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i do not really have anything to say i figure its been two days i should prolly put something alot of stuff has happened but i really do not know what to say or how to say it i went to omsi today and it was amazing it would take too much to describe so if you have been to omsi well you know otherwise you will just have to go and experience it for yourself i read part of one of my louis l'amours today and i am planning on reading more before sleep takes me i watched a movie with drew cary and kaylin then got home was really comfortable settling in feeling fulfilled i suppose for the first time in a long time when i get a phone call from lesley and she wants me to watch a movie at jana's with her amy alex aaron and some of her friends from high school i wasn't really into it but i figure why not i spent an entire semester going against everything i had known and socialized with people so i went and it was fun even though i may not have wanted to go and was irritated at the suggestion for some reason i am glad i did i am just really tired of everything all of a sudden and i cannot explain the feeling or the reason i just do not want to do anything i am stuck between what feels like obligations but i know that they are not i feel at a loss to describe things why i do things why i think the way i do like why did i just waste the effort the fuel to peel out through two gears in the penn parking lot did i have anything to prove no but why i cannot explain is a mystery too i think its mostly seeing people from penn again maybe makes me hesitant and i cannot explain why that would be so or even why that thought came into my head i have done alot of thinking about the future lately more so than probably a person my age ought to almost to the point where i quit living in the present which is never something a person should do i have dreams but do not remember them anymore nightmare or not the details are an immediate blur when i wake up living only a feeling when i woke up this morning i felt horrible like a pit of your stomach turns to lead horrible and i could not explain it and so this is how this will end with that kind of feeling the horrible insides turning to lead feeling