I'm a hick. Yessir, I am.

So... I've spent the last week running around doing errands for my old man, drove for a few hours yesterday.

I can feel the rural seepin' back into my veins. But as much as I wanted to be home, I don't have it in me to stay put, I already wanna be back in my car driving away, not necessarily to be anywhere, just to get somewhere. It's raining outside, so no work today, fields are too wet and muddy, the trucks would get stuck trying to pull through 'em. (Though the trucks almost get stuck pullin through them when they're dry, that field is like a sand pit.)

I'm just sitting here, laptop sitting on the floor next to me, headphones on... listening to Tom Petty and Skynard.

I feel like I'm ready to head back, home was good for a bit, but now it's time to get back to Oregon.

I reaffirmed who I am, why I am the way I am. And now I can go back.


I was lucky that God made it rain, I stayed up way later than I should have because of some stuff going on. So I was really tired. But Fox has me ruined, unless I go to bed really late, I'll always wake up at least 3 times before 10. I can usually go back to sleep but... lately I haven't been able to.

Ok... well it's getting to the time of day where I should get up and do something.

Later

I remember back to a time... wait was that yesterday?

So... I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Me and my brother are both back home. And we hung out today. How weird is that? It's like a bizarro world.

Driving the trucks, working on trucks, running errands, welcome to my life... 7 months ago. haha. Life is the same as it was, the last 7 months could have been a dream if Dan wasn't here to keep me from waking up.

Finding Truth In The Lie...

So I wonder, when random people wander across my blog do I seem like the typical teenager? Angry at the world, at life, at how complicated my life is... is that I am? That certainly is my intent once in a while, but generally that's not my intent. I'm happy with the way my life is right now. I'm not perfect in any way and I know I'm not "old enough" to know how tough life can be... but then again, how old do I have to be before my past becomes life experience?

Are all teenagers angry at the world? No. I don't believe that to be true, I do believe they are naive and ignorant for the most part. I was naive. Only 7 months ago I was naive compared to now, not ignorant because I knew what was out there I saw both roads, but didn't see it for what it really was, it was sugar-coated. I'm still naive because of the path I've chosen, but those that took another road are naive to way life is for me. So it was a trade of one life for another... did I choose the correct path? That's something only a study into the long run will show.

I realize that I haven't blogged in a few days, but then again, not many people read this so... It's not like the world ends right? Right.

I hate it when people take things for granted. More angry because I hate it and I do it. That is infuriating.

I have an awesome family, an amazing girlfriend, a wicked car... I go to a good school... what else is there? How serious of a person am I, and how serious should I be? Should life be coming together at this point? Should everything suddenly fall into place like a perfectly played game of Tetris®? I don't know... life is confusing for me but I don't hate it or think that my life is more confusing than anyone else's... I have issues that might make things difficult in my personal case, but I don't think I'm more confused, beat-down, or angry than the next college kid. You know?

And with that I'll say good morning. Have a good day. And you know what? I really mean that.

Preparing to Run

I'm heading back to Idaho... I'm heading home.

Me and Big Dan are leaving for Idaho at 4 AM tomorrow.

Long drive ahead of us...

The Half-life of Horror

Can life exist without conflict? Every hero needs conflict... but the real question is am I a hero and is it something I need to exist?

A hero...

The world needs heroes just like a hero needs a conflict to arise victorious out of.

Is it strange that I zone out and my head is filled with these heroic daydreams?

Makes a person feel out of place. I was born in the wrong era... I can only be a hero through games and movies, through the media.

Oh well... I guess I wait until the right conflict arises. It seems that I'm always so far out of adventure's way.

But I guess that's what creates the hero, a situation, a conflict, and without one an ordinary person will remain an ordinary person. But is it the hero that seeks adventure or is that the villain's job?

Is the hero the happenstance victor, the person thrown in without choice and has to protect all he's ever known? That's what it seems like.

That makes me the villain. But a hero can't be born without a villain right? That is the villain's job... to create the hero.

So I create a hero, but what if the villain is the hero?

Life at 10:15

I'm not insecure. Or at least I don't believe I am. Am I unsure or doubtful of the future? Of course, what person my age isn't?

When did you become the sun? I can't even remember now, it feels so long ago... but it hasn't been long at all. I can't remember the time frame but I remember how it felt, how it happened.

Have I changed, am I not a fun guy anymore? Is everyone right... have I become soft, have I become too... serious? I don't remember the change... I don't even feel a change... or do I?

How much fun was it? I can't remember now...

I want to put money into my car, into my computer, into games... will I ever be able to again?

I wonder if I'll ever be in the position to do stuff as freely as before. My money has other demands now... like supporting me.

Oh well, maybe someday.

Blow Your Mind - Phase 1

Okay, got the stereo installed in my car yesterday. I'm excited. The deck is awesome. I love it will all of my being.

And God said it was good.

I'm hoping to upgrade the speakers and maybe add an amp and a sub later this summer. Who knows... I never know what I'm going to do.

Random awesomeness and other stuff.

Alone, and alone, and alone, and alone and silence...

So I've become accustomed to no one commenting on my blog entries anymore... for some reason, maybe intimidated by sheer amounts of my posts. That's what I thought because the comments stopped when I began blogging nearly every day... or maybe nobody cares about the blog, or nobody reads it... and that's cool... except now it freaks me out when I find out that somebody actually looks at it...

So now when I see a comment, like Whatafreak commented on my last post... that blew me away... Honestly, I was excited when I saw that... is that sad or what?

Anyways... I dunno... I'm gonna go... this class is boring... Good day to you.

ANGST!

So as I read my friend Whatafreak's blog entry I'm suddenly finding it mirroring my own feelings, my own thoughts.

I have no motivation for what I am doing. I have no passion for something that I feel that doesn't mean anything to me. I just want to be away, you know? I want to be back in Idaho, without any care but getting to work on time and putting more money into my car. I want to be in another country doing something, anything. I want to be away. I don't feel that business is where I want to be, not because I feel I don't belong, and not because I feel I'm not good at it (I am good at it, I just have yet to apply myself in any class so far this semester), I just don't feel comfortable doing anything when I don't have a goal in mind. I have no idea where I am going to end up, what I am going to be doing, it's hard to choose a path in the school to follow without some plan for the future. I want to own a car shop, I want to work on cars, fix cars up, do modifications... But I can't, that dream is unattainable to me. I want to own a gaming shop, a computer business, so many goals and so little chance of any sort of accomplishment. Because I have no motivation.

I have no path. I am lost, like a wolf in a world of sheep and the wool is starting to slip off.

Life is never going to turn out. I am never going to accomplish anything. I need to pursue at least one dream...

My brother bought a brand new pickup tonight. I get more excited and enthused about cars than I do about anything else in the world... but I can't seem to find a way to bring it all together in my mind. School, Cars, and the Future... for some reason it never fuses into a feasible vision.

So where do I go from here?

Where do I go?

I am so... confused, lost, and tired. Tired of not knowing how anything is going to turn out. And angry too, I am angry that I don't know what I want to do, that I can't decide on anything.

And I'm angry that I can't make myself actually try in my classes, that I slip because I still don't care. In high school, I always told myself it's okay if you don't care about class, high school doesn't matter, College matters I'll actually pay attention in college... but I find myself doing the exact same thing, not paying attention, not doing my work all the time, not giving my best effort... and now I suffer for it. My GPA suffers, my future suffers.

I am tired of all of this trash...

I just want to work on cars and be happy... and have a clothing line maybe... I've always wanted that. Maybe I could fuse the two together... who knows.

I'm going to stop now... I'm tired and aggitated... and I'm likely to have an aneurysm if this continues...

I want to be motivated, I want to succeed, sometimes you just have to grab life by the throat and make it do what you want it to... Make yourself succeed.

In the beginning...

What does it mean that it's only been 3 hours since I've seen Sarah and it feels like forever. Because I know I won't see her for 2 days, that's probably the reason for the feeling.

2 days? How much I already miss her, and how much more when I wake up Sunday morning... I can't even fathom what the summer is going to bring... I might not see her for a month at first.

How lucky am I that she makes time so that I can see her everyday?

How am I going to survive through the summer without being able to see her like this?

What seemed convenient never was to begin with, because I knew how hard it would be once the year was out. Even when I first started liking her it was a constant nagging worry: How am I going to deal with the summer if something develops? Well, now something has, and now I have to deal.

But I like her, more than I can explain, more than I even realize. And I wholeheartedly believe it's worth it.

9 hours of driving for a chance to see her? Heck yeah I'd do it, in a second, in a heartbeat...

On a different note: I played Guild Wars today, first time I've gamed since December, and even though it's a crappy game as far as MMOs go, it's better than nothing.

Better get back to reality for a while.

Blurring the Line...

Is there a point where reality and fantasy cross? I believe so... at some point, it's the time between when you wake up and you open your eyes... for those few seconds, the world could potentially be anything you believe it to be.

I went to sleep at around 5:30 this morning... I am dead tired. But with being utterly exhausted comes this really great feeling of emotional distance. You feel like you aren't yourself, like you're watching yourself throughout your day. Able to persuade yourself to make decisions but a separate entity altogether.

How do I keep going like this? Easy. You can't stop. It's an impossible thing. To stop is to ultimately die. And I'm nowhere near ready to die.

How complicated life can be at 18 years of age. How much more so will it become, when you feel like you are overwhelmed, at your breaking point, all of sudden the burden seems to grow, in size weight and density.

Am I ready for any of the responsibility? How much do I think I can handle and how much can I actually take? Two entirely different amounts, my heart says to grab life and choke a torrent of joy from it's core, but the brain tells me to move cautiously... slowly... tries to uproot me with doubt and indecision.

But what is there to be indecisive about? I've made my choice already.

My blog started out with me... so angry, so mean, so crude... my first statement was to be devoid of this "sentimental crap." What have I become? Be honest... what do you see?



(Sidenote: Is it weird when other people can write your name better than you can? Even when you've been writing it for better than 15 years?)

The Morning of the Monday of the Week After...

This last week was incredible.


Everything was incredible. Sarah met my family and she was wonderful.
And she went with me to Drew Maves' wedding and met alot of people that have been close to me for as long as I can remember. And she was perfect. My parents really liked her, which makes me happy because if they didn't I would ignore them and like her anyway, but it makes me feel a lot better that they don't disapprove.

Assassins started at midnight last night... excited? Not really, a little... I dunno, let down that they didn't try anything. Courtney is sitting 10 feet from 5 Penn men... I bet she's feeling uncomfortable at the moment... mwah hahahaha.

It's funny how every week lately has been a contender for the best week of my life. Every week is better than the one before it.

And then all of a sudden... I get this really nervous, flighty feeling. I want to run. I want to get away... from what? I don't know. Life. Responsibility. But I want to take her with me.

I have had 2 weeks to write my speech. I haven't done anything. I haven't researched or even thought about it basically.


And so this is how it ends, recognition of laziness, realization of fault.

It's been what 7 hours and 30 minutes since I've seen her... Weird that I realize this? That I think about it? Not really, I have a constant running commentary of memories and conversations... Makes me want the next time to happen that much sooner.

Lag.... LAAAAAAAG! Just kill me now...

I decided to blog at 8:15, It's now 8:22... it took 7 minutes to login and create a new post. Need I say more about Fox's internet...

8 Minutes before I leave for class, can anything of value be uttered in that amount of time? Let's watch:

I hate the time before classes, it's horrible. It's never enough time to go and do anything, so you just have to sit and wait. I listen to music, check my email, maybe talk to someone on an instant messenger... just waiting for time to pass, feeling myself get older.

I'm so tired right now, I went to bed after 2:30 and wake up at 7:30. Was it worth it? It is always worth it.

3 classes today. A 6-page packet to get done before 12:40 that I haven't done yet and I need to have the Gospel of Mark read before 2:40, why do I put myself in these predicaments? Because, other things are more important.

2 more minutes:

I want sleep, but I won't ever get it. I can't sleep after class because Chapel is an hour away and an hour of sleep would leave me more trashed than I already am... and I have to do that stupid piece of crap packet and read Mark.

And so time is up... I'm going to walk to class.

My parents are coming down Thursday night and Sarah finally gets to meet them.

It'll be fun.



Listening to nostalgia... and remembering the good times.