road "fog, the "I'm gonna miss a turn and kill us all" kind of fog.

So after expertly navigating my vehicle through the fog, it cleared up. Leaving me a straight shot from Mountain Home to Boise, which I covered quickly and without incident. I dropped Nick off at the airport, switched out driving with Andy and we sped once more toward home.

The road was slicker on the way back.

We finally pulled into my drive way at 7 in the morning, I ran in and grabbed my phone charger, got back into the car and drove back to Andy's apartment and salvaged what was left of the dark hours of day playing WoW until 10 this morning. I drove home, showered, and slept.

I then returned to Andy's apartment this evening at 7 and played until about 30 minutes ago.

My Tauren Warrior is level 13 and very bad a.

I opened an early present earlier tonight, got the Star Wars Trilogy DVDs... and now my life is complete.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the eating and the presents and the Christmas. Christmas dinner is at 2 o'clock tomorrow afternoon at my Aunt and Uncle's house in Buhl...

All you Fox people. I miss you. It's much boring here. If it wasn't for my Tauren... I'd probably already have lost my mind.

"Merry Christmas to All, Now You're All Gonna Die!"

Endless Night...

I was out all night last night... just got home in fact. This one has a good story to it, but for now I need to shower and get some shut eye.

I just had the worst dream of my life.... I want to bury my head in my hands and sob, I want to never sleep again, I want to never think of it again... it was the kinda dream that changes the way you look at other people...

Exercise in Willpower

This is gonna be alot of half-thoughts.

For starters... a warning. Haskell if you haven't seen Cold Mountain, don't, there's some stuff in their that is pretty hardcore (literally). So yeah... good movie though.

I used to think I knew what I wanted. A fast car, a fast computer, and a fast internet connection. That was my perfect life.

It has changed.



Alex's birthday is Friday.

My family sleeps early, everyone is out by 11. I'm up late some nights, just thinking, nothing to do, no one to talk to, I just stare at the ceiling, not wanting to sleep... just thinking. Same way I do in the Silage Truck in the summer... when you drive for upwards of 8 hours a day, there's alot of time to think. I think about everything... mostly I day dream.

During this time is mostly an over-analyzation of all the encounters and conversations I've had with people, what I said or did, what they said or did, what I should or shouldn't have said or done. Basically I read so far into things that I regret even talking/seeing that person at all.

That first semester of college went fast. Like I said earlier, when I look back everything is like a dream and thats what last semester is like to me now. It's had its good points and its nightmarish sequences.

Me and Haskell had a conversation about different levels of love we have for people. I had a few levels ascending in I'd fight with you, I'd fight for you, I'd kill for you, and I'd die for you. Since thinking about that, I've come to the realization I would die for quite a few people. My main criteria for that category is I believe that you have the potential to live a fuller life than myself or I want you to survive no matter what to fulfill your life... Mostly that category is full of people I know well and I know will succeed. No way am I gonna die for someone who's gonna be a failure, that's pretty pointless.

Most people are in those 4 categories if you know me at all, otherwise you're in the if I saw someone about to jump you I'd chuckle to myself and think Someone's about to get dealt some divine justice, and then walk away.

I had some other thoughts on death and purpose, but I decided that I haven't thought them through enough, so they can wait for another time.

And so I sit here, in the darkness, thinking, making myself feel darker than the room I'm in.

If anyone wants to talk... you have my cell number... or at least Haskell does.

Flicker, Flicker, Dimmer Fade to Black

Manic Bi-Polar Depressant

Ok so generally speaking:

If you are ever having a really tough time emotionally and you feel like fuming to me that's awesome, because you trust (or at least like me enough) to tell me your problems, I never had friends like that growing up so its cool having people be open about whats irritating them.

However, if I ever start using humor that is innapropriate or insensitive to the situation I apologize, because humor is my defense mechanism. When humor fails, than comes anger.

I don't mean to be a jerk, I'm usually trying to be careful in the way I phrase things, but I do sometimes get flustered and thats when the meaningless word vomit comes spewing out of my mouth, and I begin talking faster than I can think. Please don't be offended, I honestly feel guilty for days after I upset people like that.

An example of the word vomit:

Sarah, I'm really, really sorry for cussing... I feel so horrible about it...

The Dismal Break...

import random

Its been 3 days from Fox... I'm friggin bored as crap... there is usually a bunch of people that are always willing to talk or hang out, Big Dan, Haskell, Sarah, Eric, Vlad, Lesley, Alex, Amy... and the random people always in the lobby to strike up conversation with.

Bad food aside, I like Fox even with all the stupid trash they make me put up with.

But I'm sure when I open presents I'll feel better, who know's, it usually makes me feel happy.

I just want to have the break be over, for the first time in my life I have friendships. I've had them before, but now they matter. I had Andy here and he's friggin awesome. Hanging out with him is the only way I can survive in this state. But Andy aside, the place is dull.

Haskell, dear friend, I swear we are gonna watch movies for days when I get back, even if I am doped up on pain meds...

I woke up this morning and ran on the treadmill for an hour, watched Unleashed, watched Out Cold, headed to Twin and then got back at 10:15...

And tomorrow is going to be similar.

More UT... Talk to you later... you friggin tools.

All it takes is one person to tell me to come back to Oregon... and I'm already back in my car.

End of .random

Back in the Deep North...

Idaho is no longer my home. The place feels foreign, I know all the roads, all the places, all the people. But it doesn't feel right.

Feels wrong... dead wrong.

I'm counting down the days to my trip back to Oregon. To school, to friends, to what has become my new home.

I miss everyone from back at Fox. They are my new family. It's wierd not having them around. Even the ones I hate.

Talked to Sarah tonight. It was cool. I didn't think I was going to talk to anyone from Fox for friggin weeks. But she put my worries to rest, at least some people still know what the internet is once they leave Fox.

But for now I am going to game, and I'll probably be wierd when I get back to Oregon because I haven't been able to game for months.

Here we go.

Goodbye Brother, Comrade.

Vladimir is our hero, our rock, our brother, our comrade, our Ukrainian. Now Vovka is leaving us. In a way. He's moving out of Penn. He's now Commuter Vlad.

Never have I had the priviledge of such a friend as Tkach. He is the textbook definition for the strong, silent type. And smart to boot.

All the girls talked about him and no wonder. And if they didn't it was because they were blind, stupid, or a combination of the two.

Vlad you will always been a Penn1 Man. And there's always a chunk of carpet in my room with your name on it.

I love you man.

The Looming Doomsday

So Haskell has decided that me and him should, if we still like the girls we like at this point by that date, tell them we like them on February 17, 2006.

We've also decided that we should probably write down all this crap into a friggin book and make millions with "Life As a Tool"

Me and Bohl are running back through Intitial D, the coolest cartoon ever devised.

So until tonight when something may or may not happen, the end.

Failed Attempt At Concentration.

I tried to keep from seeing that girl all day today as well...

That didn't work out, saw her at dinner and then hung around in the lobby for a few minutes.

I can't concentrate afterwards, I'm always wondering what she's doing or how she's feeling. Frick. I just gotta keep my mind on my classes for a few days.

Well thats about all I've been thinking about... wow I'm pathetic... and she doesn't even like me.

Vlad thinks I'm friggin crazy, I hardly know the girl... and all I want to do is hang around and talk to her.

Makes a guy feel like a total tool.

Oh well, no classes tomorrow, just time for studying.

Late to Bed and Early to Rise make Brad a very tired boy...

I have to get up an hour earlier than usual for my Final, and I'm honestly so pissed about it.

Found out I have friggin Engnell for Intro to Comm, that has me kind of pissed off too. Public speaking is not my strong point. My business stats class was cancelled, so now I have to find something else to take its place to keep me around 16 or 17 credits.

I took a break from liking a girl today, didn't see or communicate with her in any way shape or form all day, makes me proud.

I hate Computer Science with all of my body.

Sleep is going to come in short order.

g'night.....

The Story of the Deaf Apology Part Dos

So anyways, I talked to Michelle last night. We talked for a little over an hour and I had recieved some advice that I should probably apologize to her for some stuff concerning our relationship that I still felt guilty about. She listened to about the first 5 minutes of the apology, and from then she didn't accept any more.

So that was the end of it.

I got some things off my chest and I apologized.

Now its done for good, if she never talks to me again. I'll be fine. The number was erased, the emails were deleted the pictures were burned.

The Story of the Deaf Apology

Here's where stuff changes again.

I talked to Michelle. Oh goody. Extrapolations coming tomorrow.

For now I'm tired. I was gonna write it all out, but after thinking for about five minutes and realizing how long it would take to write it out. I've decided to instead sleep, so until next time.

-Brad

Hedgehogs, Centaurs, Fawns, Foxes, and Gryphons

Went to the midnight show of Narnia. Got back to the dorm around 3 in the morning and worked on my paper til 5:15, slept until 7:45 and went to class.

After class I worked on my paper for another half hour, then walked with Sarah to her bank and then into the Creature Cabana. How do you get ahold of a Fennec fox... that place is shady, they probably purchase off of the black market, how else would you have African Hedgehogs...

The hedgehogs were friggin awesome. I want one.

No more friggin CS, I can't even explain to you the relief, but the final is like a black cloud on the horizon.

No more papers, no more classes. Just time to hang around with other people who are gonna be uptight as crap studying for all their finals....

Feels like I'm back in grade school and I'm waiting for the clock to hit 3...

Tomorrow is the last day of classes.

I'm so psyched I can't even handle it.

I'm done with writing papers, I have to write a research paper tonight still, and then have Haskell correct it and then rewrite and get it turned in by tomorrow morning. I also have a programming assignment I should be working on, but I probably won't.

Rammstein really does make me angry, because as soon as I listen to something else I mellow out.

My card doesn't work at the Bon right now, so until lunch tomorrow, I'm just going to have to go somewhere and grab a bite. I hafta pick up a newly fixed card in the morning.

Talked to a guy I knew from high school from about 5:15 to around 7:45, just talking it was pretty awesome, he was one of the guys I knew and I really liked but we were never really close or nothing, just hung around occassionally, it was good catching up with him.

End.

4 Finals, 2 Papers, a Log, and a Blog - Sorting Out Priorities

I have two papers I still haven't gotten around to writing. One is due tomorrow and the other Friday. I know that I need to do it but I can't gather the amount of responsiblity or drive to start either one. So as all great papers before it, it will begin at midnight and run long into the morning. After all, literary genius cannot be planned.

So...

When asked to describe myself, how high school was, or how my life as been it always sounds like a sob story. I don't mean for it to happen, but it seems that the bad things seem to overshadow the good when they shouldn't, my life has been way happier than I make it out, bumpy but awesome.

And honestly, for the rest of my time knowing you I'll feel really guilty about complaining about my life problems to you for hours at a time. And even if you claim that you didn't mind or it was okay, I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable around you again. That is one of the reasons I don't talk to people. I know I either won't say what I want to say, I'll be misunderstood, or I'll say something so blatantly retarded that they you won't want to speak to me again.

Honestly, after talking to someone about myself, something I've done rarely and extremely carefully, I usually feed them a load of complete bullshit and then avoid them for a while, mainly because I feel so bad about it.
The difference is, in the last couple days I've been honest and now I feel so awkward because for once in as long as I can remember that person could insult me and have it actually hurt. I haven't had an actual self-esteem lowering insult since probably 8th grade. Because you learn to keep your head down and not let anyone know anything about you, it gets hard to bash someone you know nothing about.

I've prayed more this week than I have the entire 3 months of being here.

I've felt really self-conscious lately... more than usual. And I even had an axiety attack last night, that's the first time in a couple years. Yippee.

Besides those thoughts, this has been the happiest week I've had since being at Fox.

Being Honest is More Horrifying Than Any Lie

So anyways, I was honest for the first time in my life last night. I usually hide myself behind a very intricate mask of made-up stories or just one or two of the exciting real ones. Just enough that people don't question my credibility...

And I was open to someone I barely know. What I told her was a major part of the why I am the way I turned out. I just felt that for once I should be honest with someone. And honestly I feel awkward and embarrassed towards that person now. On top of already being nervous.

And I've come to a conclusion about the whole thing. Erase the number and burn the rest.

Only thing left to worry about is the conscience, I have an amazing memory for all the stupid crap I've done.

And it feels really weird to not have something to hide behind, after 4 years of criticism it's a very different thing to be freely handing out ammunition to someone. But I think it was good for me.

Took a drive last night, scary as piss. A combination of driving too fast, my poor vision, a very windy road, and fog it was pretty gnarly for a bit.




I feel better now.

Fuming

Circling the Penn parking lot for 15 freaking minutes, no parking spots, and nowhere else to go...

I just want to walk down the rows of cars and put a big basketball-sized dent in the side of every car I don't recognize.

Just take deep breaths and forget about the stupid wankers who bring a car to college and only drive it to Nap's once in 4 freaking months.

9 School Days To Go

My day has gone okay so far, felt like I did well on my quiz this morning in Intro to CS, slept until 12:37, ran to my 12:40 class and got to play Basketball for an hour, went back to my room, found out my Grandma was okay, called my Brother, and now I'm blogging.

Just finished a muffin and a frickin juice box, and I don't have any classes for the rest of my day.

Watched 10 Things I Hate About You with Sarah last night, that movie is friggin amazing, even if it is classified as a chick flick.

I have 2 essays to write this week. And a huge programming assignment.

My hair's friggin screwed up from sleeping too... I hate sleep. Waste of friggin time.

And now I'm going to leave and go to my brother's...

What the crap...

So I got a call from my mother tonight, apparently my Grandma Paulin had a heart-attack today. I'm not sure how to feel about this. Honestly, my Grandma is so ornery that she won't die until she feels like it. She's had strokes and heart problems forever, and that's why I don't know whether to shrug this off and be like, oh well it's happened before, she'll pull through no problem, or if I should really be worried about this.

Sometimes I have a hard time explaining things... or saying things to people when I'm there... or walking into a girl's hall for no reason other than to talk to someone.(I don't have Bohl's confidence)

Those are things that I either can't do or find it difficult to do.

So anyways, I'm tired again, didn't get my homework done, but I'm feeling pretty good. Bored as crap, if anyone reads this... save me.

Playlists, Pirates, and Paper Snowflakes

Hung out in the Study room in Penn with Sarah from 9:45 to 1:15 or something like that and it was pretty awesome. She tried to show me how to make snowflakes... mine sucked, hers were all lacy and frilly and mine were friggin jagged and tiger-looking, and then she spent 3 hours trying to construct a playlist and transfer music to one of her friends... and she is a hardcore music pirate... her and mytunes go together like white on rice. Hahaha.

I'm friggin tired and I have alot of work to get done in the morning...

.//End Transmission/

Being the Better Person... or Trying at Least

The internet is at 271 kb/s down... I'm so happy right now. I been working out with Haskell and Bohl, and where to most that isn't a big deal and where I might not even be doing much, I'm doing more than I was before. I'm trying at least. I'm tired. I'm unsure how my classes are going to end, probably in academic probation.

I'll try, but motivation to do work that I don't understand is in low supply. I'm just waiting for next semester when I can get into my business classes. That right now is the only thing that keeps me going.

I have 2 assignments due by Friday, one I have done, theoretically. The other... well, I dunno, I guess I just get together with some other people that need help too and hopefully I can get through it in time. And on top of that I have a research essay that needs doing also... I'm lost. Time management is screwing me over, I should have been more diligent in the beginning.

The past is past. Only the present and future hold any meaning now. Time to get ready for Bible Study....

Stoking the Fire of Hatred

Sometimes I wake up and want to see everyone in sight burned or hanged or shot. Today wasn't one of those days, but for no reason at all its warping into one of those. My classes were cancelled, I've had breakfast and lunch and neither were too bad. I am just angry, and it keeps building. I have this urge to say goodbye to a few people, step into my car, and disappear. The last time I felt this way was in high school, every day I would pass the freeway on the way to school and on the way home and I always wanted to turn my car onto the interstate and jet away.

I've already talked to my old man about next summer and it looks like I'm gonna be driving that truck again. I knew I wouldn't get away from it. But looking back, it was the best money I could make. And I'll have an extra month to make a little more this time, and I'll have a better idea of how much money I should be holding onto for the school year.

I like being able to refrain from a job during the school year so as I can have more time for homework if it was necessary. And driving allows me to do that.

Thanksgiving was good, lots of family was around. Good food and such, the drive was long though. I can't wait for Christmas but I figure I'll get bored being there for that long of a time frame.

Relationships are the friggin devil, you always wonder what that other person is doing after its over. Occupies your thoughts all the time, and then if you like someone you are always wondering what they are doing, and then that is whats occupying your mind, or both at once... relationships are just a friggin nightmare.

Friggin a... I'm bored...

Cell Number

I wake up every morning, and I soon as my eyes open and adjust I'm staring at this cell phone number on my whiteboard, should I call it?

Her Re-Entry

Not very many who are going to read this are going to understand but:

Michelle emailed me, told me stuff that was going on and also gave me her cell number, I responded (though haven't recieved a reply back yet)

I'm wondering why... wondering should I call her? What do I say?

I can already feel that this is gonna be awkward...

Oh well...

I'm also realizing that everyday, I see or hear people doing crap I don't like. Making me angry, making me never want to talk to them again, but I haven't quite found what I'm going to use them for so I just suffer through it.

Longing for a life I had, I lost, and that I'm likely to never have again...

So what can I say about Fox... it blows. Hard classes, bad food, bad mealtimes, annoying music-oriented floormates, Halo addicts, and then the mix match of things that I loathe.

Do I want to stay, yes and no. I want to leave pretty bad, but I'm compelled to stay. If I was to leave now I would have constant memory of my new family, Vlad from the Ukraine, Eric, the Dans, Joe, Bohl, Joel, Haskell, James, Little John and Josh (The Odor), Brian, Zebulun the Rocket, George Fox, Casey and Brandon, Bo and Luke, Chris, Sang, Nick, Tony, Alex the Halfrican, and Felix.

But I want to leave to return to the easy-going hardcore rural life I had. Back to Maves and the Roaches and fast cars. Back to high-speed internet and no crappy garage band or christian music. Back to my comfort zone. When people say you don't realize what you have until its gone... that isn't necessarily true, I knew what I had I just wanted to see if there was more.

Things that you forget to do screw you over and then haunt you for the semester.

People keep asking me why I came, why did I choose Fox? Because at the time of submission Maves was still here, and then after that I was too lazy to change. Too much hassle. My dreams are those of a small town person... the ones that pale in comparison to their more complex urban brethren.

2 Weeks are gone... 2 Weeks that can't be taken back or changed. The only thought I have is that in 4 years I'm gonna look back on this like a dream, yesterday time moved so slow from class to class, but today yesterday feels like nothing more than a dream, time isn't really a tangible thing, because time felt slow when we were 15 and now 15 feels like a short short collection of dreams. So basically I could wake up now and be 10 years down the road, in a minute what I just did a minute before will be nothing more than a dream.

When I would sit in the cab of my semi, half an hour in I would say this whole thing will be nothing more than a dream in 10 hours, and it was... so this is how I am going to live the next year.

Stage III: Newberg

So as a hero in a game I departed from my hometown, from my formal training(high school), to embark on a bigger journey. But as in most games once you get to the town you are lost.

Lost as in you can't find or contact any of NPCs you should ( in my case Haskell or Sam...) because they aren't in the spot they should be (or in my case Haskell not answering cell phone and Sam not responding to messages) but such is life.

So its 11 at night... usually the beginning of the usual long, drawn out night for me. But I have no activity to help weedle away the hours... Haskell I hate you, and not in a racist "I peed in your rice bowl" kind of way but in the "You didn't answer your cell phone you stupid prick" way.
And Sam... you can't hate Sam, he's like the special ed kid that kicks you in the balls and laughs, there's no point in getting angry with him... he wouldn't understand why.

So now I sit in my brother's apartment waiting for tomorrow to come... so I can find some activity... friggin bored... so... bored.....

The End of the Longest Driving Session

Tomorrow is my last day of driving. I've been driving for 3 years and did all the scale and billing for 3 years before that, I'm so sick of silage I can't see straight and want to gag everytime I smell it. Today was the perfect driving day. It was a cool 65 degrees, windy and overcast... but as luck would have it, the hay was too wet to chop so it extended our schedule to tomorrow being the last day and I just know that when I get up in the morning its gonna be a sweltering 95 degrees... man I hate my life... on the upside because all we have left is a mini-mini-pivot (4 pivot tracks to the pivot point) and 3 more rows out of the full pivot we finished today(they decided to swath the weeds on the edges....)

Anyways everyday driving with Joe I learn something new. Apparently he knew the Italian Mafia Hitman, Jimmy the Weasel. Jimmy the Weasel had 13 successful contract killings and there was no good evidence against him, he was good at what he did, but the government finally got him for tax evasion. So as soon as Jimmy got out of the pen he had to find and hold down a job for a little while, as fate might have it he got a job at the same wrecking yard as Joe. So Joe got to know Jimmy a little bit, said he was around 5'10" had thick glasses and was the nicest guy you'd ever meet, unless he had a contract on you then, "He wasn't afraid to use that piano wire." as Joe said.

Joe said that the Governor of California at the time was also an italian and was frequently getting in touch with Jimmy the Weasel at the wrecking yard, after claiming on television and during his campaign that he had no connection with the mafia. Joe said one day 2 brand new black cars full of men in suits got out, carrying several briefcases, talked to Jimmy by the office to the wrecking yard, went into the office, came out (lacking the briefcases) got into the cars and left. Joe said the next day found out that they had bought the wrecking yard...

Joe's been there and done that... said he's now lived through 8 wars. Friggin cool old guy, always talking about the way stuff used to be. Can't wait to tell kids my stories... "There I was... alone in my cubicle, when all of a sudden..." Doesn't sound as impressive as a mafia story...

Oh well, I should be coming up to Fox mid week, couple days before the dorms open, for the sake of getting the heck outa here.

Finished GTO today, great show, I'm prolly a little depressed its over but... I've gotta nother few series downloading right now, should be ready in a few days...

D0wn104ding H4rdc0r3

Knowing that the last thing I want to have to do this next year is spend all my money looking for entertainment... I started mass downloading at the beginning of the summer trying to amass enough cartoon shows to keep me busy for weeks if I was to watch them nonstop. So far I've probably already done that... but like every good role model I must continue on persevere even though its unnecessary.

So with that said, if anyone at Fox is looking for something in particular... let me know and I'll find it for you... or I'll decide that your request was stupid and say "Sorry Haskell, I can't find the entire series of Sailor Moon for you." Not to be specific or anything...

Once I get to my dormroom and show it to my mother... her bank account opens and she has to buy me all sorts of good stuff... bear in mind I'll point her in the right direction (I'll make sure she gets you some of those friggin awesome Terryaki bowls from Cosco, Hask).
So far she said she's buying me a Fridge and a Microwave... and knowing my mom (she went into withdrawls when my brother left for college and spent thousands of dollars in the first few weeks following his departure.) I should be able to hopefully extend that into more food and supplies...

Gonna have to buy a VCR too... DVD blows so hardcore, not saying that I don't have a few, I'm just saying I've never had a VHS tape crap out on me from rough handling in 2 weeks... Which is why I've had Bio-Dome and Ferris Bueller's Day Off on VHS for almost 8 years now... No DVD has that kind of staying power.

-<|Sam if you're reading this the next paragraph is a joke, if you're not Sam then this next paragraph is the most truthful paragraph on my blog|>-

Maybe its good that Sam isn't in Penn this year, won't have to lie and tell him his 280Z is cool. (Ironic name for that car since its quarter mile time is 28 seconds... hey there's another coincidence my silage truck does a 28 second too...)

Anyways... tomorrow is another day of driving, if we go long tomorrow (an extra 3 or 4 hours) then tomorrow might be the last day of driving for me for good. Otherwise tomorrow is just another normal crappy day in the cab. One of the dairymen's feed truck driver's cut a corner and scrapped the back end of my truck today too... geniuses every single one of them...

Bohl said he knows my roommate... Bohl's jealous cause that guy could be a better ninja than him. hehe...

Tired now... time to eat and then sleep.

The Breaking Off Part 1: Killing the already Dying Friendship

Koda called me today and wondered if I wanted to hang out before I took off for College, since he was gonna be going to Washington for the rest of the summer for a friend of our's brother's wedding.
So I agreed and I met up with him in Twin and we wandered for a bit, through Sam Goody, looked at the Anime and the T-Shirts and what not... Just basically killing time, and then we went to Mandarin House and ate and then we drove back to his car and went our separate ways.
And that was the end, may never see Koda again after I go to Oregon.

3 More days of chopping and then I'm done. Done with it all. Joe told me one of the crudest, most hilarious jokes I have ever heard, however as I know that religious affiliated people and Asians frequent my blog (By that I mean Haskell) I'll just keep it to myself until I can tell it in person.

Then I spend my last full week at home preparing to leave my home. Now whether I'm leaving for good is yet to be seen, but I hope its the former, I'd hate to be a failure and have to come home.

Been playing around with Google Earth a little bit... my Dad hijacked my computer for friggin 5 hours last night traveling around... looking at satellite photos of military bases... Google is like a terrorists best friend, I was looking at pretty high res photos of stealth jets take off and land at military bases all over the place...

Downloading like mad trying to amass entertainment for myself for the coming year, have about 6 series. I want another 5 or 6 more.

Time to sleep for now... Gotta get up again in the morning... bunch of crap right there.

End of Day 5, and the Vigil Continues....

Today was the 5th day driving, I'm getting more used to the early hours, I'm waking up two or three minutes before my alarm goes off, and am growing increasingly anxious to be done with work and be driving up to Oregon, at the current time I'm toying with the idea of making the journey a few days earlier and living in my brother's apartments til school starts... I know this won't happen, but it makes me happier thinking I might.

I "messed around" with my blog a little more, trying to learn the basics of CCS... I think it's a little more advanced than it was. Kept the same stock Blogger template and added an element and modified the others.

I'm running out of activities to do outside of work, I've watched every cartoon I could download and then some, and even started delving into the past months of bloggin by Haskell and Erin, and everyone else at Fox... Sad? Hell yeah it is... but as Joe (A 60-year old truck driver I work with who looks like he's from ZZ Top) says, I'm young, dumb, and full of cum.... and I have no idea how that pertains to the situation so don't ask, I was just giving you a little insight on the types of people I consort with.

Joe: Dude as old as the hills... literally. He's seen and done everything. Been working steady since the 6th grade. (Examples on everything= Seen a human foot still inside a shoe when they crushed a wrecked car at a wrecking hard. And he's seen brains splattered all over the headliner of a car (same wrecking yard job), He's also worked in a pencil slat factory.

Hot Rod Donna: Trucker lady, almost as old as Joe. She has muscles that would make most guys cringe in fear. She walks and talks like a man, and her husband (who uses a walker and can only mumble excitedly) thinks he is the best thing since the earth was created (but he sucks at everything) and is annoying as crap.

Mike: Mike's prolly around 30, drives the biggest truck, Mike is mostly there to make fun of everyone else. He's a pretty good guy, and has some pretty good material, though sprinkled heavily with profanity, he's pretty cool to hang around with while the chopper's busted or we're waiting for something. (Mike has been sharing his truck with this enormous rat for like 2 months, Donna jumped in and beat it to death with a hammer, that thing was more like a large cat...)

I mostly just mess around with this small collective all day every day... sometimes its entertaining, somtimes it sucks... just depends on the conditions and the weather.

Frick now I got to sleep, tomorrows day 6... dang I hate my life.

Crude Movie = $7, greasy Skipper's Seafood = $5, Realizing you have $70 in change in your room... priceless

Rounded up all the loose change in my room (only the silver fancy ones, no cheap pennies for me.) Took it into a Coinstar... Made 70 bucks... I shoulda done that this morning and just skipped work today... I drove a truck in the wicked heat for 7 hours for that much...

I figure I prolly have another 40 or so dollars in pennies too... I'll have to take those over later.

Only drawback is now my room is devoid of shiny objects, the pennies don't have much luster...

So I have to work up until next Wednesday, then I spend the rest of the summer throwing away my useless belongings, breaking off contact with most people, all that good stuff.

Well Haskell, since you are the only person that reads this... How are you today? How was the move into the dorm? You and Polits spoonin' up a storm? It's all about stamina...

frick I'm bored... Hey did I ever tell you about that time I had friends? It's a short story but a good one...

God likes Asians better...

I was going through my chat logs for messenger (mostly cause Maves lies alot, so you have to catch him that way, or he has a way of "forgetting" something he said) and I opened up my log of Haskell.... and a few times I had a crappy time at the end of the school year and Haskell said he'd pray for me and then I'd end up doing really good on whatever he prayed for. So apparently there's some affirmative action going on in Heaven, cause he listens to Haskell's prayers more than mine, though mine do tend to be of the "rushed prayer in my head right before capital punishment is announced" type. Or maybe God takes pity on Haskell's features (which don't resemble the Chinese or the Americans, he's like a mutant). Oh well, I'm a middle-class teenage caucasian male, making me as plain as a piece of lined paper(or so Haskell can understand "as plain as a grain of rice" hehe)... So to sum up what this is about, everybody should get themselves an Asian, makes miracles happen faster. (and the miracles tend to be of better quality, honestly have you seen the wierd flying in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, there ain't never been a flying white guy...)

Asian! Now in 3 unique flavors! (Japanese, Chinese, and Vietnamese!) Collect the whole set!

Convoy - Ag Style

I have to start driving again tomorrow and it'll run all the way to the beginning of the school year. 3rd cutting of Haylage... The continuation of collecting my meager and worthless belongings into boxes or the trash has kept me a little bit busy... Anything I can do to get my mind off of coming to Fox/driving my truck. Both seem equally unappealing.

I have a small fan in my cab, which does absolutely no good. 110 degrees outside and about 10 above that inside my cab and the fan does nothing but push it around. Seems that everytime I have to drive a record heatwave comes out of nowhere, it could be pouring rain but as soon as I start opening the door of that stupid truck, out comes the sun and dries up all the rain and then all over the radio the host is droning about how hot it is outside and how abnormal the temperatures are and how good his air conditioned station feels... The hay also itches, so when you load and sometimes when you unload its wise to have your window rolled up, trapping the heat in the cab with you... as my dad waves at me and smiles from his air conditioned chopper and my uncle laughs at my from the cab of his air conditioned ginormous packing tractor. I swear...

But then as you drive down the road you see manure trucks, piled high with cow crap and you think, Hey maybe my job isn't so bad after all, at least I don't smell.

I beat Theresa at Scrabble, with the words "Craw" and "Snow", she put the nail in her own coffin with the word "Raw" which I used to make both of those words to win the game. Dang I'm good.
Oh yeah. She never saw it coming.

Well Maves is out delivering Pizzas again. He seems pretty happy about his job (I think it's because he doesn't have to put that pizza hut sign on his car). Anyways, I'm gonna get back to cleaning up my stuff.

Lacking in all senses of the word

I decided to tinker with my blog's appearance a little bit, cause I've been watching cartoons all day and got bored and there wasn't anything else to do. Everyone I know is working, with family, or getting drunk... so I have nothing to do. So, you know, if any of you Fox people think to update your blog more than once every couple weeks, you could really help stem my boredom... Gonna go harrass Aaron at his new place of bidness....

End of a Long and Dreary Chapter...

I've been slowly placing things in boxes and plastic tubs, preparing for the final move away from the bedroom that I've known since the 8th grade and that I've shared with my brother until he moved to Oregon 3 years ago. I would suppose for most people who were spoiled, or for people who were the only child, the dorm life would scare them, having to live in a cramped room with another person for long periods of time. For me, it's merely a journey back in time. As I look around my bedroom, which is now a white box with a matress on the floor for a bed and a few full containers of belongings, I realize how little I have amassed in my 18 years of life. The only good investment I've ever made was my computer. But even with the little I have I know I've been blessed heavily, my parents have struggled their entire lives to make sure that when I leave their house in 3 weeks that I will have the skill set to survive in the real world.
I guess the reason I'm talking about this crap at all is because I am anxious as all get out about the fact that I'm 18 and that no matter what happens whether I go to college or not I have to move out of my parents house. For the last 18 years home was wherever my parents were and soon that won't hold true ever again. That feeling has me nervous, feels like I've just walked through a door and that door locked behind me. Soon what happens to me will be in my control, whether I tank or succeed will depend on me. And me in control of anything is a scary thought. And I know you guys are going to give me responses like "God will help you" and such so, not trying to sound harsh or anything, take into account I'm already aware of that.
Since me and Aaron were in Jr. High the dream was: When we get our Driver's License's we will be able to do whatever we want and hang around with each other all the time. Then that happened and that's just what we did. Then once we could drive we were like: We are going to college and we're gonna be roommates and no matter what happens it'll always be the two of us around to make sure the other doesn't die and so on. Well that won't ever happen now, the fact that next year is gonna be a inverse repeat of last year, him at Fox and me home, scares me pretty bad too. Aaron is going to be in Twin with Andy, while I'm going to be alone at Fox.
Or I would have been if it wasn't for Aaron. He introduced me to Haskell and Sam and all the other guys in Penn. I'd like to think that for everything Aaron's given me, taste in music, letting me play Nox and Diablo for hours on his computer and leaving him with nothing to do, giving me Lego pieces that he had double of, or for generally letting me hang around in the same vicinity, that I have given even one good thing to him (impossibly high standards of girls?), but I know I haven't. Aaron is the singlemost greatest person I've ever had the good fortune to meet, and for more than 10 years I've had to honor to call him my best friend. He is my brother in every sense and meaning of the word. And I am gonna miss his stupid ass next year at Fox.

What started as a chapter closing in my life twisted into a tribute of my best friend, while I haven't gained as many material things as most people I have gained a friend, and thats worth more than anything money can buy, red hair or no.

Sexy Sexy Hachi-Go

Me and my friend Andy returned from the land of Port, after stopping by Fox to turn in much much late paperwork, I was standing outside the stevens center and almost get run over, but not noticed, by Erin Kress... I was 2 feet from the tire and she didn't even glance, she was listening to her ipod and dead to the world. So after my near death experience I retreated back into the safety of the Stevens center, sprinted to my car, and took off like a bat outa hell... cause I know that she is still driving that Gator, and she might be about to destroy me at any moment. So I would like to apologize to anyone that had to see a chubby kid doing mission impossible movements out through the parking lot... You have to understand I was just scared for my life.

We got the CRX back home, so now for the next week or so we get it running back to peak performance. Break repair, Radiator replacement, and 1 ginormous cleaning job are on the way. For only have 90 hp, that car pulls hard, I seriously might not be able to beat him with my Integra. The back tires are bald to the extreme, looks like he put drag slicks on the back end. That car rules though. Once he finishes that car will be friggin amazing... but now I need to get ready to go see the car again so... screw you all... I like cars better.

Operation Pocket Rocket...

My friend bought a first gen CRX in Portland and now we have to retrieve it. So tomorrow night we depart for an all night drive to the land of Port spend an insane amount of time driving, then we get up there, strap that little pocket rocket onto the car trailer and make like hell back for the border before those liberal freaks ever see what hit em. My friend is gonna be slappin' a B-series VTEC into that little car, that thing will flat out fly.
While I want to go to Fox so that I can get an education helping secure a job so I can make money to pour into my car, I also am incredibly pained to leave now that this CRX has come from obscurity and puttered into the foreground of my existence with its 1.5 liter lawn mower engine. Had it not been for my conscience screaming that I would regret the decision later I would say screw college, apply at Dell and waste away my existence so as to watch the CRX slowly take shape into the drift/drag monster that my friend has planned. Would I throw away my entire college experience for a car? At the moment, yes, and prolly come finals time I'll have the same sentiments.
That punk Maves is gonna be able to hang around with that CRX all year... he's been trying to replace me for weeks, but he's a poor substitute.
If my Teg manages to make it through college with me, I'll start shoving money into it, put a B18C in it, turbo it, we'll see.

All this talk about cars... I gotta go drive something.....

The Bruox, will it push the Liger to extinction? That story and more coming up on the News at 10...

Well a few more weeks and I head down to Newberg, I was down a week or so ago... and I realized... Oregon blows, its cramped, crowded, and doesn't rain nearly enough... I want a monsoon season dammit.

Aaron left me to go spoon with Ty, backstabbin traitor...

The last few months... all I wanted was to leave this craphole state and these moronic people... but you know... I grew up around these moronic people, I know how these people tick... city people bah, stuck up whores and homos... I grew up in intolerance and I'm gonna be intolerant to everyone I was raised to be intolerant of...

Lamest excuse for a girl not liking you: Different political views - Honestly I can't remember the last time I have ever started any sort of flirtatious conversation with: (suavest voice you can imagine) "So what do you think of Bush's educational reforms?" (Girl tries wit, and fails, miserably) "Oh, really? Wow, How about the death penalty, personally I don't find it to be harsh enough."
Honestly, if this is the conversation you are having with a girl, you must have some sick and twisted motives in mind for when the candles start burning low...

Before computers... I had a group of friends, or at least I'd like to think I belonged... but then came my families first computer system... I spent hours pouring my heart and soul into my 56k internet... never getting anything in return, meeting random people from all over the place and slowly and surely I started to hate other people, all other people. My computer wouldn't stand you up, insult you, hurt your feelings, and most importantly the computer didn't have feelings or moods... thus no mood swings or exhibitions of violent behavior... But I digress, lately... computers have becoming increasingly frustrating to me at the sudden realization that I have absolutely nothing to do on them anymore... gaming has lost its gleam, the internet its luster(long ago I might add), the only use I can currently find for them is to heat my room... which gets little circulation as is it I sit in a puddle of sweat for hours at a time, afraid to open my door or windows for fear that the fresh oxygen will give me a headrush and make me pass out.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm bored as crap so if anyone has some tech related activity they would like to throw out there to occupy a few of my hours i would be obliged, and I don't want any "exercise or athletic" options either... the only reason one should participate in such activities is because they lack the academic brainpower to adequately perform in a more refineduse of their time.

Sidenote: Only a month Haskell then we can have a freakin hot sweaty network plugin sex extravaganza!

Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer Go!

Bought a car, a 96 Acura Integra. No longer a VTEC at all, so SlowTEC really no longer implies, nor slow. The car moves. So SlowTEC Forever is no longer a fitting title... Had to go to Genesis today at Fox, why didn't any of you tell me how pointless that was, I could have just signed in, and then picked up my computer at the end of the day instead of subjecting myself to hours of mindless droning... I set my schedule for the fall, took my first step into Computer Science. Hopefully that wasn't a mistake. I'm also in Penn 1, so that makes me happy.

Got my laptop, downloaded all the appropriate utilities, deleted the stupid junk that was pre-loaded, I'm happy with it. Should work out well. Bored now... so. End Transmission.

Graduated

I'm now Brad Paulin, High School Graduate.... and unto me the doors of the world have opened... an behind them are stacks and stacks of books, pencils, and sheets of lined paper... is that a good omen?

Finally Finished the Finals, now just have to worry about getting to school tomorrow for the rehearsal...

Finals are over, finished them, not too bad, hopefully I passed my Trig final. Have a graduation "rehearsal" tomorrow... bunch of crap, they should just line us up alphabetically and just give out the diplomas... but no... they wanna make a big deal on the ways rows are staggered and how many people in each row and the order of the people in the row... it's the most retarded system I have ever seen.

They told us if we didn't go to the rehearsal we don't get to walk at graduation. So... now I'm about to go to sleep so I can get there at friggin 8 in the morning, I usually don't even leave the house until 10, this is screwin with me.

Final Finals Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my last day of high school. I have 2 finals, Trig and AP English Performance final. And I have 3 assignments due in English tomorrow tomorrow that I have been procrastinating for a very long while on.

Finally renewed my license, it was only 12 days expired, and now I am forced to wear glasses while I drive, people ask me why I don't where my glasses all the time, well I'll tell you why, girls aren't as pretty, and I've accidentally sat on them, hit them, dropped them, and crushed them so many times they look like I tried to tie them into a knot.

Well I never really liked the people my age in Jerome, they just aren't interested in what I am, and when they are they are moronic about it. But as graduation nears I'm happy about never seeing all those guys again, and sad at the same time, even though I hate them, I know them, it's just a sad thing to know a person and come to the realization you'll most likely never see most of them again, whether it be because they are pothead-drunks and are gonna die on graduation night, or because they move away from Jerome thinkin it's the worst place in the world, which it really isn't ( if you don't mind gang-banger Mexicans) it's still definitely better than Buhl, and we aren't complete and utter morons like Twin Falls people, so I think I got the best of the 3 towns around...

Well Fox guys... pray for me on my finals tomorrow, maybe I might just be able to pull that 3.0 outa thin air, took half of my Trig final today, if I missed more than 2 I'll be shocked, it was simplicity...

Games I suddenly have a wicked craving for:
UT 2004 - Much better FPS than Halo and has some really wicked custom Assault maps online right now.
Impossible Creatures - Doesn't look like a hardcore RTS but it's incredibly addicting making your own animals to fight.
City of Heroes - It may be simple but its alotta fun to play (especially until you get to level 15)
Star Wars Galaxies - Probably the most involved MMORPG I have ever played, the graphics are amazing, the gameplay is astounding, and if you have never played I recommend you try it out now as the Combat Upgrade just came out about a month ago and the people who have been playing from launch are now more screwed up than a newcomer because of all the changes, older players who were set in their ways just got hosed.

Yeah well, gotta do some homework, so I'll talk to you fellers later.

Final Finals Day Tomorrow

Finals tomorrow and then school is over.

Been a good ride.

I have some homework now... which since I am gonna procrastinate until about midnight translates into UT...

Almost free... thoughts from the Bird Cage...

2 More days and my 12 year sentence will be complete... did I opt for parole on good behavior, nope I wanted every excruciatingly ugly minute... because as a Mexican girl told me today I apparently without realizing it "Try and act like I'm all the shit"... Odd really... If they could only see me outside of school, huddled in the corner of the room surrounded by action figures and pirated cartoons... Not only am I "the shit", I'm better than other "the shit" people, cause I have action figures and pirated cartoons. Pixelated and hundreds of times duplicated.

I dunno though, I bet with the knowledge gained from Initial D alone I could prolly outdrive every punk in the valley...

Finals start tomorrow... doing a bit of cramming and a bit of studying, gotta get ready for the test... oh baby, maybe if I do good, I might pull that 3.0 average out of my rectal cavity...

Procrastination is the root of all happiness, what better feeling do you have, looking at the homework and then just walking away like your parents when you make a scene at the mall... or so I'm told...

My family's coming down for my graduation you know what that means, I have to clean up my beautiful space that my mom has been telling me is a pig-stye for going on however many years I've had cognitive thought. Maybe I'm fat to match my stye... I'm am the pig and this is my syte. (that ones for you hask) I'm starting a compaign to get as many fat americans to get plastic suregery and skin pigmentation so they look like haskell (then we'll see the fat stereotype jokes shift, see how the Asians like it)

Time to scream like a girl and run away for a while...

Obi Wan the fight... Anakin is an ignorant bastard.

Star Wars rocks.... and will always rock... gonna take my wheelman Nick to northern Californeea kidnap Lucas and make him tell me bedtime stories for the rest of my life... maybe gather together the entire original cast and do my own rendition of Star Wars without that pansy Luke character... Han Solo all the way baby. Luke may have skills with an X-wing but it takes guts to pilot the rusty bucket of bolts that is the YT-1300 Millenium Falcon, and the constant fear of a wookiee ripping your arms off by accident. You know that thing can do the Kestle Run in under 12 parsecs... just something to remember... (like to see Luke do anything like that.. the pansy)

4 days left of school, oh boy... have to pull together some stupid school crap then I'm free for a summer hooray... than I can go and waste away my entire summer at Andy's just like before...

Gotta go back to prison for 4 more days then if I'm good I get on out Parole for good behaviour.

The Double-Whammy with a little extra oomf.

Back into Bit Torrent and loving every second of it... the dizzying 100 kB/s downloads... the abismal 7.5 kB/s downloads (after the cable company throttles my connection for downloading more than 3 gigs a day..)
It's a happy day man... in 29.5 hours I'm gonna be sitting down in a theatre about to watch Star Wars... if I were to get a time machine... I would go back in time and go to the originals... and prolly follow around my dad and see if he was as cool in high school as he claims he was... take a tuner car back in time and kill those fools in a road course... I'd like to see one of those big lunky cars take a turn like Nick's lima-bean rocket...
I graduate in 11 days...

"You are the gayest monster since gay came to gaytown!" (Guess what that quote's from and you get a cookie)

Disregard in regards to everything...

I am tired of bullshit assignments from so-called teachers more ignorant in the subject they teach than I am. I am tired of the constant nagging to get good grades, to get assignments completed, I am tired of not being able to leave whenever I want because some dumb whore decided to be a moron and not wait 2 minutes for the light to change again. I am tired of people around me, I am tired of this place.
I can't even explain in words effectively how angry I am right at this moment, I am just tired of everything, I want to beat the hell out of my hands for not typing fast enough, destroy my computer because it isn't fast enough, kill everyone in 3 miles of me so I don't have to worry about a future. I am in hatred of everything right now... I am stuck in my room, its a cell, I'm stir crazy to the point I'm getting really nervous and anxious, running my hands through my hair and dry washing my hands every 2 seconds. I want to escape. I have no reason to be angry, other than the fact that I feel like a caged animal... I do not care about anything right now, and least of all about my grades, succeeding in high school means absolutely shit to me, it means nothing.

I just want all this crap to be done with... I want to move on... away from these stupid ass ignorant people.

Gundam Deathscythe was always the best... Gundam Zero is a fricken pansy...

Spur of the moment announcement: Just finished downloading Gundam Seed Episodes 1-25.... ooooh boy....

Back to my more relaxing life of ulcers and worrying...

ell prays So senior projects are over, I passed. I get to graduate now... provided I pass my required english and math classes, and that I don't miss to many days of school, or that I don't "embarrass the school in any way on graduation day", so if all I do is stand there with my eyes open staring straight ahead for another 2 and a half weeks without uttering so much as one syllable, they might let me graduate.

But now that senior projects done there's all the work I put aside because of senior projects, 5 assignments in English, 3 or 4 in math, and they are suddenly back, sneering at me from the depths of my binders...

Just need to get all my english caught up, then I'll be fine, I'll finish that this week, and next week I'll do my math, and then maybe... possibly... if Hask prays enough... I might graduate.

Stand and Deliver... then fail, not graduate, and ask people "Would you like fries with that?" for the rest of your life...

Speech is tomorrow, I meant to work on it yesterday.... once again proving that even with days of freetime and weeks of warning I will always leave it to the last day. It's nervousness... and not just about the speech itself, maybe... I don't really.... I have no idea what I'm really trying to get at...

Who friggin cares... gettin all worked up over nothing, like half of the people at school can do half as well as me when they prepare to my speech-on-the-fly. morons.

Everything has really been killing me, SlowTEC's tragic death, the end of my senior year... it's killin me... hopefully after this senior project crap is over tomorrow I won't be so pissed off anymore....

I swear every time I turn around there's another stupid person I just wanna clench my fist and start punching until they stop breathing... even playing games, driving, or eating isn't soothing my constant anger. I just wanna watch people get what they deserve. I wanna be the vigilante who does it but I'd settle for it being done by anyone as long as it does. The kid in the convertible cavalier, the jackasses that try to race me whenever I go to Twin, everyone at school... I think some divine justice should be ordered... but no I just keep smiling, always keep smiling, don't let things get to me as much, I could be doing something unassociated with anyone, like typing on my computer and all of a sudden I get this urge to go warpathing...

Only a day older than Adult...

I'm finally 18, I've finally an adult, but I wish I wasn't. Responsibility being the last thing I want.

Although it comes with perks.

Up until this point I never did anything that could get me in serious trouble so to save my parents any greif, gives me an easy feeling that now my actions won't be rolled off on them. That makes me feel better.

I know longer find solace in computers, in games, in reading, in cars... I feel like a rowboat that washed out two miles snagged on some reef and is now being beat to death by crashing waves and not being able to see land in any direction.
Since the wreck of my car I've just been out of it. Out of everything.

The sudden booming progression in my life for college, my birthday, and my senior year coming to an end and the thought of leaving my crappy little hometown has me wanting to lapse back and do nothing but watch cartoons and drink kool-aid. And the stress my friggin school is putting on the senior class is giving me a friggin ulcer.

Monday is senior project presentations, I give an 8-15 minute speech to a board of selected advisors... which may not sound too bad, but one of them is Asian, how am I going to look intelligent explaining technology to an Asian guy (mind you this isn't the technologically inept Haskell-type Asian).

Oh well... only a few more weeks til graduation...

Tobacco and Porn, the stuff 18 is made of...

Finally hit 18... and there was much rejoicing.

I decided screw everyone, I'm always the one to call other people and suggest we go do stuff. I'm gonna just sit here by myself see if anyone remembers I exist... how the day's been going I seriously doubt it.

"Happy Birthdays" are meaningless, they're hollow. The smile never reaches their eyes, its just the polite thing to do...

Only 6 more hours... let's see this play out

Like the night before Xmas but there's no snow, its hot, I don't have any presents coming, and...wait a minute, that doesn't sound like Xmas at all...

Sorry about the "X"mas thing... not enough topic spaces for Christ.. I'm not a heathen, athiest, or agnostic... Though that may be open to interpretation...

So the Senior Project Open House went without a hitch... dressed up like a metrosexual and flaunted myself at a greater portion of the town... but I looked pretty.

Tomorrow's my birthday... that big 1 followed by that lazy 8... be able to get the pornography... been waiting for that since I got hair... the special kind... wish that there was a place where I could find that without leaving the house... like a large electronic database... of some sort... I heard about something like that... once...

And bein able to buy the cigs for the homeless people... finally give them what they really want... that bit about "I need to get some coffee on" has gotten old... we know what they really do with it... cigarettes and booze...

School sucks... work is getting tougher... takes longer... gotta memorize and then regurgitate onto a test every 5 minutes... Striving to succeed over everyone, animal instinct, alpha-male attitude with runt-of-the-pack physique.

What better way to prove your worth then to pour yourself into self-succession, make something of yourself.

On that note, I am going to go to the garage put on the old iron worker's belt, wire in one hand, pliers in the other, If I am gonna make something out of myself, this keyboard is nothing more than a hindrance....

Modify, clarify, and then stupify...

Spent a little while... fixing... my blog's apearance, it's much more pretty... Now I need to finish workin on my stupid senior project crap...

I have control of two PCs now, 2 little computers all to my lonesome... oooh the possibilites... I could finally do all the things I ever dreamed of. Play games while being able to chat and do my homework... screw up someone else's computer, not just my own... have more than 1 imaginary children...

Frick... so much highschool/college crap going on I wanna slam my head against a wall and go into a coma for 8 years, come out of it a skinny supermodel... mmmmm... so anyways... I hafta get a job... my whole family's hassling me, so I turned in applications for a few places, but in all reality I either work at KN with Aaron or I practice tieing rebar for awhile and then head to Portland a couple months early... so for the sake of hanging out with my pal... I hope I can get on at Kimberly Nursuries... hopefully Aaron is as "influential" and he thinks he is.

My brother's heading back to Oregon tomorrow... and I hafta go to prison for another 3 weeks... I'd rather smother myself with a pillow in my sleep then go back to that piece of crap honestly. Just need to keep my C's in my classes and hope to graduate... have to give a friggin 8-15 minute speech to a board of advisors about my friggin project... that's gonna blow something hardcore... Maybe I'll die before then, we can always hope.

Gun drop out and start pickin them taters...

Senior projects are due Tuesday... I haven't started on the portfolio we've had 9 months to work on... and similarly haven't corrected the project essay due tomorrow... I figger at some point I'll just turn on my good ole puter and start typing away... hopefully with someone else's help... cause I'm outa idears by this point...

Wish Haskell was here... he may be yeller, but he has a way with them words... makes the people around feel like they've had some schoolin... but for the sake of the fact that I wanna go to Fox next year and redneck the joint up... I think I'm unna do that tonight... a little later though... have stuff to do right now...

So right after Aaron gets outa mah shower, we'll cuddle a bit, go to church, repent for the cuddlin, and then come back and maybe finish my paper... sometimes I get the jitters like I might not be able ter finish in time... but then again, maybe its cause I haven't et anything for a good couple hours...

Who knows?

The Death of SlowTEC

No sentimental crap from me. Some crazy whore did what a wagon was never meant to do: 4-wheel drift through an intersection, killing SlowTEC and skewering my happiness. So some of the afterthoughts of this accident are maybe I should track down and kill her, maybe I should slaughter her family for taking away my happiness, but the sudden freedom of knowing I might be able to find a better SlowTEC keeps me from it... barely. CRAZY WENCHES DESERVE TO DIE!

Next time you see a white Subaru wagon, you need to do a 180 on the road and friggin haul, she's just out to get you. However, this experience does successfully set me up for jokes about women drivers.

And Haskell I always hated you... I always hated you the most. Asian wench.