Present Moment

So like Whatafreak I attained a new mouse as well, the new(er) Logitech MX Revolution. The thing rocks. And the software bundled with it wasn't entirely retarded so I was okay.

Moving on...

I'm tired of sitting here... waiting.

I want to do something, I want to start something, I want life to continue even though I'm in college. But it seemingly does not. It halts. And I can't figure out for the life of me how to get it started again. Every idea seems so far fetched but inside me, I know that I can do it.

I want to start now but before I do that I need to have knowledge, which I lack. I need to know what I'm doing and I have no idea how to go about gaining that precise knowledge.

So I sit here, wasting time, wasting life, day dreaming. I have so many thoughts in my head, so many ideas... but they seem like schemes because I haven't thought them all the way out. I know for some reason, it would fail. And I don't want to put myself into financial woes because of a failure.

I can feel is wash over me... like a great Torrent of information!

My torrents are working again! On Fox's connection! I can't believe it... it's slow and pathetic, a trickly compared to what I'm used to, but it's working, like ebbing life back into me a bit at a time.

I'm actually really excited again. To have that back at least, a tiny part of myself.

This week is looking up! I can't wait to find some new and interesting things to torrent.

But then again... that's kind of one reason I quit torrenting... there's was nothing to download that I was interested in.

Hooray!

Attitude, Mood, Reason, What have you...

Is this it?

That is my reason for all the irritation all the attitude all the blank stares and daydreams I seem to have lately. Shouldn't there be a goal or something to give drive to attain/achieve? Something to spark or fuel ambition? No, apparently there isn't. And that's why I've been so unhappy lately. Don't get me wrong there's alot in my life that is very, very good. But I hope to attain more this... isn't that why I entered school?

But then why are those outside of school still moving along, attaining the things I want as I wait? I don't feel like I'm going anywhere, like I'm pedaling as hard as I can but the chain came off so I'm not moving anywhere...

I don't know what I need to do to succeed. I'm just... bored, I guess, and tired of waiting. I want to be doing. I want to be doing something. I need to find a hobby or something. Because this waiting is just boring work.

Reminiscing About The Future...

So with the addition of another blog entry I have to assume that no one reads what I write anyways so anything I say is as good as still in my mind. But it's nice to be able to catalog thoughts so you can go back and remember how you felt.

I'm going to speak on some disappointments that I've felt recently.

Life at Fox makes me sad or depressed for the most part. I sat down in the Bon with David Way the day before yesterday and another girl was telling us how she hated it when people beat around the bush and tried to trick the teacher into saying what they wanted to say so they could agree. And you know what, that may look cowardly, but not when you view the alternative... have you ever said something controversial in a classroom at Fox? You get torn to shreds. And as I pointed this out, you could see from their expressions and nods of agreement that I was right, that is what happens. Commie Kyle, with no offense to Kyle, may generally be the way Kyle is: a badass, but I have never felt judged while in Kyle's presence, I've never felt uncomfortable or that I wasn't good enough, religious enough, smart enough. And that feeling of not being enough is a feeling I get while sitting in a classroom at Fox, listening to my peers answer questions or speak aloud about politically correct "Christian issues." I wonder how many care and how many are acting...

I may not be the strongest Christian, I may be mean sometimes, not love my neighbor as much as I should, but I realize that weakness, I don't try to convince people of my piousness, that is between me and the big man.

Fox is a Christian school, and it shouldn't be that I feel that my faith's less than it was before I came. I had hoped for a strengthening experience, and while there have been(a good deal thanks to Penn, and most importantly Haskell and Sarah), there's been way more instances or situations that deter or diminish what I have.

I know it's not my place to judge, and realistically I should be one of the last, but it's sad to see so much of the blatant disregard from others from what I'm no longer going to refer to as Christians, since there are a good group of people that are actually amazing Christians that I don't think should be grouped with those that I speak of, so I'm going to call those I don't like as "Fox Specials" as a way of capturing a group at once without overgeneralizing.

And with that, good night everyone.

Belated Resolutions

So I've had a few days after New Years, almost a week, to decide some resolutions.

And I guess these are going to be a little bit more extravagant or unreal than what we've been accustomed to seeing resolutions as: Losing weight, Eating more healthy, Working out more, etc, etc...

Here are a list of mine:

1. Be happy with myself. Stop putting forth unreal expectations.

With that said here's the rest:

2. Draw more, sketch more, pursue the comic book that's been at the back of your skull all these years.

3. Work a little harder on school, less so on WoW / CoH/CoV

4. Be more open to stuff, responsibility is coming on swift wings, you're not going to be 19 forever.

5. Maybe take a break from my computer and read a book once in a while, or a comic book, okay e-books count.

6. Perhaps expand my horizons past cars and computer games. (Warning: Don't get too crazy. Cars and Computers are nice remember, you don't have to if you don't want too, I know you're an extremist... freak.)

7. Spend more time showing Sarah she's the most amazing girl on the planet.

8. Make Haskell and Bohl feel guilty for abandoning their radical anti-girl stances last year for girlfriends this year, and more so for abandoning me in the process (Haskell knows what I mean, in Portland for almost 2 weeks and didn't see him once... NOT EVEN ONCE! Bohl is okay though, he still makes time for friends, I love Bohl, I LOATHE HASKELL)

9. Talk to friends instead of merely nodding recognition at them as I pass by.

10. Stop being such a hermit, I know you, you just want to sit in front of your computer, and guess what, soon, when everyone hates you, you'll have plenty of time for that, so use this time wisely.

11. Hone my force powers beyond Force Speed and Persuasion, there's more to life than outrunning everyone and making everyone think you're awesome. You don't want to sell me deathsticks, you want to go home and rethink your life.

12. More organization, no more writing papers the night before or turning in assignments late. No more staying up all night, I'm not 18 anymore, I can't take that allnighter stuff anymore.

13. Don't be such a prick, everyone already hates you/fears you. Why don't you try to make a new friend, jerk?

14. Don't be so awesome, it makes everyone around you feel insignicant and worthless, tone down the awesome a little, okay?

15. Think of at least 15 new get rich quick schemes and market them on the internet in a book for the low low price of $195.98 (additional tax is buyer is from California).

I'm going to end on 15, because 15 is my favorite number.

So yeah, those are my years goals...

Wow... that's kind of a long list, how am I going to do that, I need to take some of those out... like 13, 13 definitely doesn't need to be there...

Out for Blood...

Okay so honestly, I don't know what critics are understanding, but they are treating the entire movie Blood Diamond, even the conscience heavy message that the director, Edward Zwick, successfully presses on the audience, as fiction.

I watched the movie last night, the preview looked good, but what I saw was the Invisible Children message from a completely different standpoint. That of violence and immersion into the situation that nothing but the silver screen can produce.

And it provoked thoughts, as any movie pointing at real struggles does. My question is, Does this Hollywood treatment help or hurt the cause? They romanticize the struggle, give it heroes, but I'm unsure if it succeeded in motivating. There was so much more that could have been done I understand, but the message was clear: There are still over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa.

I believe that critics are reviewing the movie in the wrong ways. It's a big screen picture with a documentary message. And that message isn't making it to the public. The realities are harsh and the filmmaking and cinematography are never perfect, but the message is the important part. The message of the movie should be the focus, not the cinematography.

My only thought as I left the theatre was that I wanted to seriously injure anyone who said they didn't like the United States and didn't want to be here. Because they are a minority of the most priveledged people in the world, and if they don't want it, there are people that are literally dying to have that opportunity. If you don't like the freedom and the safety that our Nation has provided, then get out.

Friends

People change. It's the natural way of things, we get older, learn, and we change because of what we've learned getting older. Original reasons you may have liked someone change. Maybe that trait is gone forever. Maybe you see something in them that you'd never noticed before. But for some reason or another you stop being friends.

This has happened to me. I'm reminded of it daily. And I remember the reasons. He lies, he cheats, he infuriates me with his self-rightness. But maybe half of that is my own stubborn pride, unwillingness to accept that I may have been wrong in trying to prove him wrong.

There's a load of reasons why I don't like him, but I still think back to a time when he was my best friend. How much fun we'd had that good 12 years that we were friends. There was fun aplenty. But there were problems too.

What happens when you have friends that aren't friends with each other. Where one side even hates the other? You have to pick a side and I had to pick, I was forced to pick a side because of the actions of one of them. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't had to choose and that I could sit down and just be friends again, but while he was my best friend, I was never his. That made the decision a little easier I suppose, but it's still hard. Sometimes I wish that we could go back 12 years and have the fun over again. But this time I'd be a little smarter I think, know what to do and not to do, maybe not get into so much trouble along the way... but without the chance of getting in trouble, where's the fun?

Nightmare before Christmas

It's a dream. It has to be.

And I'm going to wake up soon. I know I will. This can't be real.

There's no way this is Christmas.

But what do I say? Is there anything I can say?

Life isn't going to return to normal now is it?

And there's nothing I can do.

Absolutely nothing.

God, are you going to let his happen? Why? Why don't you do something? I prayed so hard. Why can't you do something miraculous now?

A feud, but inside the family...

I'm proud of my name, I'm proud of what it stood for. The man it stood for. That man is gone now. And without him the name is starting to look like a shell of it's original strength. That man is the reason I am not ashamed of my name, my size, my country roots, my blue-collar past. I was born to the field, for the field. I can turn a chunk of dry, arid, rocky desert into a lush, green plain. Green as the sun is hot.

That man was my Grandfather. He is my father, and he is me.

He held my world together with his bare hands, calloused and strong. At 70 years old he could pick up a boulder my size and tip it into bucket on the loader, he could work from dark to dark. He worked hard to give his children a chance, the same way my father worked for me, the same way that I'm going to work for my children.

I came from two strong families. My potential is great, though my work ethic lacks at times. I won't let it loosen any more. Not after what has happened.

That man didn't teach us about lying or deception. Especially not among family. There was no take in that man, just giving. He was about helping each other, what one had we all had. We didn't have wealth, but we had each other, and when wealth comes before each other, that's when we know they forgot him. Now I'm just raging. Fire like this hasn't burned in me in so long I forgot what it was like. Like the feeling of the steering wheel at 110, or the grip of a gun as it's fired, like the recoil of a bat as it connects with a ball, but all multiplied by a thousand.

And the only thought on my mind is payback. Revenge upon my family. And violence isn't the solution, the solution is success. It's the only way to win. And I will. I don't care how hard it is, I will.

He wanted school for me. He wanted it for his grandchildren like he wanted it for his children. And I'm going to finish and I'm going to succeed, I'm going to... I'm going to...

Steady Moving until 60...

Got level 33 two days ago, yesterday reached 34, today reached 35, and tonight probably 36. I'm moving steady.

Blogging about it helps me stay motivated I suppose. I got my first PvP kills in Stranglethorn Vale today. Horde are morons.

More later.

Slow climb to 60...

Me and Andy are playing WoW. We have decided to play to 60. No alts. We both started characters on the Dentarg server. I am a Dwarf Paladin, named Exon. And Andy is Megas, a Human Mage.

With the low server population it's hard to get groups for instances, but with us being the same level, we breeze through our quests and advance in levels fairly quickly with quest experience.

We don't play very much though, maybe 4 hours a day if you add up all the 1/2 hours I log in to play for a few minutes before a class.

Level progression is slow.

But we are progressing steadily, so maybe it's not so bad.

Halfway to 24... I'm gonna log on for about 1/2 an hour. Maybe I can get closer.

Lackluster Gaming...

I'm really not liking playing WoW anymore. I don't like playing alone, which is how I feel since I dont' like the people I'm forced to play with.

I miss playing with Nick and Andy all the the time and I hope someday we can have that again.

I've been more enthusiastic about homework than gaming lately... that's how little I want to play anymore.

The game doesn't help me accomplish anything, and lately it hasn't even been fun or entertaining. The funnest I've had gaming was when me and Andy sent tells back and forth for 30 minutes.

I really miss Nick and Andy.

And Nicklaus, just so you know, I felt a swell of pride knowing that my accounting prof said that a Finance Degree from a state institution like yours would be better than one from Fox because they are more focused. You are amazing Nicklaus.

Andy, I'm going to hire you to be my Know-it-all. A Professional Know-it-all. It's perfect! How does $50,000 a year starting sound?

I miss talking about cars and computers and possible business ventures.

I miss alot of things...

You think you are so much better...

You know those people, that you were friends with, who act like your friends, smile at you, ask how you're doing, but it's just a front, not who they really are.

I find myself surrounded by guys like that. Is it me that attracts "friends" like that? Those people who smile through their teeth, everything is a competition, show off, flashy fakes?

I know I'm smarter than them, but when they see their doing better this smugness crosses their face. Like they think they are superior... do they have any idea how meaningless they are to me?

If I were to give up my life and my personality, could I not perform that much better?

Such is my opinion... don't mistake my laziness for my actual intelligence. Don't mistake my manner for actual feeling... Don't mistake me again... ever.

Back to Basics

School is not that hard... just keep telling yourself that, maybe someday you'll believe yourself.

Quizzes are dificult, though in the normal case of my life, not hard for anyone I'm friends with because by some turn of events they've had prior experience, so I have to work harder trying to understand, to catch up. Pisses me off.

Life in general is amazing, my girlfriend is the most amazing, beautiful girl I have ever known. And my roommates dont' grate on me that bad, life right now is pretty good.

It's just trying to keep up with all the homework and wanting to hang out and do things with my roommates, and really wanting to do things with my girlfriend.

I just get swamped sometimes. But I always pull myself back out. And that feeling of being finished with everything due, of being free for a few minutes... it's worth all the work and struggle.

I need to go turn in my paper now... anyone know where Sheridan House is?

Still Packing

So I managed to get all my clothing packed away. It's already in the bag, zipped up, and ready to be carried to the car.

I limited myself to only 1 storage tub of misc items to take with me, and I finished that.

All thats left to do is my computer, I don't want to tear it down until I'm ready to leave, I want to be able to play with it tonight at least. I'm not ready to feel like I'm apart of the stone age quite yet.

I'm excited to get back to Oregon.

I guess I'll leave it at that,

good night, everybody

Express Packing

So, I drove with my mother to Boise today and went to the mall and got clothes.

So now I have to begin packing my clothes, time to get ready to go to Fox.

I'm not taking as much stuff with me this year as I have previously, I want to keep it simply to my clothes, my computers, and a few misc (books, DVDs, PC Games).

I don't care what happens, I'm getting a bottom bed. I don't sleep on top.

Packing is a hassle, a big one. Packing to go home was awesome because Sarah helped me. But packing to go is a waste of time, and the process of beginning to pack has me wanting to leave for Oregon early. Once I have everything ready to go, it will be hard to motivate myself to stay.

And since my sister cluttered up the room with useless furniture it's an even bigger hassle that last year.

I hate my sister. She ran over my clothes bag and ripped one of the wheels off and a hole in it... so now I need to find another bag. Stupid girl.

Time to Start the Pickup and Packup

First off, packing isn't going to be as fun without you, Sarah.

So, today was my last day of driving this year. I got the first load of Haylage in the spring and the last load in the summer... la-dee-frickin-da.

But until the day I leave, it's maintenance time! We have to clean/mechanic the trucks to peak physical condition before corn season. You get to be a mechanic for a couple weeks, Andy!

I have to decide what is worth taking back to Portland with me. I am taking clothes, my computer, and 1, count em 1, box of miscellaneous crap, no more 4 crates of junk.

My fridge, microwave, TV, XBOX, and all my movies are already at Craig's apartment, I'm going to ask him about that La-Z-Boy when we move over the fridge and stuff.

It's time that I need to start packing stuff up, but at the same time I can't leave for 5 days, so I can't motivate myself to do anything.

I'll just be lucky if I get all my Fox paperwork done before the 26th, they keep sending me more and more stuff to sign.

I should pack just in case something comes up and I can take off a little earlier... Don't hurt to hope.

Have a good day.

Preparation...

Okay, so...

My first day back at home. I woke up and talked to the most beautiful girl in the world. Then I wandered over to my computer, played WoW for a few hours, talked to Sarah again, did my usual rounds over various websites, went downstairs and watched a movie, and now I'm back here...

I'm super tired, my head hurts, I haven't eaten yet today, and my ear is still plugged from swimming a few days ago. And in less than 12 hours I'll be getting ready for work. Frick I hate work.

So, I dislike the summer now. Have for as long as I can remember having to work. 5th grade. I want to go back to 5th grade and do it all over again, think of all the mistakes I won't make. It's like playing a game a for the first time and when you play again you know exactly what to do.

I feel so mediocre here.

Nick's going to run me through Deadmines... later.

Last Leg of the Race...

So... what I was thinking...

actually not about cars this time, so I guess that'll be a little change of pace, a little excitement and all that.

I saw Miami Vice today, no real point to that movie... I mean there's not really much resolution and it starts in a random place and ends in a random place, but it's pretty rad from the beginning to the end.

I've also had a good bit of Helium run through my lungs these last few minutes, but I got Sarah to laugh, and at the end of the day it's all worth it to hear that.

Okay sorry, so a small aside about cars, Hooray for the Integra, boo for all the slow pedestrians walking in the middle of my lane that don't glance back until I go by them wrapped up to 7,000 RPM... Nicklaus, you would have been proud of me.

Tuesday I hop on a plane for Fresno, CA, which reminds me that I need to print out that frickin ticket. And then it's 7 days of 110+ degree glory with Nicklaus, Andy, and the Lima Bean Rocket. And come next Friday... Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

However, at the moment my mind is rampant, no that would imply spontanaeity and that is usually entertaining, my mind is ruled by boredom (see ruled sounds more orderly, and organization=boredom)

So I have a week in California, then a week of work, and then I take that paycheck and make a frickin mad dash for Portland, I can make it in 7 hours if I drive 10 over and only stop for that one gas-up in La Grande.

But Fox will be empty this year, we lost so many good men... Sang Wook Choi, The Black Kid, Firecrotch, S-double 'A'-vedra... Alex, Eric, and Beth were good friends, and Fox isn't going to be the same without them... but I know that someday I'll listen to the radio and hear Eric's voice coming through and then I'll be like, "I knew that guy once" and than I'll be like"Eric, give me free tickets and t-shirts and tell everyone that we're friends" and he'll say some smart-ass remark and then I'll have to stalk and beat him with a rubber hose. (True story Eric, if you're reading this) And my black kid is leaving, but at least I'll be able to say what I've always yearned to say, "I'm not racist, my roommate in college was black" giving me instant immunity. And Sang, well I hope someday I'll get to see him in his uniform. And then Beth, well actually I guess it's okay if I never saw Beth again... always trying to analyze me and get inside my head and "Get to know Bradley" Dear Lord that was creepy, hahaha.

Completely off on another tangent: I was driving home from work and I passed a stop sign way out in the country, 5 miles west of Jerome, honestly the last mile road before the countryside turns to desert, and someone had spray-painted "W-A-R" on the sign so it read "STOP WAR," and I was thinking, what stupid inconsiderate prick would do that? Our country has no patriotism anymore... too many different peoples have grouped in the US of A and they still cling to the beliefs they had before the came to this country. And you know what? That's okay, heritage is a great thing, not much understood by me because I don't care about race, I care about my name, because my name is my heritage, my pride. But at some point our nation lost our patriotism, because they became political, they lost trust in our government, they sat up one morning, and thought, "I could do it better." And from then on, nothing but criticism.

I'm not saying I'm not critical, because I am, I like to see rational excuses and logical plans and evidences as much as the next guy, but no matter how bad it gets, I've read the history books, I've watched the news, and it is not fair that those soldiers get a cold reception when they come home. It is not the soldier's fault what happens, they are trying as best as they can with the orders they are given. Those guys are putting their lives in danger, and if we don't care, than they start wondering why should they even try? Nobody cares about them, in fact people are even against them. My great-uncle was a Medic in Vietnam, he saw some messed up stuff, but he saved lives, he put his life at risk to protect others, to help others, he was a hero, and he deserved nothing less than a hero's welcome home, as they all did. And where some didn't, I believe that is one of the biggest injustices... I don't know... seeing anti-War protests, demonstrators, and propaganda, it just burns me up inside, I feel let down, I love this nation.

My ancestor came here with the hopes that his family would have a better life, and I believe he gave me that. There are few days when I don't miss my grandfather, how tall that man was, in height and character, and I remember that with one less Paulin on this beautiful Earth, I'm just going to have to dig in with both hands and work for both of us. He gave me a strong back so I could deal with life's larger burdens. And someday it's going to come time to see how much I can really take, how much I can lift without falling, and I pray to God that when it comes I'm strong enough that my Grandpa watching down doesn't see my steps falter.

I was born blue collar, and when I die, I hope I leave this pride and this strength in some strong sons and beautiful daughters.

And that's where I'll stop.

Time for a Summer Reflection I Suppose:

So I move along in phases as most people who know me realize. I'll be big into computers, then games, then cars, then movies, then computers, then games, and so on and so on.

And right now is definitely not a computer phase, or a gaming phase (since I've only played about 1/2 hour of battlefront 2 since getting home). I read mostly I guess, watch a little TV, usually the Speed Channel or TLC when they have Overhaulin' or some such. I don't know it's just in my blood my Dad is into cars, but never really had the time or the money (as he was having to afford 3 children), and my brother is into cars (though in the older spectrum: American Muscle and Hot Rods), and even my sister is into cars, not that she likes to mechanic them or really work on them too much (though she enjoys tinkering with them now and again), and me well I like the newer ones... well newer than the 70's anyways.

And this age is hard for me, I'm not in an age where I have anywhere near the amount of time or money or experience to deal with cars as I've mentioned in blogs past, so I kind of watch with a tormented expression as I see good deal after good deal sweep past that long road of Life. There's so many cars I'd like to have, but it isn't the right time, if I had the car it would sit under a tarp behind my parents place, because there are other things I have to spend my money on: school, keeping fuel in my Integra, being able to visit Portland to visit Sarah and my other friends. Me owning another car would be an insult to that car, because there is no way my brother or my dad would go out there and waste time with my little sub-200 hp 4-banger, not when they have The Bird or Sheilah sitting around haha.

I have the money right now that I could get the B18C engine swap for NoTEC, or I could get a turbo and intercooler for the current B18B, or I could get a new exhaust system and a new intake, or I could just buy a 240SX in really good condition and leave it under a tarp at home, or find a nice CRX and leave that under the tarp. I have the money for the first step, but what's the point in taking that step when I can't progress for another 3 or 4 years?

My Integra runs good, it's clean, and is nicer than anything else I myself can afford at the moment, so I'm happy with it.

My dad is behind me 100% when I talk about getting a project car after I get out of college, he even suggested that I do the B18C swap for NoTEC when I get out of school, he thinks it would be a great idea, he likes the Nissan 240SX and the little CRX's and Honda hatchbacks (The EG and EK), he thinks that it would be a blast fixing one of those up.

And you know, from the way he's dived into The Bird, I think it'd be fun to get ahold of one when I get out of Fox. Like the CRX Andy used to have, that was a 1.5L and guess what? The Honda Fit is a 1.5L that most of the high performance car companies have jumped on and are making loads of bolt-ons for. You could replace that old CRX with a new Fit motor, it would require some work changing it over, but it would run strong.

So I wait, I just sit here, if a good enough deal ever came along, I would jump on it, but there hasn't been anything jaw-dropping for quite a while.

But to continue on with my reflection, this summer has been long and has been hard and depressing and hot. I've missed Portland, but it was good I came back. Got to see Nick and Andy graduate, got to make a chunk of change, it just turned out to be a good summer I guess.

The end is going to move pretty quickly though, in 6 days I'm on a plane to Fresno to spend a week with Nick and Andy, and then I have another week and a half of work, and then I'm driving back for another grueling year at Fox (and I say grueling because you'll understand when you see my schedule).

However, for now, I'm gonna go dink around, watch tv, read maybe, who knows. Talk to you later.