The Great Depression Deepens

I drive home and the rain spatters on the windshield, I look at the switch for the wipers, but I don't have the drive to turn it, the road blurs, I see the huge yellow circles of headlights moving towards me in the other lane, if I hadn't driven this road twice a day since I got my license it might be a little freaky, but I can close my eyes and see the road. I know the bumps and potholes before I feel the car reach them, my mind is in total chaos... the guy I thought I knew is nothing how I thought, the girl either, it's like I'm meeting two people for the first time. I'm so uncomfortable with it, but what do I say? I wish I could just fade out like I did exactly a year ago... Is there anything left for me here? Why did I come back? Thoughts just keep entering my head, questions to which I don't have answers.

Have you ever felt like the last person on earth that still holds the same values or ideals? Not surprising since my moral code was peiced together from dime-store western novels... makes life a little interesting though.

I miss Sarah and Alex and Parker and Haskell and Bohl and Craig and Felix. I miss Nick and Andy.

You know, sometimes it feels like there is no place to go but up. And then the rock beneath you crumbles and you find yourself a little lower than you were. I was low. I mean low, lying on my stomach swallowing dust low. And then... the ground beneath me collapsed, so now it's dark, damp and I'm choking on mud.

I went to X3 to get myself happy again, a pick me up if you will. NO! The opposite, there are few things that have ended with me feeling more depressed. The actual ending to the Hulk comics being one (Where the Hulk roams the desolate landscape that used to be Earth and Bruce Banner dies so the Hulk can never change back or else he too will die. The Hulk is forever alone until the end of time. The End.)

I've read the X-men comics, I've watched the cartoon series, I know what really happens. That what keeps me going.

My friend Koda got back from Virginia recently... for two weeks I had no one. I went to work, came home, talked to Sarah, went to sleep, and the cycle repeats at this point. And now I have a friend again, two actually because he has a girlfriend and like it or not, she's sorta stuck with me hanging around. And I don't want any sort of thoughts like "Oh, Brad doesn't have any friends." You want to know something, I never wanted, and still don't want, more than a few good friends, unfortunately with that comes a shortage of people to do stuff with.

Andy and Nick were the best to do stuff with, they were always up to do anything. Koda is pretty open minded about stuff too, but at the same time, I'm not that comfortable with him. I've changed and he hasn't. Or at least he seems exactly the same, I mean he has a girlfriend so that's a bit different. The way he talks, the way he acts, all exactly how I remember it.

My life is a shell now. I may not have liked Fox alot, but you know something, there was always somebody to talk to or something to do. I didn't get along with a lot of people at that school, a few I was vocal about, and many I wasn't. But I was happier in the bubble with my Black roommate. I don't know if Alex knows it, but I consider him one of my best friends.

And I'm so far away from all of it, everything that I have grown to love and appreciate. Sarah, my friends, heck even that frickin retarded school that I loathe with every fiber of my being sometimes.

I'm back here, doing the same thing I was a year ago, the year before that, and the year before that. I'm hanging around with Koda again... and it seems like life is moving super fast... backwards.

I have dreams about being back there, and then I wake and it's gone, like smoke.

I walked out the theater sad, on the verge of weeping? No, not quite, but the kind of sad where I just want to go home and sleep for a few days. And Sarah is busy tonight so I didn't want to bother her so I went through the contacts on my cell phone, calling everyone, no answers from any of them. Making me feel even more alone. It's like I'm on an entirely different planet.

So now I'm sitting here and every few minutes my phone rings so currently. Haskell was the first call back, followed closely by Alex.

Life is slow progressing, ever day the same until you don't know how long it's been, how long it'll be, what's happening in the world you knew without you in it... I sit in the cab of my truck thinking all day, sometimes simply about the task at hand, but my mind wanders, daydreams.

I work all these random thoughts, think of all these different scenarios for how my life could end up, wish I had more ambition or more motivation to succeed. My life, in the physical aspect has been perfect for a very long time. Amazing girlfriend, nice family, nice house, nice car. I have a job, I go to a good school, get good grades, I rarely do anything that's frowned upon and I never get myself into trouble. But I'm spoiled. I used to be such a prick I can't even convey it to you in words, and no one has seen me at my worst. I'm controlled enough not to let my thoughts see daylight. But I'm getting better. Fox was good for me, Sarah was amazing for me. Working this summer is good for me too, no matter how miserable it is.

I apologize for the length of this post, as I said before I sit in a truck and think all day, and this is one of the few times I can just let the thoughts flow out in a torrent.

Have a good night.