Why?

Why can't I find the words?

And I can't cry either, I feel like I am but the tears don't come out... after holding it in for so long now I can't even do it...

I feel like part of me died, I want to just collapse and weep... why can't I? WHY CAN'T I?!

It was my fault, there's nothing I can do, no way to make anyone believe me...

I feel so helpless... I'm so pathetic that I'm not even human enough to cry. I feel the pain... enough to wish I were dead...

When I woke up this morning I was happy... when I fall asleep tonight I will be broken.

Why can't I just cry? All I want is to break down... be vulnerable for once... please... why can't you grant me even that...

It's hard to swallow, my breath is shallow and haggard... and I can feel the tears on the verge... but it won't come...

I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life...

Welcome to the worst week of my life...

One week to Dead Day

I need to stop worrying what people are going to think of me. I need to stop trying to please everyone, I'm not entirely honest with myself and the way I feel how am I going to be honest with others.

We were raised not to be rude, not to be weird, not to be mean, or selfish, or arrogant.

But what I am wondering is if it's the act of not following that gives us power or simply the choice to act accordingly or not.

I have a final every day next week, with two on Wednesday. I'm tired and beat down and wanting to be done, but wishing at the end, we had a reprieve. Just a few days before we had to part, to spend with the guys, with Sarah, just being lazy and enjoying myself, no worries, just time.

But life keeps moving, even while we are here in the Fox bubble, the world keeps turning and we have to go back. Back to what I once knew as normality. Back to a life that seems like a nightmare to me now... how can I return to that after experiencing this?

I miss the days when I was younger, but I realize that I'm still young and that remembering is letting more time slip away.

I finally have a small arrow of direction, it's vague and I can't see far in that direction, but I'll move that way for as long as I feel I should.

I made it to Oregon, with a small wagon, no oxen, and only 1 spare wheel... beat that wench.

A tragedy... but perhaps also a comedy

Drama either way.

It's interesting. Life at Fox can dull you to some degree. Something that shouldn't make a difference all of a sudden means everything. Influences all of your conversation and makes you rethink decisions.

How commonplace did such complications used to be? They were always solved so much simpler. Well actually they were dealth with nearly the same way but it was so... natural or normal that we really didn't notice.

I realize how much I have changed. I'm not confident. I've lost self-esteem since coming here. I used to be so cock-sure of myself all the time, I wasn't embarrassed because I was uncaring. And I didn't submit to anyone, I didn't feel like a sheepish child.

What has happened to me? It isn't humility I know that. It's something else.

Now it's time for sleep.

Good Night, Pennington. You are like a book of plays, both tragedies and comedies. What kind will tomorrow be?

How do I put into words?

I feel really happy... Driving last night, it felt pretty natural. I finally feel that I can adequately drive it. I don't need to go fast anymore, I know I can and I know what I can do when I decide to.



As I sit here I listen to music, peruse the net, enjoy the overcast, gray lighting coming through my window.

And a song comes on that I totally connect with, something that I feel totally sums up the way I feel. And so I play the song over and over, everytime I hear it a little more a part of me it becomes.


I feel like a road trip... I just want to drift from town to town... no real direction.

Wow... life is really good right now.

Sittin, Thinkin, Cursin...

So... as I sit here, working on the 2nd page of my 6 page paper I neglected until the night before (Man after your own heart, right Andy?) I was hit with the sudden realization of what life has become for me.

My room is dark, illumination comes mainly from the computer monitor, It's cold, both windows are open, every now and then glancing at the pictures on my desk of the girl I absolutely adore, worried, excited, and anxious over the work I have left to do before I can rest... and the smell of a spring night drifts through the window on a gentle breeze and it sparks memories, of the way life was.

And look at me... am I older than I was? I still feel young, I still feel like a 13 year old. In fact when I give my age, I stumble a bit... because it feels like I never matured, I mean, numbers changed but not the person.

I hate and love research at the same time, excited because every time I open a book my way of thinking is changed in some way, but I hate having to then exercise my new found understanding onto a blank page.

I have some other thoughts, but I'll wait til a little later on in the night before I extrapolate.

Have a good night, whoever stumbles across this.

Desperate....

I had so little sleep last night...

I slept for stints of like 5 to 10 minutes... 5 to 10 minutes of nightmare... I gave up after about 2 hours and then after my alarm went off I slept for about 40 minutes of solid dreamless sleep.

And then I drove back to Portland. I could have let Dan drive I suppose but than what would I have done?

I need sleep so badly but it's like I forgot how... I'll lay down but I won't sleep... I just think...

And I've had enough time to think... I'm so... tired, sorry, confused, scared, depressed, anxious...

Fear overshadows the rest... and I'm scared spitless.