ANGST!

So as I read my friend Whatafreak's blog entry I'm suddenly finding it mirroring my own feelings, my own thoughts.

I have no motivation for what I am doing. I have no passion for something that I feel that doesn't mean anything to me. I just want to be away, you know? I want to be back in Idaho, without any care but getting to work on time and putting more money into my car. I want to be in another country doing something, anything. I want to be away. I don't feel that business is where I want to be, not because I feel I don't belong, and not because I feel I'm not good at it (I am good at it, I just have yet to apply myself in any class so far this semester), I just don't feel comfortable doing anything when I don't have a goal in mind. I have no idea where I am going to end up, what I am going to be doing, it's hard to choose a path in the school to follow without some plan for the future. I want to own a car shop, I want to work on cars, fix cars up, do modifications... But I can't, that dream is unattainable to me. I want to own a gaming shop, a computer business, so many goals and so little chance of any sort of accomplishment. Because I have no motivation.

I have no path. I am lost, like a wolf in a world of sheep and the wool is starting to slip off.

Life is never going to turn out. I am never going to accomplish anything. I need to pursue at least one dream...

My brother bought a brand new pickup tonight. I get more excited and enthused about cars than I do about anything else in the world... but I can't seem to find a way to bring it all together in my mind. School, Cars, and the Future... for some reason it never fuses into a feasible vision.

So where do I go from here?

Where do I go?

I am so... confused, lost, and tired. Tired of not knowing how anything is going to turn out. And angry too, I am angry that I don't know what I want to do, that I can't decide on anything.

And I'm angry that I can't make myself actually try in my classes, that I slip because I still don't care. In high school, I always told myself it's okay if you don't care about class, high school doesn't matter, College matters I'll actually pay attention in college... but I find myself doing the exact same thing, not paying attention, not doing my work all the time, not giving my best effort... and now I suffer for it. My GPA suffers, my future suffers.

I am tired of all of this trash...

I just want to work on cars and be happy... and have a clothing line maybe... I've always wanted that. Maybe I could fuse the two together... who knows.

I'm going to stop now... I'm tired and aggitated... and I'm likely to have an aneurysm if this continues...

I want to be motivated, I want to succeed, sometimes you just have to grab life by the throat and make it do what you want it to... Make yourself succeed.