I turned off the music

"At least you know where you stand with people you hate." - Myself.

That is my view of things... maybe thats what was in the back of my mind all those years when I wanted nothing to do with people. When you know someone hates you, you never worry about that person ever again.

When you like someone and they like you back, this unsettling feeling lowers onto your shoulders and you ready yourself, because you know for an absolute fact that any minute now... they'll hate you. And so you prepare yourself for the blow. Never opening up fully because you don't want the attack to hit any of the vitals. I opened up... and at any time I could get knocked down... and not want to get back up.

And now I'm in turmoil. I feel this torrent in me. And I have no idea where I'm gonna get swept to. And I know, even if we were to talk... what would I say. My mind blanks and I forget the matter at hand.

The joke was crude, I understand. But not allowing a chance to explain myself or figure out why a friend would say something that I have no reason to expect isn't fair.

I want to say so much, but it makes me out to sound like it's not my fault, or that it's yours and that's not what I want. It was a misunderstanding.

I can't guess what's going to happen, or the reaction...

The only thing I can work on is prevention I guess in the end.

You can't gauge everyone's reactions the same. So don't try and imagine what another person is thinking, you won't do anything but cause yourself needless worry. Because people can be surprising.

I can't listen to music right now, I shut down my PC, turned off the speakers, and now I guess I just sit, I don't want to be like that.

I see other people and some are affected... others have no idea, its like watching through a window I guess.


This isn't the end... and editing will most likely come, first I need to talk it out.