I can't escape from the music... I can't escape from the music!

So I'm hosting Eric's Myspace background for him. E to the P Music, its really good, his stuff is pretty mellow, it's pretty easy listening. But I'm glad I could help him out if in a pathetically small way.

I have a quiz in every class today. Yippee. I hate life. I don't feel so sick today though so that's a plus. My throat doesn't feel sore anymore. Hopefully I'm fine again in a day or so.

I got an Acura recall on my car that I'm super stoked about. They are going to replace a number of engine components on my Integra because it fell into a certain section of serial numbers. I'm really excited about it. But I'll probably have to wait until this weekend to get in to talk to an Acura dealer. I wish I could fix all the stuff on my car. And I wish I could finally fix it the way I want to. I want to fix is it as follows:

Fix the dent above the windows.
Fix the bowed out door
Replace the stereo
Replace the passenger door lock
Fix the dent next to the antenna
Swap the engine with a B18C (GS-R)
Install a turbo, intercooler, and all that jazz
Upgrade the suspension
Upgrade brake system
Tint windows (Not super dark but to a reasonable degree)
Upgrade the clutch
Volk TE37 Wheels
Toyo tread
Some audio modifications (Speaker, subs, amps and so forth...)

I'm really amped about my car right now... really excited and I don't have the time or the money for it so it really isn't a good thing. Okay well, I'm gonna study for my Macro quiz now... have a good day.

Positively Pessimistic

I have a quiz at 12:40. Chapel is in 30 minutes, but I'm not going. Have to finish my homework and study for the test.

My throat is really sore, the sickness is finally on me.

You don't realize how much your comments cut do you? You don't realize how deep they bite? It's not like I have difficulty remembering what I've done or what I've said, but you make sure I remember. Is that fair? Maybe it's what I deserve. Makes me want to walk away, head hung low, feeling like death.

It just adds to my increasingly ever-present confusion. You mask your emotions as you speak, the tone is so flat, your expression is too. I'm lost.

Happy for the most part.

Not a secret but not freely given...

God, grant me wisdom in what I do, and how I act. Help me to act not in my own interest but for your glory. Guide me Lord, because no plan or arrangement against you can hope to succeed. Give me wisdom, God, give me wisdom.

It's eerie. For the first time I can't talk to anyone. It makes me feel apart from them. For the first time since arriving at Fox I am alone. These people around me, they don't know who I am. They don't know what's happening. They are just faces. No one understands where I am. No one here could understand where I am, because I haven't told them, and maybe not even then. I am so alone. But you know, maybe not with full comprehension because I can't speak. Are you as lost as me? As scared as me? I am so confused I don't know where I'm going, the direction, the speed...

I'm eating with them and they are happy, I know the occassion and I should be happy too, maybe I am happy, but I can't feel the emotion. No emotion, just thought. I see smiles and it registers in my mind why, but I can't figure out how to smile. Please save me.

How did I get to be in this position? I was tired... but I wanted to stay, I didn't want it to end, I never want it to end. I wanted to stay...


I wanted to stay...

... and I'm sorry.

Neutral. Neutral? Screw that... put it in gear.

It seems that lately, I only turn to blogging in cases of emotional extremes (anger, depression, frustration, elation, etc, etc...) so I decided to write a neutral one. No emotional ties or hidden meanings here.

I have a really light load in Bible Survey this week, almost no reading, like 4 or 5 handbook pages a day. Business is business, though I have a midterm for it on Friday. I already got my homework done for Macroeconomics, and so besides chapel I really don't have anything to do today. I have a speech I need to start researching for, but I have 2 weeks yet before it's due so I have some time.

My roommate's sick... but I've been getting enough sleep lately that my immune system is keeping it from me.

And that is about it... life is really good right now. I don't know if it can get any better... more like this is the best it's ever been and I can't imagine the capacity for it being better than it already is.

Anyways, have a good week.

Ambiguous Relating to Situation Blog Title

So I left. To keep from saying something that I'd regret or you would. Though in all fairness it does prove that I don't talk often for a reason.

What I was meaning was far from what you understood, you are making me seem like an incredibly forward jerkoff. That is not the way I am, and that's the way it sounds. I'm the one that caused everything, everything is my fault. Who's there to defend me? No one.

That is what bothers me. And this makes me second guess myself, my intentions, my feelings... that is completely wrong.

I can't talk off-hand and I can't be blunt, look what happens... What do you want from me? You say you want one thing but you can't deal with the results. Where does that leave me, utterly confused, and usually, at the end of the night before I close my eyes, I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person.

This is how I get out what I'm thinking, I type faster than I think and I'll probably regret everything in the morning, but right now this is what's running through my head.

Alone

No one to talk to. No one to understand. Surrounded by pitch black. Blink... blink... blink... The cursor doesn't change, it's steady, like a flashing light at the end of a tunnel that doesn't seem to end. It mocks me, mocks my thoughts. But at the same time it gives me something to focus on. A goal. I'm typing as fast as I can to catch it but never overtake it. And I never reach the end of the tunnel...

I'm alone... no one is around.

Prophetic Perspective

Beebe Brethren... I dunno.

I don't plan for the future ever. I don't know whats going to happen.

I'm stuck between how ridiculously slow Fox internet is...

I just kinda wish this year would never end... I like how the living situation is right now, but at the same time I wish I could fast forward and already have this figured out... I really don't want to live off campus.

Tuesday the 14th...

So... the earth is round?

Crazy...

I'm just sitting here... wishing some things could be taken back, like when you speak before you think or don't speak when you should. Those sorts of situations. And you never know.

Will it be a joke if I say it now? Or will they hold it against me... I'm just... I don't know.

I'm super happy. More happy, more content, just more...

Sarah, I wish I could be more straight forward with you, I wish I could vocalize thoughts and feelings better, and I'm trying, but I'm just not very good at it. I never have words sufficient enough to explain anything... I'm sorry.

I never know what to do though. Never.


Battery is about to die... I'll have to edit and re-put out there later.

Running out on Patience

Bored, not disappointed. Expected, not irritated.

Why do I feel so alone, so uneasy, so uncertain, so uncontent? I talk with people for hours and it feels like I've accomplished nothing. Do I not place value in other people? I care for others, I take pride in others as much as myself, even boastful of others talents. But I still feel this... this gnawing at my insides for more, like my heart knows that my brain is wasting what time it's been given.

Why is it so difficult for me to explain and moreso for you to accept? Because it isn't what you wish it to be? Everyone says they understand but they are in a different world. Nothing about me can or should be changed, its because of everything that's happened that I turned out this way. Am I ashamed? No, never, and I refuse to be.

Why am I always left wanting after I finish a song, movie, or book?

Was I born in the wrong era that I feel more comfortable with a sword than a cell phone? A rifle rather than technology? A soldier rather than scholar?

Taken for granted. Why don't I yearn for knowledge? Why do I lose enthusiasm, where does the motivation come from?

I am uncertainty. I am irresponsibility. I am uncertainty.

But I am feeling more contented now. I'm not small, I don't understand you, but than again, none of you understand me either. You would be as lost where I have been as I am where you are.

Introvert.

Wishing for what I was, but wanting what I have.

Trying to Reconnect

Felt good to talk about it with Aaron. The simplicity of the conversation, the texture, the openness of it, the understanding.

All I said was that she was amazing. And he said that it was enough.

That is what I've been missing.


It's 1:35, it's been less than an hour since I've seen you, but I miss you like it's been days. Now I'm going to lose myself in sleep, it's the only way I won't feel it.

Sleep well.

I wish I would have gone on that walk with you...

By any other name...

Being bored is just that being bored. It's a measure of patience, how enduring can you be before you finally do something about your boredom. In my case the boredom is nothing I can solve, nothing seems to motivate me, play Halo? No thanks. Play a PC Game? Not in the mood. I'm just listening to music, sitting in the darkness, being bored.

I'm waiting of course, for my old man to call me and to give me an idea for an activity. But as he and Craig seem to be taking their sweet time... I'm stuck right here. My cell phone becoming a ball and chain. I can't start any activity cause I have the fear that I won't be able to complete it. That I'll be summoned right when I start to get into it. That's why I'm not in the mood for anything.

I'm alone though, for the first time in what seems like forever. There's no one here. I can't just walk into someone's room and talk because no one is around. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. In some ways I just want to lock my door, flip on all the lights, and play around on my computer for the next 12 hours or until my eyes bleed. But alas, those days are over, at least for a while...

I'm so... confused about tonight what will happen, how will it work...

If my dad wasn't in town I would probably put myself in the driver's seat and go to Sherwood and watch a movie. "By yourself?" You might ask. Of course, I used to do it all the time. Remember I didn't always have someone around to do stuff with... be like getting back to the norm almost hehe.

Well there's the call... and now I have instruction, I'll see you later.

Have a good night.

I'm not ready to move yet...

3 months left? That's not possible... I've been in Penn for what seems like no time at all. It feels like nothing.

Just talking to Hask and my brother about Penn getting taken out in 5 years or so, and the new dorms going up... I feel a pang of sorrow/sadness and a bit depressed.

I don't want the year to end, this year has been the best year of my life. I'm going to miss it.

Every day is better than the one before it, and its easy to lose track of time, classes, life in general lately.

But I'm pulling it all together, changing my room back kind of gave me a renewed sense of organization. I spent a few hours rearranging files on my computer, organizing everything.

So now I'm sitting in my brother's apartment, listening to the dryer, wishing it would get done so I could get out of here...

I haven't really had a chance to see Sarah today and it's kind of depressing, if I think about it, I was with her more this morning than usual... and it was amazing, its always amazing. And now I just want to be with her and I'm stuck here... but I think I'm gonna take off early.

I'm bored, and depressed. I've been merging images of my high school with Fox lately, almost like I'm overlapping my high school memories with Fox.

Weird...

Doubt... No its Dought... Wait... Dout?

I don't have any doubt now, no indecision.

So you don't have to worry anymore. (Though I know you will)

I hold stuff back so that when I say it, It'll mean something. Not simply words being thrown out to satisfy you, but words that hold meaning to me, for me.

Now I have a lot of work. Have an amazing day.

Pulling Everything Together...

I just have to organize myself... something that happens ever few months... I kind of get everything back on track. I organize all the files on my PC and my laptop, organize things in my room, get everything done.

That day kind of feels like today. I'm overcome with this urge to just fix everything.

I choose to blame this "syndrome" on my brother. Friggin perfectionist neat freak...

Alright so... that's what I'm going to do.

Just thought... you know... someone out there might care, or be bored and so checking this for something new.

Other thoughts... Cullen Baker is bad a... and Bohl didn't do his hair today, which is kind of unnerving.

And I really hate Microeconomics because of the professors cultural allusions. Like that? I learned that in Intro to Communications.

And for a sidenote... I had a really really strong urge to Torrent today. I was just sitting at my computer, deleting, uninstalling, organizing... and I really wanted to be downloading... and it makes me sad that I lack the ability here.

But until next time time...

//.3nd 7r4n5m1551on..

I turned off the music

"At least you know where you stand with people you hate." - Myself.

That is my view of things... maybe thats what was in the back of my mind all those years when I wanted nothing to do with people. When you know someone hates you, you never worry about that person ever again.

When you like someone and they like you back, this unsettling feeling lowers onto your shoulders and you ready yourself, because you know for an absolute fact that any minute now... they'll hate you. And so you prepare yourself for the blow. Never opening up fully because you don't want the attack to hit any of the vitals. I opened up... and at any time I could get knocked down... and not want to get back up.

And now I'm in turmoil. I feel this torrent in me. And I have no idea where I'm gonna get swept to. And I know, even if we were to talk... what would I say. My mind blanks and I forget the matter at hand.

The joke was crude, I understand. But not allowing a chance to explain myself or figure out why a friend would say something that I have no reason to expect isn't fair.

I want to say so much, but it makes me out to sound like it's not my fault, or that it's yours and that's not what I want. It was a misunderstanding.

I can't guess what's going to happen, or the reaction...

The only thing I can work on is prevention I guess in the end.

You can't gauge everyone's reactions the same. So don't try and imagine what another person is thinking, you won't do anything but cause yourself needless worry. Because people can be surprising.

I can't listen to music right now, I shut down my PC, turned off the speakers, and now I guess I just sit, I don't want to be like that.

I see other people and some are affected... others have no idea, its like watching through a window I guess.


This isn't the end... and editing will most likely come, first I need to talk it out.

Define:Culture

What am I? I'm a geek, a nerd in some cases, but in more general terms just a freak.

Star Wars? Ask me... anything. I can even draw PPC and supply and demand curves for the economy of Star Wars Galaxies... sick? Maybe. But I look at it as a badge. A symbol of who I am... what I stand for.

I am gaming. I am technology, maybe not in full understanding, but complete in usage. Who can out perform me and Andy in any sort of game? No one.

I have more experience with NPC interaction than with real people.

And I regret none of it, its still apart of me. It's a skill set.

And as soon as I have another chance, I'm gonna throw myself headlong right back into it... why? Because I feel comfortable there. It is a society and I am part of it.

Andy taught me endurance, or at least I became more motivated to endure. He taught me about quality...

Andy, you are what kept me from being... the way I was. You saved me man. And I will always be your friend for that.

You gave me your computer for a summer... for a couple years if you think about it. And I can never repay you for that appropriately.

You are one of the defining factors for what I'm gonna call my success in my late teens. If you can look at me as a success.

Blew Up... And Then It Blew Over

So my car was broken into, the body was dented above the door, the door bent outward, the lock screwed up by someone trying to pound a screwdriver into the keyhole...

And I think, why does this crap happen to me. There are BMW's in the parking lot, there's a WRX one street over. Why try on my Integra?

Douche bags... if I ever were to meet them, there would be no rage involved, simply me judging them. And by judging I mean a sharp object to the temple and then they're in hell.

And I blew up... after more than half a day since I found it, I finally blew up. Not as much as I remember I used to, and I can still control it. It's just a deep burning rage, and I stiff-leggedly walk back towards the building after cussing up a storm to my brother (something I haven't really done in months). I am so angry I can't even focus, my vision is blurred. And then I see you... and you're beautiful.

And my anger drops off for a split-second and I'm just seeing you. And I hear your voice and the moment ends and I feel the anger, but not as intensely as before. I retreat back to my room, tell my roommate to turn on the angriest music he has... and start losing myself in the screaming tornado that is my life.

And then you call... and I hear your voice, and there's no judgement there, just caring. It was like finding the eye of the tornado. It was relief.

And the anger was erased and I suddenly felt ashamed of the emotion that was controlling me. And I realize it's different now... I'm not alone in everything anymore. And so that is how I came to be at my current position.

I'm kind of elated. Yeah it was misfortune... but I guess it needed to happen so I could get over it, teach me how to deal with it.

You can't place value in material things... because they can be stolen, destroyed, or lost. Ironic how Sarah and I had had that very conversation about 6 hours before I found my deck stripped out of the dash.