Friends

People change. It's the natural way of things, we get older, learn, and we change because of what we've learned getting older. Original reasons you may have liked someone change. Maybe that trait is gone forever. Maybe you see something in them that you'd never noticed before. But for some reason or another you stop being friends.

This has happened to me. I'm reminded of it daily. And I remember the reasons. He lies, he cheats, he infuriates me with his self-rightness. But maybe half of that is my own stubborn pride, unwillingness to accept that I may have been wrong in trying to prove him wrong.

There's a load of reasons why I don't like him, but I still think back to a time when he was my best friend. How much fun we'd had that good 12 years that we were friends. There was fun aplenty. But there were problems too.

What happens when you have friends that aren't friends with each other. Where one side even hates the other? You have to pick a side and I had to pick, I was forced to pick a side because of the actions of one of them. Sometimes I wish that I hadn't had to choose and that I could sit down and just be friends again, but while he was my best friend, I was never his. That made the decision a little easier I suppose, but it's still hard. Sometimes I wish that we could go back 12 years and have the fun over again. But this time I'd be a little smarter I think, know what to do and not to do, maybe not get into so much trouble along the way... but without the chance of getting in trouble, where's the fun?

Nightmare before Christmas

It's a dream. It has to be.

And I'm going to wake up soon. I know I will. This can't be real.

There's no way this is Christmas.

But what do I say? Is there anything I can say?

Life isn't going to return to normal now is it?

And there's nothing I can do.

Absolutely nothing.

God, are you going to let his happen? Why? Why don't you do something? I prayed so hard. Why can't you do something miraculous now?

A feud, but inside the family...

I'm proud of my name, I'm proud of what it stood for. The man it stood for. That man is gone now. And without him the name is starting to look like a shell of it's original strength. That man is the reason I am not ashamed of my name, my size, my country roots, my blue-collar past. I was born to the field, for the field. I can turn a chunk of dry, arid, rocky desert into a lush, green plain. Green as the sun is hot.

That man was my Grandfather. He is my father, and he is me.

He held my world together with his bare hands, calloused and strong. At 70 years old he could pick up a boulder my size and tip it into bucket on the loader, he could work from dark to dark. He worked hard to give his children a chance, the same way my father worked for me, the same way that I'm going to work for my children.

I came from two strong families. My potential is great, though my work ethic lacks at times. I won't let it loosen any more. Not after what has happened.

That man didn't teach us about lying or deception. Especially not among family. There was no take in that man, just giving. He was about helping each other, what one had we all had. We didn't have wealth, but we had each other, and when wealth comes before each other, that's when we know they forgot him. Now I'm just raging. Fire like this hasn't burned in me in so long I forgot what it was like. Like the feeling of the steering wheel at 110, or the grip of a gun as it's fired, like the recoil of a bat as it connects with a ball, but all multiplied by a thousand.

And the only thought on my mind is payback. Revenge upon my family. And violence isn't the solution, the solution is success. It's the only way to win. And I will. I don't care how hard it is, I will.

He wanted school for me. He wanted it for his grandchildren like he wanted it for his children. And I'm going to finish and I'm going to succeed, I'm going to... I'm going to...

Steady Moving until 60...

Got level 33 two days ago, yesterday reached 34, today reached 35, and tonight probably 36. I'm moving steady.

Blogging about it helps me stay motivated I suppose. I got my first PvP kills in Stranglethorn Vale today. Horde are morons.

More later.

Slow climb to 60...

Me and Andy are playing WoW. We have decided to play to 60. No alts. We both started characters on the Dentarg server. I am a Dwarf Paladin, named Exon. And Andy is Megas, a Human Mage.

With the low server population it's hard to get groups for instances, but with us being the same level, we breeze through our quests and advance in levels fairly quickly with quest experience.

We don't play very much though, maybe 4 hours a day if you add up all the 1/2 hours I log in to play for a few minutes before a class.

Level progression is slow.

But we are progressing steadily, so maybe it's not so bad.

Halfway to 24... I'm gonna log on for about 1/2 an hour. Maybe I can get closer.

Lackluster Gaming...

I'm really not liking playing WoW anymore. I don't like playing alone, which is how I feel since I dont' like the people I'm forced to play with.

I miss playing with Nick and Andy all the the time and I hope someday we can have that again.

I've been more enthusiastic about homework than gaming lately... that's how little I want to play anymore.

The game doesn't help me accomplish anything, and lately it hasn't even been fun or entertaining. The funnest I've had gaming was when me and Andy sent tells back and forth for 30 minutes.

I really miss Nick and Andy.

And Nicklaus, just so you know, I felt a swell of pride knowing that my accounting prof said that a Finance Degree from a state institution like yours would be better than one from Fox because they are more focused. You are amazing Nicklaus.

Andy, I'm going to hire you to be my Know-it-all. A Professional Know-it-all. It's perfect! How does $50,000 a year starting sound?

I miss talking about cars and computers and possible business ventures.

I miss alot of things...

You think you are so much better...

You know those people, that you were friends with, who act like your friends, smile at you, ask how you're doing, but it's just a front, not who they really are.

I find myself surrounded by guys like that. Is it me that attracts "friends" like that? Those people who smile through their teeth, everything is a competition, show off, flashy fakes?

I know I'm smarter than them, but when they see their doing better this smugness crosses their face. Like they think they are superior... do they have any idea how meaningless they are to me?

If I were to give up my life and my personality, could I not perform that much better?

Such is my opinion... don't mistake my laziness for my actual intelligence. Don't mistake my manner for actual feeling... Don't mistake me again... ever.

Back to Basics

School is not that hard... just keep telling yourself that, maybe someday you'll believe yourself.

Quizzes are dificult, though in the normal case of my life, not hard for anyone I'm friends with because by some turn of events they've had prior experience, so I have to work harder trying to understand, to catch up. Pisses me off.

Life in general is amazing, my girlfriend is the most amazing, beautiful girl I have ever known. And my roommates dont' grate on me that bad, life right now is pretty good.

It's just trying to keep up with all the homework and wanting to hang out and do things with my roommates, and really wanting to do things with my girlfriend.

I just get swamped sometimes. But I always pull myself back out. And that feeling of being finished with everything due, of being free for a few minutes... it's worth all the work and struggle.

I need to go turn in my paper now... anyone know where Sheridan House is?

Still Packing

So I managed to get all my clothing packed away. It's already in the bag, zipped up, and ready to be carried to the car.

I limited myself to only 1 storage tub of misc items to take with me, and I finished that.

All thats left to do is my computer, I don't want to tear it down until I'm ready to leave, I want to be able to play with it tonight at least. I'm not ready to feel like I'm apart of the stone age quite yet.

I'm excited to get back to Oregon.

I guess I'll leave it at that,

good night, everybody

Express Packing

So, I drove with my mother to Boise today and went to the mall and got clothes.

So now I have to begin packing my clothes, time to get ready to go to Fox.

I'm not taking as much stuff with me this year as I have previously, I want to keep it simply to my clothes, my computers, and a few misc (books, DVDs, PC Games).

I don't care what happens, I'm getting a bottom bed. I don't sleep on top.

Packing is a hassle, a big one. Packing to go home was awesome because Sarah helped me. But packing to go is a waste of time, and the process of beginning to pack has me wanting to leave for Oregon early. Once I have everything ready to go, it will be hard to motivate myself to stay.

And since my sister cluttered up the room with useless furniture it's an even bigger hassle that last year.

I hate my sister. She ran over my clothes bag and ripped one of the wheels off and a hole in it... so now I need to find another bag. Stupid girl.

Time to Start the Pickup and Packup

First off, packing isn't going to be as fun without you, Sarah.

So, today was my last day of driving this year. I got the first load of Haylage in the spring and the last load in the summer... la-dee-frickin-da.

But until the day I leave, it's maintenance time! We have to clean/mechanic the trucks to peak physical condition before corn season. You get to be a mechanic for a couple weeks, Andy!

I have to decide what is worth taking back to Portland with me. I am taking clothes, my computer, and 1, count em 1, box of miscellaneous crap, no more 4 crates of junk.

My fridge, microwave, TV, XBOX, and all my movies are already at Craig's apartment, I'm going to ask him about that La-Z-Boy when we move over the fridge and stuff.

It's time that I need to start packing stuff up, but at the same time I can't leave for 5 days, so I can't motivate myself to do anything.

I'll just be lucky if I get all my Fox paperwork done before the 26th, they keep sending me more and more stuff to sign.

I should pack just in case something comes up and I can take off a little earlier... Don't hurt to hope.

Have a good day.

Preparation...

Okay, so...

My first day back at home. I woke up and talked to the most beautiful girl in the world. Then I wandered over to my computer, played WoW for a few hours, talked to Sarah again, did my usual rounds over various websites, went downstairs and watched a movie, and now I'm back here...

I'm super tired, my head hurts, I haven't eaten yet today, and my ear is still plugged from swimming a few days ago. And in less than 12 hours I'll be getting ready for work. Frick I hate work.

So, I dislike the summer now. Have for as long as I can remember having to work. 5th grade. I want to go back to 5th grade and do it all over again, think of all the mistakes I won't make. It's like playing a game a for the first time and when you play again you know exactly what to do.

I feel so mediocre here.

Nick's going to run me through Deadmines... later.

Last Leg of the Race...

So... what I was thinking...

actually not about cars this time, so I guess that'll be a little change of pace, a little excitement and all that.

I saw Miami Vice today, no real point to that movie... I mean there's not really much resolution and it starts in a random place and ends in a random place, but it's pretty rad from the beginning to the end.

I've also had a good bit of Helium run through my lungs these last few minutes, but I got Sarah to laugh, and at the end of the day it's all worth it to hear that.

Okay sorry, so a small aside about cars, Hooray for the Integra, boo for all the slow pedestrians walking in the middle of my lane that don't glance back until I go by them wrapped up to 7,000 RPM... Nicklaus, you would have been proud of me.

Tuesday I hop on a plane for Fresno, CA, which reminds me that I need to print out that frickin ticket. And then it's 7 days of 110+ degree glory with Nicklaus, Andy, and the Lima Bean Rocket. And come next Friday... Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

However, at the moment my mind is rampant, no that would imply spontanaeity and that is usually entertaining, my mind is ruled by boredom (see ruled sounds more orderly, and organization=boredom)

So I have a week in California, then a week of work, and then I take that paycheck and make a frickin mad dash for Portland, I can make it in 7 hours if I drive 10 over and only stop for that one gas-up in La Grande.

But Fox will be empty this year, we lost so many good men... Sang Wook Choi, The Black Kid, Firecrotch, S-double 'A'-vedra... Alex, Eric, and Beth were good friends, and Fox isn't going to be the same without them... but I know that someday I'll listen to the radio and hear Eric's voice coming through and then I'll be like, "I knew that guy once" and than I'll be like"Eric, give me free tickets and t-shirts and tell everyone that we're friends" and he'll say some smart-ass remark and then I'll have to stalk and beat him with a rubber hose. (True story Eric, if you're reading this) And my black kid is leaving, but at least I'll be able to say what I've always yearned to say, "I'm not racist, my roommate in college was black" giving me instant immunity. And Sang, well I hope someday I'll get to see him in his uniform. And then Beth, well actually I guess it's okay if I never saw Beth again... always trying to analyze me and get inside my head and "Get to know Bradley" Dear Lord that was creepy, hahaha.

Completely off on another tangent: I was driving home from work and I passed a stop sign way out in the country, 5 miles west of Jerome, honestly the last mile road before the countryside turns to desert, and someone had spray-painted "W-A-R" on the sign so it read "STOP WAR," and I was thinking, what stupid inconsiderate prick would do that? Our country has no patriotism anymore... too many different peoples have grouped in the US of A and they still cling to the beliefs they had before the came to this country. And you know what? That's okay, heritage is a great thing, not much understood by me because I don't care about race, I care about my name, because my name is my heritage, my pride. But at some point our nation lost our patriotism, because they became political, they lost trust in our government, they sat up one morning, and thought, "I could do it better." And from then on, nothing but criticism.

I'm not saying I'm not critical, because I am, I like to see rational excuses and logical plans and evidences as much as the next guy, but no matter how bad it gets, I've read the history books, I've watched the news, and it is not fair that those soldiers get a cold reception when they come home. It is not the soldier's fault what happens, they are trying as best as they can with the orders they are given. Those guys are putting their lives in danger, and if we don't care, than they start wondering why should they even try? Nobody cares about them, in fact people are even against them. My great-uncle was a Medic in Vietnam, he saw some messed up stuff, but he saved lives, he put his life at risk to protect others, to help others, he was a hero, and he deserved nothing less than a hero's welcome home, as they all did. And where some didn't, I believe that is one of the biggest injustices... I don't know... seeing anti-War protests, demonstrators, and propaganda, it just burns me up inside, I feel let down, I love this nation.

My ancestor came here with the hopes that his family would have a better life, and I believe he gave me that. There are few days when I don't miss my grandfather, how tall that man was, in height and character, and I remember that with one less Paulin on this beautiful Earth, I'm just going to have to dig in with both hands and work for both of us. He gave me a strong back so I could deal with life's larger burdens. And someday it's going to come time to see how much I can really take, how much I can lift without falling, and I pray to God that when it comes I'm strong enough that my Grandpa watching down doesn't see my steps falter.

I was born blue collar, and when I die, I hope I leave this pride and this strength in some strong sons and beautiful daughters.

And that's where I'll stop.

Time for a Summer Reflection I Suppose:

So I move along in phases as most people who know me realize. I'll be big into computers, then games, then cars, then movies, then computers, then games, and so on and so on.

And right now is definitely not a computer phase, or a gaming phase (since I've only played about 1/2 hour of battlefront 2 since getting home). I read mostly I guess, watch a little TV, usually the Speed Channel or TLC when they have Overhaulin' or some such. I don't know it's just in my blood my Dad is into cars, but never really had the time or the money (as he was having to afford 3 children), and my brother is into cars (though in the older spectrum: American Muscle and Hot Rods), and even my sister is into cars, not that she likes to mechanic them or really work on them too much (though she enjoys tinkering with them now and again), and me well I like the newer ones... well newer than the 70's anyways.

And this age is hard for me, I'm not in an age where I have anywhere near the amount of time or money or experience to deal with cars as I've mentioned in blogs past, so I kind of watch with a tormented expression as I see good deal after good deal sweep past that long road of Life. There's so many cars I'd like to have, but it isn't the right time, if I had the car it would sit under a tarp behind my parents place, because there are other things I have to spend my money on: school, keeping fuel in my Integra, being able to visit Portland to visit Sarah and my other friends. Me owning another car would be an insult to that car, because there is no way my brother or my dad would go out there and waste time with my little sub-200 hp 4-banger, not when they have The Bird or Sheilah sitting around haha.

I have the money right now that I could get the B18C engine swap for NoTEC, or I could get a turbo and intercooler for the current B18B, or I could get a new exhaust system and a new intake, or I could just buy a 240SX in really good condition and leave it under a tarp at home, or find a nice CRX and leave that under the tarp. I have the money for the first step, but what's the point in taking that step when I can't progress for another 3 or 4 years?

My Integra runs good, it's clean, and is nicer than anything else I myself can afford at the moment, so I'm happy with it.

My dad is behind me 100% when I talk about getting a project car after I get out of college, he even suggested that I do the B18C swap for NoTEC when I get out of school, he thinks it would be a great idea, he likes the Nissan 240SX and the little CRX's and Honda hatchbacks (The EG and EK), he thinks that it would be a blast fixing one of those up.

And you know, from the way he's dived into The Bird, I think it'd be fun to get ahold of one when I get out of Fox. Like the CRX Andy used to have, that was a 1.5L and guess what? The Honda Fit is a 1.5L that most of the high performance car companies have jumped on and are making loads of bolt-ons for. You could replace that old CRX with a new Fit motor, it would require some work changing it over, but it would run strong.

So I wait, I just sit here, if a good enough deal ever came along, I would jump on it, but there hasn't been anything jaw-dropping for quite a while.

But to continue on with my reflection, this summer has been long and has been hard and depressing and hot. I've missed Portland, but it was good I came back. Got to see Nick and Andy graduate, got to make a chunk of change, it just turned out to be a good summer I guess.

The end is going to move pretty quickly though, in 6 days I'm on a plane to Fresno to spend a week with Nick and Andy, and then I have another week and a half of work, and then I'm driving back for another grueling year at Fox (and I say grueling because you'll understand when you see my schedule).

However, for now, I'm gonna go dink around, watch tv, read maybe, who knows. Talk to you later.

The Great Abyss That Is My Future

So... the future is such an amazing thing. You can waste hours upon hours just dreaming about what it could be like, things you could do in it.

And what I want to do in it? P/R Performance (Standing simultaneously for "Paulin/Roaché Performance" and also "Personal Record Performance") The name is just a little something I've been working on for some time.

You know what? Even if it is never a business and just our little side project. Something for us to waste time on... that's enough for me.

But someday it'll happen dammit. Come Hell or high water.

I have a passion for those cars and it'll only grow. It'll happen, if I'm successful enough in other things, maybe I'll be able to support a small car shop too.

And with Andy and Nick ready to jump in as partners, I don't have a worry in the world that everything will work out fine.

4th of July

As I sit here, freshly unloaded from the trip back from Oregon, the fantastic dream that was this last weekend fades into the background and reality once again rears it's ugly head.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, usually a happy holiday, but this year is very different. Throughout my childhood I remember laying out on my parents white flowered quilt watching as the massive explosions above kept me mesmerized and still for longer than my parents thought was ever possible by their seemingly possessed ADHD ingrained child. I remember my parents getting a bucket of chicken from KFC and watching my dad light up fireworks out in the street in front of our house on 20th Avenue. I remember the anticipation of the fireworks... how as soon as the fireworks stands started springing up you would try and spend as much money as you could amass and burn yourself a half-dozen times in the process.

As the years wore on our destructive capabilities, and wallets, grew. We no longer wanted sparklers and poppers, we wanted roman candles and firecrackers, bottlerockets and mortars.

My family, for the last near decade, has gone with the Maves to the fireworks display at CSI. But the Maves are gone. I used to run to Nick and Andy's Apartment and watch them light the mortars I helped them procure at Johnny's Country Store... But now they are gone too.

As I drove through the last several overpasses into Jerome I couldn't help shake the feeling that I was in the wrong place. I don't belong here.

I miss my friends in California. I miss my girlfriend and friends in Oregon. And I miss nothing about this place. This place, to me, is like my private getaway. Twin Falls is my hole-in-the-wall my little corner where no one can find me and I rule the world. I know it will always be here to fall back on if I need to, but I want to get out.

Happy 4th of July everyone. I have to work tomorrow, so I guess think of me when you see the fireworks explode, maybe I'll sit on the roof of my house and watch Jerome and Buhl and Twin's fireworks all at once. Or maybe I'll sit inside and just remember those days long passed where life was nearly perfect... at that beat up apartment with my best friends. The TV on but with the sound of Andy pounding on the keyboard clearly audible...

Andy and Nick... thank you. I can never repay you for how much you gave me. That beat up apartment was home to me. Everytime I go to Twin it still feels wrong not to drive straight to that apartment on Quincy... to know that neither of you guys are around and that I really am alone for once.

The Subject of a Trip...

9 hours later and I'm laying on my bunk in my brother's apartment, thinking about seeing the love of my life in 12 hours... I lay there and rememeber her, how beautiful she is.

My computer desk at home is cluttered with slips of paper, cards, frames of pictures... all to remind me of her.

I miss her. Sarah, I miss you.

I couldn't wait to see her, pick her up from work at lunchtime and talk to her in person for an hour instead of on the phone for once.

And then I got to spend the entire next day with her, walking with her, talking to her, holding her. It was perfect.

And now I'm getting ready to leave again, my last night here... and I miss that girl. Those deep, brown, stunning eyes. That equally brilliant easy smile that plays across her lips every time I glance at her... So many things that I can no longer live without.

And I may not see it again for a long time, but I have a good memory. And there's only two more months to go...

How nice of the Lincoln County Sherriff's Department to pay for my bodywork...

So I was sitting in the parking lot of Garibaldi's (A Mexican Restaurant) in Jerome, there was 3 other cars in the lot, a new blue Ford Explorer, a new white Subaru GTS wagon, and an old Chevy Cargo Van.

I was meeting my dad there for lunch.

I was a few minutes early so I was just sitting with the AC on, talking to Sarah, generally enjoying myself. And BAM! That oh so familiar crunch of sheet metal getting dented in reached my ears. And my initial reaction (expected from those that know me) was "No, the Subaru wagon killed another one! NOOOOO!" But WAIT! It was the new Explorer... and in big lettering on the side reads, Lincoln County Sherriff.

And so once again in a "Such is my life" moment. I had to go through the now common to me process of giving them my information and being nice to the guy that just crunched my car.

But as you knew, my front bumper on the Integra had some paint blemishes... so now they will be fixed and the cops are out hundreds of dollars, it's like CHRISTMAS!

I have a couple more photos, but I think these do enough justice on their own. So in summation:

Thank you Lincoln County Sherriff's Department for Pimping My Ride.

Douche bags.

Tokyo Drift?

Is it some special kind of drifting? Some sneaky, underhanded, drift through a rice paddy to take the lead move?

No, it's a movie... the 3rd installment of the Fast and the Furious series, and easily the best of the three.

One thing that made me happy about this movie, they rarely showed the speedometer, well relatively compared to the others, it didn't show the cars screaming along in 6th gear going 40 miles an hour like in the first 2 movies.

The main character was stronger, more likeable, the way a hero should be. Cocky but understanding his strengths, but once angered he was balls to the walls no matter if he could win or not.

And I left that movie with a smile. When I heard that he put a Nissan engine into the Mustang before I went and saw the movie, I was furious. It's part of the Stock Rocket Jockey that I am, no matter how much a car is modified, no matter how fast it is, I still want to see matching brand emblems on the body and the block.(I like saying "My Honda beat the crap out of your car." Not, "My Ford-Nissan beat the crap out of your car." It just breeds confusion.) But then, as I sit in the theatre, glued to the screen, and watch as they are just scrambling to get it working (though I prefer a good paint job, it wasn't necessary in the fix-up process of the fastback) I no longer harbored resentment, because in a similar situation, I would find myself alot more open to suggestion, you know?

And God be praised it had a storyline. Straight, simple, uncomplicated, and entertaining.

I'm finally ready to buy a Fast and the Furious movie.


So now I am re-enthused about automobiles. Wishing life were so simple I could move away and just live... minimum wage, month to month, and own my dreamcar. In the end I would be unhappy but for a long while I would be on cloud 9, living my dream.

But maybe in the future, maybe I'll be able to gain what I want in the years to come, only 3 years until I'm out of school. Than I could get a steady job, steady income, and I could buy a car and invest in it, making it steadily more awesome.

Dreams... how can those without them survive? How do people without aspiration or ambition survive?

When I think of myself and the people I consider friends (The Lima-Bean Rocketeer and Andy)
I think, I myself look to be without drive or ambition, because I don't put time or money into what I have, though what I am doing is biding my time, 3 years and I'll be making money, I can support myself.
Nick, what can you say about the boy, an automotive Genius, he has something that you can never learn - Pure, God-given talent. He can drive anything, I've seen it.
Andy. Andy has a good bit of natural talent, but what makes him stand out is his intelligence. When he drives he knows what he's doing because he has already thought out what needs to happen.

And me... I'm the sidekick. I'm the reliable friend. I'm the kid that is going to go big with them. Someday...

Because you know what? Racing on a track... lame. Just keep running the oval, keep steering around the cones... The rush doesn't exist there.

The night Nick chased down those kids in that Accord with a full car of people... that was the night that I knew that anything Nick wants to move - MOVES, and FAST.


Andy, Andy doesn't do driving that often, but Andy is the guy that steps into a car for the first time and knows enough about that car and what he needs to do... that it happens.

And I'm the one that give them rides. Awesome by association.

The Bored Feeling Continues

So the boredom is directly related to the fact that I have no direction in life, or a direction with no destination. I'm wandering and that annoys me. I want to have it figured out and just run headlong in that direction, but I can't...

I can't even make up my mind about what kind of car I want...

CRX or Civic? 240SX or 300ZX? Corolla or Supra(I know, I know, kind of a lofty hope)? Or maybe I want something completely different, like get a 180SX through an auction company in Japan and get it shipped over.

There's so much stuff that I can't figure out. That I'm not in the right location to figure out... I wonder if I'll ever be.

Boredom among nothing else...

I am really bored right now. Like this undeniable, I have never, will never complete anything kind of boredom.

Where you want to be doing something but aren't sure what and everything suggested sounds lame. I can't think of anything I can do that won't make me feel even worse about my current predicament, at least nothing instantaneous... I wish I could drive to Portland or drive to Visalia or so something fun... Something spontaneous... I never do anything like that anymore. My life is one big reoccuring loop of events. Though sometimes this isn't all bad, like with the clockwork regularity that Sarah calls and rescues me from my dismal state of depressed boredom, that is the only reason I haven't lost my mind, sold my soul (and other various body organs), and run for a Vegas Loanshark so I can borrow a million dollars, buy a fast car, change my name, and drive hellbent for the Mexican Coast. Somewhere down on the Baja Peninsula sounds pleasant.

I just wish I could see my future, see that I won't be a complete screw up... then maybe I wouldn't be this depressed. But sometimes as I sit in this remote part of the country, cut off, for all intents and purposes, I feel like the world is moving on without me. Like while I work here on the surface of the sun, the world is advancing and I'm falling behind.

I've been looking at sand blasters and paint guns, want to start experimenting a bit, do a few small projects... maybe that will hold off the boredom for a time, but when it's hot like this, there isn't much to do but stay inside... so I have to think of something to pass the time.

Have a good day.

ADHD Error

Whenever I finish a movie, book, story, magazine article, whenever I process any kind of information it stays in my head. I have an amazing memory. I always have, the reason I was able to do quizzing with my brother and the Roache's even though I was technically too young.

The information is always there, I retain everything, it's a matter of finding the right pathway to call the information back to the forefront of my consciousness.

Now, personally I believe that if technology is ever allowed to advance so far (which is only going to be able to happen if companies stop slowing down advancements by obtaining patents they then allow to expire because it's release would mean a decline in the utility of their own product [Ex. Oil Companies]) eventually computers are no longer going to be a physical thing, no that doesn't mean we are going to turn into the Matrix, but in some ways it could be similar.

Imagine, the human brain is the most complex thing in existence. The amount of data stored is astronomical. You could hear a song when you are 12 years old, 12 years later you hear the song again and the verses come without thinking, they just reappear as if by magic. Think of the benefit... with an operating system for the mind you could instantly search, find, and recall any memory, song, movie, book you've ever read/watched/listened to/lived and it would be there.

Games could become as real as the mind could portray them, hackers would simply be the people with the most mental strength or capacity, everyone would be trying to obtain the rainmain because he is the biggest file server in existence.

But with such advancement comes the problems with it, depending on the level of control the computer has on the person's mind, a hacker could steal an identity in entirety, they could steal your very personality. A virus released could devastate millions of minds, leaving large quantities of the earth's population as vegetables, the body survives but the mind is gone.

This was what I thought of today, and it kind of makes me excited to go outside because someday that farm ground may be gone, turned to a labyrinthine suburbia.

But as luck would have it, the operating system wouldn't work for me, I'd probably get an ADHD Error, a conflict error, trying to access too many random things at once.

Dreaming of being alone...

Have you ever had a dream of being alone? I did last night, and it was frickin wierd... oh man... but for now I need to get ready and head to work. Later.

Courage of a Hero

Don't you ever wish you were a hero? Don't you ever dream of it, daydream of it, imagine what it would be like to be a knight, swordsman, mutant, gunslinger, soldier... the typical hero roles?

That seems to be what my thoughts are consumed by lately... though I haven't yet discovered the reason, it's an eerie feeling of knowing you have a purpose but not yet seeing what it is or how to go about fulfilling it.

It's like sitting in a 5 -way fork in the road and waiting for a little direction...

Don't shove it's not nice...

So Rachel is moving in with my family for the next couple weeks, her parents are leaving for Portland today and she needed a place to stay while she works.

You know what that means? I get pushed out of the bathroom even worse than I already am. I don't keep any of my stuff in there, it's like being at school still, I live out of a bag, but now I won't even be able to get in there... 2 girls dear Lord... I've had a brother who was almost as bad as a girl and a sister at the same time, but never 2 girls... this is going to be hell.

The Great Depression Deepens

I drive home and the rain spatters on the windshield, I look at the switch for the wipers, but I don't have the drive to turn it, the road blurs, I see the huge yellow circles of headlights moving towards me in the other lane, if I hadn't driven this road twice a day since I got my license it might be a little freaky, but I can close my eyes and see the road. I know the bumps and potholes before I feel the car reach them, my mind is in total chaos... the guy I thought I knew is nothing how I thought, the girl either, it's like I'm meeting two people for the first time. I'm so uncomfortable with it, but what do I say? I wish I could just fade out like I did exactly a year ago... Is there anything left for me here? Why did I come back? Thoughts just keep entering my head, questions to which I don't have answers.

Have you ever felt like the last person on earth that still holds the same values or ideals? Not surprising since my moral code was peiced together from dime-store western novels... makes life a little interesting though.

I miss Sarah and Alex and Parker and Haskell and Bohl and Craig and Felix. I miss Nick and Andy.

You know, sometimes it feels like there is no place to go but up. And then the rock beneath you crumbles and you find yourself a little lower than you were. I was low. I mean low, lying on my stomach swallowing dust low. And then... the ground beneath me collapsed, so now it's dark, damp and I'm choking on mud.

I went to X3 to get myself happy again, a pick me up if you will. NO! The opposite, there are few things that have ended with me feeling more depressed. The actual ending to the Hulk comics being one (Where the Hulk roams the desolate landscape that used to be Earth and Bruce Banner dies so the Hulk can never change back or else he too will die. The Hulk is forever alone until the end of time. The End.)

I've read the X-men comics, I've watched the cartoon series, I know what really happens. That what keeps me going.

My friend Koda got back from Virginia recently... for two weeks I had no one. I went to work, came home, talked to Sarah, went to sleep, and the cycle repeats at this point. And now I have a friend again, two actually because he has a girlfriend and like it or not, she's sorta stuck with me hanging around. And I don't want any sort of thoughts like "Oh, Brad doesn't have any friends." You want to know something, I never wanted, and still don't want, more than a few good friends, unfortunately with that comes a shortage of people to do stuff with.

Andy and Nick were the best to do stuff with, they were always up to do anything. Koda is pretty open minded about stuff too, but at the same time, I'm not that comfortable with him. I've changed and he hasn't. Or at least he seems exactly the same, I mean he has a girlfriend so that's a bit different. The way he talks, the way he acts, all exactly how I remember it.

My life is a shell now. I may not have liked Fox alot, but you know something, there was always somebody to talk to or something to do. I didn't get along with a lot of people at that school, a few I was vocal about, and many I wasn't. But I was happier in the bubble with my Black roommate. I don't know if Alex knows it, but I consider him one of my best friends.

And I'm so far away from all of it, everything that I have grown to love and appreciate. Sarah, my friends, heck even that frickin retarded school that I loathe with every fiber of my being sometimes.

I'm back here, doing the same thing I was a year ago, the year before that, and the year before that. I'm hanging around with Koda again... and it seems like life is moving super fast... backwards.

I have dreams about being back there, and then I wake and it's gone, like smoke.

I walked out the theater sad, on the verge of weeping? No, not quite, but the kind of sad where I just want to go home and sleep for a few days. And Sarah is busy tonight so I didn't want to bother her so I went through the contacts on my cell phone, calling everyone, no answers from any of them. Making me feel even more alone. It's like I'm on an entirely different planet.

So now I'm sitting here and every few minutes my phone rings so currently. Haskell was the first call back, followed closely by Alex.

Life is slow progressing, ever day the same until you don't know how long it's been, how long it'll be, what's happening in the world you knew without you in it... I sit in the cab of my truck thinking all day, sometimes simply about the task at hand, but my mind wanders, daydreams.

I work all these random thoughts, think of all these different scenarios for how my life could end up, wish I had more ambition or more motivation to succeed. My life, in the physical aspect has been perfect for a very long time. Amazing girlfriend, nice family, nice house, nice car. I have a job, I go to a good school, get good grades, I rarely do anything that's frowned upon and I never get myself into trouble. But I'm spoiled. I used to be such a prick I can't even convey it to you in words, and no one has seen me at my worst. I'm controlled enough not to let my thoughts see daylight. But I'm getting better. Fox was good for me, Sarah was amazing for me. Working this summer is good for me too, no matter how miserable it is.

I apologize for the length of this post, as I said before I sit in a truck and think all day, and this is one of the few times I can just let the thoughts flow out in a torrent.

Have a good night.

The Worst Day in Memory

Nicklaus and Andy, you are the only two people that fully realize what I am about to explain.

"It's too stressful." Is what Nick said when I asked him why he quit driving for my dad. And I fully understood. Remember when Mike used to walk into his room after getting beaten at MLB 2K6 for the 10th time in a row on the easy setting and start throwing stuff at all the walls and making alot of noise? Well somedays, I feel like doing the same thing.

The day starts fine, nothing wrong, everything is boring and smooth. And then the problems start. We were supposed to be done chopping, Steve was supposed to take over, but he broke down again, so we get our chopper out into the field and we turn it on and we blow out the fuse for the header controls. Okay, we replace the fuse, and then blow it again. Chopper is out of commission for now. Steve's chopper is running again so we go again, I load and head into the pit, I back up to the pile hit the PTO switch and... nothing. PTO doesn't engage. Suck. I call my dad and he drives up and after messing with the wiring for the PTO he finally gets it running again, the power wire had a break in it so we fixed it. We thought good, problem solved. We back the truck up to the pile again and it starts unloading and then the gate starts coming off with the load. Crap! We turn off the PTO and slowly drive away from the pile. The gate has sheared off all but the bottom bolt on the side of the gat, it's barely hanging on the passenger side. We grab the loader and nudge it back into place, the loader shuts off and the loader starts rolling backwards. No brakes or steering while the engine isn't running. And it starts rolling straight backward right into my dad's pickup. Are you kidding me? What else can go wrong honestly? So after a long string of obscenities we grab the ladder and use the come-along and get it back into place so we can set a second bolt in it. Just enough so we can get it unloaded and driven back to park it. And that is how the day ended... friggin a load of crap.

I... hate it. It's friggin stressful. you are constantly worried about breaking it or something happening... and it sucks.

It's days like these that I wish I hadn't come back home. You know what Nick? It is stressful, but I didn't want you to quit because misery loves company, and once you left I didn't have anyone to sit around and talk about how bad life sucked with anymore.

I'm pissed off all day because it's dirty, I smell like the frickin dairy, It's hot, I have a headeache because it's so frickin bright that it's like the surface of the sun, and I'm tired. I've been driving for 9 hours and my back hurts, and my legs hurt, and my arms are tired of cranking that wheel, I just want to shoot someone.

Such is life... or mine at least.

Always having to start over at the end...

I have a problem coping with the end of things, the end of books, tv shows, movies... I don't want them to end, I invest so much of myself into those things that when they end it does feel like a person I'm atually friends with has died, because I will never see or read about them again... they are, for all intents and purposes, dead.

The Da Vinci Code is an amazing book, no wonder it sparks so much controversy, it makes you want to believe what it's saying. You feel so much natural kinship to Langdon that you automatically want to just go with him in everything, you want it to be real.

So now it has ended, and I'm depressed... I love books, I love reading, it stems from a deep burning hunger for knowledge. Something that has been ever present as long as I can remember, I love to learn new things, trivial knowledge is my forte.

And within that trivial knowledge I find self-purpose. I know more about Star Wars than anyone I've ever met save Andy and Nick. And as geeky and nerdy as that is, I feel a sense of pride at that.

The purpose that I've chosen for myself is as a Protector of Trivial Knowledge, of the not so common conception of thought.

And now, with a somewhat depressed outlook on my day as a whole, I continue on, for the acquisition of knowledge is never ending.

Gnawing inside...

Why am I so lonely?

I mean I'm always around people and I'm still lonely.

It's like constantly eating but starving.

Thunder and lightning outside and in my head...

So... let's run through how fantastic life is shall we?

It's hot, I'm in the middle of a dairy and I'm miserable... all day.

I've been having to work on my sister's homework so she can pass her stinkin classes.

On one drive through Jerome, I get hit almost a dozen times... that's how bad driver's are here.

I don't have any friends here, Nick and Andy went back to California, Sarah is in Oregon, and Koda is in Limbo for all I know...

Oh well...

I know that I have emotional extremes... I'm either super happy or super depressed, and lately life has been nothing but depressing.

It's like a hardcore overcast day, but every once in a while the sun breaks through for a few moments. That is how my life feels.

You want to know how depressed I am? I don't have dreams anymore. When I sleep I just close my eyes and then I open them again, feeling as tired as I did what seemed like only a moment before. But I don't have dreams as in life goals anymore either... I had some a week ago and now whenever I think about them I realize that I am done with them.

I can't game because I don't have time, I get to play maybe an hour or two a day if I'm lucky.

A little less than a year ago I got to George Fox, I didn't know what to expect, I didn't have any friends at Fox, I knew Haskell a little bit and I'd talked to Bohl and James before but... I was so sure that I was going to live in misery. I promised Andy that I wouldn't change, I told Koda that I was already as socially advanced as I would ever need to be.

I did change. Though the changes were so slow progressing that I can't discern myself now from myself then (besides some topical obvious ones).

I went to Fox hopeless. Lost. I went to Fox because my brother went to Fox, that's as little thought that went into the choosing process for me. I was only concerned about getting out of Jerome and having enough success to return in triumph a few years down the road and smear their white trash redneck faces in it...

Funny how life turns out. How what seemed like my ultimate goal wasn't really a goal at all but a revenge for some wrong that they had done me over the years. But you can't hold grudges liek that, and you can't be so rash, or so violent. Everytime I see a problematic situation my mind instictively leaps to a physical way of solving the matter... but when was the last time I actually resorted to a physical method? Obviously long enough ago that I forgot how much it hurts or there's no way I would be even thinking about it...

I was so burned out on life when I got to Fox... so ready for anything new, just for something new.

I never had to give my life story, I've never had to share so many things... I've never been able to tell an unbiased story though either so it would have ended up being "Bradley the Magnificent: An Autobiography."

I'm sorry for whoever has to read this... it's long and without end, just like in real life, there is no resolution so you can sleep easier at night.

Most of this is just coming from a guy who is nearly cut off... if not for technology I might not even exist... from a guy who is away from his girlfriend and from his best friends.

He sits in front of his computer for a couple hours everyday dreaming of being with any one of the people he cares about, just thinking about what they are doing at that exact instant. He closes his eyes with thoughts of his loved ones, opens them with the same thoughts renewed, and spends his light hours in a neverending daydream of memory. Sometimes in dreams of the future, but they feel so empty to him...

I don't even know where I was going, thoughts in my head are pretty chaotic right now... sorry to burden anyone else.

Have a good night.

The rest of my life is going to be this crappy? Suck...

I'm a business major, sort of, but what's my goal? What am I going to do? I have no frickin clue.

I want to work on cars, sell cars, wash cars, be a pump man at a gas station... I don't care! I just want to do something with cars, because they are about the only things that make me happy.

What kind of life am I going to be leading?

Is it wrong that my dreams make me discouraged? No matter how much I want it, I'll never be in a position to do it, won't have the money, knowledge, credibility, experience, help, whatever... something always keeps me from it.

Such is life... well to be more specific such is my life... and Andy's life...

Maybe someday we can turn it around. Pray for us... because there ain't no other way... we tried everything else... and failed.

Monday the 1st of May

So... my mom and sister are scrambling to ready themselves so they can get on the road to Boise... I'm just kickin' back... I waited until they started screaming, quickly packed and loaded my meager luggage in the Jeep just under 3 minutes. Am I good? I'm good.

So now they are still yelling at each other and I'm as a leaf on the wind... I'm just floating you know? hahaha

It's my parents anniversary today. Married 24 years today. But it's also the night of my Grandfather's viewing... so that's a heckuva way to spend an anniversary.

I still need to hit the mall in Boise... I need a black belt, black socks, a black shirt, and a black tie... so basically I need everything... frickin a...

And in other news:

I've started playing Star Wars Galaxies again... and it feels amazing. I'm still getting used to the feel of the game revamp... but I like some of the new stuff... though I hate alot of things. But I guess I have to stop living in the past.

Feels good to be back in Idaho. It's so easy to get around and do stuff compared to Portland... and everything is cheaper too...

Goodbye Urban... Hello Rural

I drove the Bronco this morning it was really nice, and it's friggin hot here... like 80s and such...

Oh well, I'll catch you guys on the flipside, maybe I'll update it from my hotel room tonight.

Who knows?

Why?

Why can't I find the words?

And I can't cry either, I feel like I am but the tears don't come out... after holding it in for so long now I can't even do it...

I feel like part of me died, I want to just collapse and weep... why can't I? WHY CAN'T I?!

It was my fault, there's nothing I can do, no way to make anyone believe me...

I feel so helpless... I'm so pathetic that I'm not even human enough to cry. I feel the pain... enough to wish I were dead...

When I woke up this morning I was happy... when I fall asleep tonight I will be broken.

Why can't I just cry? All I want is to break down... be vulnerable for once... please... why can't you grant me even that...

It's hard to swallow, my breath is shallow and haggard... and I can feel the tears on the verge... but it won't come...

I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life...

Welcome to the worst week of my life...

One week to Dead Day

I need to stop worrying what people are going to think of me. I need to stop trying to please everyone, I'm not entirely honest with myself and the way I feel how am I going to be honest with others.

We were raised not to be rude, not to be weird, not to be mean, or selfish, or arrogant.

But what I am wondering is if it's the act of not following that gives us power or simply the choice to act accordingly or not.

I have a final every day next week, with two on Wednesday. I'm tired and beat down and wanting to be done, but wishing at the end, we had a reprieve. Just a few days before we had to part, to spend with the guys, with Sarah, just being lazy and enjoying myself, no worries, just time.

But life keeps moving, even while we are here in the Fox bubble, the world keeps turning and we have to go back. Back to what I once knew as normality. Back to a life that seems like a nightmare to me now... how can I return to that after experiencing this?

I miss the days when I was younger, but I realize that I'm still young and that remembering is letting more time slip away.

I finally have a small arrow of direction, it's vague and I can't see far in that direction, but I'll move that way for as long as I feel I should.

I made it to Oregon, with a small wagon, no oxen, and only 1 spare wheel... beat that wench.

A tragedy... but perhaps also a comedy

Drama either way.

It's interesting. Life at Fox can dull you to some degree. Something that shouldn't make a difference all of a sudden means everything. Influences all of your conversation and makes you rethink decisions.

How commonplace did such complications used to be? They were always solved so much simpler. Well actually they were dealth with nearly the same way but it was so... natural or normal that we really didn't notice.

I realize how much I have changed. I'm not confident. I've lost self-esteem since coming here. I used to be so cock-sure of myself all the time, I wasn't embarrassed because I was uncaring. And I didn't submit to anyone, I didn't feel like a sheepish child.

What has happened to me? It isn't humility I know that. It's something else.

Now it's time for sleep.

Good Night, Pennington. You are like a book of plays, both tragedies and comedies. What kind will tomorrow be?

How do I put into words?

I feel really happy... Driving last night, it felt pretty natural. I finally feel that I can adequately drive it. I don't need to go fast anymore, I know I can and I know what I can do when I decide to.



As I sit here I listen to music, peruse the net, enjoy the overcast, gray lighting coming through my window.

And a song comes on that I totally connect with, something that I feel totally sums up the way I feel. And so I play the song over and over, everytime I hear it a little more a part of me it becomes.


I feel like a road trip... I just want to drift from town to town... no real direction.

Wow... life is really good right now.

Sittin, Thinkin, Cursin...

So... as I sit here, working on the 2nd page of my 6 page paper I neglected until the night before (Man after your own heart, right Andy?) I was hit with the sudden realization of what life has become for me.

My room is dark, illumination comes mainly from the computer monitor, It's cold, both windows are open, every now and then glancing at the pictures on my desk of the girl I absolutely adore, worried, excited, and anxious over the work I have left to do before I can rest... and the smell of a spring night drifts through the window on a gentle breeze and it sparks memories, of the way life was.

And look at me... am I older than I was? I still feel young, I still feel like a 13 year old. In fact when I give my age, I stumble a bit... because it feels like I never matured, I mean, numbers changed but not the person.

I hate and love research at the same time, excited because every time I open a book my way of thinking is changed in some way, but I hate having to then exercise my new found understanding onto a blank page.

I have some other thoughts, but I'll wait til a little later on in the night before I extrapolate.

Have a good night, whoever stumbles across this.

Desperate....

I had so little sleep last night...

I slept for stints of like 5 to 10 minutes... 5 to 10 minutes of nightmare... I gave up after about 2 hours and then after my alarm went off I slept for about 40 minutes of solid dreamless sleep.

And then I drove back to Portland. I could have let Dan drive I suppose but than what would I have done?

I need sleep so badly but it's like I forgot how... I'll lay down but I won't sleep... I just think...

And I've had enough time to think... I'm so... tired, sorry, confused, scared, depressed, anxious...

Fear overshadows the rest... and I'm scared spitless.

I'm a hick. Yessir, I am.

So... I've spent the last week running around doing errands for my old man, drove for a few hours yesterday.

I can feel the rural seepin' back into my veins. But as much as I wanted to be home, I don't have it in me to stay put, I already wanna be back in my car driving away, not necessarily to be anywhere, just to get somewhere. It's raining outside, so no work today, fields are too wet and muddy, the trucks would get stuck trying to pull through 'em. (Though the trucks almost get stuck pullin through them when they're dry, that field is like a sand pit.)

I'm just sitting here, laptop sitting on the floor next to me, headphones on... listening to Tom Petty and Skynard.

I feel like I'm ready to head back, home was good for a bit, but now it's time to get back to Oregon.

I reaffirmed who I am, why I am the way I am. And now I can go back.


I was lucky that God made it rain, I stayed up way later than I should have because of some stuff going on. So I was really tired. But Fox has me ruined, unless I go to bed really late, I'll always wake up at least 3 times before 10. I can usually go back to sleep but... lately I haven't been able to.

Ok... well it's getting to the time of day where I should get up and do something.

Later

I remember back to a time... wait was that yesterday?

So... I don't know exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Me and my brother are both back home. And we hung out today. How weird is that? It's like a bizarro world.

Driving the trucks, working on trucks, running errands, welcome to my life... 7 months ago. haha. Life is the same as it was, the last 7 months could have been a dream if Dan wasn't here to keep me from waking up.

Finding Truth In The Lie...

So I wonder, when random people wander across my blog do I seem like the typical teenager? Angry at the world, at life, at how complicated my life is... is that I am? That certainly is my intent once in a while, but generally that's not my intent. I'm happy with the way my life is right now. I'm not perfect in any way and I know I'm not "old enough" to know how tough life can be... but then again, how old do I have to be before my past becomes life experience?

Are all teenagers angry at the world? No. I don't believe that to be true, I do believe they are naive and ignorant for the most part. I was naive. Only 7 months ago I was naive compared to now, not ignorant because I knew what was out there I saw both roads, but didn't see it for what it really was, it was sugar-coated. I'm still naive because of the path I've chosen, but those that took another road are naive to way life is for me. So it was a trade of one life for another... did I choose the correct path? That's something only a study into the long run will show.

I realize that I haven't blogged in a few days, but then again, not many people read this so... It's not like the world ends right? Right.

I hate it when people take things for granted. More angry because I hate it and I do it. That is infuriating.

I have an awesome family, an amazing girlfriend, a wicked car... I go to a good school... what else is there? How serious of a person am I, and how serious should I be? Should life be coming together at this point? Should everything suddenly fall into place like a perfectly played game of Tetris®? I don't know... life is confusing for me but I don't hate it or think that my life is more confusing than anyone else's... I have issues that might make things difficult in my personal case, but I don't think I'm more confused, beat-down, or angry than the next college kid. You know?

And with that I'll say good morning. Have a good day. And you know what? I really mean that.

Preparing to Run

I'm heading back to Idaho... I'm heading home.

Me and Big Dan are leaving for Idaho at 4 AM tomorrow.

Long drive ahead of us...

The Half-life of Horror

Can life exist without conflict? Every hero needs conflict... but the real question is am I a hero and is it something I need to exist?

A hero...

The world needs heroes just like a hero needs a conflict to arise victorious out of.

Is it strange that I zone out and my head is filled with these heroic daydreams?

Makes a person feel out of place. I was born in the wrong era... I can only be a hero through games and movies, through the media.

Oh well... I guess I wait until the right conflict arises. It seems that I'm always so far out of adventure's way.

But I guess that's what creates the hero, a situation, a conflict, and without one an ordinary person will remain an ordinary person. But is it the hero that seeks adventure or is that the villain's job?

Is the hero the happenstance victor, the person thrown in without choice and has to protect all he's ever known? That's what it seems like.

That makes me the villain. But a hero can't be born without a villain right? That is the villain's job... to create the hero.

So I create a hero, but what if the villain is the hero?

Life at 10:15

I'm not insecure. Or at least I don't believe I am. Am I unsure or doubtful of the future? Of course, what person my age isn't?

When did you become the sun? I can't even remember now, it feels so long ago... but it hasn't been long at all. I can't remember the time frame but I remember how it felt, how it happened.

Have I changed, am I not a fun guy anymore? Is everyone right... have I become soft, have I become too... serious? I don't remember the change... I don't even feel a change... or do I?

How much fun was it? I can't remember now...

I want to put money into my car, into my computer, into games... will I ever be able to again?

I wonder if I'll ever be in the position to do stuff as freely as before. My money has other demands now... like supporting me.

Oh well, maybe someday.

Blow Your Mind - Phase 1

Okay, got the stereo installed in my car yesterday. I'm excited. The deck is awesome. I love it will all of my being.

And God said it was good.

I'm hoping to upgrade the speakers and maybe add an amp and a sub later this summer. Who knows... I never know what I'm going to do.

Random awesomeness and other stuff.

Alone, and alone, and alone, and alone and silence...

So I've become accustomed to no one commenting on my blog entries anymore... for some reason, maybe intimidated by sheer amounts of my posts. That's what I thought because the comments stopped when I began blogging nearly every day... or maybe nobody cares about the blog, or nobody reads it... and that's cool... except now it freaks me out when I find out that somebody actually looks at it...

So now when I see a comment, like Whatafreak commented on my last post... that blew me away... Honestly, I was excited when I saw that... is that sad or what?

Anyways... I dunno... I'm gonna go... this class is boring... Good day to you.

ANGST!

So as I read my friend Whatafreak's blog entry I'm suddenly finding it mirroring my own feelings, my own thoughts.

I have no motivation for what I am doing. I have no passion for something that I feel that doesn't mean anything to me. I just want to be away, you know? I want to be back in Idaho, without any care but getting to work on time and putting more money into my car. I want to be in another country doing something, anything. I want to be away. I don't feel that business is where I want to be, not because I feel I don't belong, and not because I feel I'm not good at it (I am good at it, I just have yet to apply myself in any class so far this semester), I just don't feel comfortable doing anything when I don't have a goal in mind. I have no idea where I am going to end up, what I am going to be doing, it's hard to choose a path in the school to follow without some plan for the future. I want to own a car shop, I want to work on cars, fix cars up, do modifications... But I can't, that dream is unattainable to me. I want to own a gaming shop, a computer business, so many goals and so little chance of any sort of accomplishment. Because I have no motivation.

I have no path. I am lost, like a wolf in a world of sheep and the wool is starting to slip off.

Life is never going to turn out. I am never going to accomplish anything. I need to pursue at least one dream...

My brother bought a brand new pickup tonight. I get more excited and enthused about cars than I do about anything else in the world... but I can't seem to find a way to bring it all together in my mind. School, Cars, and the Future... for some reason it never fuses into a feasible vision.

So where do I go from here?

Where do I go?

I am so... confused, lost, and tired. Tired of not knowing how anything is going to turn out. And angry too, I am angry that I don't know what I want to do, that I can't decide on anything.

And I'm angry that I can't make myself actually try in my classes, that I slip because I still don't care. In high school, I always told myself it's okay if you don't care about class, high school doesn't matter, College matters I'll actually pay attention in college... but I find myself doing the exact same thing, not paying attention, not doing my work all the time, not giving my best effort... and now I suffer for it. My GPA suffers, my future suffers.

I am tired of all of this trash...

I just want to work on cars and be happy... and have a clothing line maybe... I've always wanted that. Maybe I could fuse the two together... who knows.

I'm going to stop now... I'm tired and aggitated... and I'm likely to have an aneurysm if this continues...

I want to be motivated, I want to succeed, sometimes you just have to grab life by the throat and make it do what you want it to... Make yourself succeed.

In the beginning...

What does it mean that it's only been 3 hours since I've seen Sarah and it feels like forever. Because I know I won't see her for 2 days, that's probably the reason for the feeling.

2 days? How much I already miss her, and how much more when I wake up Sunday morning... I can't even fathom what the summer is going to bring... I might not see her for a month at first.

How lucky am I that she makes time so that I can see her everyday?

How am I going to survive through the summer without being able to see her like this?

What seemed convenient never was to begin with, because I knew how hard it would be once the year was out. Even when I first started liking her it was a constant nagging worry: How am I going to deal with the summer if something develops? Well, now something has, and now I have to deal.

But I like her, more than I can explain, more than I even realize. And I wholeheartedly believe it's worth it.

9 hours of driving for a chance to see her? Heck yeah I'd do it, in a second, in a heartbeat...

On a different note: I played Guild Wars today, first time I've gamed since December, and even though it's a crappy game as far as MMOs go, it's better than nothing.

Better get back to reality for a while.

Blurring the Line...

Is there a point where reality and fantasy cross? I believe so... at some point, it's the time between when you wake up and you open your eyes... for those few seconds, the world could potentially be anything you believe it to be.

I went to sleep at around 5:30 this morning... I am dead tired. But with being utterly exhausted comes this really great feeling of emotional distance. You feel like you aren't yourself, like you're watching yourself throughout your day. Able to persuade yourself to make decisions but a separate entity altogether.

How do I keep going like this? Easy. You can't stop. It's an impossible thing. To stop is to ultimately die. And I'm nowhere near ready to die.

How complicated life can be at 18 years of age. How much more so will it become, when you feel like you are overwhelmed, at your breaking point, all of sudden the burden seems to grow, in size weight and density.

Am I ready for any of the responsibility? How much do I think I can handle and how much can I actually take? Two entirely different amounts, my heart says to grab life and choke a torrent of joy from it's core, but the brain tells me to move cautiously... slowly... tries to uproot me with doubt and indecision.

But what is there to be indecisive about? I've made my choice already.

My blog started out with me... so angry, so mean, so crude... my first statement was to be devoid of this "sentimental crap." What have I become? Be honest... what do you see?



(Sidenote: Is it weird when other people can write your name better than you can? Even when you've been writing it for better than 15 years?)

The Morning of the Monday of the Week After...

This last week was incredible.


Everything was incredible. Sarah met my family and she was wonderful.
And she went with me to Drew Maves' wedding and met alot of people that have been close to me for as long as I can remember. And she was perfect. My parents really liked her, which makes me happy because if they didn't I would ignore them and like her anyway, but it makes me feel a lot better that they don't disapprove.

Assassins started at midnight last night... excited? Not really, a little... I dunno, let down that they didn't try anything. Courtney is sitting 10 feet from 5 Penn men... I bet she's feeling uncomfortable at the moment... mwah hahahaha.

It's funny how every week lately has been a contender for the best week of my life. Every week is better than the one before it.

And then all of a sudden... I get this really nervous, flighty feeling. I want to run. I want to get away... from what? I don't know. Life. Responsibility. But I want to take her with me.

I have had 2 weeks to write my speech. I haven't done anything. I haven't researched or even thought about it basically.


And so this is how it ends, recognition of laziness, realization of fault.

It's been what 7 hours and 30 minutes since I've seen her... Weird that I realize this? That I think about it? Not really, I have a constant running commentary of memories and conversations... Makes me want the next time to happen that much sooner.

Lag.... LAAAAAAAG! Just kill me now...

I decided to blog at 8:15, It's now 8:22... it took 7 minutes to login and create a new post. Need I say more about Fox's internet...

8 Minutes before I leave for class, can anything of value be uttered in that amount of time? Let's watch:

I hate the time before classes, it's horrible. It's never enough time to go and do anything, so you just have to sit and wait. I listen to music, check my email, maybe talk to someone on an instant messenger... just waiting for time to pass, feeling myself get older.

I'm so tired right now, I went to bed after 2:30 and wake up at 7:30. Was it worth it? It is always worth it.

3 classes today. A 6-page packet to get done before 12:40 that I haven't done yet and I need to have the Gospel of Mark read before 2:40, why do I put myself in these predicaments? Because, other things are more important.

2 more minutes:

I want sleep, but I won't ever get it. I can't sleep after class because Chapel is an hour away and an hour of sleep would leave me more trashed than I already am... and I have to do that stupid piece of crap packet and read Mark.

And so time is up... I'm going to walk to class.

My parents are coming down Thursday night and Sarah finally gets to meet them.

It'll be fun.



Listening to nostalgia... and remembering the good times.

I can't escape from the music... I can't escape from the music!

So I'm hosting Eric's Myspace background for him. E to the P Music, its really good, his stuff is pretty mellow, it's pretty easy listening. But I'm glad I could help him out if in a pathetically small way.

I have a quiz in every class today. Yippee. I hate life. I don't feel so sick today though so that's a plus. My throat doesn't feel sore anymore. Hopefully I'm fine again in a day or so.

I got an Acura recall on my car that I'm super stoked about. They are going to replace a number of engine components on my Integra because it fell into a certain section of serial numbers. I'm really excited about it. But I'll probably have to wait until this weekend to get in to talk to an Acura dealer. I wish I could fix all the stuff on my car. And I wish I could finally fix it the way I want to. I want to fix is it as follows:

Fix the dent above the windows.
Fix the bowed out door
Replace the stereo
Replace the passenger door lock
Fix the dent next to the antenna
Swap the engine with a B18C (GS-R)
Install a turbo, intercooler, and all that jazz
Upgrade the suspension
Upgrade brake system
Tint windows (Not super dark but to a reasonable degree)
Upgrade the clutch
Volk TE37 Wheels
Toyo tread
Some audio modifications (Speaker, subs, amps and so forth...)

I'm really amped about my car right now... really excited and I don't have the time or the money for it so it really isn't a good thing. Okay well, I'm gonna study for my Macro quiz now... have a good day.

Positively Pessimistic

I have a quiz at 12:40. Chapel is in 30 minutes, but I'm not going. Have to finish my homework and study for the test.

My throat is really sore, the sickness is finally on me.

You don't realize how much your comments cut do you? You don't realize how deep they bite? It's not like I have difficulty remembering what I've done or what I've said, but you make sure I remember. Is that fair? Maybe it's what I deserve. Makes me want to walk away, head hung low, feeling like death.

It just adds to my increasingly ever-present confusion. You mask your emotions as you speak, the tone is so flat, your expression is too. I'm lost.

Happy for the most part.

Not a secret but not freely given...

God, grant me wisdom in what I do, and how I act. Help me to act not in my own interest but for your glory. Guide me Lord, because no plan or arrangement against you can hope to succeed. Give me wisdom, God, give me wisdom.

It's eerie. For the first time I can't talk to anyone. It makes me feel apart from them. For the first time since arriving at Fox I am alone. These people around me, they don't know who I am. They don't know what's happening. They are just faces. No one understands where I am. No one here could understand where I am, because I haven't told them, and maybe not even then. I am so alone. But you know, maybe not with full comprehension because I can't speak. Are you as lost as me? As scared as me? I am so confused I don't know where I'm going, the direction, the speed...

I'm eating with them and they are happy, I know the occassion and I should be happy too, maybe I am happy, but I can't feel the emotion. No emotion, just thought. I see smiles and it registers in my mind why, but I can't figure out how to smile. Please save me.

How did I get to be in this position? I was tired... but I wanted to stay, I didn't want it to end, I never want it to end. I wanted to stay...


I wanted to stay...

... and I'm sorry.

Neutral. Neutral? Screw that... put it in gear.

It seems that lately, I only turn to blogging in cases of emotional extremes (anger, depression, frustration, elation, etc, etc...) so I decided to write a neutral one. No emotional ties or hidden meanings here.

I have a really light load in Bible Survey this week, almost no reading, like 4 or 5 handbook pages a day. Business is business, though I have a midterm for it on Friday. I already got my homework done for Macroeconomics, and so besides chapel I really don't have anything to do today. I have a speech I need to start researching for, but I have 2 weeks yet before it's due so I have some time.

My roommate's sick... but I've been getting enough sleep lately that my immune system is keeping it from me.

And that is about it... life is really good right now. I don't know if it can get any better... more like this is the best it's ever been and I can't imagine the capacity for it being better than it already is.

Anyways, have a good week.

Ambiguous Relating to Situation Blog Title

So I left. To keep from saying something that I'd regret or you would. Though in all fairness it does prove that I don't talk often for a reason.

What I was meaning was far from what you understood, you are making me seem like an incredibly forward jerkoff. That is not the way I am, and that's the way it sounds. I'm the one that caused everything, everything is my fault. Who's there to defend me? No one.

That is what bothers me. And this makes me second guess myself, my intentions, my feelings... that is completely wrong.

I can't talk off-hand and I can't be blunt, look what happens... What do you want from me? You say you want one thing but you can't deal with the results. Where does that leave me, utterly confused, and usually, at the end of the night before I close my eyes, I feel terrible. I feel like a horrible person.

This is how I get out what I'm thinking, I type faster than I think and I'll probably regret everything in the morning, but right now this is what's running through my head.

Alone

No one to talk to. No one to understand. Surrounded by pitch black. Blink... blink... blink... The cursor doesn't change, it's steady, like a flashing light at the end of a tunnel that doesn't seem to end. It mocks me, mocks my thoughts. But at the same time it gives me something to focus on. A goal. I'm typing as fast as I can to catch it but never overtake it. And I never reach the end of the tunnel...

I'm alone... no one is around.

Prophetic Perspective

Beebe Brethren... I dunno.

I don't plan for the future ever. I don't know whats going to happen.

I'm stuck between how ridiculously slow Fox internet is...

I just kinda wish this year would never end... I like how the living situation is right now, but at the same time I wish I could fast forward and already have this figured out... I really don't want to live off campus.

Tuesday the 14th...

So... the earth is round?

Crazy...

I'm just sitting here... wishing some things could be taken back, like when you speak before you think or don't speak when you should. Those sorts of situations. And you never know.

Will it be a joke if I say it now? Or will they hold it against me... I'm just... I don't know.

I'm super happy. More happy, more content, just more...

Sarah, I wish I could be more straight forward with you, I wish I could vocalize thoughts and feelings better, and I'm trying, but I'm just not very good at it. I never have words sufficient enough to explain anything... I'm sorry.

I never know what to do though. Never.


Battery is about to die... I'll have to edit and re-put out there later.

Running out on Patience

Bored, not disappointed. Expected, not irritated.

Why do I feel so alone, so uneasy, so uncertain, so uncontent? I talk with people for hours and it feels like I've accomplished nothing. Do I not place value in other people? I care for others, I take pride in others as much as myself, even boastful of others talents. But I still feel this... this gnawing at my insides for more, like my heart knows that my brain is wasting what time it's been given.

Why is it so difficult for me to explain and moreso for you to accept? Because it isn't what you wish it to be? Everyone says they understand but they are in a different world. Nothing about me can or should be changed, its because of everything that's happened that I turned out this way. Am I ashamed? No, never, and I refuse to be.

Why am I always left wanting after I finish a song, movie, or book?

Was I born in the wrong era that I feel more comfortable with a sword than a cell phone? A rifle rather than technology? A soldier rather than scholar?

Taken for granted. Why don't I yearn for knowledge? Why do I lose enthusiasm, where does the motivation come from?

I am uncertainty. I am irresponsibility. I am uncertainty.

But I am feeling more contented now. I'm not small, I don't understand you, but than again, none of you understand me either. You would be as lost where I have been as I am where you are.

Introvert.

Wishing for what I was, but wanting what I have.

Trying to Reconnect

Felt good to talk about it with Aaron. The simplicity of the conversation, the texture, the openness of it, the understanding.

All I said was that she was amazing. And he said that it was enough.

That is what I've been missing.


It's 1:35, it's been less than an hour since I've seen you, but I miss you like it's been days. Now I'm going to lose myself in sleep, it's the only way I won't feel it.

Sleep well.

I wish I would have gone on that walk with you...

By any other name...

Being bored is just that being bored. It's a measure of patience, how enduring can you be before you finally do something about your boredom. In my case the boredom is nothing I can solve, nothing seems to motivate me, play Halo? No thanks. Play a PC Game? Not in the mood. I'm just listening to music, sitting in the darkness, being bored.

I'm waiting of course, for my old man to call me and to give me an idea for an activity. But as he and Craig seem to be taking their sweet time... I'm stuck right here. My cell phone becoming a ball and chain. I can't start any activity cause I have the fear that I won't be able to complete it. That I'll be summoned right when I start to get into it. That's why I'm not in the mood for anything.

I'm alone though, for the first time in what seems like forever. There's no one here. I can't just walk into someone's room and talk because no one is around. And I'm not sure how to deal with that. In some ways I just want to lock my door, flip on all the lights, and play around on my computer for the next 12 hours or until my eyes bleed. But alas, those days are over, at least for a while...

I'm so... confused about tonight what will happen, how will it work...

If my dad wasn't in town I would probably put myself in the driver's seat and go to Sherwood and watch a movie. "By yourself?" You might ask. Of course, I used to do it all the time. Remember I didn't always have someone around to do stuff with... be like getting back to the norm almost hehe.

Well there's the call... and now I have instruction, I'll see you later.

Have a good night.

I'm not ready to move yet...

3 months left? That's not possible... I've been in Penn for what seems like no time at all. It feels like nothing.

Just talking to Hask and my brother about Penn getting taken out in 5 years or so, and the new dorms going up... I feel a pang of sorrow/sadness and a bit depressed.

I don't want the year to end, this year has been the best year of my life. I'm going to miss it.

Every day is better than the one before it, and its easy to lose track of time, classes, life in general lately.

But I'm pulling it all together, changing my room back kind of gave me a renewed sense of organization. I spent a few hours rearranging files on my computer, organizing everything.

So now I'm sitting in my brother's apartment, listening to the dryer, wishing it would get done so I could get out of here...

I haven't really had a chance to see Sarah today and it's kind of depressing, if I think about it, I was with her more this morning than usual... and it was amazing, its always amazing. And now I just want to be with her and I'm stuck here... but I think I'm gonna take off early.

I'm bored, and depressed. I've been merging images of my high school with Fox lately, almost like I'm overlapping my high school memories with Fox.

Weird...

Doubt... No its Dought... Wait... Dout?

I don't have any doubt now, no indecision.

So you don't have to worry anymore. (Though I know you will)

I hold stuff back so that when I say it, It'll mean something. Not simply words being thrown out to satisfy you, but words that hold meaning to me, for me.

Now I have a lot of work. Have an amazing day.

Pulling Everything Together...

I just have to organize myself... something that happens ever few months... I kind of get everything back on track. I organize all the files on my PC and my laptop, organize things in my room, get everything done.

That day kind of feels like today. I'm overcome with this urge to just fix everything.

I choose to blame this "syndrome" on my brother. Friggin perfectionist neat freak...

Alright so... that's what I'm going to do.

Just thought... you know... someone out there might care, or be bored and so checking this for something new.

Other thoughts... Cullen Baker is bad a... and Bohl didn't do his hair today, which is kind of unnerving.

And I really hate Microeconomics because of the professors cultural allusions. Like that? I learned that in Intro to Communications.

And for a sidenote... I had a really really strong urge to Torrent today. I was just sitting at my computer, deleting, uninstalling, organizing... and I really wanted to be downloading... and it makes me sad that I lack the ability here.

But until next time time...

//.3nd 7r4n5m1551on..

I turned off the music

"At least you know where you stand with people you hate." - Myself.

That is my view of things... maybe thats what was in the back of my mind all those years when I wanted nothing to do with people. When you know someone hates you, you never worry about that person ever again.

When you like someone and they like you back, this unsettling feeling lowers onto your shoulders and you ready yourself, because you know for an absolute fact that any minute now... they'll hate you. And so you prepare yourself for the blow. Never opening up fully because you don't want the attack to hit any of the vitals. I opened up... and at any time I could get knocked down... and not want to get back up.

And now I'm in turmoil. I feel this torrent in me. And I have no idea where I'm gonna get swept to. And I know, even if we were to talk... what would I say. My mind blanks and I forget the matter at hand.

The joke was crude, I understand. But not allowing a chance to explain myself or figure out why a friend would say something that I have no reason to expect isn't fair.

I want to say so much, but it makes me out to sound like it's not my fault, or that it's yours and that's not what I want. It was a misunderstanding.

I can't guess what's going to happen, or the reaction...

The only thing I can work on is prevention I guess in the end.

You can't gauge everyone's reactions the same. So don't try and imagine what another person is thinking, you won't do anything but cause yourself needless worry. Because people can be surprising.

I can't listen to music right now, I shut down my PC, turned off the speakers, and now I guess I just sit, I don't want to be like that.

I see other people and some are affected... others have no idea, its like watching through a window I guess.


This isn't the end... and editing will most likely come, first I need to talk it out.

Define:Culture

What am I? I'm a geek, a nerd in some cases, but in more general terms just a freak.

Star Wars? Ask me... anything. I can even draw PPC and supply and demand curves for the economy of Star Wars Galaxies... sick? Maybe. But I look at it as a badge. A symbol of who I am... what I stand for.

I am gaming. I am technology, maybe not in full understanding, but complete in usage. Who can out perform me and Andy in any sort of game? No one.

I have more experience with NPC interaction than with real people.

And I regret none of it, its still apart of me. It's a skill set.

And as soon as I have another chance, I'm gonna throw myself headlong right back into it... why? Because I feel comfortable there. It is a society and I am part of it.

Andy taught me endurance, or at least I became more motivated to endure. He taught me about quality...

Andy, you are what kept me from being... the way I was. You saved me man. And I will always be your friend for that.

You gave me your computer for a summer... for a couple years if you think about it. And I can never repay you for that appropriately.

You are one of the defining factors for what I'm gonna call my success in my late teens. If you can look at me as a success.

Blew Up... And Then It Blew Over

So my car was broken into, the body was dented above the door, the door bent outward, the lock screwed up by someone trying to pound a screwdriver into the keyhole...

And I think, why does this crap happen to me. There are BMW's in the parking lot, there's a WRX one street over. Why try on my Integra?

Douche bags... if I ever were to meet them, there would be no rage involved, simply me judging them. And by judging I mean a sharp object to the temple and then they're in hell.

And I blew up... after more than half a day since I found it, I finally blew up. Not as much as I remember I used to, and I can still control it. It's just a deep burning rage, and I stiff-leggedly walk back towards the building after cussing up a storm to my brother (something I haven't really done in months). I am so angry I can't even focus, my vision is blurred. And then I see you... and you're beautiful.

And my anger drops off for a split-second and I'm just seeing you. And I hear your voice and the moment ends and I feel the anger, but not as intensely as before. I retreat back to my room, tell my roommate to turn on the angriest music he has... and start losing myself in the screaming tornado that is my life.

And then you call... and I hear your voice, and there's no judgement there, just caring. It was like finding the eye of the tornado. It was relief.

And the anger was erased and I suddenly felt ashamed of the emotion that was controlling me. And I realize it's different now... I'm not alone in everything anymore. And so that is how I came to be at my current position.

I'm kind of elated. Yeah it was misfortune... but I guess it needed to happen so I could get over it, teach me how to deal with it.

You can't place value in material things... because they can be stolen, destroyed, or lost. Ironic how Sarah and I had had that very conversation about 6 hours before I found my deck stripped out of the dash.

Certainty in Uncertainty

You want to know why God doesn't grant wisdom as often as he used to? Solomon put a bad taste in his mouth, that's why.

I think I have the answers I was looking for... maybe not even what I was expecting them to be... and maybe they aren't the ones you are looking for...

So anyways, I hate life on Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday nights... Have to get up at a friggin early time the next morning... it just sucks...

I'm sitting in my room... bored... really friggin bored...

Wow... my life's changed. If I could talk to myself from a year ago, would I listen to myself? Or would I do what I did to everyone else... and blow myself off?

Definition

How do I define something that seems so abstract to me?

How do I explain something that doesn't even make sense to me? It's just a massive tangle of emotions and feelings all pointing me down the same path.

There are plenty of reasons why... but every time I am about to say anything, my throat siezes up, my mouth goes dry, and I'm left without words. So in the end what happens? Silence.

I'm excited and at the same time frightened... you think that you are at more of a risk than me? I have invested more in you than any other person I have ever known.

Everytime I'm with you, every single time, means its going to be that much harder if it ends. And I don't ever want it to end.

I've never had the "Sarah Complex" where I forget you 5 minutes after we stop talking... I'm in a constant state of panic-mixed-with-joy from the moment I wake up til the moment I lose myself in sleep.

There's so much I mean to say, wish I could get out, to put you at ease, to end your suffering... but in the end it's always the same.

Silence.

And I'm sorry, more sorry than I have ever been. I hope I can find the words soon.

Nothing Knew... Know That's Knot Write...

So... it's been awhile, days... but it feels like weeks. Funny how one event can change so much so quickly.

Let me just say this week has been the best week I can remember... Even getting my Integra last summer gets blown away. I'm at a loss for words to describe everything.


Even if you don't agree, that's okay.


I've done more thinking this week, more praying, spent more time in silence, then I can ever remember before in my life...

I've never been so confused in all of my life, I never have any idea what's going on, but I like it. I'm so lost all the time...

I wake up afraid that you're going to realize that you've been wrong and that you hate me. You're afraid of me hurting you... Why? I'm not intimidating or frightening... I'm just... me.

I've never been very complex, and I think you know me alot better than you think.

Why do you constantly need me to reassure you? No matter how many times I tell you, you always ask again... and for some reason it's never annoying, it's cute. I like being able to reassure you.

I can't explain or describe anything

How Did I Survive This Long...

Honestly... how can I even be alive and so stupid. Why do I always manage to screw stuff up. Everything...

I can't ever have anything good... cause God hates me. Otherwise I'd be more wise in what I say, what I do. I pray now... All the time, I'm constantly praying... in my head when not out loud.

Maybe God is helping me... but I'm such a colossal failure not even he has enough power to keep me from messing up.

Discouraging...

I just need to relax... the music is angry but it does the opposite for me... it kind of sucks the anger out of me...

I wish I could sleep, but I have homework to be doing. Homework that I won't do even if I don't sleep.

Can't Even Think of a Title...

I can't think of the right words to correctly explain how happy today has been...

None.

I have words but they sound plain, they wouldn't do the day any justice in description. Today was amazing.

Yesterday was cool, last night was hard and required more courage than I thought I possessed... but today was amazing. It's better. I feel better, happier, like I can't even explain any of this...

It's like I can't even wait for the next day to start so it could just keep going.

Noncommital and Unwilling to Let Go

I'm never sure of anything. Myself, others, random meaningless little decisions. Indecision is me. Lately I've been ruled by these feelings that have always felt foreign. I've always been pretty confident because I knew what I was, what I was capable of, and I thought I knew how my life would end up.

How do I feel? That question has been coming up alot lately. I've always been a thinker not a feeler. I tried to make everything logical... whenever the question comes up I run through my thoughts, whats happened to me recently, what could be leading to my feeling and my response begins, "I think it's because..." But how do I know that, I could just be making excuses to skate away from the truth.

Why am I trying to act like my emotion has any sort of logic?

I feel illogical.

I feel nervous, anxious, unsteady, unsure, kind of like falling down a pit and you never know when the bottom might suddenly appear and you could die.

When I experience emotion I embrace it, like at any point my life may end and I want to know I lived the human experience to the fullest. I let it consume me entirely until I don't exist and only the emotion remains. I lose myself in the torrent of rage, depression, and happiness... It's like I'm treading water in the center of a hurricane.

And you are the one that alters it. So in the end, my decisions don't matter, yours do. Choose carefully. I'll be with you no matter what you decide.