So... I've never had really close friends before. There's a reason, a good one I always thought. Mostly to keep from getting hurt.
When I talk to my friends about other people usually they talk about the people that annoy them, people who think they are friends with my friends, but who my friend hates with a passion they aren't aware of. An example:
Friend #1 is my friend. Friend #1 tells me about how much he can't stand Friend #2, but Friend #2 doesn't know that Friend #1 hates him. And in conversation and in person Friend #1 and Friend #2 seem perfectly fine. And because of the fact that Friend #1 seems to still like him, Friend #2 hangs around all the time, the whole time unaware of how much Friend #1 wishes he would disappear.
I'm always afraid that the way people casually talk about disliking another person, that they might talk the same way about me to another friend of theirs. Paranoia on my part no doubt. But because of that I'm never really close to anyone and I also kind of hate people for it. And I realize I'm guilty of the same crime myself, and I'm saying in no way is it someone else's fault. I suppose I just need constant reaffirmation of my status with the other person.
And before I was unwilling to wait patiently for that confirmation or didn't care. (Namely how even if Andy hated me I'd still show up at his house like clockwork if I was back in Idaho)
But I suppose for the sake of liking the friends I have now... I'm in a constant state of worry over if they like me or not. If I say this will they reject me? If I do this will they look at me differently?
I just need to breathe and take it easy. I suppose if someone didn't like me they'd certainly tell me, especially if I irritated them to the point of hating me. So thats what I bank on. The other person's honesty towards me... is it misplaced? Maybe, but don't expect to ditch me so easy either, I'll probably just avoid you for a couple days and let you cool down... then be all over you like a cheap suit all over again.
I guess you'll just have to learn how to cope... it builds character and it helps for the next time someone annoys you. You'll be able to keep your emotions in check for longer the next time it happens.
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Don't worry about it, you will always be welcome at my apartment. I don't think I can get tired or irritated of you, we think too much alike sometimes. The reason that I make fun of you when you are in Idaho and you want to go home at 3am is because I like it when you hang out around here. I'm disappointed when you leave again for Fox.
And personally, I don't care if someone doesn't like me. Actually, I would prefer it if they told me so, that way I would not waste any more of my time or resources (money). Do you honestly think if you asked someone point-blank if they liked you or not that they would answer truthfully if they hated you? I am happy to say that I would answer truthfully without hesitation, and the answer would be that you are one of my best friends! Keep that in mind.
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